Apprehension about a big group activity

[Gail 8588]

Well I volunteered to do something and as it approaches, I am feeling more and more anxious. 

My brother's wife died in January this year, after 48 years of marriage.  For many, many years they attended a week long  summer retreat in N.C. I knew my brother would want to go this summer, but that it would be hard without his wife. I had often talked about joining them, but had never done it. I told my brother I'd go this year if he would like me to tag along. He was very happy to accept my offer. 

Well, it's next week. I can feel every part of me tense up, non-stop headaches, nausea, etc. 

My logical brain knows these are all kind,  good people who will welcome me.  But my still shattered brain tells me I can't do this without John. My logical brain says, this is not about me, it's about supporting my brother who is lost in early grief.  My broken brain says How can you interact with all these people who never knew the most wonderful person who was and is an essential part of you?

I know this doesn't make any logical sense. It's been more than 5 years since John died, but this will be the first time I do something new without him.  Covid has given me cover to become an extreme introvert these past few years. 

Part of me wants to use the recent increases in Covid cases to back out of the trip. But the reality is everyone there will be vaccinated and boosted and masked when indoors. Most all of the activities are outdoors. I'm in a private room for sleeping.  The risk of catching Covid is pretty low and the risk of me becoming seriously ill if I do catch it is also very low. 

My brother does want to attend, and my being there will be a big support to him. 

So I am trying to muster all my courage and just do it. 

Life without our soulmate is just hard. 

Gail

 

 

 

[KayC]

Gail, I know that pit in the stomach so well, I feel it whenever I have to go to my son's or do anything I feel apprehensive about.  

I think you know this is important to your brother and for that reason you'll do it anyway.  But will feel relieved when it's over and you're back on your own turf.  

I'm not sure why we feel it, but I hope you know, for what it's worth, I care.  Sending you kind thoughts and hoping it's not as scary as it seems...

Love you!

[foreverhis]

Oh, Gail.  I so understand this--and my big four day event was a family wedding weekend where I knew half the people and was supported emotionally by people who love me and John.  Actually, the hardest moment in some ways was when the groom (our nephew-by-choice who was super close to John and is still close to me) found me on his own at the reception.  He enveloped me in a huge hug (he and John are both great huggers) and whispered hoarsely, "I'm glad you're here. I love you."  I very nearly lost it then, but held it together.  I told him I was proud of him and that he is a lucky man and his wife is a lucky woman.

Honestly, you are really brave to do this for your brother.  I'm sure you already know this, but perhaps if you keep focusing on the fact that you're helping your brother get through it, then it might not be as emotionally painful/difficult for you. 

I'll be sending you all the good thoughts and strength possible.  It truly is wonderful and caring of you to do this for your brother.

[Carol34]

I don't have any advice or suggestions, but I feel your pain.  For me, it's only been 9 months.  I was never very outgoing in the first place, and I always referred to Paul as my buffer when we were in social situations.  I don't like crowds, and I have a paralyzing fear of being around people I don't know.  My daughter says I'm an "inside cat". 

One of Paul's brothers still keeps in touch every now and then.  The last time we talked, he told me his son will be getting married next year. I've known that young man since he was 4 years old.  I'm sure they expect me to go to the wedding, but I can already tell you that I know I can't.  Social anxiety and akwardness aside, I think it would be too much for me to bear, being around all of his family members without him. 

I admire you for offering to go, and I will be praying for your strength.  Let us know how it goes.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, cmp34 said:

Let us know how it goes.

Yes...

[Gail 8588]

I am here at the retreat in North Carolina.  Quite a bit out of my comfort zone but managing to get through it.  I do feel my brother is very glad I am here.  Many people here know him and have asked about his wife.  He has had to tell the short version of her passing quite a few times. I ache for him because I remember how painful that was for me to do in early grief.  I think word is spreading to all the folks that knew them as a couple that his wife died and that I am his sister. (I think some of them wondered who I was.)

I have not mentioned to anyone here that I am a widow. I am wearing my wedding ring. I am just trying to stay in the background and support my brother.

Last fall my brother signed up to give a 2 part seminar at this retreat. The first of his 2 hour classes was this morning.  It went well. The second half of the class is Friday, but now that the first half is done I think he will be able to relax a bit.

I will be glad when I am traveling home.

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

Thinking of you, Gail.  It is a kind thing you are doing for your brother.

[Lost7]

Gail what strength that took for you to do this for your brother. I'm amazed that he was able to do it in his early grief! Pushing forward is all we can do. I know you'll be glad when the event is over, but thinking back will probably. Be glad that you went  to. I lost my husband to covid January 2022 and he was an only child. I stay in touch with his mother because she has no one else, she insisted  going to a grief share program one month after his passing. I went with her even though I really didn't want to go. I was not able to share much in the group but listened. So I would say this forum has been so much more helpful to me just reading the stories makes me feel like I'm not alone in my grief.

Lost7