Bittersweet

[Goforth860]

I have finally gotten into our new apt. Well I guess now it's just MY apt. I'm not totally moved in yet. Most of my things are here but the neighbor who is helping me works a strenuous full time job and it's been storming here the past week and a ½ in the evenings so that's put off progress. As I sit here I see all the things we did together as a family. His daughter her bf John and myself.  Spackle paint clean. I'm extremely excited and happy to be in here but it's so empty.  I'm so alone 😔.  If it weren't for my neighbor I really don't know what I would've done. I don't have the $ to pay anyone to help move me and I really don't know anyone else. John and I were loners. Antisocial  only social with each other. So now he's gone and it's just me. Stevie the neighbor has been amazing.  He's helped me out in any and every way that he can. I feel like such a nuisance or a bother. He's never made me feel like that but I'm feeling useless worthless and helpless.  I've got a lot of physical problems and I'm moving from an upstairs apt to a downstairs handicapped apt. I do my best to do what I can and I have moved a LOT of stuff one basket full at a time but the trips up and down the steps walking across the property and carrying things as well. I do good to get myself up and down those stairs let alone carrying something.  But I have no choice.  John's gone and I already feel like I'm just not pulling my part. I am though. Hell I'm pulling more than my part with the physical issues I have but it's not Stevies responsibility to do all of this. He is a wonderful young man and he told John and I he would help us move. Now that John's gone he's making sure to move me. This house has good memories. I like the fact that I don't walk by his room and still see him laying there dead and blue.  I like the fact that this is a step forward. Not moving on or getting over it but moving forward.  Taking the next step of life. That's the other bitter part. Not only is the house empty but I'm moving forward in my life without him. I have felt bad for feeling a lil better each day. I don't cry as much. My heart is still breaking and yes it's still hard to breath but I'm slowly getting back to living. It's without him and it's hard. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this but I'm doing it. I say the spare room now instead of John's room. It's the lil things that hurt but at the same time make it a lil easier to take the next step forward.  I was Taking it sec by sec as most of you know. I am generally able to take it day by day now. Sometimes not but for the most part I am. I'm very lonely 🙁.  I miss him like crazy but I know hes gone and he's never coming back. For the longest time all I could say is I just want.him back. I still think it and I still want it but I've been able to quit saying it.  Anyway. That's my bittersweet thoughts.

[KayC]

I can't imagine moving, you've accomplished a huge feat IMO and I'm so glad the neighbor is there helping you!  Yes, like you said, not moving on, but moving forward. 

[Goforth860]

What's imo

[KayC]

in my opinion

[April Ballou]

Life is bittersweet I think all of Darrells family has written me off, except his mother and his step-dad.   My grown children are busy, seem too busy for me.  God blessed me a year and a half ago and provided me with a nice 3 bedroom,  2 bath trailer house.   I feel so lost.  Nobody cares, Nobody understands.   Darrell was my first and only true love.  We had 38 years together and if he were alive we would be celebrating 40 years together.   So what do I do?  I can't afford to do anything.   I'm praying that I can do something next month.   August 3, 2002 we renewed our wedding vows.  So God willing I can do something then.  But how can I celebrate an anniversary with just me?  

[KayC]

I don't know the answers to that...last year would have been our 20th anniversary...come and gone without him.  The world in a Covid mess.  Our church shut down for it that month.  I was alone in this, so alone.  Taking my friend to her cancer port surgery and my sister for her many eye care appts.  Now she too is gone.

They say that this is the land of the living...for those of us who have lost someone, it is more than that, it is forever holding a place for that one in our heart that passed.

If you could do what you want, how would you celebrate?  What does that look like to you?  Maybe aim for that.

[LMR]

On 7/13/2022 at 2:14 PM, April Ballou said:

Life is bittersweet I think all of Darrells family has written me off, except his mother and his step-dad.   My grown children are busy, seem too busy for me.  God blessed me a year and a half ago and provided me with a nice 3 bedroom,  2 bath trailer house.   I feel so lost.  Nobody cares, Nobody understands.   Darrell was my first and only true love.  We had 38 years together and if he were alive we would be celebrating 40 years together.   So what do I do?  I can't afford to do anything.   I'm praying that I can do something next month.   August 3, 2002 we renewed our wedding vows.  So God willing I can do something then.  But how can I celebrate an anniversary with just me?  

Our 46th wedding anniversary would have been just a couple of weeks ago. I didn't do anything except I got out some of the old cards we had sent each other and put them on display. Nobody else remembered. It was a sad day and I had been dreading it but it was not quite as bad as I had feared. Had I tried doing what we used to do together I would have ended up a mess. All we can do now is to hold them in our thoughts and hearts, as we do every day. The saddest thing always is seeing how soon other people forget. That hurts. He was special and deserved better. I know that is how you feel sbout Darrell. 

[April Ballou]

Yes it's hard @LMR.  Apparently everyone has forgotten about our loved ones but us.  For us it just never stops hurting.

[Goforth860]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

The saddest thing always is seeing how soon other people forget.

I have heard "move on" "you can handle it" and even "get over it". I see ppl roll their eyes and hear them sigh when I mention his name because yes once again I'm mentioning him. What he's done or said. How can I forget someone that I spent almost everyday with for the last 13 years. Yes it's easy for you to move on or get over him being gone because he wasn't a constant in your life. You didn't tell him good morning and good night every morning and every night.  You weren't the first and last to tell him Happy holidays whatever holiday it might've been. New years 4th of July to Christmas.  From Jan 1st to Dec 31. Hell there were a lot of times you didn't even say a word to him on any holiday. On July 30th 2021 his last bday I went to my last physical therapy appt.  There's a flower shop in the same lil complex as my physical therapist.  So I thought I would get him some flowers for his bday. I went over and told them that I wanted to buy some roses. I picked some that were more of buds and some open more than the others but they were all gorgeous to me. I knew that there are different meanings to the colors but didn't care what the meaning of them were. All I knew was that the rose symbolizes love. John and I didn't have the traditional type of relationship or love as everyone else did. Ours was a very special and unique kind of love. I thought hard and decided that I'd pick one of each color but there were only 10 colors.  So I asked the color of friendship and they told me yellow. I told them I wanted each color with 3 yellow and I wanted a vase some with greenage and babies breath in with them. As they were arranging the flowers I was looking at the balloons and I picked 3 that just spoke "us" to me. As I was looking through the cards. I saw 3 that I liked. I knew that I was pushing the cash limit of my acct so I asked them to add it all up for me. They told me the price of everything and I could only afford the flowers 2 balloons and 2 cards. I picked between them and went home. When I came in he was in the living room watching a Marvel movie. He loved the Marvel movies and had gotten me to watch them for the first time while he rewatched them with me. As I walked in I sang my own special version of happy bday. I sat the flowers on the side table hugged and kissed him and wished him a happy bday. When I pulled back he cut a look at me and said what do you think I'm a woman.  I told him no this is what you're supposed to do for someone on their bday.  You're supposed to let them know how much you love and care for them. Tell them how much they mean to you and how special  they are. He smiled as a tear rolled down his cheek.  I sat beside him and asked him what was wrong. It was late in the afternoon and he told me neither his mom or his daughter had called to tell him Happy bday. I grabbed his hand hugged him as hard as I could and he cried on my shoulder. I told him that I know I'm not his blood and that it didn't make up for them but I loved him. That I did this because I wanted him to know how special he is to me. He thanked me and he gathered himself.  He asked me if I wanted to watch another movie with him and I said sure. I dont know if he knew it but I caught him several times "stopping to smell the roses" that I had bought for him. Almost 2 weeks later we were in his room and had just gotten through watching another Marvel movie when I saw the flowers were wilted and I asked him if he was ever going to throw them out. He said he didn't want to. I told him they were shriveled up. He said good night so I sighed shook my head told him good night and I loved him. The next morning I took him his coffee and Oj and they were gone. I didn't think anything else of it. When I was cleaning out his room after he died I looked in a lil 3 drawer shelf and I found the cards. I broke down. He had kept the cards from the flowers I had gotten him for his last bday. I think about times like that and don't  see how ppl can "get over it" so soon. I just can't. He meant and still means SO much more to me than to be able to just move on. 

[DWS]

I already cried earlier today and your sweet story of his birthday last year brought tears again to these tired eyes.

And no...we don't move on or get over it and I think hearing it only strengthens the love we have for our partners and spouses. We defend it because the love matters and their life greatly matters. I realize that most people don't want to be brought down by our grief so there are times where we have to be kind to ourselves and stay away from those who aren't respectful to our devastating loss. 

[KayC]

Yes, it matters.  And we keep them alive in our hearts, always...they are not forgotten, not as long as we live.