Jump to content

Painfully


Everbrie

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Everbrie

Nana 

I have been through bad things In my life, have had loved one pass. Nana passing did it for me this was the one thing In life that would break me… I would rather re live other things than this ..the moment I saw her take her last breath something shifted in me. What have I done…..wait I’m not ready… I don’t want this… I made a mistake. I feel like my insides and heart have been torn from inside of me. Gore……severed ….I should have tried one more option. Why am I so stupid right now …She was whimpering she wasn’t ready. I knew I wasn’t ready. What’s wrong with me …. Should I doubt the veterinarian …I don’t even recognized my own crying. Kill me instead …anyone you want I will accept it. It sounds like a screech of death and horror. Who the **** am I… I feel like my insides are going to come out through my mouth. I can’t breathe anymore… I forgot how to breathe. I need to breathe ….Something inside of me has left indefinitely. Was it part of my soul…it has to be. What do I do now… I feel void…. It’s missing… my insides are sore. What did I do with my time, with her lifetime. Guilty… regret… resentment… absolute sorrow. No words can compare to what I feel. I can write and write but no words exist. They say time heals.. for what. For why … I can’t wait….  I need something I’m desperate. Watered down cliche words don’t suffice. For now …. I will exist to settle with those words. Only to settle your own emotions …Because when I speak .. they are not listening to my words… my words ….Have meaning which no one can relate ….they can’t hear what I am saying….. so I keep to myself .. I won’t tell anyone what I feel because I will only be betrayed. She is gone … I feel it every second and minute of my day. She was me…. What I’ve lost … my Jack Russell terrier she was my soul. Unconditional … short lived … how am I suppose to move on. Isolation brings me comfort ….I’ll wake up and scrape myself off the floor and play my role as a mother, a daughter, a wife… in order to play this parent life I am in….. what has happen to me was more than death of a Jack Russell … she was me. I will play pretend….I am longing …. My longing for her plays tricks on me…. Why would she come back … was I even  worthy of her… still I long for her Indefinitely  and for the rest of my existence. They speak of a rainbow Bridge….. do I even deserve it…. But my nana deserves to exist beyond it all…..she has to exist beyond it all….. she worth more than us humans and all….for humanity is fault. I have lost and failed incredibly. 
 

I miss my dog …. I hate that she got sick … why does illness exist. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • Like 1
  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry you lost your dog...when was this?  I'm glad you're reaching out here, it's very hard to process, very hard to grasp this happened, it feels so surreal, how can they be gone, they were just here!  So much a part of us.  They were our lives.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
It may not play out like this, but I believe in after life and hope you can hope with me....that maybe just maybe there is something to this...I choose to believe!

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
foreverhis

Welcome.  I too am so sorry you have lost your precious Nana.  It's incredibly, almost unbelievably painful to lose an innocent soul who we love so much and who loves us with all their heart.  Your thoughts are very familiar to all of us here.  The truth is that yes, you have lost a piece of your heart.  They take it with them when they must go.  But also yes, I believe the Rainbow Bridge exists, probably not how we might picture it, but it's there and they are there waiting for us.  They are healthy and strong and young again.  They deserve it--and so do we!  We deserve it because we love them and they love us, no other requirements are necessary, IMO.  When it's our time, I do have faith that we will be reunited with them in one way or another. 

Until that time, we struggle onward in this life knowing we've been given the grace of perfect love.  Not everyone finds that.  Please keep coming here to read and talk; it helps over time, it really does.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Everbrie

Thank you your words help…it’s a struggle for sure. I think this is week 3 it feels like longer.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It can take a long time for the tears to subside into something more manageable, but it feels like we carry a grief weight inside of us, even years later.  I keep Arlie's grave cleared off, it helps to know I honor him in that respect.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
foreverhis
3 hours ago, Everbrie said:

Her little sister misses her too…

2DF1F59B-2D1C-439B-A024-CBFA644486C1.jpeg

22FDCCC5-B60A-43B9-A2A9-6A7EB73963B7.jpeg

So sweet and sad. 
 

Yes, our pets do grieve. Some people don’t believe that. They are wrong.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Everbrie
16 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, they do, as talked about here:
Grieving Pet

that letter made my heart hurt. Maybe I need to write to nana…. I leave her crate open and put all her toys and her blanket in it. Her sister Lyla doesn’t go inside…. I’m waiting to dream of her. I hoped to be visited but I’ve been so numb and lost. I have my 2 year old that keeps me busy but I can’t stop thinking of her. So much regret….it replays over and over. The first week she was gone my 2 year olds would be playing alone and kept saying Nana Nana … then he would peek in her crate …. Destroyed me. That same week I saw a pretty rainbow … I saw clouds that looked like dogs… one chasing a ball running the other one with wings. Maybe it’s an effect of longing for her. I hope she knows how I much I miss her and how sorry I am…..

A3B36E4E-1001-463F-8880-62A0E7244551.jpeg

728AE241-EECD-45AC-B541-32FA09404096.jpeg

E99CCCB2-B2A1-43CF-9B95-8DDE8BB6C3DC.jpeg

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Maybe the rainbow is saying something to you...

  • Angel Wings 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you for sharing it with us!  Beautiful pictures of your babies...ahh the memories!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

That video is so sweet, what an adorable girl. I am so so sorry for your loss. 

The 13 old pom/chi/shiba mix I have is struggling a lot. Pancreatitis. Maybe heart failure?? I have only had her a few months but I am so scared to go through this process again. The pain. The guilt I have already for trying to make her comfortable and not doing enough. I fear will haunt me... 

We work so hard to do the right thing. 

  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Everbrie

Thank you she loved attention and meeting people she was pure joy but she did have a diva side she was very dominating. 
 

That sounds so heartbreaking…..when I found out my girl had heart failure she was gone in 3 months it went by so fast I feel like I didn’t do enough. I feel so much guilt because when I had my first son I feel like I didn’t spend a lot of time with her. She was always around me waiting Patiently for her turn 💔…. I hope she can forgive me… I wish we all had more time 

Make second count … give your baby all the love you can. Be happy even if your sad… lift her spirits because they can feel our emotions. Give her warm gentle nurturing care…. Their love is unconditional. She needs you the most right now. I am so sorry you and your baby are going through this. ❤️❤️❤️

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

There's never enough time. I had my cat we lost tragically (almost 5 yrs ago now) for 10 years and it wasn't enough. Knowing how you grieve for her - your love and care for Nana was bottomless, no doubt she knew it and felt it everyday being around you, even in your busiest, hurried moments.   

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, AJWCat said:

The 13 old pom/chi/shiba mix I have is struggling a lot. Pancreatitis. Maybe heart failure?? I have only had her a few months but I am so scared to go through this process again. The pain. The guilt I have already for trying to make her comfortable and not doing enough. I fear will haunt me... 

OMG, I can't believe it.  It seems those of us who love pets are destined to struggle.  :(  I'm wondering how long I'll have Panther Kitty with me.  It's been too hot to spend much time out there with him, but my heart goes out to him, he pretty much stays on or under the patio deck.

AJWC, I hope and pray it's longer than you think, and that she's not suffering during this time...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks, off to the vet again today. I made the mistake of giving her more of her old food, I think that was the issue. 

The good news is, I think cats don't mind the heat as much as they are desert-dwelling - many of them. I am sure he's okay. Just needs water!! 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Everbrie

I’m debating on rescuing/adopting a dog…my Lyla needs a companion for when I have to work. She’s been so attached to me she hates when I leave her alone. I feel ready but I don’t want to feel like I’m replacing Nana. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Too hard for my old eyes to read, but I'm glad they wrote something that touched you!

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
CharliesM0m2012
On 7/29/2022 at 11:52 AM, KayC said:

It's not replacing, never could be, instead it's forming new bonds.
When is the right time to get a new pet?

I would one day like the companionship of another / 2nd dog / cat / maybe a human child one day but no one, no one could ever be a replacement for my Charlie girl she was 1 of a kind.  I would love to grow my little family a bit again and whoever comes, I’m sure Charlie will be looking out for them from up above 

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Everbrie

I didn’t realize the letter was so blurry! Our veterinary office made a donation to the college of Veterinary medicine and biomedical sciences Texas A&M  university in memory of Nana. The college sent their condolences. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Everbrie

Yes it made my heart burst with emotions. I miss my girl Nana so much, not a day or second goes by that I don’t think about her. ❤️ I start my volunteer work at a local animal shelter. I figured I scrape myself up off the floor and do something good.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The Invisible Leash 

I just knew I wouldn’t be able to read this book without welling up + the pulling feeling of devastation coming over me as if my heart is being slowly, painfully ripped out.   It’s been just under 4 months + it’s still very raw + painful.  RIP Charlie x

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.