Preparing for my mom’s death

[Hope4all]

My mom was diagnosed in January with small cell lung cancer. She was immediately admitted to the hospital where she began chemo and has responded very well to it. But now it’s July and she is having balance issues and trouble remembering things. She has an MRI of her brain coming up and I’m scared it has spread. I have always been very close to my parents and I have not experienced debilitating grief before as I suspect I will when it’s her time. I’m scared because I’ve experienced depression and suicidal thoughts before and feeling that way is really hard to manage. I’m trying to ‘prepare’ as best as I can now so that maybe I can somewhat soften the blow when it happens by knowing I have resources to help me cope. That’s why I just signed up for this site. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get through the most painful time of your life, I’m all ears. 

[passiveaggressiveneutral]

Prepare for it by taking care of your life as well, so you're not anticipating an emergency with you. Read the Bible with her or to her. Sing hymns and songs. Lookup different stories on grief. It may or may not be hard for you, but for many, it is VERY hard. Be ready to cry lots. 

[suomursu]

Hi.

First of all, I'm so sorry for you. My own mom died June 15th after two years of battling with pancreatic cancer. Death of a loved one is something you can't fully prepare, no matter how much time you get. My advice for you is to take care of your needs (sleep, food, mental health), while spending as much time with your mom as possible. If you have something you want to tell her, do it. If you have something to apologise for, do it. Don't wait. Tell you love her.  Be there for her, but don't forget yourself.

 

As for the death itself... I don't know how one copes with that. You'll just need to try to carry on. It'll take time, and you will cry and it will hurt, but I hope it gets better. Sending love ❤️

[Hope4all]

Thank you suomursu. I’m sorry you lost your mother too. I try to believe that there is a purpose in all things- that it will all make sense when we die why things happened the way they did on Earth. It’s obviously hard though not to wonder why some people get to live to be in their 90s while others die younger. Why am I losing my mom at my age (38) and others get to be with their moms into their 60s? All anyone can do is be grateful for the time they have and continue to live life showing love to others. Isn’t that what it’s all about? 

[Traz]

Dear Hope4all,

I have been where you are and my heart goes out to you, as you deal with your mom's cancer. 

The grief will come hard after her passing, but try to make every moment count by expressing your feelings of love for her. Ask her questions, ie - if there are things you never knew about her, like from her childhood or relatives she had that you never met or knew much about. Or it could just be things that are important to you. 

I recorded my last conversation with my mom when she was in the hospital. She didn't know, but I wanted to have her voice saved forever. When my Dad passed away (years before my mom) I clipped a lock of his hair to keep. Some people may find that weird or morbid but it helped me cope. 

I think many people have had suicidal thoughts or ideation at one time or another, but if you find yourself going down that road, please reach out for help. Depression is a battle and I've had it most of my adult life. Therapy and meds helped. (not for everyone, I get it)

38 is too young to lose a parent. I agree with you. My friend is 57 and she still has both parents. They have no serious medical issues either. I am glad for her, but it's hard for me. I was 32 when my Dad died and he never got to see his grandkids grow up. But at least he met them, so I'm grateful for that.

I found watching stories about near death experiences on YouTube extremely comforting too. It gave me a lot of hope. 

I hope you find lots of support here during this difficult time. Xo

[Hope4all]

Thank you so much, Traz. I’m so sorry about the loss of your parents. I LOVE near death experience stories. I have watched and read so many! They do fascinate me and give me comfort. For some people it’s the Bible or their religion but I consider myself more spiritual and near death experiences are what speak to me. I don’t doubt that she will be in a better place but I’ll be in a worse place without her. I will try my best to live the best I can without her physical presence because all we can do is treat our life like a gift and make the most of what we got. 

[Katie23]

I'm gonna be honest, I hate cancer so much because I also experienced a loss because of it and it still hurts a lot even this day. It's so unfair how peopel die when they did nothing wrong and even lived a healthy life. I wish we could someday cure this curse

[Kevin8988]

I hope your mom is not experiencing any discomfort or pains from cancer.  The one thing we all hope if any of us or our loved ones expecting near term death is to go painlessly. At least I know I want to go fast with no pains. 

[Hope4all]

Her biggest thing now is fatigue. But as of recently she feels unsteady and really needs to use a walker. She isn’t in any pain yet thank God. I hope that when the time comes, if she is in any pain, that can hopefully be subdued with medication. 

[Traz]

On 7/15/2022 at 9:24 AM, Hope4all said:

Thank you so much, Traz. I’m so sorry about the loss of your parents. I LOVE near death experience stories. I have watched and read so many! They do fascinate me and give me comfort. For some people it’s the Bible or their religion but I consider myself more spiritual and near death experiences are what speak to me. I don’t doubt that she will be in a better place but I’ll be in a worse place without her. I will try my best to live the best I can without her physical presence because all we can do is treat our life like a gift and make the most of what we got. 

You are very welcome and I send you strength and courage as you come to terms with your precious mom. I'm so glad you like NDE stories. One really amazing one is The Near Death Experience of Jeffrey Olsen. Its on YouTube. Take care xo.