Counselor Can't Heal Thyself

[Kelainee]

March went out with a big BOOM on the day that I learned of my cousin taking her own life. The eldest daughter of one of my first cousins, I didn't know her well, but it made somewhere around the 14th suicide in my life.  I'm tired of counting. The day after I told me daughter of the loss, she told me that she lost a work friend to a horrific method of suicide that same day.  I lost it.  Ive lost too many to this horribly growing epidemic.  Within a couple of weeks, a first cousin who lived nearby died from Cancer.  He was raised right down the road from me in the home where my father was born.  This was about the time also that I had to put my pup of 9 years to sleep, also due to illness.  Little did I know this was not the worst of my year yet.

Along comes June.  I had my birthday, the big six-two.  Then June 13 arrives.  I had just heard from my ex the day before, --(the good ex) who messaged me to ask a question but later said "It's okay I got it."  Ok.  I was at work.  I got a call and now I do not even know for sure who called me but George was in the hospital.  George had been in the hospital many times with heart issues. I was always available for advice or help but due to work I was not the one who nursed him back to some functional level of health.  This call did not sound good so I quickly left work and headed to the hospital.  His heart and other orders were giving out.  He knew it was near the end this time.  I was also informed that his brother was 2 hours away in another hospital with a new and end-of-life cancer diagnosis.  Family was at bedside.  The next day I had the task of going into the hospital and letting George know that his younger brother had died. So much to deal with when you are facing your own end of life. My heart was breaking for him and for his family, especially his 88 year old mother who I absolutely adore. 

I spend before and after work with George at the hospital. His family visited after they said goodbye to the brother, and his "friend" was also bedside. That is a story in itself fully of everything from comedy to confusion, to disbelief to anger and to pity. I did my best with her. Again, that is a whole story in itself. Thursday came and my darling daughter-in-law brought in George's best fried Jack--his aging and unhealthy PUG who was always by his side.  I was glad he got to see him and it was difficult as he talked to Jack about going over the Rainbow Bridge and how he would be there soon to be with him.  You see, Jack was going to be put to sleep and cremated to be buried with George.  His little talk is something I'll never forget. On Friday I left work early to see George. No  one else was coming. From 3pm Friday until 3 am Sunday morning I was by his side. I felt I needed to support his family and although the friend was difficult, I supported her as well.  

I know how others feel when they tell me they haven't had time to grieve.  Too busy with tracking down Veteran benefits, bills, household clearing, and, unfortunately dealing with the troubled "friend."  I am on a three-day streak of no tears although I have been close a few times. I know that by writing this all out at some point will be my biggest therapy. I have to mask a lot of my feelings as I am a hospice social worker.  I AM the one who counsels others when they grieve.  Right now I cry, feel ill, cannot breathe, and know that soon I will have to sit with my feelings and face the reality that the man I once loved is gone.  He always remained a part of our family and a part of that love never left.  

[reader]

Dear Kelainee,

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry to read about everything you have dealt with. It is a lot for one person to cope with and it's only understandable to feel overwhelmed. I know we all try so hard to be strong for everyone around us, but I hope you can get some additional supports too. Please know we are here with you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Kelainee]

Thank you “reader”. It’s getting better. Funeral will be in a few weeks. I think after that I’ll be able to process it all better. 

[reader]

Dear Kelainee,

How are you doing?

Thinking of you. x