Members cindysue Posted November 27, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 27, 2005 Trish, See I told you..that he will come to you in your dreams I just had this strong feeling he would..the dreams seem so real like he is truely thier cause to me he is thier with you..yes James will be waiting for you when its your time ready to be with you forever...just like I know Roger will be but I pray I can at least remain on this earth till Byron is grown and on his own..he does'nt need to lose a mommy too...havin one last child from Roger was a miracle I mean we never expected another child as our youngest daughter was 19 at the time but the good Lord wanted me to have another child..and I thank God everyday for him...he keeps me for not being lonely I just figured since I did'nt get pregnant for so long we were not meant to have another boy were we surprised..and thrilled and to give him a son was a great ending..Roger adored his son and treasured him..he loved all his kids but he always wanted another one and he got his last final wish and got to enjoy him for a little while before he passed away...I never went to a program like that but I should have and still think I should I think it may help me to over come some of this grief I face everyday at night..let me know how it comes out..I am thinkin about joining one of them..I gotta run for now my little one is havin a hard time sleepin he;s having a nightmare or somethin..or he is gettin sick cause he keeps crying will write you again tomorrow..Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted November 28, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2005 Cindy Sue,Thank you for writing. I pray that Byron is not getting sick. I love children and always wanted to have a least one, but God has other plans for me. This seems to be my answer for everything lately... "God has other plans for me." I figure that if I say it enough, I will believe it??? Well, I went back to work today. This was not easy, as the last place that James was doing a job was on the roof at my place of employment. I felt like everyone was tip toeing around me too... Maybe it is just me, but it just doesn't feel like it used to there. Of course I have my friends there that came and talked to me, to see how I am holding up... How am I holding up you ask? I can't even tell you, as I feel like I am still in some kind of fog. Thank God for my parents, I am eatting 2 meals a day... I guess that I will have to get myself going on my own things and not let my parents take care of me all of the time...I am hoping to be able to go to WI, for Christmas. I have a niece that I still haven't gotten to meet... I just don't feel like getting into the holiday spirit, I am sure that you know exactly what I mean???Well, hope that Byron is feeling better. You are right, you do have a gift left by Roger. That is truly a blessing for you. I am sure that he does keep you busy and keep your mind from the hurt of missing Roger so much..... Maybe not, I don't know.Well, I hope to hear from you soon.God BlessTrish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted November 28, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2005 Trish, your makin the first step going back to work I know it was probably really hard to just keep your mind on your work when you just been through such a bad time..my heart really go's out to you cause I know how it feels..and its not a good feeling..the holidays really are not a fun time anymore..but I am tryin for Byron's sake..cause he is only 2 years old..and needs a mommy to make him happy not one so sad and cryin all the time everytime I cry he will climb on my lap and take my hands away and hug me and kiss me...and if I keep cryin he will cry also cause he don't like seein anyone cry..he is such a loving little boy..he is 31 monthes old but he is smaller then 70 percent of kids his age he is small like me I guess..he could pass for 18 monthes old..he even looks like a baby..and still he can not talk good...so he is in speech to help him..he tries so hard though and repeats everything I say he just can't form sentences yet..but he will in time. Byron's little heart is gettin weaker and the doctor says he will need the catherzation very soon..after he has it he will feel better ..he tires out easy ...I know Trish times like this you miss James really bad but things that happen are meant to be I guess..wish we could understand why..Yeah I believe the good Lord does have very special plans for you ..I am so sorry though you can't have children you seem like you would be an excellant mother but thiers always a reason why things happen I guess just like I did'nt want another child at the age of 45 and the good Lord thought different...I cried for monthes cause I did'nt want another and know that I have him I thank God everyday for giving me one last precious child from Roger he knew what he was doing when this happened..I guess it was'nt meant for me to be alone.. I was thinkin bout what you said I think people at work probably was tiptoeing around you cause they did'nt know what to say to you cause they know you are hurting and they did'nt wanna say the wrong thing to upset you...cause thats the way people were around me the longest time...even though Roger's been gone for almost 16 monthes it feels like yesterday and the pain is still thier but its better to tolerate I realize now no matter how long I grieve he will never be back so I am learning to except it..which is not that easy..but thankyou Trish..I am here for you anytime...Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted November 29, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2005 CindySue,I will keep Byron in my prayers. You are right, it does feel like yesterday that James and I were eatting lunch together. I keep on thinking about what I would have/could have said to him for my last words for him. I know that he knew how much I love him and don't have regrets about that. I still just keep on blaming myself for going to sleep and not being able to save him... I cry about that every day and ask him to forgive me. How can he forgive me for something that I didn't do on purpose... I know, but it is just something that I am needing to go through.I believe that you are right, God did give you Byron so that you would not be alone. I also believe that God gave me James children to live on with his memory. They were all so very important to him and he loved them all... I know that they are all hurting badly too, as we all miss him so much. I hope that they are taking to their mom's about it though and know that they know I am ALWAYS here to talk to them.I talk to James family every day. We always did keep in touch, but now it seems more important. I know that his mom cries for him every day too.... So do I. James death is just so tragic and caught me so off guard. I now think that life is just so short here on Earth and want to treasure each and every moment that I have!!! I am glad that I came back to work, for if I didn't, I would be sitting at home, in bed crying most of the day... I am also joined a bible study group at my church that meets every Tuesday and will be going through the bereavement group that I told you about. Do you do things to help you through your grief, I mean, other than online??? I don't think that I need meds or a single session with a therapist, just yet, but I may in time. I try to be strong, as my mom is a very strong woman and I do take after her. Plus I know that James always like it that I was a strong woman... I feel bad having to reach out and ask for help, but I am doing it now, for otherwise I would be in a much worse place than I am...I read some place that people would be here for you at first, but then they would dissapear. I see it happening already... It is sad, but everyone has their own lives and needs to get back to them. Have you noticed that too???Well, take care and give Byron an extra hug from me... I can only imagine how precious he is. God gave you such a blessing when Byron came into your life. You are a very lucky woman. It may not always feel that way, but think about people like me who love kids and can't have any...Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted November 29, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2005 CindySue,I will keep Byron in my prayers. You are right, it does feel like yesterday that James and I were eatting lunch together. I keep on thinking about what I would have/could have said to him for my last words for him. I know that he knew how much I love him and don't have regrets about that. I still just keep on blaming myself for going to sleep and not being able to save him... I cry about that every day and ask him to forgive me. How can he forgive me for something that I didn't do on purpose... I know, but it is just something that I am needing to go through.I believe that you are right, God did give you Byron so that you would not be alone. I also believe that God gave me James children to live on with his memory. They were all so very important to him and he loved them all... I know that they are all hurting badly too, as we all miss him so much. I hope that they are taking to their mom's about it though and know that they know I am ALWAYS here to talk to them.I talk to James family every day. We always did keep in touch, but now it seems more important. I know that his mom cries for him every day too.... So do I. James death is just so tragic and caught me so off guard. I now think that life is just so short here on Earth and want to treasure each and every moment that I have!!! I am glad that I came back to work, for if I didn't, I would be sitting at home, in bed crying most of the day... I am also joined a bible study group at my church that meets every Tuesday and will be going through the bereavement group that I told you about. Do you do things to help you through your grief, I mean, other than online??? I don't think that I need meds or a single session with a therapist, just yet, but I may in time. I try to be strong, as my mom is a very strong woman and I do take after her. Plus I know that James always like it that I was a strong woman... I feel bad having to reach out and ask for help, but I am doing it now, for otherwise I would be in a much worse place than I am...I read some place that people would be here for you at first, but then they would dissapear. I see it happening already... It is sad, but everyone has their own lives and needs to get back to them. Have you noticed that too???Well, take care and give Byron an extra hug from me... I can only imagine how precious he is. God gave you such a blessing when Byron came into your life. You are a very lucky woman. It may not always feel that way, but think about people like me who love kids and can't have any...I am now home from work. I got a call from my best friend, who was at her doctors office. When James saw the MD on the Friday before his death, the doctor prescribed him Methadone 160mg and 2mg of Xanax. The Methadone for pain and the Xanax to sleep. Well, on the wall at her MD office, there was a notice to patients. It states that Methadone is NOT to be taken with Xanax or any other Benzo as it is DEADLY!!! The office WILL not even prescribe both to the same patient. I then called James sister in law and told her about what my friend had found. She did some research, she is an RN and found out that "YES," it is true, those 2 medications are deadly. She said that the doctor killed James!!! I am so upset right now... I know that Jame's death was for a reason, and I think that reason is for me to stop doctors from prescribing these 2 medications at the same time??? I am waiting to get the information his sister in law has collected thus far. She is going to be doing A LOT mor investigating and get back to me with it... I knew that doctors down here would just give whatever out, but when it is a deadly combination, someone needs to stop them... I am going to wait to get all of my facts and then want to take them to the authorities...Take care,hugs, TrishTrish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted November 29, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2005 Trish, I am sorry your feelin so sad yet it will take time..who knows how long I guess everyone is different how long they grieve..look how long its taken me..Rogers mom was so heartbroken as was his dad..this is the second child they lost the other one was only 30 he died of cancer..and just 3 weeks ago Roger;s mom died..I believe from a broken heart..she was so close to both her sons she has a daughter left but never got over her sons specilly Roger he was the youngest..my father-in-law is so broken hearted he lost both his sons and now his wife..I don't think he will be around too long he cries all the time and with his age he is 83..life is short you are right..at least my mother-in-law is with her sons again..you are right about one thing I am very lucky to have been able to have 3 wonderful kids by Roger and havin Byron was a complete surprise ...I feel so bad that you could never have any children cause to me you seem like you would be great with kids...it is'nt fair sometimes the people that wants a child real bad can't have any and the ones that don't deserve a child gets pregant and abuse them thats what makes me sick...you are blessed to have James kids they are meant to be a big part of your life...they are like your kids anyways..don't worry Trish James is with you even when your feelin so sad and you feel you need to cry he is comforting you he can hear everything you say..so keep talkin to him..he loves you and will always be in your heart...makes me happy that you can be so close to his family ..cause I know they are hurting also and they need you just as much as you do them...Sometimes I wish I was strong but I am not too good..I took pills for depression and anxiety cause I was gettin panic attacks and still do at times..cause I worry how am I gonna handle things myself after being married for 28 years..and then suddenly being alone..but I know Roger is in a better place but man is it hard not seeing him being near him huggin him..its so lonely but least I have my 3 kids to consider and be thier for them specially baby Byron he needs me more then ever,...thankyou for the prayers for him ..you take care Trish..and write again and I am concerned about you and worry..cause like I said before I know what you are going through..Your Friend..Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted November 30, 2005 Members Report Share Posted November 30, 2005 CindySue,I am so very tired tonight. I miss James more each day. I am still walking around in the "fog," as I have heard it called. My parents are staying with me yet, but they are leaving next week. That is when I believe that things are going to get even harder for me. Right now they are trying to kep my mind on the go and not letting me spend much time just looking into space... I am also reading a good book that helps to keep me focused as well as calling everyone that I know when I start to feel overwhelmed.One of the hardest things is to realize that I could live to be 90 and James will not be here with me. I can imagine how you feel after being married for 28 years. I miss James so very much and know how much you must miss Roger. I guess that it will just take time and that when God feels that we have grieved long enough, he will lift our spirits. Although right now, I can't imagine that time ever will come. James mom is having a REALLY hard time. I suggested that she come to stay with me for a little bit. She says that she wants to take a trip and get away for a while. One of her daughters, James sister, is really being horrible about James death. She hasn't even come to check up on her mom, I do often, and she lives right across the street. This sister went to a concer the day she found out that James died and last weekend had a big party, that none of the family ended up attending. I just don't get how some people can not feel overwhelmed about James??? Maybe I am being too harsh on her, but I feel that she is just like "oh well, James is dead." I don't know. Everyone handles grief in a different way....Well, you are in my prayers.Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 1, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2005 Trish, I can't believe it Roger's sister acts like the same way like big deal it was wierd a week before he died he and him got into a fight on the ph..and he was cryin sayin you never loved me as a brother and he hung up and a weel later he's dead now thats somethin she will have to live with..me and her never got along she is a stuckup woman and she is a nurse ..and she never liked me either..but now she will have to live the way she treated Roger,,at his funeral she bought cheap imatation flowers and after services she took the home with her plus took almost all the other flowers also..which I did'nt think it was right Roger was very loved thier was over 300 at his funeral..alot of flowers and so many people all his friends even his old teachers from school...yeah I was married for 28 years and together with him 31 years he was my life we were both 16 when we meant and dated and married at 18 ..I miss him so much..its not the same without him he was my life...I am glad your parents are here for you yeah it will hit you really hard when they leave..it will be very lonely...I think its terrible about James sister actin like that..I mean wow havin a party yet how could she even enjoy herself..I know I could'nt..man I would be a little mad too ..I don't blaame you..her mom needs her and she should be thier ..I can't understand people like that Rogers sister and James sister would get along I know probably deep down they love them but like you said some show grief in a different way I just don't understand it..your right I miss Roger so so much..he was a great husband never abusive or cheated I was very lucky to have him he did'nt believe in hitting a woman or cheating on them...maybe someday I will find a nice person that will be like that...but its hard I get asked out alot and always say no cause I feel like if I do I am cheating even though I would'nt be..but I can't see myself loving anyone else but him he was my everything..well Trish you hang in thier I am always here for you when your sad and feelin down..I hope in time our pain will lessen a little..Hugs to You,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 3, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 CindySue,I planted a palm tree in our front yard this morning. It is a memorial for James, as his body is up north and I am down here, 1300 miles away... It is a beautiful day and I felt him here with me while I was doing it. I said a little prayer and dedicated it to him. Sound crazy???Sounds like Roger and James sister came from the same egg. James has a wonderful family and his other sisters are wonderful. They are grieving too. Maybe just this one is having such a hard time with it that she has to not think about him being gone.What did Roger's sister need all of the flowers for??? Sounds like she is vendictive??? Did she do it to spite you??? All of James flowers were either donated or put right onto his grave. The ones that I bought him were put right into his coffin with him. They survived a long time, as I had bought time down here on Tuesday and the survived the trip up north and lasted until he got buried, which was Friday... I was very surprised. At least they are still with him. I also put pictures in his coffin as well as shells that he and I got from our beach. We liv 1/2 mile from a beach in Florida. I love it here. My parents want to sell this home, they own it but live in Wisconsin. James and I rented it from them. Any way, now they are preparing to sell it. I feel horrible, but I can't afford to buy it from them. Properties are so high down here...Well, I hope you are having a good day. I am very tired as I have been up and planting since early this am...Take care and prayers and God's blessings to you.Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 3, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 Trish, awwwww..I think that is so beautiful what you did plant a tree for a memorial for James I think that is awesome...I don't think its crazy one bit its so sweet...I can tell just by talkin to you You loved him very much..thats what makes it so painful to lose someone you love so much..Your right James sis and Rogers sis came from the same egg..both so evil when they wanna be whats so sad is Karen Roger's sister only seen Byron our 2 year old son 2 times since he was born and a week before Roger died he would argue with Karen and ask her why she did'nt like our kids and her knowing our baby byron has a heart condition never ever called to find out how he was doing...with her being a nurse you would think she would care but Roger used to cry about it..it hurt him so bad..you think men don't cry but he did when he was hurt and Roger was a big guy 6'3 240 pounds..but he had a heart of gold and a real softy...and all he ever wanted was his sister to care about him...so sad I hate her cause he made Roger so upset before he died..she had no right takin the flowers the ones I bought went with him to his grave but alot of the others she took..I did get some plants to take home..he had so so many so and she is so greedy I mean that lady has alot of money and has a 200 thousand dollar home and bragged about it all the time..but we also have a very nice home and Roger made over 200 thousand dollars a year but he was never a stuck up person in fact we gave to charity every year..he was very good with his money always gave it to people that needed it..he always thought he had everything and rather give to people that did'nt have anything..so what happened to her I have no idea she is the completely different Roger's parents are very wealthy and they are very sweet and thoughtful people..I hate stuckup rude people like her I swore I would never be like that or bring up my kids like that and both my girls are not like that..but her girls are like the same way she is..stuckup people that think thier better then anyone..its just too bad baby byron will never really know his aunt...I just feel sad about that..cause I always am friendly and have tried to get along with her but I give up on her long ago..just too bad she could'nt tell Roger she loved him before he died and he had to go to the grave thinkin his sister hated him.. wow you live in a nice warm place I live in Ohio where its so cold its only like 20 and posed to get down to 10 and have snow...I am freezing now even..I am like wrapped up in a blanket..well I am sure James saw you planting that tree and smiling down at you..I think that was wonderful what you did..always nice hearing from you..take care Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 3, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 CindySue,I believe that money can't buy you happiness. James always gave to those that were less fortunate as well. He would feed the hungry, cloth the needy and if someone was without a place to stay, our home was always open. It is amazing how much alike James and Roger were. James wasn't materialistic. I was when I was younger, but I went through A LOT of hard times about 6 years ago and got through it with little or nothing at all. That made me appreciate things in life and realize that I HAD to work to earn things. My family is not rich, but they are also not poor. We grew up VERY comfortable. We had a lot, compared to what others had. My father worked very hard to make our lives easier though. James was like that. If I really wanted something, we would work to get it. We had just started our own business in August of this year and things were getting much easier. Then Hurricane Wilma came and knocked us off of our feet. We weren't that bad off, but we were both off of work and had no power for 3 weeks. This was not easy, as we went through some of our savings. Of course we still had and had others that lost their homes that came to stay with us. We supported them as well. But now he is gone and so are the people that he helped out. There is only 1 person that still calls to make sure that I am alright. He was like a brother to James and lived with us for 4 months before James died. Well, I am sure that James and Roger see the true sisters they have. They also see how much we love them and know that we would do anything to have them back here with us. I guess that I had this insight over the weekend. I will never get over loosing James, but I didn't think that life was important anymore. Now I realize that James would not want for me to feel like this and that he would want for me to keep on doing what I have been doing. I am glad to be back at work. It is not easy, but it helps to keep my mind occupied.I pray for you and your children during this holiday season. I know that it won't be easy for any of us.Thank you for being here CindySue. I know that God brought me here to meet and talk to you. You have helped me to get through the first few weeks of learning to be alone. I know that we can be here for each other as the time goes on.Hugs and blessings to you,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 4, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Trish, James sounds like a wonderful guy so so much like my Roger ..Roger always grew up with alot of money and he wanted a job that would make alot and luckly he got one but he did work very hard to get it ..and had it for 18 years..before he passed your right money does not bring you happiness ..even though we had money always we had love which was much more important..I can't believe how much James was like Roger so giving you know Trish thiers a special place in heaven for James and Roger the good Lord won't forget what they have done for the people in needy..he sounds like such a wonderful human being why can't more people be like Roger and James..and why did they have to die like they did..they deserved to live to be 100..but God has a plan for us all and you my friend will carry on what you and have done for the people that needed you I am so sorry you was in that bad hurricane...I felt so bad for the people that lost so much I wish I could have gave somethin but with me I do get widows benefits from social security for me and Byron which I am very lucky its enough where I don't have to work and can pay my bills but its not as much as what I was used too but I would give up all the money I had to have Roger back again...life is'nt fair sometimes...I am not happy people tell me wow you get alot from Rogers death you are lucky..I go Lucky are you all crazy I am not lucky if I was lucky he would be still here..it was very hurtful to me...I would still love Roger even if we had nothing and lived in a shack...why does some people think money is everything well It is'nt I mush rather have that person here...I grieve everyday and I rely on meds..to get me through each day..Trish to be honest I don't even wanna go on anymore then I look at Byron and think I have to for him he's a baby...plus I love my girls also and they need a mom ...wow one person out of all the people you have helped when they needed it..I feel so bad for you that people can't remember what you and James have done to help them...bless your heart..you are a special person to take other people into your home in time of need..that really got to me what special people you and James are..I am so sorry you lost him he did'nt deserve what he got but you know what maybe James and Roger are talkin up thier and wanted us to meet on here and be friends..I believe in angels and I think they are both angels lookin down on us keepin us safe..I pray for you too Trish and I hope you have a good Christmas I know it will be hard but I will be here for you and you never need to thank me...cause you have helped me too realize thiers other people that have a heart of gold also..take care my friend...Love and Hugs,Cindysue and Baby Byron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 5, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 CindySue,James family was large. His father worked VERY hard to support everyone. There were 6 kids plus other relatives that were going through hard times that the family had living with them. That is how James got his generosity side. His parents were always there to give to others. They lived comfortably too. We never had to want for things, which was nice, compared to those who have nothing and no one. I was talking to my sister-in-law, James brothers wife, on my way home today. She and I only met 1 time, but talked a lot and she told me today that she realized why James and I were together and that we had this good relationship. She said that we were both strong and had this incredible need to help others, but also to take care of each other. She is right. I still have this incredible need to help others. I start my Bereavement class on Saturday. I am very nervous to go. It is free of charge, which is nice, but even if I had to pay, I would go. I know that times are going to be hard, but I have always made ends meet and am thankful for my family teaching me when I was young.I know that the holidays will be hard. BUT, I am going to be going home to meet our new niece. Her name is Jordan and she will be 10 months old on 12/15/05. James used to get so excited when every we would get new pictures of her. We had planned on going to go to meet her. So, I figure that I will go and take his spirit with me, this way we can both meet her together. I know that this is what he would want for me to do.I had wanted a dog, and James and I had been looking at the Humane Society for one. There are so many animals out there that need a good home. Well, James had bought me a stuffed dog for Valentines Day and said that whenever he wasn't home with me and I needed him, I should keep this dog near me. I do, I know I am 39 years old, sleeping with this stuffed dog. But I think back about what he said and it makes me feel better. Silly??? I need to be near him and if this helps, I don't care what others think... I hope that your holidays won't be too hard CindySue. I know that you are hangin in there for your children's sake. Just keep in mind that both James and I am sure Roger, would want us to be strong for them. They love us and are still around us. They want for us to be happy and not grieving as we are. I try to tell myself this every day. I helps me when I am crying. It also helps me to leave the house to go to work every day. By the way, working is helping, some what. I don't cry all day long and I think about James and how hard we worked together and how he wants me to continue to do the good deeds that we started. Does that make sense??? Have you thought about going to a Bereavement class???? I have heard that it really does help. I know that you are on meds and so am I. But I try not to take them, unless I really can't sleep. I worked very hard, years ago, to overcome an addiction that I had. I hadn't taken any kind of medication until James had died, for 4 years. Now I feel like I am regressing, some what, but know that James doesn't want me to be a zombie, like I used to be. I realize that we all need to take meds from time to time, to help us make it through. I am not condeming ANYONE for this. I am hoping that after going to the Bereavement class, I will be able to get off of what the doctor has prescribed... Wish me luck. Well, I have rambled on long enough. I am so glad to have met you CindySue. I just wish that it was under other circumstances. But God has given us this pain to try to heal. It will be a long time before I can feel whole again. I realize that now. I am trying to just live my life one day at a time. I also try to do something in James memory every day. It helps me to feel closer to him. Today I copied pictures of him and am sending them to his son, Franky, as he had called me yesterday and asked me to do it.Take care and God Bless you, Byron and your girls.Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 6, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 6, 2005 Trish, he came from a big family explains why he is so genourus. He had good parents that raised him well..Roger's parents were the same way always helpful and church going thoughtful people I don't know anyone that did'nt love them now thier was only 3 kids in that familt but they did spoil thier kids I will admit..Roger and the 2 others pretty much got anything they wanted and they did all through childhood and even as adults but it did'nt change the way Roger was only he did'nt wanna take from his parents he wasnted to make his own money and do the same for his kids which I will admit he has done but both my girls are not stuckup and don't think they should have everything they both work hard and have good jobs...but Roger's sister is different oh her and her husband have very good jobs bu they think they are better then anyone..well she does anyway her husband is very nice to me ...and sadly her kids are the same way good jobs big fancy houses and stuckup snobs..boy are they missing out on the real world and good friends...I feel like thwy look down on me cause they never cared for me..and thats fine they don't have to like me but my kids deserve love and exceptance..but I know that will never happen..Rogers mom and dad both worked so so hard to make sure thier kids had everything which made it worse for Karen but its wierd Roger turned out so loving and good and he wanted to make sure he made his own money..I try Trish not to rely on pills but I hurt too much he was my life I was with him most of my life and its hard to go on but when I look at Byron ..I see Roger ..they both loook so much alike and act alike makes me so happy..I know our holidays will be tough but we all can get through this with praying and doing what we know our husbands would want us to do..you are doing what James would want you to do..keep it up girl your keepin his memory alive which is great ..let me know how them classes turn out I am curious if it helps any...I am gonna lay down now befor baby Byron gets up he keeps me running all day..but he is being a regular little 2 year old..talk to you soon again Trish..bless you for being here and helping me through this also...Love and Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 6, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 6, 2005 CindySue,I understand about the pills and how they help to ease the pain. That is why I take the ones I am on too. I just don't want to become dependent on them. I used to use drugs so that I wouldn't feel, I had grown up with these horrible secrets and I had to make myself get through them in order to make myself not need those meds I was on. I had been clean of all meds for nearly 4 years when James died and the day he died, I called my MD and asked to be put on something again. His death was too much for me to handle and I missed him so much that I believed that the drugs were the only way to get through the night. It just wasn't enough. I felt so lost and sooooooo alone. I still feel very lost and alone. I am having to take care of things that he used to handle for me. Like making sure my car is running ok. My parents are leaving tomorrow morning. That is going to be hard for me. I broke down at work today and at the bank. I went in to cash my check and just lost it for no reason at all. Seems like I am an emotional mess now a days. I thank God that I found this site and can come here to talk and vent and get ideas of what I can do to make myself feel better.Roger and James are still here with us. I know that they are in spirit, but I can't wait to be with James again. He is the love of my life. I talked to a friend of mine today. He told me that his sister is still grieving over her husband and it has been 5 years. I feel hopeless and when I think that far out, I hav these horrible panic attacks. Do you get those too??? I can't imagine having to live to be old without James. I know that might sound harsh, but I just can't. I guess that I am just having a VERY BAD DAY??? I know that I needed James when he was here. I love him and still need him, even though he is here in Spirit now. I talk to him and write to him and talk to him some more. Well, thank you for listening. I know that you will understand. How is Byron feeling these days??? I pray for him often. I know that God is and Roger are watching over him and that they love him so much...Take care,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 7, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 7, 2005 Trish, I know what you mean about handling things yourself it is'nt easy I had to learn to do that and its the hardest thing to do cause your so used to your love doing that...everytime something go;s wrong I panic and I go darn I wish Roger was here I don't know what to do..I know what you mean about being independant or pills I think I am starting to be I even need sleeping pills to help me sleep but alot cause Roger is'nt with me and I am not used to sleepin alone but after 16 monthes its getting a little better...thier will be times will you will break down for no reason but thats ok you need to let it out everything will remind you of him even a certain song..will make you cry..just hang in thier girl it slowly eases..sometimes it just takes time..my probelm is everything baby Byron does he reminds me of Roger the way he smiles the way he looks and the way he hugs me even he looks so much like his daddy..its a great reminder that I hold dear everyday..its wierd before Roger died he bought Byron a car and the lego truck and thats all Byron will play with them 2 toys are is fav..and he would'nt remember his daddy bought them but he sleeps with them and just loves them..Roger bought them toys 2 weeks before he died..and he loves them...Trish I been thinkin about you all day did your parents leave? are you ok? I hope your doing ok I know you will be alone now so its more time to think just remember I may be many miles away but I will be here for you...right now I wish we had your weather we are expected 6 inches of snow and its only 5 degrees out...burrrr so cold well I am gonna make sure Byron is warm enough have a great night...Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 7, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 7, 2005 Hi CindySue,Yes, my parents left and I am all alone. But I have had soooo many phone calls and 2 of James friends stopped over to make sure that I am ok. I love and miss James so very much. Someone told me that James can't see electricity, but he can see candle light, so I am sitting here by candlelight and praying that he is sitting here with me. Maybe that is why all of the phone calls and people stopping over??? He knows how hard it is for me to be alone. He ALWAYS was very protective of me and made sure that I was ok. He loves me and I will always have that in my heart... One of James friends stopped by tonight and wants to help me to keep the business going. He is going to start to get some jobs lined up. He is going on the first bid tomorrow. I am very excited. I promised James that I would ALWAYS honor his memory. I believe that this is a wonderful way to keep his memory alive. He worked so hard to get the business up and running and just when it was, he died. I know that God took him for a reason, and that some day it will all be revealed, but for now, I am doing everything that I can to honor his life both here and in spirit. I will bet that some how Byron knows that Roger bought those toys for him. I truly believe that children can sense things that we as adults can not. I bet that it is hard to look at him some times. I know that at times it is hard for me to look at Franky, one of James sons. He looks and acts soooooooooooooooo much like James. James loved all of his kids, but Franky and James had this special bond. Maybe because they had spent so much time together... I know that James loved all of his children with all of his heart. He would do anything for them, if it were within his power... It wasn't always that way, in his power that is...Well, thank you for checking up on me. I cried A LOT tonight and felt so sad to be here without James. But I know that he wants me to be strong and to take care of myself, so that is exactly what I am TRYING to do. It is not always easy though, I am sure that you know what I mean???Take care and hugs to you CindySue,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 8, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2005 Trish,I did'nt know that the dead can't see electricity its wierd cause I hear some people say they go through electricty like going through your computer to talk to you or callin on the phone and no one will be thier or the tv will turn channels for no reason..but everyone says somethin different ...but the candlelight I did'nt know bout that one thats really interesting but makes since in a way...I think its wonderful your gonna keep the business going he would want you too and would be so proud of you I can just amagine him beaming down at you right now... I think your right James is havin these people call you and stop over cause he knew you would be so lonely for him...he will always protect you believe that. I know my Roger does with me I can feel him around me all the time and like I said I see him in my Byron alot my girls have alot of his features also thats whats so wierd cause all my kids do..but baby Byron looks like a second little Roger..makes me so happy I think if I did'nt have him I would be calling my girls every single min buggin them to come over..they come over my oldest comes like 3 times a week with her 5 kids and my youngest daughter lives 5 hours away and I don't see her or her 2 kids as much and I miss her..but she is gonna try to come down for Xmas..I know what you mean about cryin alot the first year I cried all the time every single min it seems I know it was everyday now I still cry but its gettin a little easier but I still don't feel happy anymore he was so much part of my life..no one realizes how short life is and to appreciate the ones you love as much as you can cause you never know..but I am praying for you to have straighth for the holidays even though it won't be the happiest...well our storm is here and now we are expected 8 inches of snow..gosh I hate this..well have a good night Trish..and try to get to sleep if you can...Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 8, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 8, 2005 CindySue,Seems like all I can do tonight is to cry. I tell you, tonight is VERY hard. I keep on thinking that I should have been able to save James. Why wasn't I able to know that he was dying while I was sleeping just a few feet from him??? I know that it is because God wanted to take him and not have me interfer... But like yesterday his sister was telling me that she saw a man come in, who was dead (she works at a hospital) and they were able to save him. He had a drug overdose, same as James. I just wish that James was here with me right now. I miss him so very much. It is the being alone that is doing me in. I feel like life just has to stop because he is not with me. I feel like I don't want to go on without him. Although I am too afraid of suicide, Thank God, I don't want to make God nor James angry at me. I can understand why people want to die after loosing a loved one. I never could before, but now that I have lost the man I Love with all of my heart, I can... Strange how things work out and the way they do.I am 1500 miles away from my family. Although I will be with them over the holidays. My brother is allowing me to keep my niece overnight one night, so that I can get to know her and spend some time with her. I am anxious for that. James loved her too and this way he will be with me to meet her, even if it is in spirit only.Wanna hear something strange??? When I took James home to bury him, I felt like he was still here and I was by myself. I know that sounds strange, but it felt like when I came home, he was here. I could literally smell him when I came into our home. I felt like he didn't come up there with me. I know that our spirits can travel, or at least I believe they can. I just didn't feel like James was with me. Until I went to his grave by myself. It was the day before I left to come home. I got up early and went to WalMart to make copies of some photos. After I left the store I got really sad and started to cry. The cemetary that James is buried in is HUGE and I had been there 2 times, but the first time I was not driving and the second time I got lost both coming and going with his sister. Her husband is buried right next to James. Any way, I was crying and could barely see the road, but something made me drive to the cemetary and as I was pulling in I called James name and said where are you baby??? A force pulled me directly to his grave. No wrong turns, or anything like that. This is strange, as the day before I couldn't make it there or back to the road. I know that it was James giving me directions. It felt really good.Well, I am glad that you will be able to be with your kids for the holidays. It is so important to us to be with people that love us.Take care and hugs to you,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 9, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 9, 2005 Trish, Don't beat yourself over that..I guess thats the way things are planned ..for you to go to sleep while the good Lord took him..just like it was meant for me to see Roger die in front of me..and thier was nothing I could do to save him when he was shaking and I kept asking him whats wrong he looked at me with tears in his eyes and tried to say somethin and then he slowly closed his eyes..and made a moan and he was dead that quick..I screammed for help but CPR did'nt hep shocking the heart did not help.. nothing..I lost it when I knew he was dead..I saw him turn blue while they wa sworkin on him and I knew my love was gone all I could do was scream please don't leave me and baby Byron was cryin screamming dada..thats one thing I will never forget..and I can't sometimes I wonder why..did he die right in front of me..I was pretty hysterical that day..we were laughin one min him tellin me he loved me and then he said to Byron your always gonna be daddy little boy then 10 min later he was gone..I beat myself for a long time thinkin why did'nt I know he was not feelin right he was sayin bye to me that is why he told me he loved me 10 min before he died..Its not an easy scene to get out of my mind to watch your love die right in front of you is so hard..no one knows why it happens but when James died you was not supposed to see it..you were meant to be asleep while he passed...I am just so sorry you had to find him dead the way you did though..that had to been so hard and I know you feel guilty but listen Trish its not your fault..it was just his time..he is always with you my friend always I am glad you visit his grave he wants you to thats why you found it so easy..I don't think your crazy at all I heard of people smelling thier loved ones its true cause he visits you all the time keep your chin up I will be here for you....just talkin to you makes me feel so much better when I am depressed cause we have so much in common...so you write to me anytime you want..take care my friend..Love and Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 9, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 9, 2005 CindySue,Here I sit crying again. I read your story on Roger and how he died in front of you. I too went nuts when they told me that "he didn't make it" that was before I knew that he had already been dead when I found him. I believed that he was still alive and that if they got there faster, he would still be here with me. I am so sorry that you ahd to see Roger die like that, but as you said, it was meant to be that way. I know that you would have done anything for Roger to still be here, the same as I would have done ANYTHING for James to still be sitting here with me. I miss him so very much and I have these horrible panic attacks and I cry all night long. Then I don't sleep and now I feel so very run down and exhausted. I knew that this was going to happen when my parents left, but I also knew that I would have to get on with my life and not make them stay with me, when I knew that they wanted to be home with my niece and 2 brothers. You are right, we do have a lot in common. I believe that Roger and James know this and that is how I came to this site. I started a picture journal of James and my life. I started with the pictures that we took together and the ones that his son's mom gave to me at his funeral. Now I am going to ask family and friends to send me copies of some of theirs and put those into the books as well... I feel like I NEED more pictures of James. I have this obsession with it... I am sure that is just a part of my healing process. Healing, yeah right, as if... Any way, it just feels like I need them, so I am asking others for them. So far I have received some from his son, Frank's mom. I am going to ask some of his family for some. His siter was here over the summer and I KNOW that she had taken some of us while we were down at the beach. I want copies of those for the album. James had given me a picture frame this past Valentines Day. It is white with hearts and Love across the bottom of it. Inside of the frame he put a picture of us. I still leave that on my desk at work, just so that I can have him close to me throughout the day. I know he is with me in spirit, but I NEED these pictures.I go to my Bereavement class in the morning. I am anxious and nervous about it. I hope that I can learn something and not just sit and cry through it.Well CindySue, I am really exhausted and want to get a little sleep, if I can.Take care and God Bless you, Byron and the girls.Love and Hugs,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 10, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 10, 2005 Trish, I know it does;nt get any easier its taken me a very long time to getting the image of Rogers face out of my mind when he looked at me while he was dieing I seen the fear and the scared look on nis face and all I could say was please don't leave me then he cried and tryed ti talk and nothing he made a moan and was gone..they worked on him fo 15 min and then they called the time of death they left him in the boat and had him covered with a sheet..I looked at him one last time got in the boat they took the sheet away and I looked at him and said Roger I love you please come back..but the took me a way then he was already gone at the time, I get panic attacks all the time I am tryin to control them better least for Byron;s sake..don't feel bad cryin and wanting pic thats the way I am also I want as much as I can of Rogers..I am wearing all his shirts I wear then as niteshirts cause they are so big on me..but I don''t wanna get rid of any of his things..Trish you need to get lots of rest and I hope your eatin right take care of yourself and sleep well..Love and Hugs,Cindy and baby byron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 11, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2005 CindySue,When the paramedics got here, of course the police did too. The police took me outside and wouldn't allow me to come back into our home. I wanted to, but they wouldn't allow it. James was in our bathroom, so they drug his body out into out into our family room, there is a short hall between the bathroom and the kitchen/family room area, but any way, they wouldn't allow me back into the house. I was screaming and crying out in our front yard, and kept on begging them to "please save him" I kept on tellin them that I loved him. The officers kept on asking me if there was someone that they could call for me? No, just please save him... They then told me, I am sorry, he didn't make it. Those are the words that took me over the edge. I kept on telling the police that I needed to see James before they took him. They wouldn't allow that until the van came to take his body. By then they had him all covered with this red body bag, except for his head. They told me that I wasn't allowed to touch him, I wanted to touch him, I love him, but I came in and told him that "I love you" and that I will ALWAYS honor your memory. Then I said a silent prayer to God and they made me leave and go back outside. This is when they covered him all up and brought the gurney out of my house. My friends didn't want me to watch as they brought him out of the house all covered up, but I had to. I think back and think that they treated him like an animal. Ripped him up off of the floor and dragging him like they did and then to put him into a bag and take him out of here like that. I know that it is all a part of their job, but it seems so sad and not at all human...I went to my first Bereavement class yesterday. They talked about Grief and about what I can expect from it. I learned a lot and am glad that I was able to go. They said that the first 1-3 years we walk around a mess, but that "hopefully" after that things will feel a bit easier. Sad, but I don't see how that can "ever" happen... I know that you can understand where I am coming from with this point.Any way, I go again next Saturday. I am glad that I went, as all of us in the group had lost and all of us were grieving and all of us need support.Take care CindySue and give Byron a hug from me!!Love & Hugs,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 11, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2005 Trish, Oh my gosh that is so sad you poor thing my heart go;s out to you so much, I agree with you that was very cruel that they would'nt let you see him to say goodbye that upsets me that they treated him like that he was not some dog..I am sorry but this really pisses me off that they would not let you see him..I am so sorry Trish I did'nt realize this.. my heart breaks for you so much...you know you said the same words I did when they worked on Roger please save him when they was workin on him in the boat...they worked on him for 15 min then came the paramedics knelt down and took my hand and I go please don't tell me he is gone he said with alot of emotion I am sorry all I could do was scream go back keep tryin and they said they could'nt its been too long...but after I calmed down a little one of the ladies that tried to save him in the first place she asked me if I wanted to see him and I said yes he was covered with a sheet and they warned me he was a mess he threw up on himself..they lifted the sheet when he was layin in the boat and he was all gray and blue and just looked like he was sleeping I screamed I love you and thats somethin I am glad to be able to do before they took his body away..but you not being able to say a proper goodbye just upsets me ..they should have let you do that. After Roger died so many policeman were thier asking me so many questions like where I want his body to go..and I was like in a fog..the ladies that came to my rescue in the other boat I learned that when they was giving him CPR and I was watching them they both were cryin and tryin so hard and I also learned that one was a nurse and the other a doctor and they were on vacation like we were so the dear Lord made sure I got the help right away and with the right people but why he did'nt make it was in God;s hands it was his time to go..the parmedics came back to tell me he died of a massive heart attack..thats why it killed him so quickly and suddenly with him being diebetic it probably went to his heart quicker..I feel so guilty cause I never seen the signs of any heart condition..it explains why baby Byron has a heart condition now... I can only pray I don't lose my baby that scares me the most losing him..I am always scared to go to his crib abd find out he is gone I know I would lose it for sure if I lost him too...I think bout you all the time Trish and worry about you cause I for one know how it feels to lose someome you love so much..I don't think I will ever stop greiving..the years I had with him I will never forget ..and I know no one will ever replace him..please let me know how your doing..Bless you for going through what you have and cry if you need too..I am here for you my friend.Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 12, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2005 Hi CindySue,Today is very hard, as it is the one month anniversary of James Death. Then I called my mom at lunch and found out that on of my friend's mothers had passed away today. She had cancer and died in her home. I feel so bad adn know that although the family knew she was ill and her health was failing, her dying is going to bring along a lot of other emotions. Then I get this call from a lady at social security. They need to know how to reach one of James children. This one I am not sure of, as she and James NEVER spoke. This is his youngest and he and she never got along. She wouldn't even acknowledge me at James funeral. It is her loss, not mine. I was never a jealous woman and James talked to the others, so I don't understand why she acted in this way towards me. I do know that (from his family) James didn't want any more children and had her go to an MD and be put on Birth control, but she decided that she wanted children and surprised him. Sad, as he is a very loving man and loved all of his children. His youngest he just never got to know that well, as his mother held it against him that they broke up... That is her issue, not anyone elses.Any way, I am very tired today and want to take a hot shower and go to bed. I just feel exhausted. I know it was very sad that they would't allow me time with James, until he was in the body bag. I just wanted to kiss his forehead and say good bye to him. By the time that I did get to see him, he looked almost purple and not himself. I miss him so very much and it hurts me to be here without him, even just for today.Thank you for being here for me CindySue, you are an angel in disguise.Love,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 12, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 12, 2005 Trish, you rest all you can every month is not gonna be easy it will be hard you think wow a month went by then another month then a year..the year mark hit me good I cried that whole day and the holidays is very very hard to deal with..sounds like this lady was a selfish lady and was jealous of you yeah the child would recieve social secuity my son and me does from Rogers death they went by how long he has worked and how much money he made.. I am lucky that we get enough where I don't have to work we each get a check for 1400.00 a piece per month..Roger worked as a owner operater truckdriver and had that job for 18 years ..before that he was a foreman in a factory he worked since we were married..I am glad that I can be able to stay home with Byron he needs me cause he does get sick alot and I worry so much about him..Roger I guess in a way he made sure I was taken care of before he passed away..it was meant for us to have another child..so I would never be lonely..just wish Roger could see him grow up..like he did our girls but I guess it was'nt meant to be. I hope your gettin enough sleep Trish I don't want you gettin sick you are such a dear person and has been a very good friend to me on here..you have been through more then anyone should go through..the scene of seeing James will never leave you it will always be thier but know I am here to help you through this cause I know exactly what your going through rest up and get as much sleep as you can...Love and Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 14, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 14, 2005 CindySue,I apologize for not getting back here sooner. I have been trying to have some sort of life. I forgot to pay some of our bills, James used to take care of this, and had to run around last night so that I could still have utilites and phones... Then I had to go to shop for Christmas, just what I really don't feel like doing. Although I did find a REALLY cute outfit for Jordan (our little 10 month old niece) and got James mom and one of his sisters gifts too. I already had gotten his father and my father and brothers gifts. I only have a few more to go. I really don't feel like doing any of it though. I force myself to go through the motions and then feel like some sort of creature in a place that I don't belong. Do you ever feel this way???Then I have these people telling me that I should do this or that. NO, I shouldn't.. I should be able to relax and get a hold of all that I have been through. I wish that this was just a bad nightmare and I would wake up... I am sure that you feel like that too... I got this call from James doctors office today. They wanted a copy of his death certificate. I asked what for and they said to fill out the insurance paperwork. I don't get that, but I had it faxed. It is the copy without the cause of death on it. I don't want this doctor to do anything to hide the fact that HE prescribed James the deadly pill combo or to tear up his file... I don't see what having to fill out a form for insurance has to do with James death certificate??? I got upset about that, but had to let it go. I hate to get upset or mad and carry it around, I used to do that a lot.You are very blessed to get the social security from Roger. James and I were not officially married, even though we lived together and shared EVERYTHING, that doesn't count for legal purposes... Any way, You are blessed to have Byron and to be able to stay home with him. Although when he goes to school will you look for something to do with yourself??? Maybe volunteer some place???? I used to volunteer at the Humane Society. I love animals and that was one way that I could help them... It is really rewarding to help sick or hurt animals... Any way, I have been rambling on and on... Thank you for thinking of my health. I know that you can understand, as you have been going through this for much longer than I have... I hope you are well... I pray for you and Byron.Thank you for being here and for helping me. I am glad to help you any time I can...Take care and God Bless,Love,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 15, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 15, 2005 Trish, I am sorry things are so rough for you..I worry about the people I care for ..your right I am very lucky..the first of the yearI will be gettin an increase in social security for Byron and me cost of living..I have people tellin me I am lucky to get that kind of money but I don't feel it Trish I feel down and depressed more and more everyday..life is not fair sometimes to take the ones we love..but it happens my b-day is the day after x-mas and me and Roger alwas went out but I won't go no where don't feel like celebrating anymore...after 16 monthes I am still in a fog with my feelins of losing him I was with him most of my life..and thats hard to forget. It does seem strange that the doctors office wants a copy of his death certicate..that does'nt sound right to me for some reason..I am not sure what I will do with my time once Byron go;s to school I have arthrtis really bad so sometimes I am in alot of pain..and I am on pain pills for that...I keep dreamming of Roger everyday always good ones too wierd I dream of him since he died..I hope your eating ok I know sometimes you don't feel like it but you have to try...you are an angel and I am so very happy I meant you on here you are special...and James knew that...I know your in like a trance and foggy at times and that is normal you probably will feel that way for a very long time...cause I know I still do...take care trish I will always be here for you..Love,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hurleyta Posted December 16, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 16, 2005 CindySue,I am wish that I could help you more than I can. I know that people say we are lucky for this or that, such as, you are lucky to have had him for the time you did. I HATE THIS SAYING!!! It is usually the people that still have their mates... How would they know??? I might sound harsh, but I am mad that others get so much time and people like us loved ours and lost them too soon. I know that it would never be a good time in our lives to loose someone that we love as much as we loved Roger and James, but you know what I also know that "luck" had nothing to do with it!!!Can you tell that I am mad today??? Things are just in such a fog right now. I can't sleep at night. I wish that I could dream about James. It feels like he just vanished and now is completely gone from my life. I used to be able to feel him around me, but now I feel like he is no longer there. one of my friends told me that she used to feel a strong presence around me too, but no longer does... I just miss James so much and it just hurts, as you already know....I know that this might not help you. But, it does help me to go to work. It helps cause it takes me out of our home, where James died, and I am busy here, so that helps my mind, if only for a little bit of time. At home all I do is sit, cry and be depressed..... I am sure that you can relate...Any way, I went to dinner with a friend last night. I didn't want to come home. I no longer like our home and I used to love it. I don't feel like cleaning, doing laundry, etc... I force myself to do it, as I need to take care of these things... Oh well, life goes on. I try not to stress out too much by the little things.I have a friend, or at least it was someone that I believed was my friend. She was there for me and with me when I found James. Well, she came when the police called her to tell her that I needed someone with me. Any way, last week Saturday another one of my friends came over to spend the night. I hate the nights. My friend and I decided to go get some soup at a little deli up the road from my house. We called my friend (Dar) and asked her to come along. She did and treated me so meanly. She basically ignored me through the whole meal. I haven't talked to her since. That is hurtful. She was there for me when things first happened, but now she is gone. I don't understand her. Her grandfather died right after James, about 10 days later. Any way, she got strange after that. I feel really bad that she won't return my phone calls, but what can i do??? Guess that I need to just let it go... I feel that life is too short and I don't deserve to be treated like this...Well, I hope you are having a better day, today. I know that you are still hurting so badly and I am too. It has helped me, a little, to be back here at work and to go to the Bereavement classes that I am attending. I don't know why or how, but it does. I am worried about you CindySue. I know that you are very depressed and that worries me. I know that you are a very kind and compassionate person. I also know that you have gone through a very traumatic time in your life. I have too and will continue to go through it. Have you thought about seeing a doctor for depression? or have you been seeing one??? Maybe a Bereavement class??? I know that everyone grieves differently and like you said you and Roger were together most of your life. I wish that I could help you more... I hate to feel sad and hate the people that I care about to be sad/depressed. When I was younger I had attempted Suicide on many occassions. I was really messed up for a while. I just know how it feels to feel depressed and know how I handle my depression. I thank God that I am not suicidal.. I don't know what I would do if I were. If you should ever want to talk please e-mail me at my regular e-mail address:hurleyta@sbcglobal.net and I will e-mail you my phone number.Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself.Love,Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindysue Posted December 16, 2005 Members Report Share Posted December 16, 2005 Trish, Thankyou for your kindness to me I was on depression pills but I got off them cause I was gettin so I could'nt take care of Byron..maybe I need to get back on them I need to see a doctor I don't think my health is very good I can barely walk cause my leg hurts so bad and I am really anemic and keep havin Iron infusions I know I need to get better for Byron he is all I got as a parent left..I need to get better..but I dream every single day of him and I barely sleep anymore I am lucky if I manage 3 hours a night and I am even takin a sleepin pill but can't seem to sleep very long. Wow, I wonder why you can't feel James anymore commin around you know he is thier but sometimes maybe its hard for him to come through..and that friend of yours thats ignoring you is very strange Trish you don't need friends treating you like that..she was thier for you when James died? and now she's not seems very strange..but you don't need that maybe she will make the move towards you soon..I hate to see you hurt...I can relate to you when you say you sit at home and cry and are depressed..specially being by yourself you have more time to think about your James and I know you probably have alot of flashbacks to that night...cause I know I do and thats why I can't sleep I see it over and over how he died and how he looked at me and tried to speak to me then he was gone..You are right Trish I hate people sayin we are lucky what do they mean lucky??? we are not lucky if we were we would have James and Roger with us..some people do not realize how lucky they are..when I see a couple fighting at a store I think what are you fighting about you have each other..and I even get mad at them..even seeing people eat at a resturant I think how lucky they are to have someone to eat with and to look into thier eyes and say I love you..we will never get that chance again..I am sorry I guess I am so depressed these holidays make me sick now.. Trish believe me you have helped me on here alot...your so understanding and really kind..and know what I am going through and the lonliness I feel cause your feelin it too..be good to yourself tonight and take it easy I am always here for you and I wanted to also give you my email add it is cindy_loveu2002@yahoo.com..if you want you can always keep that and write me through thier or here I may send you some pics of me and baby Byron so you know who you been talk too... your such a dear friend..Love and Hugs,Cindysue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Guest Posted February 22, 2006 Guests Report Share Posted February 22, 2006 Dear,I am still under the shock of losing my husband in a mysterious train accident. We don't know whether he fell from the train or a train hit him while crossing the track. The whole thing took place late during night and no one was there to help him. Don't know how long he was lying there suffering from the pain. And I was sleeping soundly without knowing what happened. How could I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DeeAnn Posted February 25, 2006 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2006 Dear Guest, ***hugs*** I'm so sorry to hear of the tragedy with your husband. Death is difficult enough when we have all the answers about when, where, why, and how, but to not know those things is something I can't imagine. I hope in time you will find the answers you need to explain those things that are mysteries now. As much as you can, try to just get through one day at a time during these early days. It's so easy to become overwhelmed. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. And please let us know how you are doing. This is a safe place for you to share your feelings, fears, and just to vent when you need that. Take care...DeeAnn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mysticjaf Posted March 10, 2006 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 my husband died in this horrible war.he was killed in afghanistan,it took 9 days to get his body home. those were my 9 days in hell.he was a special ops soldier ,so i don't know a lot about the blackhawk crash that killed him and 3 others.it doesn't matter how he died ,just "that "he died.of course the army won't let us widows hear the black box.i couldn't sleep as usual ,so ive been reading about all of you and your suffering.i saw the crashed helicopter and heard about it on cnn 5 hrs.before the army notified me.they didn't release names ,so i didn't know he was on the blackhawk that went down.i miss him so much.this sight is a big help. i am so sorry for your losses .pray for peace and never stop.love and prayers to all of you,julie(mysticjaf)i am still haunted by those pictures of the crash site on cnn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DeeAnn Posted March 11, 2006 Members Report Share Posted March 11, 2006 Dear Julie, I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your husband. I can only imagine the questions you have that need and deserve answers. I hope that in time, you will get those answers and be able to find some level of peace about what has happened. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing. DeeAnn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Guest Posted April 2, 2006 Guests Report Share Posted April 2, 2006 sudden death is a true shock. for anyone who has experienced a loss of a partner my heart goes out to you. i recently lost my fiance; i returned to our home to discover he had commited suicide. i have never felt so morbidly desperate to want to end my life to be with him. and had never been so besotted with someone and suddenly, a member of an ambulance crew tells me he died and had hung himself. you just have to carry on with the things that fufill you and make you happy. i guess after a sudden death we really do realise just how precious life is. never give up X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members joy2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2006 I am sorry to hear of your loss. What a tragedy. Did you know your fiance was sick? In November 2005 my ex husband, father of our 3 children lost his life. He slowly killed himself with alcohol and prescriptions. We had known most of our lives that Daddy wasn't well. His life here on earth was painful. His life here was all too soon over for us. It is taking every bit of strenghth we as a family has to let him go. We all miss him so much. Now I have such a task to teach our children how to be healthy in every aspect of our lives. Next week we are going to Florida for spring break. I am really looking forward to getting away. I think it is important for us to take care of ourselves. Never giving up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members yankeeswife Posted May 10, 2006 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2006 I too am one of those who lost my husband to a sudden death. He died Nov.30,2005. We had both gone to work that Wednesday and for being at a new job , my day was going very well. Then the phone rang about 10:30. I just took off to the hospital but somehow I knew he was gone. It was proably because the hospital would not give me any information on the phone. I will NEVER forget being put in "that little room " they reserve for family who have not heard the news yet, but I think most people know then at that point. It was awful.They let me in to see him and he felt so cold but looked like he was sleeping.He had been at work and had a sudden massive heart attack. One of the workers said he did not have any pain, it was so quick. My world ended that day and it hasn't gotten any better yet. I love him so much. I think if I could have only had time to say good bye-if he had been ill or SOMETHING. I was hurt at God for the longest time and still have my moments. Many christians have told me not to worry that God is big enough to take it-my anger. I am now back in church and trying to find some type of acceptance. One of my biggest concerns is Frank was not a christian. Every day I had prayed for a miracle in his life concerning his faith. And I had prayed everyday for God to take me first.I know God has other plans and I am trying to accept them or find out what they are. For someone who was not a christian , Frank had it in him by his everyday life. He was always bringing home someone to eat or even stay with us that was down on their luck. He would tear up at even the thoughts of someone going hungry. He was so generous and NEVER expected anything back. At his services even his friends said this just is not right, any of us but him.He took care of us all.For only 9 years , this man taught me a lot about lifeand how to treat our fellow beings.Just wondering if any of you believe there are levels of punishment for someone like this? Its driving me crazy .I asked some people who go to church and get different answers.By the way ,Frank was only 50 and in good health-active-hard physical work , scuba , ect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johngee Posted May 19, 2006 Members Report Share Posted May 19, 2006 This is one of those "me too" things I wish I was not part of. Lore (pronounced the same as Lori), my 39 year old wife of almost 20 years was lost suddenly, also. When I left for work, I gave her a kiss good bye, but it seemed there was something different about the way she kissed me. I had a thought that I should ask her if everything was okay, but was afraid she would ask me to stay home from work. So I didn't say anything and just left.About 11:30, on my way to lunch, a friend was telling me about being part of the wedding party for another one of his friends. He explained that his friend had lost his wife to a divorce and was getting remarried after being single for eight years. I thought for a few moments and then told my friend that I didn't think I could get remarried if I were to loose Lore. Not 2 minutes later I got a call from one of Lore’s friends telling me I needed to come home right away. I was told that something happened to my wife. I could not let it go at that. I pressed and pressed and I will never forget the next turn of events. She handed the phone to one of the paramedics who said, “Sir, your wife has passed away. You need to come home right away”. I turned to my friend and said, “My wife just died!” I had no idea exactly what that meant, my stomach knotted up, and I went into emotional shock. I could not believe this. I thought, “Surely there has been a mistake. I’m supposed to go first. This was not in the plans”. I just did not want to believe it.Upon arriving home, the police and the paramedics were walking about everywhere in our home. Our oldest son, our pastor, and a number of close friends were all there, as well. The police would not let me see my wife. They told me that I would have to wait for the coroner’s okay. In retrospect, this makes me mad. The coroner did not arrive for over three hours! By the time I was able to see my wife, her body was cold and had started to stiffen up. Her lips were blue, as were her fingernails. Needless to say, I could not remain composed and don’t feel as if I have completely regained my composure. I’m not sure if I ever will.The coroner’s office still has not determined the cause of her death. I call them every week, sometimes more than once. It’s been 11 weeks. I’m starting to question their competence. Lore has forgiven me for not asking if everything was okay, but I’m not sure I have forgiven myself. I wonder how it would have gone that day, if I had stayed home from work. I realize, I’ll never know. Maybe one day I’ll stop wondering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members anthonysheaven Posted May 20, 2006 Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2006 Hello I also lost my husband very suddenly. He left for work on April 13, 2006 and never made it the police showed up at my door telling he was dead. The cause was an enlarged heart causing a heart attack. He was my world we done everything together and I am so lost without him. He was only 38 years old never smole drank and was in excellent health. It is just unbelievable. I am in so much pain that I do not know which way to turn. I have a 12 year old chold that I try to stay strong for but it is rough. Every time I leave the house I feel like I have to go to the grave yard to check on him. I am also a diabetic so this is making me ill but I don't worry about me. I just don't understand I finally find the perfect man and this happens. Life is rough I just don't know what to expect one day to the next. His birthday was Thursday so it is really hard right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members anthonysheaven Posted May 20, 2006 Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2006 Hello I also lost my husband very suddenly. He left for work on April 13, 2006 and never made it the police showed up at my door telling he was dead. The cause was an enlarged heart causing a heart attack. He was my world we done everything together and I am so lost without him. He was only 38 years old never smole drank and was in excellent health. It is just unbelievable. I am in so much pain that I do not know which way to turn. I have a 12 year old chold that I try to stay strong for but it is rough. Every time I leave the house I feel like I have to go to the grave yard to check on him. I am also a diabetic so this is making me ill but I don't worry about me. I just don't understand I finally find the perfect man and this happens. Life is rough I just don't know what to expect one day to the next. His birthday was Thursday so it is really hard right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johngee Posted May 21, 2006 Members Report Share Posted May 21, 2006 Hello Shanon,I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved husband. I know your pain and recognize the feelings you describe. I wish for myself and for you that I had words to make it better, but I don't think that is possible. We go on, one day at a time, doing the best we can to survive and honor our loved one's memory. One day, I'm sure, we will begin to feel as if we are doing more than just existing. I hope and pray for that day. I will hope and pray for you, as well.Please take good care of yourself, in the mean time. That is the only way that you will be able to care for your son.With sympathy, hope for the future and prayers,John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members anthonysheaven Posted May 21, 2006 Members Report Share Posted May 21, 2006 Thank you Johngee for your response. This is and I am sure you will agree the hardest thing I have ever had tp gp through and I have been through a lot. Life just isn't the same without him. I had been married before my first husband was a wife beater my second got my best frirnd pregnant than I find the PERFECT one and this happens it just makes no sense to me. I am the one with the health problems I knew I would go first but he always told me no he would because he could not live without me well it is hell without him I don't even know which direction to turn. Thanks for your reply it does help. Shanon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Guest Posted May 24, 2006 Guests Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 Hi all this is my first time using this service, I lost my boyfriend through murder a year a month and 2days ago, I don’t no how vie even come this far, my boyfriend was called Jonathan we had been together for 2years on the 20 April 2005 he left my houses usual at ten 2 1 in the morning I kissed him goodbye and that was the last time I seen him alive, the next I knew I was getting a phone call to tell me that Johnny had been shot and died there and then, at first I laughed it of as my fella was so quiet why would any 1 want to shoot him, so I rang him mobile it rang and rang and rang, the news came on and it was true I was in turmoil, how could any 1 take my beautiful boyfriends life he was only 25 we had are whole life’s ahead of us, what happen was Jonathan was parking his car and these evil people waiting on him getting out and ran up stuck the sawed of shotgun up in his back and killed him+left him there to die in the street while they sat in the car laughing as his parent rushed out, and all this was done to get back at some 1 else. why do they always take the innocent that don’t do any think, I just cant get it into my head that has never coming back again, we had to wait 5days for his body to be released and when he came home that wasn’t my Jonathan he was all swelled out+my Johnny would have been so thin, I don’t think ill ever except that he gone, people keep saying your 22 you’ve your whole life ahead of you so easy for them to say when they haven’t experienced it, Jonathan was my air although at night I do feel him close or on day when im at my lowest I no he there, but I long to talk to him, I just no he cant be happy how could he, he’s all alone up there he had every thing going for him, I don’t think he will ever be at peace maybe that’s why I cant settle, I feel like going out+hurting these people who killed my Johnny as much as they have hurt me, as none of them have gone down for it, we have got enough evidence to support the case which makes it even harder so what do I do ive all this anger, guilt for not being there, and hurting all going on inside of me, yet ive to let on to my family that im ok as there not grieving they didn’t lose any thing, I feel like im all alone all I have is Johnny’s family least there I can talk about him, god bless you all xoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tigerishurting Posted May 28, 2006 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2006 HI I lost a husband to sudden death and it is 12 months ago and it is not the easiest thing to get over, I still have nightmares about the day he died, the husband and I had been together for 91/2 years and only married for 4 of those years. I, like you talked to him in the morning and he was died in one of us saying things were not great and he needed to be home with the family and I had to go tell two teenages that their step-dad had died that day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members corrine Posted June 9, 2006 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 I lost my fiancee last February 6,2006. He was brutally shot and killed by a cop due to traffic altercation. He was shot once on his hand, twice on his back and once on his head. He just went out to call his friends to play basketball. I really cant believe that there's a person as Bad as that Cop, it was just because of the traffic. The Cop was riding a Motorcycle and Brian, my fiancee was riding a bike. He was already on the floor begging and telling the Cop not to shoot him, but he still did and not just once but 4 times, he really wanted to kill him. Our daughter was just 3 months old when her dad died, It's so painful. I couldn't forget how he looked like when he was in the morgue with blood all over, I took care of him, I pampered him, I even put mosquito repellant on his body so he wouldn't get bites, I used to cut his fingernails and toenails...its hurts me that the person I treated so well was killed and treated like a chicken. The trial is on going right now, sometimes I feel that I dont have the strength to go there anymore, during the first hearing. The sister of that Bad Cop looked at me, looked at us (Brian's family) and laughed. I can't believe that they still have the guts to laugh, when that Cop killed Brian, he also killed me...our daughter Samantha and all our dreams as a family. I love him unconditionally. Brian and Sam(our daughter) are the most important people in my life. They are my only strength. I miss him badly. I still talk to him everyday and I still feel his presence all the time, people tells me that I shud let go for Brian to really Rest in Peace but my heart still longs for him, I want to hug him and kiss him and never let go. I want to tell him a lot of things, he always answers all my questions in my dreams. I know he's still watching over me and Sam. He's our angel now. I just dont know what to do without him.-- Corrinecorrine_faytaren@yahoo.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members corrine Posted June 9, 2006 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 I lost my fiancee last February 6,2006. He was brutally shot and killed by a cop due to traffic altercation. He was shot once on his hand, twice on his back and once on his head. He just went out to call his friends to play basketball. I really cant believe that there's a person as Bad as that Cop, it was just because of the traffic. The Cop was riding a Motorcycle and Brian, my fiancee was riding a bike. He was already on the floor begging and telling the Cop not to shoot him, but he still did and not just once but 4 times, he really wanted to kill him. Our daughter was just 3 months old when her dad died, It's so painful. I couldn't forget how he looked like when he was in the morgue with blood all over, I took care of him, I pampered him, I even put mosquito repellant on his body so he wouldn't get bites, I used to cut his fingernails and toenails...its hurts me that the person I treated so well was killed and treated like a chicken. The trial is on going right now, sometimes I feel that I dont have the strength to go there anymore, during the first hearing. The sister of that Bad Cop looked at me, looked at us (Brian's family) and laughed. I can't believe that they still have the guts to laugh, when that Cop killed Brian, he also killed me...our daughter Samantha and all our dreams as a family. I love him unconditionally. Brian and Sam(our daughter) are the most important people in my life. They are my only strength. I miss him badly. I still talk to him everyday and I still feel his presence all the time, people tells me that I shud let go for Brian to really Rest in Peace but my heart still longs for him, I want to hug him and kiss him and never let go. I want to tell him a lot of things, he always answers all my questions in my dreams. I know he's still watching over me and Sam. He's our angel now. I just dont know what to do without him.-- Corrinecorrine_faytaren@yahoo.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peter1 Posted July 12, 2006 Members Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief. With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack. I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up. Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle). Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack. GreetingsAndrew Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Guest Posted September 18, 2006 Guests Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 Hi MY NAME IS SARAH IM 20 YR OLD I WAS IN A SERIOUS TRAFFIC ACCIDENT ON 27TH MAY. AND MY FIANCEE OF 4 YRS WAS FOUND DEAD AT THE SCENE I WAS TAKEN TO HOSPITAL WITH A BROKEN FEMUR/TIBIA/FIBIA IM FINDING IT SO HARD TO DEAL WITH WE HAVE A 10 MONTH OLD BABY WHO WAS 7 MONTHS AT THE TIME OF THE CRASH I CANT UNDERSTAND HOW HE DIED AND I SUSTAINDED WHAT INJURYS I DID I MISS HIM SO MUCH HE WAS MY LIFE A GOOD MAN HARD WORKER WHO LOVE ME AND OUR SON SOOO MUCH THE DRIVER OF THE VEICLE WAS SPEEDING ME AND MY PARTNER WERE PASSENGERS SHE WALKED AWAY WITH CUTS THATS ALL OF COURSE IM NOT TALKING TO HER I HATE HER THAT SHE HAS TAKEN MY LIFE AWAY BY HER DRIVING WE NEVER WENT OUT UNTIL THIS NIGHT JUST THAT ONE NIGHT OF OUT OF 7 MONTHS OF MY SONS LIFE AND MY HOLE LIFE CHANGES IM NOT HANDLEING THIS VERY WELL AS ITS STILL VERY FRESH IN MY MIND IF THERE IS ANYONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HOW IM FEELING RIGHT NOW PLEASE REPLY I NEED 2 NO IF THIS PAIN WILL EVERY GET EASIER SARAH XXXXXXXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members starchild Posted September 18, 2006 Members Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 Sarah, Baby I'm so sorry for your loss. But glad to hear that you and your son survived and will be alright. Thank God. Everyone here on the message boards identifies with the pain you speak of. We have all lost someone we love. My husband died back in January of this year. He had a heart attack on his way to work and the bus driver found him at the end of the route. We just got married last July after 5 years and its still hard to accept that he's gone. We all understand that agony that shakes you to the core of your being. There is alot that you will go through before you reach any measure of peace. Please be patient with yourself. The grieving process is no joke. The anger, denial, sadness, emptiness, the reality. This journey is a long, hard one and believe me when I tell you that there are no short cuts. Right now your wound is fresh and your feelings are raw. You'll heal in time but there will always be a scar. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or how long it should take you to get over his loss. You're not the same person anymore and you have to get your bearings and your balance. Just know that we are here anytime if you need to vent, cry, or just to reach out, because we get it. Please be good to yourself, if only for today. You have someone depending on you. Have a blessed one. ((((hugs)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members alwaysmyjennifer Posted September 18, 2006 Members Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 Sarah, to say what my heart feels is difficult, as my 21 year old Jennifer died after being raped. When I read of these painful deaths, my heart aches for you who must go through the pain and trauma. I am so very deeply sorry you have lost your precious little son. For the present moment, cherish everything of his. If people tell you to clear your home of his things, do not. Just hold onto everything. You'll be glad you did. In time, they'll be like a shrine to your heart. You'll also feel pains like no other, deep as your soul. We all must face these to get through grieving. Sarah, when you face these, we're here for you. Write whenever you want, whatever you want, however much you want. We're here because we all are experiencing loss and sorrow, and because we all care. Take gentle care of yourself, and take a little time for you, just to relax and let you feel good about yourself. You will need this. It's important while you grieve. It will boost your self esteem and your soul's strength for the grieving process. We are here for you if you need to talk. We're also thinking of you and praying for you. Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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