My Mother

[ChristinaR]

I sit here and think about my mom. I miss her so much. She left unexpectedly, and according to my therapist I have Toxic guilt.  You see, I was with my mom when she started feeling off. I was staying with her because she was not feeling well. I was staying with her to take care of her. Obviously since she is gone I failed hugely. No one blames me but I blame my self. I blame my self because I know my mom. She wasn’t feeling well and her heart was beating rapidly. I asked my mom if she wanted to go to the ER. She said no. I was relieved, I mean seriously. See mom had been to the hospital multiple times already because she had a bladder infection. You see my mom was a cancer survivor. She had to have a stint placed because one of her kidney’s were not functioning properly  due to scarred tissue from the chemo and radiation. about once a year my mom would get a severe bladder infection and they would replace the stint and put her on antibiotics, Now about that toxic guilt. I know without a shadow of a doubt of I pushed my mom to she would have went. Instead I was relieved she didn’t want to go. I mean what kind of daughter does that. Anyway mom slipped on the couch that night because she was comfortable. I told her she still felt bad in the morning she was going to the ER, she said ok. Next morning I got up checked on her and she was still feeling a rapid heartbeat. I told let’s go to the ER. She said ok let me go to the bathroom and then get dressed. She went to stand up and fell back on the couch like she was having a seizure, funny sounds and I wasn’t sure if she was not sure if she was  breathing. I called 911 and the ambulance e showed up. My mom was awake and I guess all the numbers they took were ok. I say this because they let my mom with their help go to the restroom. This was after I made the statement to her don’t worry about that mom that is what these guys can deal with. My thought wS get her to the EF ASAP. I believe they did not want to have to clean up a mess. They took her out. I locked the house up after makeing sure the dogs had food and water. When I hopped into the ambulance something wX already occurring with my mom. I prayed as the ambulance moved. At one point I could have sworn I heard my mom say my name. I looked back and one of the EMTS were straddling her doing chest compressions. When we got to the hospital this guy stayed straddled on her doing chest compressions. They worked on her for I want to almost 2 hours, but I could be wrong. It felt like such a long time. The hospital pastor walked in the door and new. I believe I knew in the ambulance but didn’t fVe it. The pastor took me to the room they were working on my. They were still working on her, but I was informed her lungs were filling up with fluid and they couldn’t keep going. I am the youngest, my mom was my best friend. My older sister was just turning into the parking so I made them wait. I wanted my mom to be alive until my sister got in the room. My sister arrived in the room and everything stopped. She was gone. If I had made a different decision my mom would still be here. But instead I was relieved she didn’t want to go to the ER. 

[Kevin8988]

I felt quilty when my sister died.  I felt guilty when my dad died.  I felt guilty when my mom died.  There always seemed to be something that I could have done better.  Even now, I wish I had treated them better, bought them nicer gifts, said nicer words to them, not arguing with them when they were alive...etc

[Traz]

One of the things I've learned in my grief journey so far, is that guilt will rear it's ugly head every now and then. 

ChristinaR, it's normal to feel relieved about not wanting to go to the ER - especially if you have been back & forth to the hospital with your parent. Caregiving is exhausting. Hospitals are exhausting.

What matters are our intentions and you didn't deliberately withold medical care for your mom. You loved her and did your best for her. There were times during my Dad's cancer that I wanted him to go. Then I was wracked with horrible guilt for even thinking it. It was the suffering that I wanted to end. I would give anything to have him back. I loved (and still love) my parents with all my heart. 

Be kind to yourself. Xo