How to build my life again without my only parent?

[Lucklucks711]

This is just a backstory so you know how I feel bare with me as I can't fit every detail in here but my now husband and I moved in with my mom April 17th of 2021 and that day I'll never forget my brother had been found dead of an overdose and that changed my mom in a way that she never fully recovered from. Fast forward a few months and we moved into a bigger place which was a fixer upper together and she was excited about having the whole top floor of the house with a view of the bay from her windows in her room. Things out of either of our control happened and charges were filed on my brother's ex girlfriend by my husband which were more than normal to expect, except for my mom she had been concersating with her and the girl somehow twisted my mother into feeling sorry for her and of course a grieving mother felt I guess in some way it was her responsibility to make sure she was ok and wouldn't face charges, that's not ok in my book I feel like the girl took advantage of not just my mom but my husband and myself. Even had my mom at one point threaten to move out if we didn't drop charges on her. That wasn't just it my mom gave up on life I think she was so miserable in life she stopped using her legsersize machine to help the blood flow in her legs, started to over eat and was diagnosed with diabetes which she never once checked her own blood sugar nor took insulin for, she worked at home and never went out unless necessary with the covid outbreak, well one night I guess she was so upset with us for feeling like my brothers ex girlfriend deserved to be punished for her crime, my mother decided to go out with my sister to the bar to watch her sing karaoke and stopped by Walmart for coffee before she went to the bar, a week went by and she got sick just a head cold she thought.... Then she had my sin drive her to the urgent care clinic and was diagnosed with of course COVID it slowly declined her health because she wasn't a very active person to begin with, she was overweight and had a slew of other health issues as well so finding medication she could take was hard. She could taste food but the taste was over powering and couldn't really eat much, and slowly got to where she couldn't drink anything either, well after it got to where she couldn't handle it anymore I took her to the ER she was admitted and sent up to the 5th floor of the hospital, I was thankful that they could give her the medicine she needed to get better and she was improving slowly after 2 weeks of being there they had come into the room and had the intention of releasing her into a rehabilitation center to help with her breathing and to monitor her, then a few days went by they didn't have an opening at the facility she was waiting for she sat there in the hospital and she was still improving from what I could tell but then she had a bad night and had an uncontrollable bloody nose all night and they couldn't figure out what was wrong they ran tests and decoded to move her to another floor more suitable to her needs and then I got the text from my sister at work that evening and I'll never forget it she said they were probably going to ventalize our mom, I tried to work through my shift but couldn't function and had my then fiance come to get me and take me up to the hospital so I could visit with her just in case they were to ventalize her that evening.... I got there and walked through the maze of the hospital and when I got to the room she was sleeping but had the oxygen mask over her face I brushed her bandmgs back and she woke up, but was barely awake she kept drifting in and out but was able to hold a conversation with me she told me she loved me and my fiance very much and that they were probably going to ventalize her that she was scared to death of it.... My heart hurts right now just writing this.... So I stayed as late as possible and just held her hand while she slept not knowing that was theist time I'd hear her voice or tell her that I loved her. The visiting hours were ending and I had to leave, I went home exhausted and passed out only to get the call at 3 am saying they had ventalized her. I rushed to the hospital to be there even at that hour in the morning my sister was there and all we could do was sit there and listen to the machines beep and the bag fill with air to push into her lungs, the nurses were optimistic at first but days went on and she slowly declined, we sat in shifts with her and prayed so hard for her to make it only to get the call she was not going to make it through the day 6 days after being ventalized, I came as soon as u got the call from my sister and waited as the beeping got worse and louder and my anxiety was at the highest I've ever felt, we sat there with her up until she took her last breath after they removed the vent at our request because she hated that machine and she would have wanted to go peacefully. My whole world changed that day and I was made a different person, I can't go a day without crying 😢 how do I make sense of my life when so much of it was based around her and what she needed or wanted? I don't know how to get through this It took me over 3 mo ths just to be able to take down all her pictures and giraffe figurines to give to the granddaughters and even then I was still surrounded by everything reminding me of her the whole upper part of our house was a reminder of her and I couldn't even go up the stairs without this heaviness and pain in my heart. My mother and I had our differences and I wasn't always the best person or daughter or mother myself but I loved my mom and only wanted to make her proud and to see her happy. Now I feel like I'll never be able to show her I can do this on my own and make her proud of the woman I have become. We have even moved from the house we lived in and it still affects me on a daily basis. I feel like I'm on a very deep depression I don't want to take care of myself physically or hygenically I sleep alot, I feel alone even when. I'm with my husband. I feel like every decision I make is wrong in a way and life keeps throwing us these curveballs and hardships just to keep us down.... I already feel down about myself as is and have no idea where I can go, who I can talk to, or what will ever make it better. I want to believe there is some higher power that took her to be with my brother but also know in my heart of hearts he wasn't a very good person and hope he made it to heaven so mom could be there with him. For the life of me I don't understand why she was the way she was about him he was always her favorite and her only boy and never did any wrong although many times he proved to not be the prodigal son, I was always overshadowed and not important to her but in her own way I guess she loved me too just wasn't very good at showing it, or telling it to me anyway, she did confide in my husband that she was so proud of me and she loved me very much she just had to show me tough love so I wouldn't go back to my old ways, but I didn't hear it or feel it from her myself is that selfish of me to feel like that? I just want to know for 100% certainty she is resting easy and confident that I will be ok... I miss her more than anything on this earth and hurt so deeply I just don't know where to turn please give some advice I'm open to anything that will possibly help me grasp understanding 🙏  please pray for me