Losing Hope

[T.Mance]

I loss my mother when I was 21 years old January 17th and my birthday is march 14th. My mom was suffering through and infection and weak immune system due to being a cancer survivor, Being HIV positive and a weight loss surgery she was advised to not have. My mom got sick during COVID and couldn’t walk I was working my job and nursing her 24/7 I couldn’t sleep she would constantly want ice or needed to be cleaned. I was selfish during that time and I regret it constantly getting angry with her to go to the doctor, she finally did by force sadly. Her 3rd time going into the hospital she had multiple blood transfusions and I talked to her the night she passed I finally got a week off of work so I could visit her in the hospital I got her favorite juice to bring that morning. That morning I got the call she passed I couldn’t get in contact with my grandma at the time and I immediately went to the hospital and was allowed to be in the room with my dead mother lifeless by myself for over an hour til my grandma came. After that ordeal I had to leave the place me and my mom we’re living and stayed with my grandma which was a toxic environment I left to get my first place on my own with my girlfriend everything was going ok until my girlfriend got sick with COVID and her job laid her off. I was forced to work over 90 hours every two weeks to pay rent and food eventually it caught up with me and we got the eviction notice on thanksgiving. I went to work the next day and had a breakdown and suicidal thoughts of just ending it I called a crisis line and got put into a mental ward for 3 weeks. During my time there it was horrible I was put on an anti depressant and never left my room. Finally I was released and we had to move my girlfriend moved back with her mom and I stayed on the floor of my best friend place with my dog. Sadly I had to abandon my dog one day because he wasn’t allowed to have pets. Eventually I got money from my moms estate to move out and try again with my girlfriend we found a place. I blew through my moms money subconsciously because I didn’t want it I wanted my mom back I don’t know what more I can do I want to die most days still, I miss her, I have no siblings or family I’m close to anymore. I don’t see hope anywhere and it’s affecting my girlfriend eventually she’ll leave and then I’ll truly be alone and when that happens who knows all I can truly say is that it’s all my fault why my mom died I stressed her too much she gave the world more worth than I can amount to in a lifetime she had me at 19 and was able to get her masters degree and support a child by herself for 21 years and me I dropped out of college and she said she was proud of me. Proud of what I can’t tell you all I see in myself is a failure who’s better off dead I should’ve died instead of her I think all the time. Now I’m just living to live I don’t do drugs but I have started smoking cigars so I guess that’s an addiction I refuse to go down the drug addicted way of dying I rather just sleep and never wake up most days.

[reader]

Dear T Mance,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss and to hear about everything you have had to deal with. It's a lot for anyone to go through.

Please know you are not alone. There are good and caring and kind people out there. I want you to have support and encouragement. I hope you'll consider grief counselling or joining a support group. I want to suggest these sites that also helped me. We are here with you. 

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

Grief Recovery Method

Thinking of you. x 

[Kevin8988]

Dear @T.Mance,

I can see from your post, you are struggling with quite a few issues, but we are here to support,  not criticize.  Your mom would want you to continue your life in a positive and productive way.  You are only 21 years old, you can start your new life now.  Get some education or training, part time job, financial aid, rent a room, live a frugal life for now, but take everything slow while you are grieving. Remember everything your mom did for you, now you can do it yourself in memory of her.

[T.Mance]

I’m 23 but I’ll try