Its been 8months and I still feel very bad

[Feelbad123]

Its been 8 months since my grandma past away. My grandma died at the age of 97 I want to tell our story first. I love her very much because she is the only one who is willing to help us in every problem. She's always waking me up 5 am in the morning just to ask me if I already want to eat and to have some coffee. But november last year I saw something different about her behavior she always see something that we dont see also she forget her way home (our house and her house is just a few steps away) until one day she woke up crying and so scared which make us to decide that we should get her to the hospital there's no major issue to her health doctors said maybe she just had a bad dream that's why but we still want to make her safety that's why she stay on the hospital for a month and I am the one who take care and stay to her side for a month on the hospital. I dont go home I sleep on the floor besides her bed but she still offering me to share her bed I also eat some street food outside the hospital. After a few days she is getting better and better but there are time that she is so different like she is not my grandma she is talking to air seeing something that I dont see then one day she just get mad at me like she's accusing me on something that I didnt do I try to explain everything to her but she didnt listen we argue I didnt know why I also get mad at her but maybe because I didnt get enough sleep and proper eat also some of my family looks doesn't care. they always making me feel that atleast they provide financial and I just looking for her. Because im mad I told to my grandma that i will call my mom and I stop taking care of her, then I leave the room. I was standing outside the door and looking at her because I feel so bad for what I did. My mom also get to the hospital and I go home. After that day my mom videocall me saying that my grandma is looking for me but I didnt swallow my pride I didnt talk to her and gave the phone to my sister then one day my grandma suddenly get a heart attack she get unconscious but I came to the hospital saying that im sorry and please get better she is not talking and I see that she is trying to open her eyes like she is forcing her body to open her eye a little time but she just cant she is too weak. I look at her and started crying and i go home again. After that day I just woke up they told me my grandma die. Its been 8 months that she die but I still feel bad for what I have done I still cry everytime looking at her picture She gave me the best and unconditional love since I was young and I feel bad because we were fighting the last time that we talked I love you very much my grandma And I will never forget you it is useless to say sorry now Thank you for the love. I share this because I don't know what to do to overcome this grief. 

[Summersun]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know it is normal to also be mad sometimes at those we love, especially with lack of sleep. We never know when they go, please do not blame yourself. Because if we all did swallow our pride, it would also be unhealthy. There are surveys about people in Asia who are in jobs where you have to smile all the time and it leads to severe depression. So sometimes being in an argument is necessary and we can never know if it is is the last day!

if we tried to live like that we would be in constant fear and that is not good for anybody. Your Grandma probably is very aware of your love where a she is now. You supported her with with all your strength and please be proud of yourself for that. It could take a while though, to feel this and not only know it.

I'm still dealing with a similar problem I was in a fight with my mum the last time we spoke. So all that regret is also normal and it just means that we are human! Not all species have that sense of time. If given a choice, would you not always choose to have memories?

And it is mirroring the love between family members that we lost. Obviously the pain reflects upon the importance they had in our lives.

So as much as it hurts, even our regrets can be seen as a tribute to them and what they meant to us and always will.

Come back here often if you wish, we are here to listen. 

Much love!

[reader]

Dear Feelbad123,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss and the hurt and pain you feel. It's hard losing beloved family members. It's clear you loved her very much and did the best you could for her. I know how much we all want to be perfect but none of us can know the future. 

Please know you are not alone. The same thing happened with my dad and grandma before they passed. I visited my dad in the hospital before work. I was so impatient and irritated and had no clue it would be my last time with him. The doctor called me 2 hours later that he had died. It's been almost 6 years and I still wish I had known something and called my sisters. I feel ashamed he died without his family.

My grandma was 92 years old and was at a nursing home. I use to visit her almost every week. After my dad died, I felt so resentful about going when no one else in the family went. I stopped going too. Then a week before she died, I finally went with my sister. I was still angry about my dad's passing and didn't show her the same warmth I normally do. She asked me to come back to see her again soon. It was the last time. Never had any proper words and she was gone.

I know it's not easy. But I would like to think your grandma would not want you to suffer. Try to live your best life in her honor. 

Thinking of you.