Dad, you don't have my back any more

[V-teach]

Hi all.

I am new to this. I guess I need to know that I am not alone in this and that it is not necessarily non-normal. I have always felt a little apart from my sister and brother - and even my mother, but we mostly got along. Dad was the glue that held us together. I really liked my Dad. We had fun together. I could play golf with him, hang out with a beer with him and he really liked my husband. Nope, I was not a little girly girl and liked working with wood and plants and stuff like that, but liked to dress up. I am an all around girl! Dad, while old fashioned, accepted that. He would joke with my husband about it all the time. My Dad treated my husband as more than a son-in-law. He was a friend. They truly enjoyed each others company. My sister - younger by 5 years - married 15 years ago. He husband is an antisocial type person. (trying to be nice here). She sort of works from home. My brother - older by 2 years - took to driving a truck about 5 - 7 years ago. In March he lost his job and said he would come home, live with the folks, stay on unemployment until around August and then go look for work again. He just happened to be home when Dad was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma. Dad was 80. The Dr.s said without chemo and rad he would only have about 6 months - with it he could even get better than 2 years. He got on the chemo and rad. I was working - did I mention that of my siblings I am the only one with an actual job? I could have quit the summer season of teaching, but Dad didn't want me to do that, so I continued working. We thought we would have more time. On 8/29/11 he died after a week in the hospital. Throughout this past summer, I would call to go over to my folks house to be told by my father and my sister and brother not to drive "all the way over there" (1 hour) as Dad was doing fine. I missed some major time because I acceded to Dad's wishes. I wish I had realized earlier that I was being slowly pushed away. I was told repeatedly that I was not needed and that when I was they would call. Yes, I realized something was not right as Dad used to want my husband and I there as often as possible, but I figured Dad was not really up for it. So I did what I thought - and was told he wanted. I still do not know for real if he said it or that is what I was told. So, here we are, first holiday after is gone. My son, the oldest of the grandkids, is in the military and might be home for Thanksgiving. I said in September that I wanted to have the dinner at my house so that if my son could make it, he wouldn't have to do extra driving. This was set up in September. All of a sudden, no one is coming. First my sister tells me if her in-laws can't come to my house, she isn't coming. Then my brother, who originally said he was coming tells me 2 days ago he is going to my sister's house. Today I find he is making Thanksgiving dinner at my mother's house. Now my mother is not coming either. To top it off, my mom was coming over about every other Friday and leaving Monday thus spending the weekend with us. 2 days ago, my brother informs me it is too much for her! She "just wants to be home". I do not understand this as just this past weekend my mom said she really likes coming over and spending time with us and would I get her trike and bring it here so she could ride more often.... I know it's not me, how do I deal with this? Dad would NEVER allow this. He would have said that Thanksgiving was here - as a matter of fact, until he went into the hospital, he was still saying that. How am I supposed to cope with the loss of my Dad if the other part of my family is excluding me? I just bought this house in May and my sister has yet to come. They don't call either - unless they want my husband to fix their cars. I want to say that I am done with them all, but I don't know if it is the wrong thing to do. Can I say, "that's it! I'm done!"???? Without Dad at my back, I can't deal with them in a civilized way. They have hurt me too often, but before I did it for Dad. I don't think I can anymore. Am I a horrible person to want to just be done? Or am I finally "getting it" as my husband says. He is furious at their treatment of me - both as Dad was sick and since. PLEASE HELP ME!

[tmeredith]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Dad. He sounds like an amazing person. I am also sorry for how incredibly hurtful all of this must be. I know they are all grieving but it still must be very painful to have to deal with type of treatment. There does not seem to be much respect here. I do not understand all the indirect communication...hearing from your brother that your mom does not want spend weekends at your house, hearing from someone else that your brother and sister are spending Thanksgiving at her place. Could it be response to past jealousy over the close relationship you and your husband had with your Dad? Whatever it is you do not need it right now. You may want to have a calm open conversation with your mom letting her know how much you will miss her visits and how surprised you were to hear about her not being up to having them from someone else other than her and just see what she says. If she says she wants to come let her...she is a grown woman and can talk to your brother about it. I would also let her know who sad you are that plans have changed for Thanksgiving and that now no-one will be coming to your house...just that and nothing more. I would not have a big blow up with your brother and sister right now if possible. I did have one with my brother over something and regret it (we were both to blame). This maybe a Thanksgiving where everyone is not together as sad as that maybe. You have your family which is great and hopefully that will help. I am so sorry. It sounds like taking a break and not dealing with the family is preferable right now from what you said but if that is not the case you could try asking them to reconsider or seeing if there is a way your son could do some extra driving. This is tough :-( This will be my first Thanksgiving without my mom....and it will be tough so my thoughts are with you. You are definitely not alone in all of this. Let us know how it goes...We are are here for you.

[V-teach]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Dad. He sounds like an amazing person. I am also sorry for how incredibly hurtful all of this must be. I know they are all grieving but it still must be very painful to have to deal with type of treatment. There does not seem to be much respect here. I do not understand all the indirect communication...hearing from your brother that your mom does not want spend weekends at your house, hearing from someone else that your brother and sister are spending Thanksgiving at her place. Could it be response to past jealousy over the close relationship you and your husband had with your Dad? Whatever it is you do not need it right now. You may want to have a calm open conversation with your mom letting her know how much you will miss her visits and how surprised you were to hear about her not being up to having them from someone else other than her and just see what she says. If she says she wants to come let her...she is a grown woman and can talk to your brother about it. I would also let her know who sad you are that plans have changed for Thanksgiving and that now no-one will be coming to your house...just that and nothing more. I would not have a big blow up with your brother and sister right now if possible. I did have one with my brother over something and regret it (we were both to blame). This maybe a Thanksgiving where everyone is not together as sad as that maybe. You have your family which is great and hopefully that will help. I am so sorry. It sounds like taking a break and not dealing with the family is preferable right now from what you said but if that is not the case you could try asking them to reconsider or seeing if there is a way your son could do some extra driving. This is tough :-( This will be my first Thanksgiving without my mom....and it will be tough so my thoughts are with you. You are definitely not alone in all of this. Let us know how it goes...We are are here for you.

Thanks so much for your words. Mom is actually here now. She wanted to go see the play my students put on. Last year my Dad was here for it. He was so thrilled with my kids....... Anyway, she came for tonight's play but is leaving in the morning. Guess she really isn't comfortable here. I really need to let go of this anger.

[Guest DarkHeart]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Dad. He sounds like an amazing person. I am also sorry for how incredibly hurtful all of this must be. I know they are all grieving but it still must be very painful to have to deal with type of treatment. There does not seem to be much respect here. I do not understand all the indirect communication...hearing from your brother that your mom does not want spend weekends at your house, hearing from someone else that your brother and sister are spending Thanksgiving at her place. Could it be response to past jealousy over the close relationship you and your husband had with your Dad? Whatever it is you do not need it right now. You may want to have a calm open conversation with your mom letting her know how much you will miss her visits and how surprised you were to hear about her not being up to having them from someone else other than her and just see what she says. If she says she wants to come let her...she is a grown woman and can talk to your brother about it. I would also let her know who sad you are that plans have changed for Thanksgiving and that now no-one will be coming to your house...just that and nothing more. I would not have a big blow up with your brother and sister right now if possible. I did have one with my brother over something and regret it (we were both to blame). This maybe a Thanksgiving where everyone is not together as sad as that maybe. You have your family which is great and hopefully that will help. I am so sorry. It sounds like taking a break and not dealing with the family is preferable right now from what you said but if that is not the case you could try asking them to reconsider or seeing if there is a way your son could do some extra driving. This is tough :-( This will be my first Thanksgiving without my mom....and it will be tough so my thoughts are with you. You are definitely not alone in all of this. Let us know how it goes...We are are here for you.

Wow, I just read your post and terra's above; I feel for you both. It is difficult enough dealing with the death of a parent, a person does not need it compounded by malevolence, however misplaced, lest it become a breeding ground for further contempt. I hope that both your Thanksgivings turn out as pleasant as can be managed at this difficult time. My mom died last year on Black Friday and I'm still shell-shocked. What keeps me going? I see it as my mom's demented & wicked sense of humor to *check out*, as she used to call it, on that particular day. If there is consciousness of any kind after death, she's having a good laugh, and I'm right there with her, because death is pedestrian. I just wish I could see the funny side all the time. It will never stop hurting. You are not alone, never forget that.