I lost the love of my life today

[jwathas]

Hi everyone,

My name is Johanna, but most people just call me Jo.  Very sad and overwhelming circumstances have led to to this forum tonight.  Today, I VERY unexpectedly and suddenly lost my best friend and the love of my life, my husband, Matt.  Matt and I had been together for a total of 22 years.  We just celebrated our 22nd anniversary a little over a week ago.  I am 40 years old and Matt just turned 52 earlier this month.  Matt and I first met in an AOL chat room in June of 2000, the same week that I graduated from high school.  Despite our 11-year age difference, we immediately hit it off.  We lived in different states a little over 3 hours away from each other.  I am from central Maine and Matt lived in Boston, where he is originally from.  We did the long distance thing for a bit that summer.  The first time we met, we spent 4 or 5 days together in Acadia National Park.  He drove the 3+ hours from Boston to Maine to meet me and we just had the best time.  I remember crying when he had to go back to Boston because he had to get back to work.  I didn't want him to leave!  I was in love and I knew right then and there that he was "the one."  My parents were a bit concerned about our age difference at the time considering I was just a few months shy of 19 and Matt had just turned 30, but I didn't care.  I loved him.  Eventually, I started staying with him in Boston and I finally convinced him to move to Maine so we could be together full-time.  I didn't even have to twist his arm.  He dropped everything and moved to Maine.  We lived with my parents for about a year (they were just THRILLED, LOL).  

Sadly, over the last 6-8 years, Matt has suffered from many chronic health issues, including unrelenting type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, double bypass open-heart surgery in December of 2015, a heart attack in June of 2020, etc.  This year has been especially difficult as far as his health and he has spent much of 2022 in and out of the hospital, especially in these last 2-3 months due to the fact that he has been dealing with a very severe diabetic foot wound, which became infected and he ended up in the hospital several times.  He has hardly been able to walk these last 2-3 months and he has had a home health nurse come to our home to perform wound care 3 times per week and I did it on the days that the nurse didn't come.  I felt so helpless not being able to take his pain and frustration away.  I did everything I could to help him and make his life easier. Thankfully, he worked from home full-time (as do I), so he was able to continue working when he wasn't in the hospital.  However, over the last 2-3 days, Matt suddenly started experiencing severe shortness of breath just from walking up or down the stairs in our home.  I tried to get him to go to the ER, but he has been in the hospital so much as of late and he wanted to avoid going back at all costs, which I didn't blame him for one bit.  However, this morning, he literally could NOT breathe.  He asked me to call an ambulance, which I immediately did.  He passed away an hour or two later in the emergency room.  

I have been so numb with shock all day.  It's been difficult to even cry because I'm so numb.  I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that the love of my life is gone forever and is never coming home.  I keep picking up my phone to call or text him and then catching myself.  I keep expecting him to call or text me to tell me to come pick him up from the hospital.  His laundry that I did for him last night is still in the dryer.  I feel so lost and I don't even know how to begin navigating through life without him.  We were right in the middle of buying a new home, which we were supposed to close on August 8th.  Now, I have to do it all alone.  I have never been apart from him in 22 years.  I've been with him since I was just 18 years old and fresh out of high school.  I am terrified of being alone and living my life without him.  I'd give ANYTHING to have him back for even just one more day to tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me and that I will ALWAYS love him.  I just want to be able to give him one last hug.  I feel as though I've been robbed of my best friend, my support system, my rock, and my love.  He was MUCH too young to go and I'm MUCH too young to be a widow.  He should have been around for another 30+ years.  I just can't process this or make any sense of it.  He was just here with me this morning and now he's gone.  Last night, we ordered pizza and talked about plans for our new home.  Now, I walk by his office and see everything exactly where he left it and I break down.  I finally had to shut the door because it was too much.  I'm so thankful for my parents (who are spending the night with me) and the absolute best friend that Matt and I have ever had for the past 21 years, who immediately left work and came right over as soon as I told her.  Despite the great support system that I have (plus our 4 Golden Retrievers and 4 cats), none of them can bring my love back and I feel so, so, so alone and scared without him.  My anxiety is through the roof and I haven't been able to eat.  I guess he has been kind of my "security" these past 22 years.  I just always felt so safe and protected with him.  He would always reassure me that everything would be just fine and he would always support me in whatever I did.  Now, that is all gone and I am terrified and heartbroken.  I've been carrying around one of his favorite T-shirts all night that smells like him.  I never want to let it go.

I don't know how to go on without my love.  

[Brazil Man]

2 hours ago, jwathas said:

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that the love of my life is gone forever and is never coming home. 

I know how it hurts. I lost my wife about 4 years ago and I still suffer a lot. The only difference is that now I accepted and comprehend that she won´t get back anymore.in this life. Let time pass and things will improve.

[Roxeanne]

We all felt in that way Jo!

It's awful it's very very hard 

Good that your family and friends are with you! 

Take good care of yourself  and let your emotions out...

We all lost the love of our life ...we understand!

Hope we can help you and comfort you in these hard days!

A huge hug Roxi

[DWS]

I am so sorry for this tremendous and unfair loss that's happened to you. These are very early hours for you so being numb is expected and that's all that is required of you. It's so good to hear you have your parents and a good friend by your side right now. They are bewildered too but their love for you will help tell them what they need to do. Your brain is trying to process while thousands of your sweet memories fly at you. It's exhausting and dizzying...breathe, try to stay hydrated and try to stay within each hour. Nothing more is required of you right now.

Warmest hugs to you

Don

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your all-too-soon loss, my husband had just turned 51 five days before he died on Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  I was 52 and knew I'd likely have 40 more years without him.    I'm still here 17 years later, I don't know how one day turned into another, only that it does.

My husband's death was heart due to diabetes, he was following what doctors said.  We didn't allow sugar in our house, ate whole grains, etc.  I have since been diagnosed and coupled with what I learned when going through it with George, it was uncontrolled, my doctors didn't help.  Today I help manage two diabetic groups, one just getting off the ground and one has over 7,400 members worldwide...it was there I began learning the truth about it and use what I've learned to not only get my diabetes under control but to help others.  Diabetes and Grief and my puppy are my life now.  My heart goes out to you, so much, I wish no one ever had to go through what we have.  

I AM glad however that I met my George and had a few good years with him before losing him, without which I'd never have known true love, what a wonderful being and happy marriage we had.  I'm glad that you too shared that with your Matt.

I am so glad you found this place!  It helps to come here, read and post, know you are not alone in what you are going through, that there are others that "get it" and understand.  This feels anything but "normal" to us, but it is "normal in grief."  Our world has changed.

I hope you will continue to come here, it becomes like a family to us here, the people we interact with daily, those that get us.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Sparky1]

@jwathas I am so very sorry for your loss. Try to stay with your friend and family as you need them to give you that emotional support right now. I lost my wife almost 2 years ago and can remember the first few months of being in shock as my brain tried to make sense on what had happened. I was in a daze but slowly it faded a bit. I still can't make sense of why and I still grieve every day. We are here to talk and for support, so let your emotions out as some have been going through it for a long time, Kay's post will help quite a bit.

[jwathas]

Thank you, everyone.  Your kind words mean a lot.  It's my first morning without him and I'm just lost.  Completely and totally lost.  I've been physically sick all morning and hardly slept at all last night.  I'm so scared.

[KayC]

15 minutes ago, jwathas said:

I'm so scared.

We know.  My anxiety was at it's highest  In time we make our way through this.  I slept one hour that first night and only because my daughter was there with me did I get that much.  This is the hardest journey I've ever been on, but we're getting through this and will be here for you.  It takes us all.  (((hugs)))

[PebnyG]

So sorry for your loss.  We've been their. It doesn't  get better, but it dose get easier.  When I lost my partner, I  spent the next couple of days expecting him  to call, or walk in the door. Eventhough I knew better,  it's part of the acceptance process.   It's  been 7 months for me, and I have a bottle of his cologne I put on my pillowcase. It seems so dark right now, Rely an family and friends,  they will help you through this.❤

[DWS]

1 hour ago, jwathas said:

 I'm so scared.

Probably the best thing to know is that you're safe right now in this moment. No need to look at the days ahead...just that you're safe and hopefully in the best of care because you're very wounded. The first few days after my partner Tom passed away, I left the lights on at night while I tried to get some sleep. I didn't know why at the time but I just knew I didn't want the darkness. Grab comfort however you can.

[jwathas]

 

I also slept (what very little sleep I got) with the lights on last night.   My parents spent the night.  I am just so lost, broken, and scared.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, PebnyG said:

It doesn't  get better, but it dose get easier.

Well put!

@jwathas You might want to put an item of clothing or pillowcase in a ziploc bag so it preserves his scent.  I didn't know to do this and lost George's in about a month or so.

I'm glad your parents were with you.

[jwathas]

Quote

You might want to put an item of clothing or pillowcase in a ziploc bag so it preserves his scent.  I didn't know to do this and lost George's in about a month or so. 

I'm doing this.  In fact, I slept with one of his T-shirts last night.