4 deaths in less than 2 months….

[Lori A-O]

My husband of 23 years, 62 years old passed on 05/22/22 (cancer diagnosed almost 3 months prior) My brother-in-law 82, passed two weeks prior 05/07/22 (three different types of cancer over 20 years) my sister passed the day of my husbands funeral 06/04/22 (cancer 7 years) and another sister-in-law 83, passed on 06/18/22.(returned cancer from ten years ago) I am having a very hard time dealing with all of this. My poor hubby had excruciating pain up until I put him into a private hospice, there they were able to make him extremely comfortable. The three months after diagnosis, he spent most of his time at the U of M like 10 days in, two days out, etc, etc. I advocated by staying at the hospital at least 12 hour days and his brother took the 12 hour over nights, since he was not able to advocate much for himself. I am having a hard time since his passing with my new normal. Paperwork, household chores, preparing food, Mowing grass, paying bills, anything to do with household. As he was in the hospital the first couple of months, my stress level is so high that one night when I came home from the hospital advocating for him, my heart rate went to 225 bpm, So at that point I called an ambulance for myself and they took me to the hospital and while I was there they shut my heart down three times and Were able to restart it but that didn’t Slow the heart rate down at all. After using strong meds to convert my heart rate to slow down, they decided to send me off To a heart hospital in the Metro and they did a heart ablation. I was able to go home two days later at which time my husband was also brought home from the hospital and I was left to take care of him and myself until I had to have him go back to the hospital because he could not control his own pain. I am better now, but not totally good even yet. My grief is through the roof, I am wondering what I should do next to get a better handle on it.

[Gail 8588]

Lori A-O, 

Oh my, so much loss so quickly.  That is too much for anyone.

But the main loss of course is your husband.  Even when you know it is coming, it is a shock to your mind and body to lose your soulmate.  A part of you feels missing, your future has been destroyed. It is hard to even recognize the present as nothing really makes sense without him in the world. 

Try to be kind to yourself, accept help when it is offered, remember to eat. Drink a lot of water, grief is dehydrating! Try to get sleep. 

You may have trouble focusing and accomplishing things that you normally do.  There is often a brain fog with the loss of a spouse. It is almost like a brain injury that needs time to heal. Be patient with yourself. 

I am so sorry you have reason to join us on this grief journey that none of us chose to take, but welcome. 

Gail

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Lori A-O said:

I am wondering what I should do next to get a better handle on it.

Wow, you've been hit with so much at once, I can't imagine!  I am so sorry, I hope things slow down for you...take a deep breath, rest, let what you can, wait, you are #1 now.  I learned to be my own best friend, advocate, and to truly value myself as my husband is no longer here to.  I learned to be patient, understanding, kind to myself, talk to myself like a true friend would (in other words, don't expect too much from myself)...that's hard sometimes as OTHERS place so much expectation on us, but the challenge is getting them to back off and NOT accepting their "shoulds."  I hope you continue to come here...

 Multiple Losses

I am glad you found this site, it helps to read/post, helps to process our grief and to realize here are people who "get it" and understand.  We're all in this together.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.