I loss my Grandma and my life stopped.

[Grieving Granddaughter]

So I moved to a city two hours away from my grandma. We talk often but now thinking about it we could have talked more. Fast forward to my family went to surprise her for the weekend. We planned to stay at her apt, I was gonna cook 4 her & we were gonna have a BALL. But when we got there, she wasn’t there. I call my dad but he didn’t answer, but I knew she didn’t get out much at all so I decided to call the hospital and she was there. It broke my heart. That’s when I first found out my grandma had dementia. Due to circumstances I had to get POA of her. The SC building she lived in “recommended” she be placed in a facility as she could no longer live on her own. So I found the best place for her, although I wanted to bring her to the city I live in but she was adamant about not wanting to leave where she’s loved her entire life. Anywho, she had a fall at the facility she was staying in (they down played it BIG TIME). My “ex” stepmom (Mama Kat) was my eyes and ear because she lived in the same city and her and grandma had the best relationship. She would visit everyday or every other day and tell me what the nurses and aide's didn’t. Mama Kat would take grandma to all her doctors appointments and the very last appointment she called to let me know that the doctor said there was no blood flow in her foot so they wanted to amputate. Originally I said absolutely NOT. I knew my grandma didn’t want that but down the line she was back in the hospital because her foot was getting worse and now she gangrene. So to save her life, I agreed/signed off on the amputation. That was the worst decision I’ve ever made. From there my grandma’s health began to decline QUICKLY. They “recommended” she be placed on hospice. I was devastated. We all know that’s basically letting them die & I wasn’t ready. After speaking with hospice places & Mama Kat they assured me that what I was thinking didn’t mean she would instantly die. After awhile I agreed (because she wasn’t sickly, outside of diabetes & dementia she was healthy) and when I say my grandma was back to her old self she WAS…it was amazing and I finally felt like I was making all the right decisions. We celebrated her 79th birthday on December 27 and she was so happy. She was eating all her favorite foods went her two favorite ppl (Mama Kat & I), she was smiling and jus having an all around great time. But January 13 about 3am I received a call from the facility saying they didn’t think she was gonna make it through the night and we needed to get there ASAP. As I prepared myself and my husband to jump on the highway, I received another call from the facility saying they just remembered she was a full code (meaning do WHATEVER you have to do to save her) so they had to send her to the hospital. I was perfectly fine with that. I’m a wreck at this point but I’m burning that highway UP (my husband wanted to drive but her doesn’t drive as fast as I do and I literally drive for a living so I took the reigns there) we made it there a little less than an hour and a half. When I got there Mama Kat was there (of course I called her when I received the first call) waiting with grandma. Things were not good. She was on a breathing machine, tape on her eyes, & a heart monitor was connected to her. After speaking with the doctor I told him to just start comfort care and of course he did. After signing a few papers not even 45 mins her heart rate began to drop. It was fluctuating but it was still low…it went from 32 to 19 back to 23 to 17 to 12 to 19 to 8 to 13 to 6 to 0. And just like that at 6:25 on January 13, 2022 my grandma was GONE. I planned, paid, and made everything all the while feeling like I didn’t get the “proper time” to grieve. But I did what I had to do for my grandma. After it was all said and done it was time to go back to work and take care of my family. For the last five months I have these “I need to call and check on grandma” moments then it hits me…GRANDMA IS GONE and my heart breaks all over again. I find myself back on that hospital floor begging for her to come back. I even start to question all the decisions I’ve for her, wondering if I did this or didn’t do that would she still be here. Now all I do is go to work and come home. I used to be so outgoing and inviting now I don’t want to talk, deal nor do ANYTHING. I just sit here…thinking what happened or what can I do.

[reader]

Dear Granddaughter,

I am so sorry for your loss. Our deepest sympathies and condolences. It's clear you loved your grandma a lot and did the best you could for her. 

Please know we are with you.