(Lack of) support from other people while grieving

[Summersun]

Dear all,

I just saw in another forum here, about spousal loss, a thread about how weird people feel, when most of their environment expects them to heal fast after a tremendous loss, and needs them to go back to "functioning", not for their own sake, but more the other peoples.. (also Ted talks and links over there - if you feel like checking).

Some feel, even long friendships suffer, or people avoid them like they got a contagious disease. Most feel like a burden to their friends and family, like they have to reach out all the time, bearing the weigth of seeking contact and then feeling misunderstood on top of it. Or there is just noone there you could reach out to, if your family is small and maybe you lost most social life through the pandemic or even before.

I feel like that a lot, like other people want to move on to other topics and are generally not really able to "hold" my grief, without belittling it in a way that does not feel valid to me, like " You did the best you could", and " gotta go now, bye"

I know it is a societal problem, there is no place for grief. We learn all kinds of unimportant stuff in school. Just not this. Someone else wrote here before, that they get recommended all kinds of meditation apps etc. As if that would help.

There is a great list of what to say and not to, to grieving people here: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html

Only what does that help. It seems, all who read this, are the people that already know. Us  - the grieving. So preaching to the choir.

I´d like to know if other poeple here feel pretty alone in this process, and what to do about it. Because if noone asks, "how can I support you better", there is also no solution to this problem.

I think it would already help me, if some other people wrote here, if they feel the same way. And, if you are unhappy with the support in your life, how do you go out and meet new people, while in the worst shape of your life - while grieving?

A lot of us also struglge with taking care of the other, maybe ill parent, financial stuff, too much work, our own maybe not completely intact health anymore... so a lot to deal with, besides grieving the one we lost.

I personally find it quite difficult to, under these circumstances, with a pandemic still going on, and trying not to be inside too much in crowded places because of the virus - to go out there, and try to meet new people, who might be more understanding. And because of my grief, to not feel like a "damaged good", because I cannot be only cheerful and entertaining right now.

"I just lost my mum" seems to be the perfect conversation killer, I learned. On the other hand, I do not want to lie about how I feel. That would lead to only more superficial contacts with no benefit to me.

Anybody out there having the same experience? Also family members "outsourcing" you, to, others, asking you to call, say the other cousin - the one you saw twice in 30 years - or find therapy instead? Because talking to someone who has never met your mum or dad, and can therefore not remember and mourn them with you, would help so much? (irony off).

They also seem to think, mourning people have endless energy, like getting out of bed was not hard enough, and unlimited financial ressources...like a death is not expensive.

Anyone else experience this? I do not wish to seem unthankful. I also had no idea what an impact a death had, until I experienced it.

But everyone mourns differently also, and had a different relationship with their parent.

A distant one, who you did not live with, who maybe was not a good influence on your life  - and you might have your own family by now, that you see daily, and that supports you -  such a parent might be easier to let go, than a parent who you spoke with everyday, and who was the only person on the planet "in your corner".

I often feel like others, who only lost someone they were not very close to, and who´s loss changed very few things about their daily life, expect me to feel the same way, when everything about my daily life changed. Because my mum was, especially during the pandemic, the person I talked to most of the time. So there is some sort of judgement, like they "know" this, and if they could cope, so should you.

Anone else experience "expert status" from people who you think do not know the slightest thing about you, but feel entitled to let you know anyways?

And of course, this is never directly said, but I feel is the underlying sentiment of our connversations. Making me feel like I do not want to pick up the phone at all, as there seems very little honesty at play.

 

Even if your life circumstances differ profoundly from mine, please let me know how you experience grieving in your circle of acquaintances, friends, colleagues, neighbors, family members etc.

And if you have any idea what to do about this. 

Thank you for everyone who shares. I hope you have a great week, whereever you are on the planet.

 

[reader]

Thank you Summersun. x 

[KeyLimePie1]

Hello Summersun. Thanks for your post, I think this is an important topic that every grieving person will have no doubt thought about at some point. I know I have done!

So I come from a small family. My estranged dad passed away 3 years ago, and my mum passed away just over 12 months ago. All that is left of my immediate family is me, my sister and two nieces. I had a brother but he passed when I was young. I have a very small circle of friends and a limited social life.

My main activities are going to work and playing Soccer once sometimes twice per week. I may socialise with friends, maybe once a month, sometimes longer. I don't see my sister or nieces too often in person, work and college gets in the way for everyone. It's not that often anyone contacts me to see how I am doing or to initiate activities. It's usually me who has to do the asking, but this was the case before my mom passed. I don't have a relationship at the moment, I have always been single.

So that's the context of my social / family situation. In terms of the support in the aftermath of what happened to me and my sister - support was strong from a good friend of mine who I work with. She would check every other day with a text or a call. She even posted me a lovely care package - a box full of different items, sweets, deoderants, soaps, even toys for my cat. I will never forget that, it was so thoughtful. She is probably the only one who has been constantly there throughout the past 12 months so I am very greatful for her. She is still there now and I think we will be friends for life.

But for most other people, they checked in at the start, but some very quickly drifted away and haven't checked in since. I had a period of about 2 or 3 weeks where I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. June/July 2021, I was signed off work with stress and I got into a very bad routine of sleeping all day and staying awake all night. I would turn my phone off and shut the curtains to avoid looking outside. I was severely depressed and it was a bad place to be in. Thankfully I am not in that place now, I am back at work and I do some activities when I am in the mood, but I am not in the best routine in terms of self-care - sleep patterns and healthy eating is all over the place etc.

There were occasion in the past year where on bad days, I would go through a variety of feelings and emotions. I would go from sadness about the situation, dealing with the grief, and then to some frustration and anger at what I perceived as "some people just not being bothered" and thinking "I should be back to normal by now". That's why this website has been such a great help to me, I have one good friend on here who I won't namedrop but we regularly keep in touch via private message and she has been a massive help to me. I am so greatful for this website.

In terms of what to do about this situation - I'm not sure there is a quick solution to it. It goes back to the old saying that when times are hard and when challenges come, and there's no bigger challenge than dealing with loss and grief - then we find out who our true friends and family are. I could get frustrated about the people who I see as having turned their backs on me, but then I realise that they were probably not as genuine or as close friends as I thought. Perhaps I put them on a pedestal they didn't deserve to be on. But for those who don't show care, thought and compassion, you can then have a friend like my work friend who showed genuine thought and care. She may have been the only one in my circle who did, but sometimes that's all we need. One true friend is worth more than a thousand pretend ones.

The other thing to bear in mind is - there is no right or wrong way to manage and deal with our grief. What matters is that we find a way to provide the best self-care that we can. For once in our lives, we have to think about number one and protect ourselves first. Other people outside that may not like it, but we are going through the toughest time of our lives and grief is permanent, but we find our own ways to manage and deal with it as best as we can. Having people who understand helps massively. Perhaps somewhere on our journeys we can find these people and connect, whether that's through support groups, clubs and social activities somewhere down the line when we are ready. I accept this is a Chicken and Egg scenario when you factor in the aspect of the grief we are dealing with, and being in a good frame of mind to be ready to meet new people or try new activities that may interest us. 

In summary, my solution would be to look after yourself first and foremost, and then if we feel the support we have isn't there or isn't strong enough, we need to find alternatives that are right for us. We learn who is really there in our most distressing times. I hope this helps in some way and I hope you are keeping as well as you can be!

 

[Sarahismymom]

At the time my mom passed away, I was working in an office where everyone was relocating. That meant I had a building to myself. I needed that. I appreciated the people who asked how I was but I appreciated being alone. There were days I just cried my eyes out.  Every morning I got up and talked to mom. Then I had to relocate to a building where people are all around.  There are moments I turn my chair away from everyone & just cry. It’s a miserable experience. Everyone is laughing.  No there doesn’t seem to be a place for grief. 
 

I’m so very sorry. 

[peachglitter]

It's been a while since I've visited this forum, but the pain of losing my mother will never leave me. My functionality has decreased and I find myself spiraling a lot. I have cut off my extended family because no one supported me at the time of my mother's death. I am only twenty years old. My brother has cancer and it is my responsibility to care for him. When I suddenly lost my mom out of the blue, I expected my family, her family, to uplift me. I expected them to make sure I was doing okay and be patient on the days I wasn't. I didn't want to be selfish. I was just scared to be alone with this new part of me. I feel like I have been replaced by someone else and I am no longer the same. After all, these people knew the deep connection I had with my mother. We did everything together. We looked alike. We shared the same interests. We would laugh together, cry together, go on trips together, and now, I'm alone. I didn't get any phone calls, no hugs, no reassurance, no one to ask if I needed help doing anything, ... I realized just how lonely grief is. I realized it made others uncomfortable so I am left to deal with it on my own. I am not sure why I am writing this post, only to say I relate more to the lack of support more than I would like to. It is the most painful experience in my life. Even now, I know I will never forgive my 'family' for abandoning, not only me, but my mom the way they have. I will never, ever forgive them.

[reader]

Dear peachglitter, 

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. It's so hard when those nearest to us do not even offer any kindness or support. Please know you are not alone. I too wish my own siblings were kinder. I've been reading articles and came across this passage, but I think it applies to many relationships not only siblings. Like you, I struggle to forgive my family for the hurt and pain they have caused me.

When people who are supposed to love us hurt us, betray us or abandon us, the scars cut deep and affect other areas of our lives. When the relationship with our sibling is fractured, we are often left with a lingering longing for reconciliation. We may be stuck in grief if we cannot let go of the sibling we are supposed to have but do not have. We may still be waiting for an apology that will not come, the recognition for what we have done, or finally, or an acceptance of our true self into the family.  When we have tried again and again and are not able to get anywhere, we can be left feeling helpless. 

Sometimes the solution lies in making effort to reconcile with the sibling. And at other times, we may have to accept that we don’t have the sibling love we want and let go. 

We may not be able to change how our siblings behave, but we can change our perspective and attitude. Through deep conversation, shadow work or the help of therapy, we can learn to see our siblings for who they are— flawed, but human just like ourselves. They too, have been wounded and are finding the best way they could to survive.   By seeing our shared humanity, we can hopefully transcend past hurt and trauma, free ourselves from the burden of rage and resentment, and not let past events hold us back for the rest of our lives. 

[Rekj]

It's sad how much of this resonates. I NEVER thought I would be one of those people typing into the void. But I have run out of options.
I cancelled seeing colleagues for drinks and one friend for a catch up because I knew I would be either crying or numb. I am finding my own company frustrating.
I have so much work to do but just want to be left to feel this pain. 9 month anniversary is in a few days and it feel like such a long time. To not have seen or spoken to Mum for all that time feels like a sin. We were best friends. I've lost so much in losing her. I've lost my language. She understood. No one else speaks it and they never will. Some tried to be there for a bit while it was new and dramatic. But now it's clear that I've been hollowed out and changed forever, it's as if I am difficult to even lay eyes on.
Losing a parent in my thirties has made me a walking spoiler alert to anyone around me age; the unthinkable can happen. Avoid at all costs.

[Summersun]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and that it is getting worse from your feelings instead of better as time passes on. I, too feel I only had a connection with my mother on this planet, and now that she's gone there is zero connection left. It is a very lonely place as grief also makes others uncomfortable. I hope when vacation time is slowing down we will have a zoom group again on here and I would love it, if you could join in.

i think only others  who have gone through the same are able to understand the depth of our feelings.

Sending   much love to all of you who have written here.

Have a bearable Sunday,

I am thinking of you.

[KeyLimePie1]

Today's been a bad day for me in relation to this particular topic. I've opened up to someone who I thought was a good friend and effectively been told in these exact words "there's no point wallowing in self pity, I've got to make the best of it and enjoy what I can from life".

This is not my friend I referred to in my original post on here - she's been amazing and still is. I will forever be greatful for her friendship and support. This is about someone else I thought I could trust.

This person still has their parents, and as far as I'm aware has all their family around them. I'm not saying they won't have their own issues, but it is easy for them to say when they don't live alone in their mum's house with all the memories, every day being constantly reminded that life will never, ever be what it was before. No matter what happens, life has changed in the worst way. Why can't some people understand this? This isn't like losing a job, where you can repair the damage. This is real grief, this is true loss. Me and my mom were extremely close. She was not just my mom, but my best friend.

It's safe to say I will never open up to this person again about anything I am feeling. I didn't expect such a lack of sympathy and compassion. It's another example that you can come across this attitude amongst people you thought you trusted. Well I take it as another lesson learned, but I'm not happy, but I am feeling pretty angry at the time of writing, to be honest. I just thought I'd post this to show people here this is not a rare occurrence. Sorry to be negative here, but I needed to get it off my chest somewhere.

[Rekj]

5 hours ago, GribbleMC1 said:

Today's been a bad day for me in relation to this particular topic. I've opened up to someone who I thought was a good friend and effectively been told in these exact words "there's no point wallowing in self pity, I've got to make the best of it and enjoy what I can from life".

This is not my friend I referred to in my original post on here - she's been amazing and still is. I will forever be greatful for her friendship and support. This is about someone else I thought I could trust.

This person still has their parents, and as far as I'm aware has all their family around them. I'm not saying they won't have their own issues, but it is easy for them to say when they don't live alone in their mum's house with all the memories, every day being constantly reminded that life will never, ever be what it was before. No matter what happens, life has changed in the worst way. Why can't some people understand this? This isn't like losing a job, where you can repair the damage. This is real grief, this is true loss. Me and my mom were extremely close. She was not just my mom, but my best friend.

It's safe to say I will never open up to this person again about anything I am feeling. I didn't expect such a lack of sympathy and compassion. It's another example that you can come across this attitude amongst people you thought you trusted. Well I take it as another lesson learned, but I'm not happy, but I am feeling pretty angry at the time of writing, to be honest. I just thought I'd post this to show people here this is not a rare occurrence. Sorry to be negative here, but I needed to get it off my chest somewhere.

This is exactly the place to share those feelings and experiences. We probably all have a similar story. My best friend of 10 years has vanished since the funeral. I’m in therapy and  trying to refocus after months and years of Mum at the centre of my world. Now we have to put ourselves in the centre. That’s what they would want and it’s the healthiest thing to do. All that love they want to give but can’t; it’s up to us now to love ourselves, which will keep Mum close and help us have a positive life without their physical presence.

[unluckydaughter]

I can completely relate with you all. When I lost my dear Dad to covid I was so frustrated to see my relatives still sharing jokes on covid in our WhatsApp groups. They showed business as usual after my Dad passed. I am in a different country and I couldn’t see him one last time. Only a handful of them reached out to me to offer condolences. The covid jokes being shared continuously on our WhatsApp group, some reacting haha, people not saying a ‘sorry’ but continuing to act as if nothing happened made me frustrated and I quit the group. But nobody asked me why. Nobody even afterwards said a sorry. I really longed for my relatives at least some of them to ask how I was coping with the loss, and older folks to say some words of strength but nobody has asked me till date. Including my in-laws. Although I no more believe in celebrating my birthday (Dad and I shared the same birth month), nobody even wishes me anymore. They enjoy and celebrate everyone else’s birthdays but not mine. I feel very lonely, very sad about others’ behavior, nobody cares for me. With my dear Daddy my huge support system went away. Some days I’m frustrated to a point where I feel I WANT to see how my relatives would behave if one of themselves face similar tragedy. But they are all doing great. They all have complete families. Honestly I really wonder why people behave this way when we have faced such a huge loss. They should actually try to cheer us up more. But society is so cruel, they make us feel more hopeless. Not sure why we all deserved this. 

[Summersun]

We do not deserve this. 

[Summersun]

I am somewhat at loss how to go on. As other people have written above, sometimes it feels like it is necessary to cut off ties with your family/ and of other folks in your life.

Only it doesn't change a thing. Once you decide to talk again, they just go on like before. No one seems to notice that a loss of this dimension constitutes a major trauma. Especially if it was preventable, especially if your family did not inform you. 

Every trauma expert in the world will tell you that for you to start healing, first of all the abuse needs to stop. If the abuse includes lying and going behind your back and treating you like you were not an important member of the family, this would need to change dramatically, to even have half a chance to save your own soul and come out alive in the end. 

But what if everyone around you feels like nothing happened, they did not mistreat you, and just go on like before?

Showing the same kind of behavior, thinking nothing about it, even now not informing you of important phonecalls and other events, or telling you, your feelings do not matter?

Even after you lost the most important person in your life? Due to this kind of misconduct? They cannot detect a pattern here, are blind to it, and gaslight you about it? Every single one of them, even though for different reasons. But it adds up.

Cutting off ties would seem like the most rational decision, but it is not always easy if you either depend on them, or they depend on you, depending on who it is. If that's not a solution, at least not in my position - does anyone else have any other ideas?

It's maddening - to say the least - to be able to analyse a situation so thouroughly and realise that you can do precisely nothing to stop it from keeping on happening...

And they feel fine about it, they have zero problems, it's of course me who's being difficult, and needs help, not them being abusive...

I realise a lot of people in this thread have the same problem, but how do you not lose your mind?

SoS

[Rekj]

1 minute ago, Summersun said:

I am somewhat at loss how to go on. As other people have written above, sometimes it feels like it is necessary to cut off ties with your family/ and of other folks in your life.

Only it doesn't change a thing. Once you decide to talk again, they just go on like before. No one seems to notice that a loss of this dimension constitutes a major trauma. Especially if it was preventable, especially if your family did not inform you. 

Every trauma expert in the world will tell you that for you to start healing, first of all the abuse needs to stop. If the abuse includes lying and going behind your back and treating you like you were not an important member of the family, this would need to change dramatically, to even have half a chance to save your own soul and come out alive in the end. 

But what if everyone around you feels like nothing happened, they did not mistreat you, and just go on like before?

Showing the same kind of behavior, thinking nothing about it, even now not informing you of important phonecalls and other events, or telling you, your feelings do not matter?

Even after you lost the most important person in your life? Due to this kind of misconduct? They cannot detect a pattern here, are blind to it, and gaslight you about it? Every single one of them, even though for different reasons. But it adds up.

Cutting off ties would seem like the most rational decision, but it is not always easy if you either depend on them, or they depend on you, depending on who it is. If that's not a solution, at least not in my position - does anyone else have any other ideas?

It's maddening - to say the least - to be able to analyse a situation so thouroughly and realise that you can do precisely nothing to stop it from keeping on happening...

And they feel fine about it, they have zero problems, it's of course me who's being difficult, and needs help, not them being abusive...

I realise a lot of people in this thread have the same problem, but how do you not lose your mind?

SoS

Sounds like a boundaries challenge. You can be around them when it’s logistically unavoidable but you don’t have to play their games. I’m working on self love so I value my own needs enough to care for them; possibly you could benefit from the same sort of thing?

I’ve just read David Hamilton’s book ‘I love me’ which has really comforted me and helped me refocus my energy form what others are doing to what I can do.

We’re all here for each other as we try to navigate this new world we’ve entered xxxx

[reader]

Dear Summersun,

You've expressed it perfectly. There is a deep hurt and pain that is not easily overcome. I have cried a lot over my siblings behavior towards me. This is what one psychologist wrote that helped me: https://eggshelltherapy.com/toxic-sibling/#Essentially… 

When people who are supposed to love us hurt us, betray us or abandon us, the scars cut deep and affect other areas of our lives. When the relationship with our sibling is fractured, we are often left with a lingering longing for reconciliation. We may be stuck in grief if we cannot let go of the sibling we are supposed to have but do not have. We may still be waiting for an apology that will not come, the recognition for what we have done, or finally, or an acceptance of our true self into the family.  When we have tried again and again and are not able to get anywhere, we can be left feeling helpless. 

Sometimes the solution lies in making effort to reconcile with the sibling. And at other times, we may have to accept that we don’t have the sibling love we want and let go. 

We may not be able to change how our siblings behave, but we can change our perspective and attitude. Through deep conversation, shadow work or the help of therapy, we can learn to see our siblings for who they are— flawed, but human just like ourselves. They too, have been wounded and are finding the best way they could to survive.   By seeing our shared humanity, we can hopefully transcend past hurt and trauma, free ourselves from the burden of rage and resentment, and not let past events hold us back for the rest of our lives. 

[Summersun]

Thank you reader. It' s good to know you are out there somewhere.

[unluckydaughter]

On 7/15/2022 at 2:26 PM, Summersun said:

I am somewhat at loss how to go on. As other people have written above, sometimes it feels like it is necessary to cut off ties with your family/ and of other folks in your life.

Only it doesn't change a thing. Once you decide to talk again, they just go on like before. No one seems to notice that a loss of this dimension constitutes a major trauma. Especially if it was preventable, especially if your family did not inform you. 

Every trauma expert in the world will tell you that for you to start healing, first of all the abuse needs to stop. If the abuse includes lying and going behind your back and treating you like you were not an important member of the family, this would need to change dramatically, to even have half a chance to save your own soul and come out alive in the end. 

But what if everyone around you feels like nothing happened, they did not mistreat you, and just go on like before?

Showing the same kind of behavior, thinking nothing about it, even now not informing you of important phonecalls and other events, or telling you, your feelings do not matter?

Even after you lost the most important person in your life? Due to this kind of misconduct? They cannot detect a pattern here, are blind to it, and gaslight you about it? Every single one of them, even though for different reasons. But it adds up.

Cutting off ties would seem like the most rational decision, but it is not always easy if you either depend on them, or they depend on you, depending on who it is. If that's not a solution, at least not in my position - does anyone else have any other ideas?

It's maddening - to say the least - to be able to analyse a situation so thouroughly and realise that you can do precisely nothing to stop it from keeping on happening...

And they feel fine about it, they have zero problems, it's of course me who's being difficult, and needs help, not them being abusive...

I realise a lot of people in this thread have the same problem, but how do you not lose your mind?

SoS

Dear Summersun,

I have no solution to this, but just want to say that I have the same question as you. How do you not lose your mind over bad behavior and ignorance from people who could have cheered you up! I’m talking about my relatives. I was an introvert to begin with, but since the time my Dad passed, I have no mood to start normal conversations with people. However, somewhere I had always hoped they would reach out to me and check on me but nobody cares. Since then, I’ve only been cutting off contacts with people who have not reached out to me, those that were not very nice to me, and it has become a lonnng list of contacts there! This kind of ignorance from your folks is what makes me frustrated. They continue to enjoy their lives and ignore us. That makes me lose my mind. That makes me feel more lonelier. The fact that some of them continued to share jokes on covid during the hardest time I cannot get over it at all. Every single day I get reminded of it. I have the same anger today. My husband says people are insensitive, and I cannot expect everyone to share the sadness with me and he asks me to not think about it. But I’m unable to. It drives me crazy.

There are numerous times that I feel I would have been in a better shape today, not too depressed, had these folks spoken with me and empathized with me. Is it that hard to be nice to someone who lost a family member?? And behold, the relatives that I expected support from, are all my Dad’s age, some even older. So it’s not like they don’t know what it feels like to lose a family member. I badly badly longed for people to talk to me, but that craving has also died now. Their ignorance is killing me. 
 

I used to be a person who was very cautious of not hurting anyone’s sentiments. I would not share any messages that related to someone in the chat groups. I never posted Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day wishes in any of my chat groups if someone didn’t have or lost their parents. But when it came to me, nobody cared. Nobody still cares. It is these types of negativities that has made my life even worse today. I feel scared to face the world. I feel like cursing them, but then what happens to them, they are all lucky people with complete families around. They are all born to enjoy and not suffer like us.

Not sure when and how we can get better with so much negativity around. Hope we all find some peace.

[Summersun]

Thank you, i feel the exact same way. Very hard to not get bitter. My 83 old dad just got diagnosed with covid. Many illnesses to start with, very high risk. Please keep us all in your thoughts. 

Sending strength to you, unlucky daughter, and all who read this. I hope you have a bearable day! Summersun

[unluckydaughter]

7 hours ago, Summersun said:

Thank you, i feel the exact same way. Very hard to not get bitter. My 83 old dad just got diagnosed with covid. Many illnesses to start with, very high risk. Please keep us all in your thoughts. 

Sending strength to you, unlucky daughter, and all who read this. I hope you have a bearable day! Summersun

Thank you. I sincerely wish your dear Dad recovers soon. 

[TaraB]

I am now giving you a big hug Summersun! Take care this week ❤️. I can so relate in the sense that I remember thinking “we’ll see who cares and who doesn’t”, and seeing more people on the latter list. Even those who do care in some way, for which I’m grateful, it feels like it’s more at their convenience when they offer a quick hug or say a quick sympathy. Quite surface level. Our society does indeed not give room for grieving. I’m very thankful for this online community.Wishing the best to you all as we get through another day.

[KeyLimePie1]

Summersun - I am sorry to hear about your dad and wish him a speedy recovery asap.

 

1 hour ago, TaraB said:

I am now giving you a big hug Summersun! Take care this week ❤️. I can so relate in the sense that I remember thinking “we’ll see who cares and who doesn’t”, and seeing more people on the latter list. Even those who do care in some way, for which I’m grateful, it feels like it’s more at their convenience when they offer a quick hug or say a quick sympathy. Quite surface level. Our society does indeed not give room for grieving. I’m very thankful for this online community.Wishing the best to you all as we get through another day.

Tara this post absolutely sums up how I feel and have felt for a number of years, before my own grief came along. You are right, society still has no room to be there for people in desperately sad and difficult times. The social media generation only want to see the pictures of cocktails and the sunny holidays. They don't want to be there for people having a hard time, people who are brave enough to open up in the first place, many still have no time for it in my experience.

I am from England and there's very much a "stiff upper lip" mentality out there, or that's how I feel. Until people go through this themselves they have no idea.

This is a wonderful community and a great website, I am so greatful for it being here.

[TaraB]

I know what you mean, it’s been a world changer for how I treat other grieving people now v. before. Here in the US, at least where I’m at, the slightest being anything but “good” feels like I introduced a big rain cloud to the room. It’s a sad day when we feel shame for being not ok, when in these circumstances it would be concerning if we weren’t grieving!

[Summersun]

Thank you everyone for your wishes. I have been very busy with getting my dad to talk to doctors this week. He seems to have little symptoms, or less than me actually. I had covid a few days before him. Been testing negative for around ten days now. Still short of breath and coughing. Does anyone here have experience with this? How soon can one "do" stuff again that require a bit of strength? Like taking a tiny trip by train? I still have my heart racing and feel generally weak. So I am afraid it will affect my heart long term, or his. My dad has a pacemaker, and I have suffered from chronic fatigue anyhow, do not want it to become worse.

Has anyone here had covid, with symptoms that long? I read about people having nothing and folks suffering for years. We already paid for our trip on Monday. Would lose a lot. But health consequences not that tempting either. Would you all take your dad on a trip, if he wanted to go? Just to  a concert, for three days or four. Very afraid of losing him, or me spending more hours in bed than I already do. I thought it best to ask here, as there might be folks here who are not exactly 25 anymore either. Twitter people are so young!😉

Have a great day everone!

[Summersun]

Hi all. 

Just wanted to report that dad got out of covid better than I did. However his stroke symptoms seem to get worse by the day, memory failing faster than ever. But also the aggression through dementia I believe  - it's getting worse. I have 0 idea how to get a hold of anything he does, he does not listen to me anymore, does whatever he wants. However harmful it might be, while yelling and screaming when critized. Seems like a wild animal at times, and noone I used to know. I am equal parts sad and devastated, and cannot seem to grieve his old self while he is still there... anyone has experience with this? Thanks a lot.