Ruminating and intrusive thoughts

[MP28]

My soulmate died in his sleep two months ago. He was only 34. He was my best friend and we were together but not officially dating. We were off and on for a year and a half then the last 7 months were steady just the two of us. He had an ex gf from 3 years ago who would come up every now and then, but I was never worried about her before. I trusted him and know he was loyal to me. However, after he passed I have seen and heard more about her. I start spiraling and create stories in my head with her involved and am torturing myself. He was like a father figure to her kids and stayed in their lives even after they broke up, something I didn’t know until after his death. This speaks to his character, but has contributed to me spiraling and creating narratives that feed into my insecurity. I am giving her way too much power and I want her out of my head. She complicates my grieving and I don’t know why I am doing this to myself.  I know he loved me and have so much to prove it and yet I still have so much anxiety and doubt when she comes up in my mind.  I just want to be able to focus on our love and memories together.  If anyone has had a similar experience I’d love to hear from you too. I feel so alone with him gone.

[Ronni_W]

MP28, my experience isn't really the same as yours. My late husband and I also had a (temporary) split back about 12 years before he died. Afterwards, when I was going through his things, I found a couple of photos of him with another lady, and cards from her to him. The two of them went to high school together, and I knew about her, but not that they'd ever been with each other as the photos and cards suggest. I never met her or even spoke to her, but she actually did call me after he died (but before I'd come across the photos and cards).     There were a few moments where I felt a little bit stupid about all of it (I'm not sure what the heck she was looking for when she called -- phoney 'concern' for me and fake 'sympathies' offered? -- which I of course accepted without knowing any background), but nevertheless, and whatever may have been her nefarious intentions and goals, at the end of the day, he was with me at his end of life. Not her, me.

You, not her. It may not be all that easy, but possibly it will help if you can come to see that your guy stayed in the lives of those children out of love for them (not her) and wanting to be a good and stable presence for them; wanting to keep a connection with them but not with her (but they came as a 'package deal' with their mom, so precious little he could do about that).

I don't know if this will help any, at all. I do know, however, the feeling of feeling so alone without them.   Love and hugs, Ronni

[KayC]

18 hours ago, MP28 said:

My soulmate died in his sleep two months ago. He was only 34. He was my best friend and we were together but not officially dating. We were off and on for a year and a half then the last 7 months were steady just the two of us. He had an ex gf from 3 years ago who would come up every now and then, but I was never worried about her before. I trusted him and know he was loyal to me. However, after he passed I have seen and heard more about her. I start spiraling and create stories in my head with her involved and am torturing myself. He was like a father figure to her kids and stayed in their lives even after they broke up, something I didn’t know until after his death. This speaks to his character, but has contributed to me spiraling and creating narratives that feed into my insecurity. I am giving her way too much power and I want her out of my head. She complicates my grieving and I don’t know why I am doing this to myself.  I know he loved me and have so much to prove it and yet I still have so much anxiety and doubt when she comes up in my mind.  I just want to be able to focus on our love and memories together.  If anyone has had a similar experience I’d love to hear from you too. I feel so alone with him gone.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know you don't want to do this to yourself, and wish there was an off switch so you could quit but it's not so simple as that...I encourage you to see a grief counselor who is professionally trained to help you through this.  You want reassurance from him that you meant to him what you thought you did.  All that changed was his physical body giving out, nothing changed between the two of you, who you were to each other, the love you shared together.  Did he give you cause to doubt him?  Was he deceptive, a liar?  If not, please employ the same faith in him you always had.

I know we can drive ourselves nuts wondering about things.  People sometimes compartmentalize and he may not have told you every detail because he didn't think it concerned you, men especially focus on one thing at a time, whereas women (multitaskers) encompass the whole more.  

I am so sorry for everything you're going through, I know how lonely and fearsome it seems when they're gone, I think a lot of us feel that, especially in the early grief, it's a lot to take in, a lot to adjust to.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[MP28]

6 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

MP28, my experience isn't really the same as yours. My late husband and I also had a (temporary) split back about 12 years before he died. Afterwards, when I was going through his things, I found a couple of photos of him with another lady, and cards from her to him. The two of them went to high school together, and I knew about her, but not that they'd ever been with each other as the photos and cards suggest. I never met her or even spoke to her, but she actually did call me after he died (but before I'd come across the photos and cards).     There were a few moments where I felt a little bit stupid about all of it (I'm not sure what the heck she was looking for when she called -- phoney 'concern' for me and fake 'sympathies' offered? -- which I of course accepted without knowing any background), but nevertheless, and whatever may have been her nefarious intentions and goals, at the end of the day, he was with me at his end of life. Not her, me.

You, not her. It may not be all that easy, but possibly it will help if you can come to see that your guy stayed in the lives of those children out of love for them (not her) and wanting to be a good and stable presence for them; wanting to keep a connection with them but not with her (but they came as a 'package deal' with their mom, so precious little he could do about that).

I don't know if this will help any, at all. I do know, however, the feeling of feeling so alone without them.   Love and hugs, Ronni

Hi Ronni_W, thank you so much for sharing your story.  I can relate to when you said you felt stupid, I felt the same way after learning some new things about his ex.  That's also a contributing factor to what has me spiral sometimes.  If I didn't know this, what else didn't I know?  But in the end it doesn't matter, because like you said he was with me at the end of his life.  I trusted him and I know he was loyal to me.  It was me who spent time with him the day before he passed away.  It was me who he called/texted everyday.  I just have to keep myself grounded and remember these things when I start to feel anxious and insecure.  Thank you so much for your support ❤️ 

[MP28]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know you don't want to do this to yourself, and wish there was an off switch so you could quit but it's not so simple as that...I encourage you to see a grief counselor who is professionally trained to help you through this.  You want reassurance from him that you meant to him what you thought you did.  All that changed was his physical body giving out, nothing changed between the two of you, who you were to each other, the love you shared together.  Did he give you cause to doubt him?  Was he deceptive, a liar?  If not, please employ the same faith in him you always had.

I know we can drive ourselves nuts wondering about things.  People sometimes compartmentalize and he may not have told you every detail because he didn't think it concerned you, men especially focus on one thing at a time, whereas women (multitaskers) encompass the whole more.  

I am so sorry for everything you're going through, I know how lonely and fearsome it seems when they're gone, I think a lot of us feel that, especially in the early grief, it's a lot to take in, a lot to adjust to.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Hi KayC, thank you for your response.  You hit the nail on the head when you said "You want reassurance from him that you meant to him what you thought you did".  This is exactly it!!  I know what we had was special, I have so many memories and texts to affirm that.  But for some reason after he passed away I started doubting and questioning myself.  Was I living in my own fantasy?  He was my person, but was I that for him?  I think it started after I met so many other people who were in his life that I didn't know about as well as learning more about his ex.  I appreciate your comment "People sometimes compartmentalize and he may not have told you every detail because he didn't think it concerned you".  That's all I think it really was.  There are a ton of people in my life that I never told him about either, because maybe I never had the chance or it didn't seem relevant.  Thank you for talking me down and being so compassionate, especially on this topic.  I know it stems from my own anxiety which is something I am working on, but I really appreciate your kind words ❤️ 

[DWS]

@MP28I have no experience to your similar situation but try to remember that grief and our grieving minds aren't easy to control. Despite your awareness in dealing with past anxiety, coping with grief is a whole other thing so try to be gentler on yourself during this time. It's an immediate wound that shattered the world you were used to...something you certainly didn't ask for. Anxiety, doubts, fears, etc are common to all of us grievers...and why wouldn't they be? Hugs to you. 

[MP28]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

@MP28I have no experience to your similar situation but try to remember that grief and our grieving minds aren't easy to control. Despite your awareness in dealing with past anxiety, coping with grief is a whole other thing so try to be gentler on yourself during this time. It's an immediate wound that shattered the world you were used to...something you certainly didn't ask for. Anxiety, doubts, fears, etc are common to all of us grievers...and why wouldn't they be? Hugs to you. 

DWS thank you for this, it's helpful that you validate the uncomfortable feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear.  I also find I focus on things like this as a way to distract myself from the real pain of losing Charles. I will work on being more compassionate with myself like you said ❤️ 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, MP28 said:

But in the end it doesn't matter, because like you said he was with me at the end of his life.

True!  I had something similar with George's ex...when we married, HE did the moving, adjusting, etc. while things didn't change as much for me, not that I didn't have adjustments too...I was working and he was waiting for college to start, so he had a couple of months he was home alone while I was at work and he didn't know anyone yet.  It takes a while to build friendships.

A year after he died, his ex called for him (which tells me she hadn't been in touch with him for a while or she'd have noticed a lot sooner)....she talked to me and told me he'd come to see her during this adjustment period, while I was at work.  He never mentioned it.  I know she was telling the truth because she described our pickup!  I was pretty hot, but when I calmed down, I realized the truth that he was lonely, wanted to connect with someone he knew, he'd been going through a lot at the time, and he had not kept up with her!  Of course, for him the situation was different in that it wasn't about a child or having to have a connection with her.

But I know in my heart he never cheated on me, nor ever would, I trust him fully.  I probably would have lambasted him had I known at the time (I wanted to when I found out) but in the end, I understood, and nothing to forgive.   I haven't heard from her since.  Had I known her number I probably would have contacted her before the funeral, as she was someone who'd been in his life for years...and that's just how I am. 

In George's situation it differed in that he deliberately kept it from me to avoid me giving him hell (and I would have) which isn't honorable, but understandable.  I know me!  I may be understanding in some ways but when it comes to my man...umm, protective kicks in!

[Ronni_W]

On 6/22/2022 at 8:42 AM, MP28 said:

[...] I know he was loyal to me.  It was me who spent time with him the day before he passed away.  It was me who he called/texted everyday.  I just have to keep myself grounded and remember these things when I start to feel anxious and insecure. [...]

MP28, sometimes it's easier and sometimes it's much more challenging. I also can start to quickly spiral and torment myself with ruminating and brooding thoughts about "what if?" and "woulda, coulda, shoulda" -- which has been going on from within me for almost 3 years now.   Something 'crazy' that I just tried this past week, to help keep my wandering thoughts in check: I bought one of those colouring-in books for adults (and colouring markers, crayons and pencil crayons), and a rug-hooking pillowcase cover kit. I'm *loving* the rug-hooking -- can't wait to see my handiwork when it's done -- and, most importantly for me, it does help to keep my mind occupied when I don't feel like reading. Haven't yet tried the colouring-in, so can't speak to that, but have used some crayons to just doodle and draw things in a scrapbook. (I could even turn out to be the next Picasso or Dali! <LOL>.) I've always got the TV on, anyway, but I am finding that these 'craft activities' are quite helpful for my 'mental relaxation'...which also translates for my physical relaxation. Sometimes, totally unconsciously, I am so tense that I literally forget to breathe -- I end up choking and sputtering and, "Bloody hell, Ronni...remember to breathe for God's Sake!!!" Literally.

Love and hugs to you, MP28.     Ronni

[KayC]

Ronnie, I used to make cards, for 35 years, loved doing it, had them in our local art gallery and sold them online.  I belonged to a cardmaking group, we'd meet monthly, share ideas, have a card exchanged, it was fun and got us to stretch ourselves.  I also had a ladies group that met weekly, we colored while we talked, we'd have lunch, it was fun.  Now I have all this stuff, collecting dust..no more get togethers (Covid) and my hands destroyed in injuries in two years, the last one was nine months ago.  I've lost most of my strength and have continual pain...8 dog bites, a hard yank (Chow), overzealous dermatologist, and a botched orthopedic hand surgery...11 in all.  I can no longer do the cards.  I would love to heal and get this back, but don't know that will ever happen.  Nerves are odd, unpredictable.  I'm glad you have found crafting and it de-stresses you!  George used to watch me making cards with a totally "lost in love" look on his face, watching me.  I asked him "What??"  He said, "I just love watching you make cards, you make all those happy sounds!"  I asked, "Happy sounds?"  He said, "Yeah, like whistling, and humming and stuff."  I didn't even realize it..  It was my happy place.  Now it's a good memory...him watching me...

[Ronni_W]

KayC,

I'm sorry to hear. Please feel free to 'private message' me, if or whenever. It's really weird. Ray also used to hum whenever he was doing stuff that he really enjoyed. (Like when he was cooking for me, or colouring my hair, or cutting it.) And, one time when we were at the couples' counseling session, and all of this came up (I have no idea how, really, and I said, "I know! He hums!!!" And it sort of 'hit' him in all the right places, that I knew that about him.)   Also, there's some song by some group, that sings, "I don't wanna close my eyes...I don't wanna miss you girl..."  And Ray used to say that to me -- I kind of think how your George used to think/feel about you (as my Ray used to think/feel about me) -- "and I don't want to miss a thing" (are some of the lyrics. But I don't want to go and look them up right now. It just hurts and pains me all the time.)

It's not often mentioned on this site, but my own spiritual (not religious) beliefs are that, yes, you (we) can heal from all of our physical and psychological crap that we're going through at this moment of 'earth history' (including Ukraine war, refugee camps, food and water shortages, etc., and et al.)

So much love, KayC.     Ronni

[KayC]

Ronni, I look forward to the day when the world mess we are in is no longer and we get that fresh start in afterlife and can be with those we love again...I've so many on the other side!  It's not easy for them to cross back with signs, etc. but I will never forget the time I felt George's hand on my back after the soc. sec. office freaked me out...the moment I felt it, I felt instant calm and peace...I have no idea how this works, only that it happened and was amazing.  

[Sparky1]

11 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

Also, there's some song by some group, that sings, "I don't wanna close my eyes...I don't wanna miss you girl...

 One of my wife's favourite songs and after I heard it mine as well. It's from the group Aerosmith called "I don't want to miss a thing." It's a special song because when I met her she had this cd with all love songs on it and she played it over and over and it really grew on me. I still have it but it is very tough to listen to it.

[Ronni_W]

On 7/3/2022 at 11:17 AM, Sparky1 said:

 One of my wife's favourite songs and after I heard it mine as well. It's from the group Aerosmith called "I don't want to miss a thing." It's a special song because when I met her she had this cd with all love songs on it and she played it over and over and it really grew on me. I still have it but it is very tough to listen to it.

Sparky1, yes. I have been deliberately avoiding the radio and music in general for almost 3 years (but the stupid songs still come on the stupid muzak or 'station' that they pipe through most any store that I happen to be in, and also in too many of the stupid TV commercials! <smile; sigh; cry; sigh>.). Anyway. I just recently decided to buy a new CD player. Got it about a week ago, but was able to listen to half of one song, which is actually a meditational/orchestral/spiritual-oriented piece, and not even at all a 'love song' or any of the songs we used to dance to, sing to, karaoke to.

When is it going to stop sucking and hurting and paining so much? I don't know.  On the other side, way back in the day, I attended a couple of Aerosmith concerts, live and in person. 'Toys in the Attic' -- I did that one. 🙂.     Love and hugs to you, Sparky1.   Ronni

[Ronni_W]

On 7/3/2022 at 6:30 AM, KayC said:

Ronni, I look forward to the day when the world mess we are in is no longer and we get that fresh start in afterlife and can be with those we love again...I've so many on the other side!  It's not easy for them to cross back with signs, etc. but I will never forget the time I felt George's hand on my back after the soc. sec. office freaked me out...the moment I felt it, I felt instant calm and peace...I have no idea how this works, only that it happened and was amazing.  

KayC, I do 100% accept that I cannot physically experience Ray on Earth (in my this lifetime) again. (I do get that I can experience him metaphysically or 'vibrationally' or 'spiritually' or whatever other word/term suits and fits.) But, for me, there are over 7.5 billion other people on Earth right now, and why should they have to wait until *I* get to *my* afterlife? Why can they, at least, not have their better and higher world today, on Earth today? (This is the part that, for other people, I do not get.)

I also do not understand how it works -- I call it 'spiritual metaphysical science' is how it works -- Cosmic Energies and vibrations and such that keeps us connected -- you with George and me with Ray and all persons with all of their loved ones -- but I still don't know why it cannot happen ON Earth, and why everyone (else) has to "suffer and endure" until after they have their own transition from out of their current physical body. Like you, I have no idea. I have plenty o' questions...and am going to really super pissed off, if I don't get all of the answers, after my own transition! 😄.