Really tough day

[Goforth860]

I know it's barely 8 am here but it's the start of a really rough day. My pain level is through the roof. I'm hurting so bad am nauseous and if I move pains shoot everywhere.  Janet's still asleep. I did at least make it through making coffee. I knew it was done but my body was fighting against me. I finally forced myself to move. I've taken my pain meds but they're not working as of yet. John would be making sure I was ok. He would be getting me an ice pk or he would've make the coffee and brought me my cup. It's so different and so much more difficult to survive without him. I'm leaking tears. Not a full on cry. Just... you know the cry where you're not even meaning to bur you're involuntarily streaming tears from the corners of your eyes. I was to scream. I just want him here. God I miss him. How do you go on. How does this work. I've had many losses in my life but I think his has hit me the hardest 💔.  I don't know if it's just the guilt I feel for being so mean to him the last cpl weeks of his life or if it's that and I lost my partner.  My best friend.  I would call him my soul mate.  We were meant to be together.  We were meant to find each other. We did find each other. And now he's gone. God help me. I just don't know how I'm supposed to continue on without him. 

[KayC]

I started at 3:45 am here...I like early morning when all is quiet and neighbors are still asleep, even the wildlife seems quiet.  I know you're missing him.  Please try to let go of the guilt, it's not representative of the whole of your relationship, we've all had tiffs, if he was still here it'd all be forgotten and moved on from, it's unfortunate his death occurred then, but it doesn't make you any more guilty of anything that it happened when it did.  

55 minutes ago, Goforth860 said:

I just don't know how I'm supposed to continue on without him.

One day at a time.  One minute.  Take a deep breath.  Breathe.  Have your cup of coffee.  

I'm sorry you're in pain.  I hope the medication kicks in soon, what causes it?  Sorry, I live with continual pain too, most of the time used to it by now but sometimes it seems unbearable (mine from injuries).  After their botched surgery I won't let them touch me again!

[Goforth860]

I've had 8 surgeries in 6 years. 3 left knee. The last one major. Right rotator . It went from a tear to a rip when I put it off for 6 mths. Both my wrist and wouldn't trade those. They were a miracle surgery. I have degenerative disc disease so 2 cervical spine. C4-C5 fused. C6-C7 fused. And now I'm needing C3-C4 done. I have been discussing a spine stimulator with a spine specialist. Was going to do that til my knee Dr referred me to an actual spine Dr instead of ortho who did my second spine surgery but should've actually never touched my spine. He said I needed C3-C4 cleaned up and a spacer put in. I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm so tired of being cut on. Some days it's bearable.  Others like today are excruciatingly and then there are days I can't hold water down for the unbelievable amount of pain. Today's a rough one. I'm crying because I'm hurting g so bad but the tears are not just because of the physical pain. It's the mental anguish.  It the turmoil I'm going through.  I miss John so bad. I wish I could do it all over. I had the knowledge thar Robert was going to die so I didn't take a single second fir granted. I knew there may not be another time.  So I cherished every second of everyday.  With John I didn't think hevwiukd ever be gone. We always had tomorrow.  But tomorrow cane and he was gone. There was no other time. And now I hate myself . Hate the meaness in me. I wasn't doing it on purpose.  It was my mental state that was in the mean state. I was having a manic time and there was nothing I could do about it. I don't try to be a bitch but sometimes I just am. I'm as sone would say rude crude and socially unexceptable. Dear God help me. Mentally physically and emotionally 😭

[KayC]

Wow!  That is a LOT!  I've had broken bones, surgeries, 14 injuries from a fall in 2017 (worst to knees and toes) Medicare won't cover it  so I live with it, then 11 hand injuries (5 major) in a two year period left me with very little strength and continual pain, my fingers stutter now and hurt to type, I broke my right elbow (no coverage for therapy) when I was out of work, also my nose and sheered on my upper front tooth (which I held in place with my tongue, no easy task, while going to interviews), it was months before I could get a bridge and a year later had to replace it), I don't claim to understand why some go through so much as you have but I do know that somehow I've survived the hardships...my only concern is what could come as I continue aging.  The only thing I know to do is try to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow (the Bible says each day has enough worry of it's own, I believe it!).  

1 hour ago, Goforth860 said:

Dear God help me.

He does and will.  The whole first year I felt He was a million miles away, couldn't feel/hear Him...at the end of that year I realized he carried me and I couldn't reach Him because I saw through a grief filter, but He was there all the time.

[Goforth860]

@KayC it seems as though you've been through the ringer also.  I'm sorry to hear that today is 17 years. It took me 21 years to not be horrible on my dad's death day. 21 years to be ok. I have no idea if I'll make it to 17 years but to hear you the day isn't any better Toda than it was then. I'm truly sorry for the day. I understand the days though. Like I said 21 years for my Das to just be ok. My mom it's a struggle everyday but with John it seems to be SO much more. I can't understand it. My mom was there. She was everything to me. But now John's death seems to have had more of an effect on me. My soul seems to he gone. I don't have the other ½ of me. We were one. He was me and I was him. Now that part of me is gone.

[Goforth860]

I decided I wanted to go out today. I asked Janet if she would take us to the park and feed the ducks. There's trails at the park too. She said that would be a wonderful idea.  So we got all dolled up. Me too (shocker). I don't wear makeup regularly.  Hell if I wear it twice a year that's saying something.  Janet is a very feminine woman.  I'm a tomboy.  I've been called butch since junior high and I've been mistaken for a lesbian. You know the word they use. I have wide shoulders and I have always carried myself with purpose.  Not confidence but like I had a reason. Which I do. Everyone does. I wish I knew mine. Before John died my reason my purpose was to take care of him. I'm not the best house keeper or anything but I always made sure he was fed. He had a good meal. He worked his ass off. He was a good man. This place seems so empty without him. I seem to have no reason.  I just want things to make sense and they don't. I'm not sure they ever will again. Everyone is telling me to let go of the guilt.  It's a lot easier said then done. Yes I know he forgave me before I even said anything mean. I know it wouldn't have lasted. I woke up that Monday morning feeling better. I was going to go to the store and get us some oj and creamer for our coffee. Some stuff for blts. It was a good morning.  Then I found him. It was a nightmare.  I still haven't woken up. I wish I would or could. But I know this is reality and I'm just stuck here without him. There's not a sec that goes by that I don't long for him. His presence. God I miss him. I just want him back. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Goforth860 said:

the day isn't any better Toda than it was then.

No, that initial day was the worst of the worst, nothing could surpass that unless it'd be my kids dying.  Losing my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, felt like that, but it's hard to compare as so much time has gone by, I'm sure our memory distorts.  That initial day was horrific!!!  It was such a shock, I felt like I was living in a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.  I've learned to carry it, I've learned to survive, I rarely cry now, instead it's like a sadness inside of me, even when I smile, enjoy my grandchildren and puppy, still it is there.  I know you all know what I'm talking about.  It's like it added another dimension to me that before I lived in innocence of...