Loss of my mother due to suicide

[Juliakatharine98]

3 days ago I lost my mother due to suicide. She was struggling with mental health issues and depression and other points of her life were not going well. She was struggling however I always suggested she get help and she wouldn't. She would see online therapists and said they never helped her.

 

I'm 23 years old and my mother was about to turn 52, her birthday is next week 6/16. I never in a million years thought I would have to live without her so soon and especially in this situation. I regret so much not spending more time with her, not telling her I love you more often and not hugging her more. She always asked for me to spend a little time with her and I always told her I was busy with work and my social life. I lived with her, my younger brother and father but my mother and I were best friends, almost like my sister. She was always there for me since day one and never left my side. She helped me with my boy problems, with school work, helping me study, and teaching me important life lessons that I will never forget. She grew up from nothing and ended up giving me everything. She was a strong women and gave up too soon. There was hope and time for her to get better to battle her internal problems. Unfortunately I can only blame myself for not saving her in time. If I only had told her I loved her more and spent more time with her she wouldn't have felt so alone. I will forever hate myself and I'm looking into opioids to numb this emotional pain. I need it to go away so badly I haven't been able to sleep or eat since I have lost her. Everyone said she loved me so much, but if she loved me she wouldn't have left me behind in this world. RIP Mom, 6/9/2022 💔

[vv__9]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You can't blame yourself. Everyone's life is their own and no matter how much you try a person can't change their choices unless they actually wanted to. As painful as that is to accept, its true. I lost my dad to suicide in July and I tried really hard for years to help him until it got so toxic I had to step away. I ran through every scenario, every way I could have done things differently. I was so lost in my own life and how busy it was, I didn't realize how differently time would have felt to someone else. That is something that still haunts me, how things slipped away. But they're no longer in pain, they're no longer in suffering, their life journey was not yours to fix, their experience and path is not meant for you, its not meant for you to understand or dissect. She will always love you, but sometimes there are things that hurt too much and for too long, that makes it hard to come back from and that doesn't mean they didn't have love in their heart. I feel abandoned too. I feel let down as well. But your mum sounds like she gave you some incredible memories, she will always be an integral part of you. And it hurts so much now, but you have to be strong with your mind even though it hurts so much and not let yourself be poisoned by guilt and anger. Because poison like that only grows and grows and you cannot let it win and take over because it becomes harder and harder to come back from. Looking back it all seems crystal clear what you could've done possibly, but when you're in your life living it live, you cannot possibly know what could happen next. And you cannot blame yourself for that. Absolutely no one can, and no one can change what happened. So please don't hurt yourself with those thoughts. 

[Summersun]

I am so sorry for your loss, too. I understand you want to numb the pain. I go through something similar currently, and do not want ot wake up everyday  a lot, as it hits me then what has happened, and that she is never coming back. There are great books on suicide, like "stepping back from the ledge", but it is way too early for you at the moment to read about things like that. Your brainright now could not process someone else´s story now,as every life is different.

What I would like to ask you try, at least try, is to not take medication that is as addictive as opioids. I just lost my mother to severe medical problems, which all started with a  medical condition, a pain problem following shingles, for which she was prescribed opioids. Looking back now, that was the thing that did her in. People become addicted to that after only two weeks or so. Millions of people die each year following a prescribtion they got after a sports or car accident. Then they try to get illegal drugs, often turning to fentanyl or heroin in the end. Doctors are completely irresponsible in my opinion. My mommy got it, in very low dosis for over twelve years. It meant a complete destruction of her life. Families fall apart, since the patient taking these drugs bocomes as irritating as a junkie, unreliable, mean, offensive, and simply not functioning. Only to not notice this themselves, since the pills keep you in a warm blanket, emotionally speaking. Withdrawl attempts can become futile.

So if you can at all resist, do not do it. You might have more problems than before, later on.

Only choose a doctor who is very strict, even if your situation right now, your overtired brain is screaming at you: "give me everthing"

Even benzodiapines should be only taken for 2 weeks, and they do not cause deep sleep in my experience, as they are not as strong as antidepressants and do not last as long. I would recommed instead a strong antidepressant. If you start high enough, they will knock you out enough to be able to catch up on sleep. Plus, the antidepresants will have an uplifting effenct in a couple weeks, which benzos do not have.

I would strictly stay away from opioids, and I only recommend benzos if you have only a couple hours to sleep, and the world depends on you functioning, like before a final exam which cannot be postponed. But then try out before, they make you dizzy sometimes. Even the funeral is probably better experienced without anything, even if you do not sleep at all then. That is normal, and otherwise you might have little memories after, unless you are already used to a certain substance.

If you can stay home right now and have to go nowhere in the morning, try to avoid benzos as well. Highly difficult to withdraw on your own. Antidepressants do not make you that physically addicted at least. Everything else usually needs to be withdrawn in a clinical setting if you missed the point where you could stop yourself. 

Doctors give out hard drugs like M&Ms! If your doctor does not clearly explain risks and side effects, change the doctor!

Please do not hesitate to find professional help! You just suffered a major shock. Every help possible is justified in this moment, even going to a hospital yourself, if you think that might help you. There are hotlines for suicide survivors, you can usually find the numbers online in your country. These people know exactly how you feel. You can always come here of course. But sometimes talking it all out is better, especially with people who have been through the same. They know there is life after suicide, even if it does not feel that way right now. 

Please know that people who are suicidal have no strength anymore to think about others. They have been at that point usually years before, and when they still had some energy left to fight their demons, their families migth have been a good reason to stay. Mothers are usually really responsible people, most dads are, too.

If she is gone now, it means the pain became too much. So much that she was in a different state of mind, where outside "factors", like family members´ feelings could not be considered anymore. She just needed the pain to stop. Some people have described it as not being able to breathe, as having a grand piano on their chest every minute of the day. It means she really saw no other way out anymore (independently of whether you or others could see one now).

Suicidal people often develop tunnel vision, where the end of life is the only option to end their pain they can envision. It has ZERO to do with you, and how much she loved you. If she had not loved you, she would have done that probably long before. So please do not, repeat, not take it on you, as being not loved enough. It had nothing to do with you, and everything with her. But that can be comprehended by the rational brain, and is very difficult to translate to your heart. Thats why I recommend you call or even meet up with people in similar circumstances, maybe in a group setting even, if you live in a big enough city.

PS: No regrets  over living your life, either. You are 23, for haven´s sake. Not the age to stay home and spend time with mummy. And she was obviously a good enough actress that her need was not that obvious to you. Not your fault either, no way. You´d have needed to be at least twice your age to maybe be able to "read" something into that. And there are lots of us, who are twice your age, and still did not get it. Because noone wants to be seen as needy, and therefore people hide. Like the other person commented. It was your mummy´s duty to find help. Not your job to be psychic. No self-blaming necessary.

And your heart will still need time to realize that.

I wish you all the best. All recommendations are only my own experience and might  be different for you.

Those first days are especially hard. Feel free to call on us anytime. Much love.

[Kevin8988]

Dear @Juliakatharine98

Your mom loves you and wants you to stay strong, and to live your life to the fullest.