cancer parent dad My father died two weeks ago after fighting pancreatic cancer for eleven years

[Mlicht]

I don’t know exactly how I’ve been feeling. It’s all more than strange, and what am I supposed to be feeling? 
I go from fine to being overwhelmingly worried, upset and angry.
My dad was sick and undergoing treatments for more than half my life. He became noticeably unwell the week after Easter, then he was sick with what seemed to be Covid for three weeks, they tried to get his liver function to recover for two and a half weeks in order to do a cat scan to see what the cancer had done. He had boney metastases everywhere, all over his body. The calcium from the bone breaking down and going into his blood was causing kidney failure. There was nothing else they could do for him.

He died at age 73, a week and a half after leaving the hospital and going into hospice care. I’m still not sure what to make of this, I don’t think I’ve processed it. After his being sick and health being in peril for eleven years his falling ill and dying within a month is beyond comprehension.

I think it will take me a long time to pull the blur of it all into focus. There are very complicated family dynamics at play. The reason we think he got Covid is because my sister came for Easter with a sick husband and child. We had been so careful given my dad’s fragile compromised immune system. And she brought these sick people to our house as if it wasn’t a big deal, her husband’s coughing woke many people up in the night and yet she felt it was fine because he tested negative. I will forever hold resentment for the decisions she made endangering the health of my father and my mother who has Afib. 
 

I’m the youngest in a family of ten and my older siblings never had a good grasp on what it was like to live with my father the cancer patient. It was difficult emotionally and practically. My sister who shall not be named is of the first four of my siblings, all of them ten+ years older than myself. My adolescence was marked by surgeries and medication changes, mood and behavior issues that were aggravating and upsetting, creating major conflicts between my dad and I. All of these experiences are unique to my siblings closest in age to me. Three people who understand the nuance of the situation first hand. The six others (not including one who was highly empathetic but lacked the everyday experience) had no idea what it was like to live with such a volatile version of my dad. And I never received so much as a text inquiring about how I was doing with such a difficult situation. I was always perplexed by this. I was a very depressed teenager, and extremely lonely. The last eleven years of my life have been emotionally exhausting. I’m 25 and I want very badly to have my own life now. After I developed a debilitating anxiety disorder at the age of 17 and never got completely back on my feet again, my life has been in limbo and filled with worry about the future being uncertain. The certainty of this moment isn’t as comforting as I had thought it would be for years. I’m very confused and still scared for the future…

[reader]

Dear Milcht,

Our deepest sympathies and condolences to you and your family. I am very sorry for your loss. 

It's very emotional dealing with the passing of parent and dealing with your dad's medical situation. Even as adults it's hard to cope and know what to say and do after such a difficult time. I know many of us feel the same about our siblings, friends and family after a loss. I think everyone is living in their own bubble and fail to realize how others are feelings.

If it's possible, I hope you will consider grief counselling or a support group. I also found these websites helpful.

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief.

Please know we are with you.