Lied to for over 2 years about my mother's health

[Lynda M Wardle]

My mother passed June 3. 2022 as a result of a massive stroke she had in 2020. My older sister and younger brother decided I did not need to know. Why I don't know. I live in Utah they are in California. My older step-brother told me 2 weeks before her death. He had been told by my siblings I was not to know. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. My 37 year old son is the oldest grandchild. He wasn't allowed to know, nor was he able to say goodbye.

I haven't been able to cry over my mother's death because I am so angry and hurt by my siblings actions and lies. I don't know how to deal with all this. HELP

[Summersun]

Dear Lynda, I have been through something similar. Please know there are people who know how you feel. What your family did was outragous. I read somewhere, one should never make huge decisions in the first year grieving. I have been in huge fights with my family since my mother passed. I am afraid now, the fights will kill my dad. Then I am guilty, once again. You are in a terrible situation. Please come here to vent. Try not do anything that has major consequences and can never be fixed,as one does when so enraged. I am also trying to not burn all the bridges, as the family is all we have left. And it is very, very demanding. Maybe you could try to do a family mediation in a year or so, and try to bring them to their senses, and see what they did to you and your son, with  a professional present. They will also be too emotional now to admit their mistake. Let some time pass, before you get help for such a diffucult conversation, as they also outnumber you.

In the meantime, please find help for yourself. You need the support most urgently now, and you should priorotize yourself over them. Easier said then done, I know. I also could not say goodbye to my mother. And she might have lived, if not all those medical mistakes were made. That were illegal as I had all the papers to make medical decisions. But noone called me. [I do not want to make this about me. I just want to show you sympathy. here are lots of us here, who could not say good bye. And things could be worse, if you have to live with the fact, that you might have saved her life, as in my case].

So please know: You suffered a major shock probably. Please call people you trust or even try to find someone who has experience with this. You should always be worth this in your own eyes. If everything is really hard right now - come to us. And try to think a little of your son. Given, he is a grown up. Yet, he will be a little worried for you now. I remember, when my gran passed, my own mother became depressed for about a decade. Okay, I was 7, not 37. Yet, he does not want to see you fall apart, I suppose. So I do not suggest putting on a mascerade. That is senseless. But maybe you could sit down with a friend, and ask them to develop a plan with you? Like help you make lists of what you want to get done, and check in on you, both on logistics, but more how you feel?

That asking someone for support is the hardest, in my experience. I did not do it in the first to weeks. Now it is over 3 months, and everyone expects me to be fine. So please, if you have people like that, ask them now, while it is fresh, and tell them you will need time, and if they could hang in there with you, also for the long run? A sudden death is harder I  believe, especially if you have family disputes that prevented your good bye. So try to build a structure of support while you still have the strength, is my idea, as things will be ups and downs for a while, I assume.

It was them, not you. Your brain will also wonder what you did wrong. Brains do that, even when we have zero fault. But from what it seems: you did nothing, that led to this!

Best wishes! Sending virtual hugs!

[Lynda M Wardle]

I'm not worried about making bad decisions etc. My older sister cut me and my then 17 year old son out of her life in 2002. Neither of us have any idea why. What could a 17 year old who does not live in the same state possibly do to offend her? My younger brother and I haven't had much of a relationship since I left California September 1981. We accepted their decision years ago.

That said, I was our other sister's caregiver her last 3 months of life in 1998. She passed from Ovarian Cancer 5/20/1998. I've also been a volunteer for hospice on and off since then. What my stepbrother told me about my mother, and her behavior, I've dealt with worse, so if Kim and Mark try to say they were trying to spare me, that won't wash. They complained caring for her affected their ability to work, missing days. I don't work. My mother could have been kept at home in familiar surroundings with a full time caregiver, me. They chose not to ask me for help. She would have been more calm in her own home.

My son is the oldest grandchild. He is pissed and hurt that we were lied to for over 2 years. The contact I had was limited to email. My sister would respond saying initially my mother didn't feel well. For my sister to respond I knew something was wrong. The next excuse was she didn't want to talk with anyone. Then she just ignored further emails. My son and I would like to go through our grieving process. He and I are both pissed and hurt about the lying and can't separate it from the grief yet.

There is more but you get the idea.

Me and my siblings have to go through our mother's home, see if there is anything we want. My mother has been cremated so funeral services will take place the same time period I am in California. IF they try to do any of this without me, they will each get $1, nothing from our mother's home and nothing from the sale of her home. My mother and stepfather have not been married since sometime in the 1980's, but remained friends and he is still my Dad. (My father passed in 09). He called and threatened them, reminding them he and my mother have the same attorney and if they try to do things without me, he will have the attorney enforce the $1, etc.

I don't care about the stuff. My mother was not rich. I care that my son and I were not given the chance to say goodbye. I care that Kim and Mark could lie so easily. So when this is completely done my son and I can go on with our lives and no longer worry about contact with them.

[Summersun]

Okay, sounds like a whole different story then what I assumed. The term "lied" to me implied you were on speaking terms. It´s hard to be cut off, especially when not given a reason. All the best to you

[J.Pete]

Lydia,  it’s so hard right now while you are on this emotional roller coaster, I feel for you and your son, it’s hard being kept out of a parents life by other siblings or family and then when it’s too late to be able to say goodbye and come to turns it home how makes you not only feel angry but the whole gambit of emotions run through you, anger, hate, revenge, wan thing to get back at nd strike out to those that cheated you and your son.  I have been there, i lived that for many years before I came first to terms with things then finally acceptance nd finally at peace.

 

please do as summersun suggested, seek a professional to help you find a healthy outlet for these emotions or they may get the best of you and cause you health issues.  Your son much of the same, he could turn his anger outward little by little and not understand why he is feeling like he does.

 

I stayed very angry and very hurt from what happened to me, I didn’t grieve for the loss of my mother for many years.  I have no ide why other than hate, revenge and anger obsessed me.  I couldn’t do nothing but spent hours trying to come up with something to retaliate.  I lost sleep, ate poorly and developed serious heart problems as a result of the hatred.

 

plese talk things over with your son, let him know it# okay to feel angry no cheted, those re nturl emotions.  Let him know it’s okay to cry or meditate or alone time just to clear his mind and think,. They have good resources for teens and grieving, also for family and grieving.  It may take some time to come to terms with what happened, that okay.  Do what is right for you and your sone but please don’t strike out at your siblings until you have talked with someone.   
 

My pastor once taught me to think of my actions done rashly, when you speak to someone be your angry or upset sometimes what he called ‘word sickness’ comes out.  Once something said it can never be taken back, ever.  Even if you do apologize the imprint of what was said will ways remain said abs can never be taken back.

 

I know your siblings may be having second thoughts about what they did but try to keep in mind (and please forgive me I don’t know what your family dynamics were) your siblings may have been trying to spare your feelings, they my have been thinking and worried about your financials of having to travrl

[Lynda M Wardle]

Summersun,

I may not have been on speaking terms with my siblings, but I was asking directly about my mother. My mother and I did not have any issues. This was a decision made by my siblings.

[Lynda M Wardle]

J.Pete, I raised my son to feel his emotions, good and bad. I also raised him it's OK for men to cry. Turning his anger inward is not a concern. 

Sparing my feelings is not what they were doing. I was my other sister's fulltime caregiver until she passed 5/20/1998. Since then I have volunteered for hospice, something they have been aware of. I sit with patients while their loved one/caregiver goes grocery shopping, church, whatever it is they want/need to do. From what I've been told, I have dealt with worse patients as far as behavior. My siblings still need to work, I do not. I could have been her fulltime caregiver in her home, familiar surroundings. They made the choice to not ask me to help.

As far as my financial situation, they have no idea what it is since they chose to not be a part of my life.

They had NO LEGITIMATE reason to keep this from me.