Where do I belong?

[MiddledaughterDee]

This is my first time writing anything. Not even sure I’m in the right category or place but here goes. In a nutshell

Married one year and had a late miscarriage in my second year. Lost the baby it was a boy I was very sick. I got better

-Florida Hard working mom of 2, working and raising them with out physical or $ help (alcoholic x husband) 1990 it began divorced in 1994

-cargiver to mom 2009 who died of metastasized lung cancer (7 months)

-Started over in 2010 in Tennessee helping my daughter with her new baby! 1 year later she was killed in car accident. I’m raising baby. I continue to have a career at Vanderbilt and had a wonderful home with my new husband, grandson and son. For many years! 

2019 noticed changes in dad.  Took FMLA and started helping dad, his wife has late stages Alzheimer’s. Continued traveling back and forth to care for him. Calls became 30 a day.

we quit jobs, gave my pet horse to the community college for the vet and agricultural students  to learn with. He died in a horrible snowstorm and colic -Ed 1 month after he moved with them. 

Gave my dog to my landlord and left our beautiful farm 

Tool care of dad from Jan 2021 to now. He was bed ridden with 2 broken hips and vascular dementia. I also think he had  Lewy body but never know. I was full time everything, my hubby helped when he wasn’t working. 

he died with me and my sister by his side. 
we did everything he wanted. 
 

im physically sick from being bitten by ticks….. finally done with the steroids but still on antibiotics. Will test for Lyme etc in several weeks. 

The tears won’t stop. My dad is so much better off, I should be happy for him. I didn’t cry this much when my own daughter died. I’m so messed up.my husband says I have PTSD

and which forum am I in! I’m heading back to the urgent care for antidepressants. Reached out to grief counselor but they haven’t called back. 
super beginner here, help?

[reader]

Dear Dee, 

I am sorry for everything you have been through. It's a lot for one person and it all takes an emotional too. Please know there are lots of resources in the community and through church. I also found these online resources helpful.

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

Tiny Buddha

Thinking of you. x 

[In shock]

You've had so many losses.  My sympathies to you.

 

I saw a "Loss of Parent" section here within this website.  And also, "Loss of Child" and "Miscarriage, Stillborn and Infant Loss".

 

in my life, I believe losses on top of losses can compound.  I believe loss can cause PTSD.

 

i know if's been a while since you posted.  I hope you are feeling better.

 

[Richard1111]

I don't know what to think about it. Somehow it convinces me a bit.

[KayC]

On 6/7/2022 at 6:33 AM, MiddledaughterDee said:

super beginner here, help

I don't see any more posts from you since then.  Thinking of you and hoping you are finding some help somewhere.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.