I feel like I killed my beloved mother.

[KarinBe]

Hi everyone, It´s been 9 years since my mom passed away, and I have had very difficult times with a lot of guilt over the way she died. It was my fault. I don´t know how I will ever be able to forgive myself. Here is my story:

My mother had been paralysed from a stroke and was living in a nursing home for 15 years. They called me one day to tell me that her pneumonia has gotten worse and the antibiotics didn´t help and this was it, there was nothing more they could do.

Having had a sick mother for 25 years( her first stroke happened when I was 16) I could not accept that suddenly she was going to die.

I know it sounds strange, but we had been through so many crises with her illness, that we just felt numb and chocked.. anyway, I went there, I live some 6 hours away by car, and I then stayed with her for 4 days. She was now bedbound but looked like she used to, only I noticed that her breathing sounded strange from time to time. The last day we had talked to the staff and begged them to try and give her liquids again because we felt they were giving up on her too easy. I know this sounds so absurd, I do not know how we could insist on this, but we were in such denial. They agreed to try, I wish they wouldn´t have done that.

My brother got hopeful and went home to his place during that day. When it was around 4 pm she started to breath quite fast, this continued and in the evening it has gotten a little worse. Though my mother was totally awake and alert. In the evening my aunt started to sit with her and i went to bed and around 11 pm we changed so I sat down beside my mother´s bed. Now her breathing was labored and very fast, like someone who had just finished a sprint race. She looked at me seriously. It was so hard to endure this breathing that I rang the nurse and asked for something to help my mom. (she had just gotten some morphine two days ago, so she wasn´t that used to it)

The nurse came back with an injection containing 7.5 mg morphine and some sedatives (in Sweden it´s named Stesolide). Maybe it calmed her breathing a tiny bit but she was still breathing so fast and deep with nasal flaring and chest indrawings. I panicked after half an hour and rang the nurse again and told her there was no change, maybe she needed some more? 

This is what caused my burden of gulit I now live with. The nurse said she could have some more, and went to prepare it. When she came back and my Mom understood what was going on, she tried to warn me, she looked staright into my eyes very seriously, like she said NO! and tried to draw her belly backwards when the nurse put the injection needle. I saw all of this but I couldn´t stop it for some reason! My mom had looked like that many times during her illness, and I have been persistent in many cases and in the end that made things easier for her and in some cases even prolonged her life. So I thought this time it was the same. Since the nurse agreed to more morphine to calm down the breathing, then she must have known best. Now I understand that that last injection killed my mother, she died 45 minutes later when I had gone to bed(!) and left her with a lady who worked there.

It was I who did this to her- her beloved daugher. My grief and gulit is beyond words, I feel I killed my mother and took away her last days and the long farewell from us, her kids. 

Please, if someone is reading this and you have some guidance or advice to give, I would be very grateful.

I killed my mother when she probably had some more days to live and my life has been a mess ever since. I have seen a lot of therapists and priests, but it always comes back and I don´t know how I can cope anymore.

Thanks for letting me share.

Hugs

Karin

 

[Kevin8988]

Dear KarinBe,

You gave your mom morphine with an intention to make your mom more comfortable, you did not kill her.  In fact you shorten her discomfort.  Many things happen beyond our control.  We can not gaurantee perfact outcomes for everything in life, but we can do our best to handle situations with  good intentions, and accept the outcomes with no regrets.

[KarinBe]

Dear Kevin8988, thank you so much for taking the time to answering my post. From what I have read later on, the breathing changes in the terminally ill, does not necessarily mean that they suffer, it is our caregivers who find it so stressful. Yes, I had good intentions, but was not sensitive for what my mom was trying to express. It would have been perfectly enough with the first injection, I can not understand how I could ask for more, how I could think that it would HELP her??

[Summersun]

Dear Karin,

thank you for posting here. It is very brave to share your feelings, and your post will help a lot of people who carry around similar feelings. So we are not helping you, you are helping us. The helplessness a lot of us feel caring for old people, mostly our parents, and not knowing much about it, since we did not train in it, is an important topic of discussion a lot of us need to have. So thanks for starting it here!

You say you have read about the last days of life. When did you read this? Before her death or after? You say later on. So you did not know this at her death. We cannot know these things as regular folks, we are neither nurses nor doctors. Example: My mom asked for water when she was dying. My father did not get this means she was dying. I read, like you LATER, that dying goes along with dehydration. But he went home, thinking she will live the next day. Big mistake. Can I blame him? no!

Also, I have the same experience with something happening so often in a long illness, that one is really really exhausted in the end. We kind of get care-burn-out. 25 years! You CAN NOT - for the name of god - be completely "in tune" with anyone for such a long time. Its like raising a child, only worse. Children learn stuff, parents get worse. So you were exhausted, sleep deprived, anxious. You probably needed support yourself from someone who would have understood your fears, and family members are often not the best, they have their own problems. (not to blame your brother). But you were fearing a loss that was about to happen. So that makes us anxious. Like someone waiting to hear about a terrible verdict from a court. We are then functioning on auto pilot, only in survival mode. reptile brain. Why do you think people run in front of a car by accident when they are super exhausted, from a fight or divorce or something. Our bodies have limits, and yours had been serving patiently and with devotion your beloved mother for A QUARTER OF A CENTURY! please, I beg you, try to give yourself some credit for at least that part.

What I understand is the part where you say " you could not stop it". That is what I mean by the exhaustion and something happening too often. MY mother was sick for a very long time too, and "produced" crisis after crisis for having no compliance for doctors orders. In the end, I became so "numb" to the signals, that I for "ONE DAY" did not listen to my gut feeling - the question in my belly - should I call her? But I was exhausted, and she never picked up. I missed her death. It had happened a thousand times. I think it is like it was with covid. Scientists say, people get used to war, pandemics, violence, everything. Because we cannot be afraid forever. Our nervous system would die if we were always afraid.

So assuming your interpretation - and we do not know that - of your mums expression was right. Even then your reaction would be normal because 1. - see above. And 2., An injection is really fast, as it happened in a second or two. How could you stop the nurse in that time? No chance!!! You need time to communicate with someone nonverbal, I suppose the nurse was done by then. It was impossible, and also a professionals responsibility, not yours.

But I want to question your interpretation, just for a thinking exercise, not to be arrogant. Your mom might have only had that expression because of the needle, not the medicine? I know I become very tight when I expect a shot.

Because morphines, from what I have heard, are make-you-feel-good drugs. Wrap you up as in a warm blanket. People crave that, and become addicted to it, like junkies. She might have just reacted to the touch etc. People sometimes become very sensitive when dying. My mom begged my dad to come visit before she died. She pushed hishand away the last day. It might be oversensitivity. She might have looked the exact same way if someone had turned or moved her or changed her pillow or something.

Just a suggestion, not to doubt your judgement.

Here are the two things I have learnt from my mum dying. a) we cannot know things beforehand, and we must learn to live with us being human. In Psychology there is even a phrase for that: Hindsight-error. We interpret things from the result, look back and assume we must have known. Like we are gods or something. If I get hit by a lightning tomorrow, should I look back to to today and assume that would happen? Should the pilots on 9/11 know their planes will be hijacked that day? We cannot know. But our brain, and that is tricky, knows the end of the story, and tells it to us, in an endless loop, so that it all makes sense. Then the guilt starts.

But:  it would do the same, if the planes had been hijacked on 10/11/2001. Do you see where that leads? Nowhere! Its brain chemistry. Our thinking needs to make sense of things. As humans we are storytellers. If we can find no other convincing reason or person who did it, then the blame goes back to us. Psycologists say, it is also a way of coping with the loss, to keep up the illusion we could have done something. Like putting us back in control, when death is uncontrollable and therefore hard to deal with. 

Do not blame yourself for the loop on top of it. Just notice when it starts, and try to say: "Oh, its you again" Just recognizing might change something longterm.

The problem is turning the knowledge into emotions in my experience. I have a similar story, only my mum might have lived much longer, I am unsure. 

But saying to you, your mum was only gonna live a day or two is no consolation for you, so I am not going there. Just know that some peoples parents might have lived a decade or so longer if doctors had not made a mistake! Someone overlooking blood poisining, as in my case, is not even a killer, but a negligent doctor.

It is important to be semantically right, I think to convince an overcritical brain: Your mum was for sure in the dying process anyway. That means, even in the worst case, the shot from the nurse might have shortened her life by 8 or 48 hours. There is absolutely no KILLING involved here, can you see that? Because she was almost taking her last breath.

Even if no family member had shown, she would have died. So please, take the label away from you. You might, on the other hand, have made her life a lot longer, by sitting with her. Ever thought that way? People alone die much faster. But you are no murderer. so please, free yourself and protest loudly, if the thought comes back to you.

I believe you comforted her. Morphines are like a sweet slumber, flying high. But my feelings are unimportant for you.

I think you might have an easier time, if maybe you tried approaches that work with your body. sometimes we cannot let go of a thought because it reactivated early trauma. Have you tried somatic experiencing? Massages? Tapping therapy?

[For the thoughts, The Work of Byron Katie can help, its not for everyone. She is sometimes pretty radical and not for the very sensitive, I think. But she recommends body work as well, to got along.]

If any of that physical work lets go of maybe some childhood trauma, the other stressful belief you hold might go indirectly. You know, we often feel responsible for our moms as kids. If they had a tough live, we want to "save" them. If their life ends like this then, it feels like our entire life failed. But it did not. You were - repeat - a great loving daughter for 25 years, plus long before she was even  ill.

So translating what we already know into emotions is our main job, I believe. I can often comprehend other peoples logic intellectually, but the emotions do not reach my heart. I know I need to focus more on my entire life, and my moms life, and our history together than just the end. I can also not grief her this way. Thats why I think I will also do body work the minute I have time and money for it.

I for one, also had a pretty strict mum, who was "no nonsense". So I learned, in part at least, to suppress my emotions. So how can I expect to funtion in just the right moment, when I was told "no fuss" all my life? You know, the older generation grew up more strict than even we did. They gave us what they did. But you were for sure, not asked everyday about your feelings, were you? So that is "training" we lack! And it was a second or two.

We do our best. And you know, that is always good enough.

Feel free to always come here. Even if nothing I say makes sense, there are other people. Please know you are wanted and needed on this planet, even if everything feels like there is only despair sometimes. Call on us. Every day, if you need to. There are so many folks for whom nothing makes sense anymore here. We are your crowd, we understand!

Best of luck! summersun

[KarinBe]

Dear Summersun, thank you so much for replying to my post. I am deeply moved and very grateful for your words.  Love

Karin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Karin,

I'm so sorry and I too have these feelings about my dad's passing and I find it extremely difficult to let go of the guilt.  I find no matter what anyone says and or how kindly or often, I still torture myself. I wish so much things could be different. Please know you did everything you could and were the most loving and kind and thoughtful daughter. I read that only good people feel guilty. Please try and be kind and gentle to yourself. All we can do now is try to live each day the best we can and honor our parents' memory in this way. 

My thoughts are with you. x

 

[KarinBe]

Dear reader, tI´m so sorry that you also experience guilt around your parent´s death.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you peace too.

Love

Karin

[Summersun]

Karin,

thanks for your words. We can only lean on each other now. We are starting a support group. Over zoom. Please go to the "zoom group" thread. Would be great if you joined us. Have a good day! Much love to Sweden!

[Summersun]

Karin,

I have thought about your story again. You know what I think would help possibly also? If you ased someone working in a hospice, doctor or nurse who have seen hundreds of people die. Because, and here comes my thinking: I find it entirely possible that you have tortured yourself over something that was a total misconception.

I talked to my aunt, who held my uncle when he died. His breathing was speeding up. So it was the case with my stepsister. I think, and I am no doctor, that your mum might have been ready to go within that hour - no matter what. 

The only mistake I can see here, is the nurse not telling you to stay in that very moment. So that you could be with her. Because she must have known the signs.

The intense look your mummy gave you might have been the shear fact that she knew she was about to leave this planet. All of us have never died before and we do not know how to do it. So yes, it might be a bit intense, to know, "I am not making it much longer", and then you are so helpless in your bed... Would you not try to connect with your daughter, just like we are afraid whenever we do something we have never done before?

I think it is entirely possible, she was already on her way out, and that is a bit stressful... not so easy to let go....

So the little medicine might have had zero effect, or on the contrary helped her to relax a little, so she could, in fact -  and good for her - finally let go.

(people say, no ono goes before they have given their consent, but one has to make that decision).

To actually take someone to the other side, by force of a shot, you would need a much stronger medication I believe. The stuff that puts bulls and elephants into a slumber at the vet. [ Imagine what a bull weighs. 600+kg. Not like your tiny mummy.]

Like I said, I am no doctor. But I cannot rule out either that this was a complete coincedence, given how other people are described when they die. And some folks want to die alone, so it could be she waited for you to leave. Heard that part  lot of times before. People sit for weeks in the hospital. Go to pee. It´s over. Because it is easier to let go alone, for some of us apparently. (or not with those we are closest to).

I do not want to impose my thoughts. It is just a suggestion. But try it on, like a new glove. It´s gonna be hard to change your thinking after all this time. So if the ego resists the thought, that you might be pure and innnocent as an angel, that is also normal. We "become" our thoughts. So to change the course of your "self -identity" - from "I am the one that caused her harm" - to " I am a perfectly helpful and supportive daughter" is a stretch. Go easy on yourself. But maybe all those therapists knew nothing about dying and morphine. so maybe other people can help you better, like in a hospice.

Also, I heard EMDR is great for those of us who master every talk, because our heads think very fast. Turn to the body if that feels right. It can outsmart your fast brain.

zoom group is Sunday 6pm

All the best, summersun

 

 

[KarinBe]

Dear Summersun, thank you so so much, I am so very grateful for your words, helping me with the perspective and trying to give me support.<3

It´s just that she was totally awake and alert that night, just breathing fast about 50 respirations per hour. I did not feel she gasped for air, it was more like her body had become one loud breathing machine. It was so stressful to watch. I was afraid the breathing would make her heart stop, what I later learned was that tha´s the only way she could breath, without the rapid pace there wouldn´t be a drive.

I have thought about it later on, that I´m not sure she was in pain, but of course it must have been hurting the intestinals to breath like that for many hours. It was more I, a panicking daughter, that assumed so.

Thank you very much for the zoom-invite, what a great idea, I will definately try and make it.

All the best to you.

Karin

[Traz]

Dear Karin,

If there's one thing I have experience in, it's guilt. I've had guilt over different things - what I didn't do, what I should have done...etc. It's so exhausting. 

If you intended to kill your mom then you should have guilt. If your intent was to help her then you are free from that burden. Behind everything we do is our intent and our motives. I believe that is how we are judged in a kind of karmic sense. What matters is our intention behind our actions. There is no stopping our time when we are meant to go. I really believe that. 

Your mom loves you,  she wouldnt want you to keep carrying this around. 

I hope that helps. Xo 

[KarinBe]

7 hours ago, Traz said:

Dear Karin,

If there's one thing I have experience in, it's guilt. I've had guilt over different things - what I didn't do, what I should have done...etc. It's so exhausting. 

If you intended to kill your mom then you should have guilt. If your intent was to help her then you are free from that burden. Behind everything we do is our intent and our motives. I believe that is how we are judged in a kind of karmic sense. What matters is our intention behind our actions. There is no stopping our time when we are meant to go. I really believe that. 

Your mom loves you,  she wouldnt want you to keep carrying this around. 

I hope that helps. Xo 

Dear Traz,

Thank you so much for responding to my post. I´m sorry that you too have experienced this terrible feeling of guilt.

I have been thinking, what if some part of me saw her breathing like that, and felt, this isn´t right, we should not try and save her (we had talked to the doctor and the nurse and they had agreed that same day to try and save her, they later admitted that they just said that for our sake(!) and that they never believed teher was any chance) so suddenly everything was back to almost normal.

But when I saw her breathing like that that night, I just had this feeling of "I can´t endure this any longer, SHE shouldn´t have to endure this any longer, trying to save her is not fair to her."

I had so many mixed emotions, I felt my usual "I must save her, it is my responsibility to fix things here", then the feeling I mentioned above. I also remebered thinking I didn´t dare to tell her "goodnight, sleep well", what if she will die tonight, the second later thinking that I thought "Oh no, I don´t believe that she will pass this night".

What if I was so confused and emotional blocked that night that I on some subconsious lever helped my mother die??!

Maybe this is why the guilt won´t let go of me after 9 years...I hope this is not true. But nevertheless, I feel like a terrible person.

And I was always helping her, always showed her my love....

[Traz]

You're not a terrible person, you're human. You did not and do not possess the power to make someone die. No matter what you think in your head. I remember when my Dad was dying, there were points when I thought "just go.. please" It is human to not want to go through pain and suffering - for yourself and the people you love. Thoughts are not actions. Remember that. 

[KarinBe]

Thank you, Traz. You are right. Though my action, calling the nurse, asking for more (although I didn´t understand the severity of the morphine),My Mom signaling "I can´t take no more", so one can say my action and me not listening to mother caused thids dreadful situation.

I didn´t mean any harm, but the opposite! But having the answer now, hindsight terror...

[foreverhis]

On 6/7/2022 at 1:41 AM, KarinBe said:

Now her breathing was labored and very fast, like someone who had just finished a sprint race.

Hello.  I have no idea at all what made me open your thread.  I lost my parents 23 (dad) and 12 (mom) years ago.  I carry no guilt for either, but I carry guilt for my husband's death.  In the past 4 years, I have learned to ask for forgiveness for the things I could or should have done better, accept that there were things over which I had no control, and live with and accept the realities.

My husband died in the hospital of advanced metastatic cancer.  There were so many choices we and I had to make.  And so many things we and I didn't know.  We had to go by what the professionals told us and the research we did ourselves.  I accept that toward the end, he kept fighting because I wanted him to and because he couldn't bear to leave me and our girls.  I wish I had asked him sooner, "Do you want to go home, love?" (hospice care) and "Do you want to stop fighting?"

I mention these things to give you a little background because I want to address specifically what I quoted above.  In his last few days, my husband's breathing became rapid and shallow.  I'd say, "Take a calm, deep breath, honey," and he would try--but he mostly couldn't.  His nurses were amazing, simply wonderful, and one of them took my aside to explain to me that his shallow, rapid breathing was caused by his body's inability to bring enough oxygen into his bloodstream.  The body automatically starts taking rapid, shallow breaths in order to combat that.  Lung infections or cancer, asthma, and heart/organ failure can all cause it.  It can lead to respiratory acidosis and blood chemistry imbalance.

I don't have any idea if that's what was happening with your mom.  What I do know is that you went by what the medical professionals told you and their actions.  Is it at all possible that your mom wasn't saying, "No," but rather "I'm afraid" and that she knew her body was failing?  I swear that there was a change in my sweet husband in his last 48 hours as if he could feel things shift inside himself and knew the end was near.

In my opinion, you did nothing wrong and you did not cause your mother's death.  Her failing health caused her death.  Attempts to ease her symptoms may have contributed, but you are not to blame.  I'm sorry these years have been so painful for you.  I can't imagine having my mom's health deteriorate when I was just a teenager.  You showed great strength and courage, as far as I can see.  Please try to remember that you always did your best for her.