Forgetting my person? Staying connected..

[Mackieless]

Hi, all.  I have appreciated beyond words the loving and honest presence of each of you on this board.  It feels absolutely true that this is something only another person who has been through it can grasp, though even then we all walk our own grief journey.

My husband died 38 days ago from a rare cancer.  Yes, I am still counting days; primarily because I cannot seem to grasp this absolute final Gone-ness.  Right now every breath is hard.  I try not to think.  I am 53, he was 68.

  I know how to help myself and others, and I thought because we have been dealing with this for so long, I was "prepared"  Ha.  There is NO preparation for this losing of a kindred soul.  We talked a lot about spirit and love's ability to keep us connected after his death.  I am suffering now with the feeling that I am somehow failing, or doing it "wrong" because all I feel is sad, lost, shattered. So alone.  (I am not alone, just don't have him)

I wonder about what those of you who are futher down the road might say about my fears that I am already forgetting him?  I tell myself this is early grief and the shock and sadness is a veil over my memory.  I hope that is true.

I am lucky that we had all the time to say goodbye.  His death was good, and of that I have no regrets.  We had 20 years of nurturing, evolving and deep, deep spiritual connection and love.  I know how lucky I am for all of this.  But my heart is so broken, my mind so childlike in its inability to grasp it.  I want to feel him with me, like we talked about (and rarely now I do).  Mostly all I feel is devastated, and unsure about what life means now.  Forgetting any part of it feels like death all over again, daily

 

[KayC]

24 minutes ago, Mackieless said:

There is NO preparation for this

Exactly.  Even with anticipatory grief, the finality hits, the shock sets in.  

 

25 minutes ago, Mackieless said:

I wonder about what those of you who are futher down the road might say about my fears that I am already forgetting him?

I assure you that is highly unlikely...come Father's Day it will be 17 years since I lost my George.  I haven't forgotten anything!  What you are going through is likely temporary, grief fog.  Yes, our hearts are broken and we love and miss them the rest of our lives.  Eventually we get more accustomed to being alone, but never was this our preference.  I've learned so much on my journey, more than in the rest of my life put together, it's changed me, in some way enriched me even as now I don't get caught up in the little stuff, I know what's important, I've learned to appreciate more fully...but I'd trade it all in a heartbeat to have five more minutes back with him!  Who of us wouldn't.

II am so sorry for your loss, sorry it hurts so much, sorry for everything you are going through.  I AM glad you found this place, it is good to have somewhere that people "get it" and understand.  We're all going through this together, regardless of where we live or how unique we all are.  We welcome you and hope you'll continue to come here to read/post.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Mackieless said:

I wonder about what those of you who are futher down the road might say about my fears that I am already forgetting him?  I tell myself this is early grief and the shock and sadness is a veil over my memory.  I hope that is true.

All of this has been so mind-boggling and as you say with no preparation for the sheer hell we're going to experience. In my own darkness, I keep wondering about all the millions and millions of those before us who went through grief and loss after spouses and partners died and just how they continued on. Why aren't we more aware of just how devastating an experience this is? It always sounded horrible to me but in our society, we see people pull through seemingly unharmed and unshaken and they carry on. It pervades in our culture that two or three weeks are needed and then we somehow magically recover. What a myth!

But the notion of forgetting our person is something that I've been dwelling upon from when @William M created the same topic a few weeks ago. At times, I've caught myself feeling the same way but I think what is happening is that the intensity of our grief is fading. It's a bit hard to describe but in those first few weeks after Tom passed away, every moment that I had with him seemed to have flashed vividly in my head. Every walk, every dinner, every shopping trip, every outdoor event we went to, road trips, etc....it all was just there. Before his death, those memories were there as well but all in the back of my mind...like drawers of files of memories that could be opened if needed. When he was taken from me, it's like the drawers flew open, the memories were tossed in the air, and I frantically grabbed at every precious moment in desperation to blanket myself in protection.

As the weeks progressed and some of the shock wore off, maybe what's happened is that I've been able to organize the memories, put them safely back into their files and have closed the drawers as they were before. They're there. There's no forgetting. Maybe with the intensity of the loss dissipating, it feels like we're forgetting but maybe we're...or at least I... am now calmer with Tom's absence and my treasure of memories. Although, having said that, I'm now 98 days into this and yesterday was a very bad day with me missing him with all my heart. Likely, those sparks of vivid moments where we're definitely not forgetting bring back the intensity of the loss.

Not sure if any of this made sense but it did feel kinda good trying to explain and understand it for myself. I am so sorry for the significant loss of your husband. Here is the link to the topic that I mentioned with some interesting thoughts on it...

 

[PLin]

In many ways I think it is our sacred duty to ourselves (especially) and also to our departed loved ones to gradually find a way forward. We are alive (although I understand there are moments of despair when we wish we weren't). In the quiet moments (and there are many of them) I think about moving forward. What will it look like? I don't have an answer yet. It's been four months and there is no timeline. What can I do with my own life to make it satisfying and worthwhile? Fun? Pleasant? I don't want to sit here and reflect on a life of no hope. Of perpetual loss. Ted is always telling me to grow into a new reality without him. He knows who I was and he wants that for me again. I think by moving towards that, even in tiny increments is how I honour his memory.  

[Mackieless]

Thank you all for your thoughts. 

My husband was very patient, and methodical.  An artist and a mystic  He always told me that I needed to practice patience.  I agree, and am focusing on that.  But not too well 😂 as I can hear him now saying that I am pushing too hard, trying to get myself out of NOW.  Yeah I am, now sucks.

Part of that push is, as you mention PLin, my desire to do something with the rest of my life that honors Les.   I want to get back to the dance with the universe, instead I feel like I am out of synch and disconnected   All this love I feel for him, in this world with so much pain- I hope to get to a place where I can do more with all of this extra time to help.  But forgot, I am here.  Thank you all for being here in it with me

.. 

[Ronni_W]

On 6/2/2022 at 8:47 AM, Mackieless said:

[...] I am suffering now with the feeling that I am somehow failing, or doing it "wrong" because all I feel is sad, lost, shattered. So alone.  (I am not alone, just don't have him)

I wonder about what those of you who are futher down the road might say about my fears that I am already forgetting him?  I tell myself this is early grief and the shock and sadness is a veil over my memory.  I hope that is true.

Dear Mackieless,

It won't really help to be told that you are not "failing" at all. But and so, with that in mind...please indulge me while I tell you that you are not failing at all. <weak smile + BIG hug>.

From my own experience -- my Dad died 50 years ago -- it is pretty much *impossible* for us to actually forget the people we used to love...because I still do remember (and love) my Dad exactly the same today as I did way back then.  I would still today have him alive than dead. 50 years later.     But this period here, where our memory is somehow shocked/traumatized into not being too acute about them. Well. It does depend how is best for you to look at it ("best" only so far as, and in context of, you being able to just get through it. We could say that it is "a Blessing", or we could say that it is our neural network doing its proper job and functioning properly. Either way, for me, I just take it as me (or the metaphysical part and/or the physical/biological part of me) working for me, to just keep me 'afloat and sane and functioning'.  (My Dad died 50 years ago; my mom, a year ago; my husband, 21 months ago.  But it's only my loss of my husband that I really can't grasp with my head, or heart, or Soul.     I was just going over my journal entries from when I first found out that he had died; and...well...I don't at all feel "further down the road" than I was 21 months ago.     BUT. We do keep going, don't we. I wrote down words like "profoundly broken, devastated, gutted, shocked, bereft, lost, lonely, alone, sad, hurt, crushed, heartbroken, terrified".  We somehow find a way to do keep going., BUT.  We do not forget them.)

When it's going to be okay, I strongly feel that you will start to feel him again. (I don't know, of course, but I feel.) I'm also working on this, for myself. But I think that, in the meantime, it's okay if we just know without actually 'feeling', they are, nevertheless, with us. (I'm sorry...I suck at this...trying to convey something that will be comforting or helpful or useful. Or comforting at all - I know that there isn't anything.)

Love and hugs, Ronni

Edited June 5, 2022 by Ronni_W
To be more clear

[KayC]

Along these lines...
Continuing Bonds - rituals
Continuing Bonds - WYG
Continuing Relationships
Thinking About Continuing Bonds | Psychology Today
What Is Continuing Bonds Theory in Bereavement? | Cake Blog