Lost a taken for granted brother

[Cheesetart85]

My brother was alcoholic but it never interefere with his activities of daily living..he would finish everything before he starts drinking.he wakes up early too..but he has no job and leaves with my mom..we give financial support to mom but not to him.he never complains to us though..i try to give him stuff like ipad and laptop and  ut my sister keeps on taking it away from him.my brother is a shy and quiet type..never complains even if he is in pain or he is not feeling well.when he died i was on a vacation in florida.i was shocked because i know he wasnt ill..when i went home i found out that days before it happens he was starting to hallucinate..talking about out of this world topic..the sad part is we didnt know that..his friends knows but didnt feel the need to tell us. The morning that he died he had a fall and mom tried to help him get up..he said he was okay..mom told.him not to go back to his bed since he clearly is not stable..mom asked him to stay in the living room..mom then proceeded to do her morning routine..then she went to my brother to tell him to eat breakfast..brother was already blue but still awake..mom ran to aunts house..then they tried to call my other brother and waited for him to come..what pains me was it took 20mins.and nobody decided to just take my brother straight to hospital..

Im blaming mom because i think she could have done more..when brother fell she could have notice that something isreally wrong..i never dare to blame her vocally though..i think losing my brother is already painful enough for her..she doesnt need me to blame her too..then i blamed my dead dad for allowing it to happen, which is absurd.and lastly,i blamed myself..im a nurse i should have called him every week..he could have told me or i could have catch it earlier.

Now 2 years have passed.i still cant accept him neing gone..i have major depressive  disorder and general anxiety disorder now..and insomnia..i dont sleep anymore..i am taking a bunch of pills that's suppose to relax me and help me sleep..all it did is give me a headache.

Every night i cry because i know we all took him for granted..i realized we never bought him a cake for his birthday.now,that he is dead we are all buying cake for him.but it's already too late.

[reader]

Dear Cheesetart85,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is deeply painful to look back. Please know we all do this and it's part of our grief. None of us can know what the future will hold. We all do the best we can each day. I hope you will consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a grief support group. I also found these websites helpful in coping with my grief.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Recovery Method

Thinking of you. x