I just wanted to tell my story before I disappear

[khunkao]

I lost my father a little over two months ago.    He was admitted for low blood pressure after spending just one night at home from another hospital stay and now they were administering medication to boost his numbers.   He was already diagnosed over six months earlier with congestive heart failure and his heart's efficiency factor had dropped to low percentages.   On top of that he was fighting water accumulation, swollen lower limbs and circulatory disease which left parts of his foot necrotic.   The diuretic worked for the most part to shed the excess liquid, but the constant laying down on the hospital bed caused the blood circulation to slow to the limbs.   It was a catch-22 situation.  He had a horrid temperament when it came to medical matters.   He battled against the doctors that tried to warn him months earlier to have stents placed around his heart, he battled against doctors that tried to do an angioplasty in the leg artery to open up circulation.   It was only through days or coaxing and pleading I was finally able to convince him to go for the second angio in the leg, but by that time it was already starting to blacken.   I knew it was just a one-way street from that point forward.   Amputation of some sort was going to have to happen.   He was incredibly stubborn and the resistance he put up had cost him his toes and most likely time needed to take care of the blockages around the heart.  

Now on his return to the cardiac care unit, as I pleaded with the doctors to do something with his heart, they all shook their heads.   His condition was just too frail for anything that would put him under.   Only the dopamine and dobutamine would keep him alive.   I spent a good chunk of Feb-March of this year tending to him every single day at the hospital.   Like all the other times, he was loud and he was tough and I honestly had confidence he was going to pull through.   Loud and tough was what kept him alive all these years since my mother passed back in '95.  I said gnite to him on the evening before I headed home.   Although he had displayed what they called "hospital delirium" with bouts of nonsensical shouting and ranting, he had calmed down somewhat and managed to sound intelligible.   He even ate some good ol' fashioned asian cuisine.   It was loaded with salt but it was something.   For days, he spent his time laying there refusing to eat or drink anything.   His body, I knew, was slowing down and requiring fewer and fewer calories.   His bowel movements had stopped and had to be induced with suppositories.  Even when the palliative care people came to talk to me and the head cardiac physician came to deliver the somber news, that he may not get any better and that they were going to have to wean him slowing off the medication due to the side effects to the heart - I still had hope and confidence.    

So you can understand why when I said gnite I had no reason to suspect anything was amiss.   That same evening sometime after midnight my mobile rang and he was on the other end ranting incoherently about me wanting to put him into a nursing home.   I told him he was just having a bad dream.   I heard the nurse chuckling in the background and I told him to go back to sleep.   In the morning, I called him again to see how he was doing.   Understand he had lost all ability on how to use the cell phone I had given him so I had to set the phone there to auto-pickup.   One ring and the phone answers and I spoke with him briefly.   He told me the asian stuff I fed him gave him a bit of bloating and he simply said he'll talk to me more when I get there.   Around 30 min later my phone rings again, on the other end the nurse informed me he was gone.   I screamed at her demanding to know what the hell happened.   I was just speaking to him, it couldn't be but it was.   I was informed that he had verbally consented to a DNR.  It was confusing for me since I have always told anyone that approached me I was the proxy for him.    But he consented to a DNR without my knowledge and because of that they all stood by idly while his heart slowed and stopped.  

When I got there I cried my eyes out.   I cradled his head, it still felt warm to the touch.   I blamed the staff there for just letting him die, for doing nothing.   For anything I could think of.   I blamed them for causing him distress.   He had expressed a renewed will to live I told them.   The worst part of it all was that he had finally met my wife who was standing by my side, something I never told him while he was alive.   You see, she was somebody I brought up to him over ten years ago and because of a huge disapproval and argument that ensued i wed her in secrecy.   It was the most heinous thing I could do, the most taboo because in my father's eyes I was single and a loser with no life, no kids of my own.  He wanted grandchildren and I wanted the woman I loved but in order to tell him the truth it would risk a fracture in the family.  I remained in this stalemate for years and years until it was too late to tell him.   That made me cry even harder.  

When he was alive he always said that once he died, I would be the only one left in the world.   Like a withering tree, the family would become extinct.   I had no siblings.   My father had a brother who passed long ago with no children.   His sister lived until the ripe old age of 99 before she passed and her descendent married off and lived in Asia.  We had no connection or relation to them.   My mother's side, my uncles and cousins are all estranged from us following the death of my mother in 1995.   I was essentially alone.  You might say my wife qualifies as family but if we are talking about true blood relation, there's no one.   The funeral wake was probably the saddest to behold.   Just the two of us plus a tiny contingent of visitors I had personally called and informed.   No more than 10.   My father lived big, talked loud but his stubbornness, his controlling personality and unwillingness to compromise and yield left him nearly destitute in friends and family.   It left me practically single in the years I had tried to date women, only to have them all leave me because of my home life peculiarities.   Every person I ever knew from school is at step 10 of their lives, family, kids, etc.   I am not even at step 2.   My wife, lovely as she is, decided in the previous few years that kids weren't the thing for her.   I can't help to think had my father consented over ten years earlier, when we were both very happy and much younger, we'd have some kids right about now and he would have died a happier person instead of in a cold sterile room in his sleep.

I granted my father's last wish, that is to have my mother moved to a better spot so they could be together.   Not willing to make that same mistake, I am seriously considering to purchase the next spots to them for my final resting place.  

This is rather long-winded but I hope to let the air out, to have some form of closure.   My heart still aches daily.   I have all his voicemails and I replay they all the time.   He would yell at me and I yell back but there is no response.   I visit my childhood home, his home, walk through the door and I am greeted with darkness and silence.  The once bustling home of three people was now a tomb.   A mausoleum of memories.   I carry on my tasks as a dutiful son, with offerings and worship rituals like he taught me.   It's not an exact replica of what he did but it'll have to do.   I don't know how long I can do this or how long I have in this world.   All I know is the only thing that keeps me going is work and my wife.  There's a ton of things to do with our assets.   I have to sell off the unused medical equipment I purchased in preparation for home use but now lay useless in a box.  I shout at the walls, I shout at the ground and I shout at the heavens but I know he is never coming back.  I hope to help, whoever is reading this, to not make the same mistake I did and live a life of sadness and regret as I have,   It is never too late to make things right. 

 

[Traz]

Dear Khunkao,

What did you mean you wanted to tell your story before you disappeared? I hope you are okay. ♡

I'm really sorry to read about your Dad - he seemed like a larger than life figure but also maybe a little bit controlling with regard to your life? I'm so sorry he felt that way about the woman you loved and I can't imagine having to wed in secret. You have been a loyal son and it sounds like he could be challenging at times. You did your besr for him. If he wanted a DNR, I suppose that was his choice. Maybe he had just had enough of his pain and suffering? I know that's very hard to accept, especially when you had the decision-making responsibility for his health. I understand your shock and pain and I am sorry. 

There are many people writing on this website who are the only remaining members of their nuclear family. You are not alone that way and there may be support networks out there (other than this site) who can offer understanding and help. 

I'm glad that you have your wife and together you can have a happy and fulfilled life. With or without children. Keep reaching out to people, expand your circle as much as you can. Friends can become like family and last a lifetime. I know its not the same thing, but it is better than being alone in this world. Volunteering and helping others helps me in my grief sometimes. 

I hope you find peace and realize that you did all you could have done for your dad. Xo.

[khunkao]

Thanks for your concern but I'm not sure if I am ever going to be ok.  On the outside in public I manage to put on a brave face that makes it look like I'm ok but after the day is done and work is finished, I am again left to my own imagination.   Some of those thoughts are filled with a bit of hope, perhaps opening the front door and seeing the familiar silhouette of my dad sitting on his bed, and then comes the sullen realization that it's truly over.   This is what I replay in my mind every day.   I've got nobody so there are many times I feel like what is the point?   The scant few friends I have or had are too distant and out of touch.   In the streets, I walk by people laughing and engaging but I feel invisible and hollow.   None of the things we do or have done have any relevance but only to this tiny speck of blue we call Earth sitting alone in the vast expanse of nothingness.   This is no higher level or consciousness afterwards, no further knowledge to be gained.   These are the thoughts I have as I pore through my dad's things and toss them out.   In the end, all this stuff, all this means nothing.      

[Traz]

Dear Khunkao,

You only lost your Dad two months ago and these are the rawest, most painful days in your grief journey. I hate to repeat cliches, but time will show you places and moments of peace. I have felt like you, regarding feeling like I'll never be okay. Losing the most important people in your life can do that to you. I also feel like I will never be who I was before I lost my Mom and Dad. Both were hard, but my Mom's death was the most recent and it has been a complicated grief so far. 

I'm glad you have your wife at least to share your pain. Does she have family and friends you could reach out to? Grief can make you question so many things and existential issues are something I think we all grapple with. To have a life, to live and love and have it extinguished leaves us reeling with a sense of pointlessness and that there is no meaning to anything. 

I don't know why, but I got comfort (and still do) from watching Near Death Experience documentaries on YouTube. Dr. Bruce Greyson has some very interesting research on this topic and one in particular that made me feel hopeful was The Near Death Experience of Jeffrey Olsen. I'm not particularly religious and these things brought me peace in my difficult moments. 

Everyone has their own belief systems though and I know not everyone is into NDE's or the 'afterlife.'  I would encourage you to keep reaching out either here or to a support group in your area. I am sending you compassionate thoughts and hope for better days ahead. 

 

[Sad Son]

Dear Khun Kao,

I am so sorry for your loss.

I understand much of what you expressed in your post.  it is just heart breaking.  I am finding now, with the recent loss of my Mom and Dad (both last month) that I will never be the same.  I am connected to my grief and sadness in many complicated ways.  As strange as it sounds, when I feel that deep, deep sadness for my Mom, I feel better once I have gone through it.  To me, it is a reminder of how much I truly, truly loved her.  Not miss her (of course I do miss her) but how much I still do LOVE her right now.  So, I feel closer to her in those moments.  She is gone, passed away.  But in my deepest sadness, I am nearer to her.  She is there with me in full detail.  And, I know she is there with me in spirit, looking down on me in those most difficult moments I am having.

I am different now.  i am changed, and these waves of sadness wash over me.  I accept these as badges of love for those who have passed.  I would encourage you to remember your Dad for his best qualities.  None of us are perfect, but he must have done quite a few things right to have raised a son who loves his father as deeply as you do.

[Sarahismymom]

I understand a lot of what’s being said. I lost my mom in September. I didn’t have another person that I was as close to. I shared everything with her & never really built other strong relationships. I’ve lost a lot of weight, albeit mostly due to stress. This was a goal be had for years and mom would be proud. I used to plan my workouts out for each day. I still do that but I just though how little that matters now. I don’t have mom to share these experiences with. It’s all so empty. 
 

I have interests that I used to throw myself into but now, it just feels pointless. I’m typing this at work surrounded by coworkers and I just want to cry my eyes out. I have to try for mom though. I know she would want that.  She would expect me to keep going. I sometimes think she didn’t understand how much she meant to me.  I know I’m rambling because I always do when I post here. I guess I have an idea how you feel. 

[khunkao]

@Sarahismymom - I am just the same.   The company of coworkers may help to ease the loneliness somewhat, then hearing of their plans to vacation with family or getting whisked away somewhere for the weekend, just makes you feel so self-aware.   I didn't go many places, I am not a traveler.   My dad was a huge part of my life.   You could say my life was his life.  I ran errands for him, took him to the doctor, shopped for him, spoke and argued on his behalf.   Now, other than the temporary solace of work that keeps my mind preoccupied, there's not much else for me to do.   

@Sad Son - I appreciate your sympathy.   I was always closest to my Mom growing up.   My Dad would bicker like cats and dogs, never fully seeing eye to eye.   He'd always accuse me of being cold-hearted and was somewhat verbally and physically abusive too.   In the end however, I think even he knew I was never that sort of person as I went all out for him for years, acting as his eyes and ears and feet.   In the last weeks of his hospital stay, I was there every moment until visiting hours were over.   I spent hours there, using the hospital's WiFi trying to juggle between work and home life.   My physical condition likely suffered because of the constant lack of proper nutrition and hydration.   My old man has some good and bad qualities.  He was a learned person, scholarly even to the point of narcissism.   But ultimately it was likely the stubborness that cost him valuable time to correct his own life.   I knew just how incorrigible he would be, that he would not heed the advice of the legions of cardio specialists that approached him,   I just never thought it would be like this, so quick and so soon,   Just slipped away.   

@Traz - My wife has a cadre of people in her family and no shortage of her friends.   To me however, I am a stranger to them and they are strangers to me.   I feel like an outsider.   Like I don't belong.   It's a weird feeling but it is what it is.   They are fiercely Christian, devoutly religious and I am agnostic/atheist.   It doesn't mean I don't believe in the essence or spiritual aspects of life.   I have not seen that series on YouTube but I am familiar with the alleged phenomena of NDEs and astral OOBEs etc.   I've always been a skeptical believer of sorts of that sort of stuff.   I would probably dismiss it all I suppose were it not for the fact that my old man, in the days leading up to his end, did talk about "traveling" to another world and often seeing things and people in the room that were not there.   The same symptom happened to my mother whenever we'd walk into the ICU.   I guess to hear your own family member describe things like that might seem peaceful or alarming, depending on your cultural beliefs or perspective.   

[reader]

Dear khunkao,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I am so sorry for your loss.  Everything you've expressed has resonated with me. I too wanted to save my dad and tried so hard for him. It's been almost 6 years and I still wish things could have been different. Please know we are with you.