Sudden Loss of my partner and I’m 7 weeks pregnant

[Caitlynharrah97]

My partner of 6 years passed away last week. I’m feeling extremely lost and unsure of where to go from here. I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I don’t know how to be excited for the pregnancy anymore. I can’t share the small milestones with him. He was so excited for the baby. I’m struggling with finding reasons to continue on without him. I know this baby is a huge reason. But I feel so guilty saying at the moment, it doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t know anyone else who has been through this and i feel completely alone. I miss him so much I don’t know what to do.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine losing your partner so young, but yes, there are others here who have, and others having babies and young children to raise alone.  I hope you have family close by.

Yes, the baby is reason to continue..  You will feel it more in time, right now it's all so fresh and such a shock, you don't know where to start or how to do this, oh God, I remember...it's been 17 years now but I remember that early time like it just happened.  We never forget it.  I didn't know how I'd do one week without him!  How could the sun go on shining without him in it! 

Here is my first post after finding a grief forum when he died:
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/574-my-love-left-at-748-sat-night/?do=findComment&comment=1879

If anyone would have told me I'd still be here, surviving all these years later...but here I am.  Growing old alone.  It wasn't our plan, but it is what it is.  I've done it by taking one day at a time, I do that still.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[PLin]

Caitlyn,

So sorry hear about your loss. It is just brutal to have to face the grief of losing a loved one. My heart goes out to you.

Please try to take care of your physical and emotional well-being as much as you possibly can (I know it will be hard and seem almost impossible) but you have a beautiful little life growing inside you who is also a living part of your beloved partner. What an amazing gift, even though it may not seem like that in the midst of incredible sadness. Focus on as much self-care as you can manage and accept care from anyone else who offers it to you.

Much love to you at this incredibly difficult time. 

Lin

 

[tnd]

On 5/26/2022 at 7:22 PM, Caitlynharrah97 said:

I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I don’t know how to be excited for the pregnancy anymore.

I am very sorry for your loss. What you are going through is terrible and I'm sorry for your pain. When I was young, I had a friend who was basically in your shoes. I was moving away but she had, what I thought, a good support system with family and other friends. I could not imagine going through something like this. Your emotions about the baby seem understandable but very sad. You should be able to enjoy the baby, I'm sorry so much has been taken from you. If you can, try to take it one day at a time and do what makes you comfortable and try to rest. I'm sure your baby will be glad to meet you after it has been born. The baby will need your love and hopefully the touch of the baby and a grin and a coo will help comfort you and see you through things. For now, I would just rest and wait for the baby while mourning the loss of your partner. Keep posting when you feel the need. There are a lot of good listeners here and people who are willing to talk. It's a good support group so keep us in mind.