I'm only 55, what do I do now?

[Maplessharon]

I had a horrible first marriage and was glad when it ended in divorce.  After a couple of years of working on myself, I headed back out into the dating pool.  I tried online dating when it was relatively new and met this really interesting man.  He was kind, sweet, funny, and honest.  A wonderful man.  I fell in love with him quickly, he took a little longer. After 6 years together we got married. We had a wonderful life.  Don't get me wrong we had money problems and both of us wrestled with health issues but we faced them together.  I would get all worked up and worried but he was calm and knew it would all work out. Then, about a year ago he started to get sick.  He had trouble breathing,  He had to have surgery and never really recovered,  He was in and out of hospital and rehab. Then, on Christmas day he fell and broke his hip. As a nurse, I knew this was not good, but I hoped his relatively young age of 62 would help him avoid the associated health issues.  It didn't. After a few months, he developed pneumonia and passed away from multi-drug-resistant pneumonia.  But now, what do I do? He was the love of my life? We didn't have kids and I'm alone. I go home every night to silence. I have become the third wheel. When people talk about him it's with that sad, sorry voice.  I want to talk about him when he was funny and silly, about the joy in his life.  Everyone asks how I am, but I don't know. Half of me is gone. He was my rock, my strength so how do I now cope? Everyone says I'm so strong but they don't see me lying on the bed crying so strong I can't breathe and screaming because I have no other outlet for the emotions I'm going through. I'm lost.

[Diane R. E.]

Maplessharon; I am so very sorry for your loss. Our stories are quite similar so I fully understand what you are going through (although everyone's grief journey is unique). It has been one year and a half since my husband passed away and I still wrestle with overwhelming emotions. However, the sharp edges of grief have softened a little, mostly thanks to the people on this forum. You can talk about your husband all you want here; we would love to hear about his humor and his joy in life. When others tell us how strong we are, I believe they mean well, but they likely have not experienced this type of loss. I too, cried so hard when alone that it did take my breath away. But I'm still putting one foot in front of another and taking one day at a time, which is all you can do right now. Don't try to think into the future, as it is too much to contemplate this soon in your journey. It is even too soon for me to tell you that in time you will learn how to go forward in a life that will never be the same as what you had, but will be one in which you WILL live. Others will be along to give you words of support and advice, but please keep coming here to tell us how you are doing. I wish you didn't have the need to be here, but this forum is a good place to learn how to process your grief. Many hugs to you.

[KayC]

@Maplessharon I am so so sorry for your loss...when I saw the title, I could immediately relate...I was 52 when my soul mate and best friend, George, passed.  It was my third and only good marriage.  My first was to a monster, I barely escaped with my life!  My second was to my kids' dad, 23 long years of him trying to control me but no love or caring whatsoever.  My George had just had his 51st birthday, he died on Father's Day 2005.  We never stop loving/missing them, we just learn to live with it.  

You want people to remember him with his humor not sadness, in time some will.  The sad part is hardly anyone remembers him anymore as people move, die, etc. and new people enter our lives, very few around who remember, but for those who do, it means the world to me.  Now my sister I was close to has passed, she remembered him, another link gone.   When we go through such tremendous changes to our lives, it's hard.

We welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post.  It helps to know you are not alone, that there are others feeling and experiencing similar things as you that "get it" and understand.  It helps us process our grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

17 hours ago, Maplessharon said:

they don't see me lying on the bed crying so strong I can't breathe and screaming because I have no other outlet for the emotions I'm going through.

I remember going out into the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs!  I'm sure I scared many bear and cougar off!  It's good to let it out.

[Maplessharon]

Diane and KayC thank you for your kind words. We always feel better knowing we are not alone. I was 35 when I met Randy, he was 42. After a couple of years, we knew we were in it for the long haul but it was 6 years before we got married. Due to my fertility issues and ages, we decided not to have children.  We would be the cool aunt and uncle. We had some rough times. Randy lost part of his right leg in 2013 and I am plagued with chronic illness. Partially due to this, I had some trouble keeping a job, But, Randy never worried, or at least he never told me if he did.  We would get through it together, and we did. We rarely fought--fights were me losing my temper, him remaining calm, then me apologizing and then him apologizing for what made me lose my temper. Average time, 5 minutes. He was smart, funny, and spoke fluent smart ass. Not in a mean way, just seeing the funny in something. His hugs were like falling into peace and he had a goofy smile.  His love was a constant. I could always trust it was there. He didn't mind if I gained weight or lost a job, he was there. He was a true treasure. There will never be another like him.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Maplessharon said:

He was smart, funny, and spoke fluent smart ass. Not in a mean way, just seeing the funny in something.

Never heard that phrase before but I love it. I'd say my partner Tom was quite fluent in it too and he'd be laughing right now if I told him that. No doubt, he'd be wearing it like a badge of honour! 

[Maplessharon]

32 minutes ago, DWS said:

Never heard that phrase before but I love it. I'd say my partner Tom was quite fluent in it too and he'd be laughing right now if I told him that. No doubt, he'd be wearing it like a badge of honour! 

If we had only known we could have had T-shirts made. I'm from Ottawa originally, it's nice to see words like honour spelled correctly. 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear Maplessharon,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just like the roots of two trees that grow right next to each other, the feelings of a happily married husband and wife become deep and closely knit together as time passes. When someone loses a mate, life does not just return to the way it was when you were single. After being married for many years, a husband usually knows how to comfort his wife and encourage her when she feels sad or frustrated. If he is gone, the love and comfort she received from him is gone too. I've lost many close loved ones and friends to death, including a close friend who died two days ago. What helps me to cope with each loss is the teachings of God’s Word that dead loved ones will come back to life. I've also found that Bible accounts of past resurrections offer me guarantee that all those in the grave will hear Jesus’ voice and come out. (John 5:28, 29) I will be overjoyed when I'm reunited with loved ones who have been resurrected. And I cannot even imagine the happiness that the resurrected ones will feel. I hope you find support and encouragement in God's promise of a resurrection. Unlike man, it is impossible for God to lie. (Hebrews 6:18)

[PLin]

Sending you hugs maplesharon.

It is so hard. The non-grievers have no idea how difficult it can be just to move through the day. I will think I am doing okay for a bit and then it all hits me again and I have a really emotional day. It comes in waves. I think we begin to isolate because no one understands us or the depth of our pain. It is easier to be alone than to listen to the well-meaning platitudes of others. Then the aloneness becomes hard too. 

There are days when I wish someone would please call me and just listen without offering me a solution to my 'problem'. Grief makes the outside world uncomfortable. It's as if we should feel guilty for expressing the pain of our grieving. I think it's a bit of a vicious circle really. We reach out, it's unsatisfying. We pull back, it's lonely.  Most of the time the latter feels easier.

At least here we can all express exactly how we feel and no one thinks we're crazy, or overreacting. Everyone here knows.

 

 

 

 

[DWS]

8 hours ago, PLin said:

I think we begin to isolate because no one understands us or the depth of our pain. It is easier to be alone than to listen to the well-meaning platitudes of others. Then the aloneness becomes hard too. 

I swear I could have written that! This is it exactly and I keep asking myself "what the hell do I do with that?"  I don't want to be alone but being with others proves to be painful because they don't understand my loss...and more so, they don't seem to be interested in understanding it. So I get it...my grief is ruining their good time and my solution is to keep isolating because I really don't feel the need for a good time right now. 

[Blaq diamond]

HEY THERE I WAS SUICIDAL YEARS AGO. IM NOT ANYMORE  BUT MY MOTHER IN LAW IS A NEW WIDOW AND I KNOW SHE FEELS SAD AND LONLEY SHES NOT VERY GOOD AT READING.  OR ELSE ID REFER HER HERE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER I CANT SAY I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I FEEL SO HELPLESS NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP PLEASE LET ME KNOW OF ANY PLACES I CAN CALL AND GET SOME ONE FOR HER T O TALK WITH.I HAVE BEEN IN A LOW PLACE BEFORE AND I DONT WISH THAT UPON ANYONE. AND TO ALL HERE I WANT TO SAY I APOLIGIZE FOR YOUR LOSS. AND YET I CONGRATULATE YOU ALL ON HAVING THE GUTS TO REACH OUT AND BE VULNERABLE. THANK YOU ALL. STAY THRIVING STAY CONNECTING

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Maplessharon said:

it's nice to see words like honour spelled correctly.

I've never given it any thought, it's honor here...so I looked it up:  Not a right or wrong, but regional difference.  British english is different than American, just as Mexican Spanish differs from Spain Spanish....one can argue they existed first.  IDK why my forefathers made the changes...

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/honor-honour/#:~:text=But some might frown if,in British English and is

Sorry, I look everything up, curious I guess.

 

18 hours ago, PLin said:

At least here we can all express exactly how we feel and no one thinks we're crazy, or overreacting. Everyone here knows.

 

[PLin]

13 hours ago, DWS said:

I swear I could have written that! This is it exactly and I keep asking myself "what the hell do I do with that?"  I don't want to be alone but being with others proves to be painful because they don't understand my loss...and more so, they don't seem to be interested in understanding it. So I get it...my grief is ruining their good time and my solution is to keep isolating because I really don't feel the need for a good time right now. 

It's a tough place to be. You are exactly right Don. It is as if we are dampening their happiness. I was so distraught yesterday for most of the day but I just couldn't bring myself to call someone and have them try to cheer me up. It feels like a no-win situation, especially when we are feeling particularly vulnerable.