ambivalence

[her_chrissy]

i haven't posted in some time, a couple months perhaps. grief time operates independently of statutory time, and we know this. 

tomorrow will be five months since my wife's heart broke for the final and definitive time, as i sat a mere foot from her trying to get the perfect angle on a diglett in n64's pokemon snap. moments before annie's heart erupted she uttered a simple, culminating phrase: 'this is nice'.

thanks love, it was nice. since then, my general attitude toward 'nice' is that 'nice' can go **** itself. 

i stopped posting because it scared me how relatable everyone's stories are. part of me wants to be able to sit in my grief, alone, chewing silently on the pain, guilt, anger, and fear, seething as couples walk their shitty kids and their noisy dog by my home and glance into my windows with morbid curiosity and, undoubtedly, pity. i'm 34 and i resemble a grumpy, hermetic curmudgeon. 

i feel so angry all the time, as though my bones produce it, and rage marrow nourishes my blood. at the same time, i grow fearful of alienating anybody in my life. i want their attention, and validation, and sentiments, despite how often they fall short. and i want to support them in their struggles tending to my grief and my changes. 

i want everyone to ask me how i'm doing, but find myself irritated whenever they do. i want people to understand, but i would be the first to tell them how much they could never understand. 

i consume media on grief to feel seen, in some way. too often, however, i encounter the quintessential flashbacks of when everything was nice, before the death that changed everything. a lot of my marriage was kind of fucked up, marred by toxic codependence, sleepless nights, and tense days. i grieve those aspects too, and would take them back if given the chance.

i long for a way to express those feelings, those regrets. but most folks aren't able to hear about grief, let alone the thought of a life being less than meaningful leading up to an unexpected and meaningless death. 

i want to be healthy and feel joy again, but if another person in my life tells me to think positive, i'll swiftly hurl myself from my roof. that's all. -cb   

[Ronni_W]

Hi, her_chrissy,

If you'll allow me the liberty and the privilege...     You missed the other memo -- not only are we supposed to "think positive" but we are also supposed to start keeping us a pretty little "gratitude journal"!!!  (If you won't mind sharing that roof of yours, I will come over there with you and hurl myself from it, also.)

I know and accept that I can *never* understand what you are going through - but, at the same time, I don't mind sitting here with you and listening while you try to explain it to me, or (try to) help me to realize exactly how much of it I do not understand and can never understand. Your anger and confusion and bitterness and anger will not alienate me -- although I do realize, at the same time, that 'me' isn't part of your equation. But, I don't have any other way to convey to you my condolences and sympathies and support.

How are you doing?

Love and hugs,   Ronni

[KayC]

17 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

i want everyone to ask me how i'm doing, but find myself irritated whenever they do.

This brought me a knowing smile as I can remember oh so well to that early grief...the contrasting feelings we can have all at the same time and all of them valid and relatable to all of us here!

The anger comes, not comfortably, but there and for valid reason.  Not a good place to stay in, but sometimes we must bear with it for a time while we're figuring this out and processing it...

Anger & Jealousy in Grief
Anger at God
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

Sometimes, the truth is, we just feel angry...not at anyone in particular, just angry.