Freezing as I saw my dog dying -Why did I response this way?

[Adrianelly Larue]

It was 10 PM at night and my dog did her usual by hanging out by the door to let me know she wanted to go potty. She was always intelligent and mindful in the way she communicated with me. Two nights before, I was so exhausted and it was really hot and humid and I felt like I just needed a break, I felt like maybe I should just go scuba diving or maybe I should just leave my dog at the dog sitter and just go take a break at the beach and just clear my mind and make a plan. We were in transition looking for a house in a very tough market and I was under a lot of stress, and that makes her under a lot of stress.  She is a 16 year old dog! And she is so strong. We had just returned from her dog road trip across the country. In hindsight, it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Before I go into all the things I wish I had done differently. I keep reflecting back on her final two or three days of life with me . It didn’t matter that I took her across the country, it didn’t matter that I brought her stroller, it didn’t matter that I was 1000% devoted to her care. What mattered was those final three days, and it makes me wonder if other people experience odd or distraught energy right before their dogs pass. I know that my story is not that unique. others will say it was your dog‘s time, your dog knew, she was already a senior, you got 16 years of life. That should be good. None of which is helpful, because it doesn’t mean that I mourn her any less, it doesn’t mean that’s the regret and guilt and pain doesn’t sneak up on me from time to time. Well back to the two nights before she got sick. She was doing great and I ran out of dog food and I had to switch her to new dog food. I was super exhausted I passed out after feeding her and she had an accident on the carpet. I didn’t get mad but I put her in the bathroom and I said go ahead finish your business here I’ll clean it up later . And then I went to go lay down back in bed. I don’t know what I was trying to avoid but I had to self talk myself to get out of bed and take her downstairs to P. Well she had already Peed all over the bathroom and pooped some more . I put her in the shower and I cleaned the floor. I wasn’t upset I was calm and I was just so exhausted. Why was I so weak? I then gave her a shower, I hugged her took her downstairs, and then rolled her up in a blanket in her bed. I apologized profusely for being a lazy ass. The next morning since she had diarrhea, I gave her a little bit of chicken, organic chicken. Five hours later she stopped eating. She didn’t want to eat anything or drink anything. She drank lots of water actually I’m lying. But then every time she drank water she started pooping what I thought was just blood in the stool and eventually it just became blood that she was pooping . I thought I thought about it and I asked around I asked if that’s online as it was already late in the night. I noticed that the blood was had a jelly like substance. I later learned that she had HGE. Did I go to the hospital right away? No . No I didn’t, I didn’t because I was afraid. This time felt different, so I hesitated. I don’t know why I did that, and I don’t know if my decision would’ve produced a different outcome. But I knew I already had a very low faith and emergency vet clinics  and I didn’t wanna believe it was an emergency. I don’t understand. I’m a person of action. I always get things done. This time I froze, I hesitated, did I know I was going to experience trauma? Why was it different this time? There was a moment I looked at her breathing heavily and I tried to give her ice chips so hopefully she can retain hydration, I put the bed on the floor, and I thought if she does it again then I will go to the emergency but either way I had planned on going to the vet first thing in the morning.  I slept two hours and woke up and saw that she had pooped bloody stool again. The thing is she was so mindful and she was so worried about me that she did poop in the bathroom because already she learns that’s why she should go for emergencies. This was a super dog.  And I remember looking at her and saying is this it? And then I jumped up, and said no. I called around a couple emergency vets and they had already told me that it was gonna be a three hour wait. I found a vet closest to the beach, it was closest to our favorite dog beach. It had a good rating. So I drove an hour. I got to the vet just as they open the door. I carried her inside she could no longer walk and she tilted her head back and took a gasp of air. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor. Ice cream to help her help her please. They took her and gave her oxygen, it was a surreal experience. She was stable again and after two hours of an appointment time . We left with Sabko fluids and different things for nausea diarrhea and hydration. I don’t know if that was the proper care. Then decided to take her to the beach to take a break and within a 10 minute drive I noticed she wasn’t present. She looks like she was in shock. It began to rain. Picture me running from my car to the beach with a dog whose head is wobbling in the rain . I could not stop crying and some people came to help. It’s like there was this simultaneous message that I could do this and at the same time what is happening? I had considered if this is it I don’t want her to suffer, so I called a local vet that would come to us. They never did come to us  because after the rain I somehow froze again and I moved from a place of just get this done like just do this. And without understanding what I was doing I set up our dog tent I got her a new fresh blanket from the car I changed out of my wet clothes  and I brought a journal. And I laid her on the beach, three hours later she passed away and I played the song that we listen to while we were on our road trip. This was more than a dog more than a family dog, I believe she was my soulmate . And was she guiding me? Was I supposed to take her to the hospital sooner? And with that has made a difference? And is she died in the hospital I know I would not be able to forgive myself because I had promised her long ago that she would pass away in the beach with me. And my only saving grace is that I fulfilled my promise  but I still don’t know if I could’ve given her just a little more time. And I don’t know if the stress and the food caused this. How how do I begin to forgive myself for my shortcomings? i’ve heard 1000 positive words and I don’t know if that helps but it is kind. I don’t know if I did the right thing and then I don’t know if she’s happy that I did it take her to the hospital because we hated that hospital. No offense. It’s just not our style. We are a nomadic  pair and beach palms. We are to California girls that just enjoyed the surf the sea and the sunshine. We are water girls and it was important to me to take her to the water. Did I do the right thing? Did I let my ego get in the way? How can I forgive myself for the stress and the instability she experienced right before she passed?

[dave w]

Hi Adrienelly Larue

 

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend, Angel, on Saturday and I am devastated. I also recognise so many of the emotions, and the questions you are asking yourself. Reading your story though I think you did an amazing job, and you fulfilled your promise to her. I think we human beings are a very strange breed, and I have to say that generally I am not a fan of the species, although the kind people on here make me think maybe I am too judgmental. I should have seen Angel's trouble earlier, I should have done more, I should have let her go earlier, I should have fought against the vets and tried to keep her going. I've driven myself mad with it all as well and who knows what the answer is? You had a great dog, and it sounds like she had a great Mum, try not to be too hard on yourself (That's rich coming from me). My broken heart goes out to you, I hope we both can find some peace at some point, but OMG do I miss my friend

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Adrianelly Larue said:

it doesn’t mean that’s the regret and guilt and pain doesn’t sneak up on me from time to time.

 Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

HGE: Acute hemorrhagic diarrhea syndrome (AHDS) (also known as hemorrhagic gastroenteritis [HGE]) is an acute (sudden) disorder of dogs characterized by vomiting and bloody diarrhea. Most cases occur without warning in otherwise healthy dogs

I am so sorry for your loss.  You ask what would make you freeze up, you're in shock, grief, it doesn't surprise me at all that you froze up!  My brain wouldn't work the whole month after losing my sister 3/28.  Losing my dog, Arlie, was one of the hardest things I've ever been through, so was losing my husband 17 years ago...they're in our lives daily interacting with us, loyal, loving, devoted, and it IS one of the hardest losses one can experience!

                                                         

17 hours ago, Adrianelly Larue said:

I believe she was my soulmate .

This is what I always called my Arlie.

It sounds to me you gave her the best possible passing you could, you were with her, present, tried to give her a good experience at the beach, as good as one can have.

It's way better than my Arlie went out (he had cancer), I took him in for Euthanasia and because they hadn't done due diligence and calibrated their scale, they were way off on his weight (usually they lose weight with cancer, he'd gained) they under anesthetized him and he went out in EXTREME PAIN!  I feel because I brought him there he might have felt I had them do this to him, his last thoughts/feelings this side of life.  I will never get over that, I have to live with that horrid look on his face that I can never forget.  I've never had one go out in pain like that before and I've lost 24 dogs and cats.

My heat goes out to you.  No matter how this goes down, it's damned hard.  (((hugs)))

[foreverhis]

On 5/17/2022 at 11:19 AM, Adrianelly Larue said:

How how do I begin to forgive myself for my shortcomings?

Welcome.  I read your story with a heavy heart.  I'm so sorry you lost your sweet girl.  IMO and experience (and I have plenty, I'm sorry to say), you begin to forgive yourself by remembering that you are human and that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You try to do what you are already doing in remembering everything wonderful and joyous with her.  You thank her for her unconditional love and companionship, knowing that it is a gift beyond measure that you gave each other.  Of course, none of that and nothing will make your grief journey easier.  It's the hardest thing most of us have ever had to face.  One of the things I keep in my heart is that I have deep grief and pain now because I found deep love and joy.  Not everyone does.  Whether it's a person or a pet doesn't matter.

From your description, it sounds very much like she had AHDS as described by Kay above.  TBH, I had never heard of it before.  Perhaps it was a complication of the HGE?  It's too much to understand in a short time.  You must have been overwhelmed, so I don't think it's so much that you "froze" as that it was simply too much for your mind and heart to take in all at once.  Sometimes we blame ourselves for not being faster or better or knowing what to do and on and on because we are desperately searching for a different outcome.  We're the ones left here and so we look in the mirror and decide it must be our fault, even though it isn't.  It sounds as if her condition became severe rapidly, so I urge you to remember that there was likely nothing you could do to stop it.  And frankly, it doesn't sound as if the emergency vet took it seriously enough.  But I wasn't there and I'm not a vet, so I don't really know.  Regardless, you did your best for her, which is all we can do.

What a life you had together.  What adventures you shared.  It's obvious how much you love her and that you gave her everything a dog could ever wish for.  You were with her until her very last breath in a place you both loved, where you felt comfortable and at peace.  She went to the Rainbow Bridge knowing only love.  That's not just something, it's everything.  I'm a California coastie girl myself, so I get it. I grew up in a camping family.  We went cross country, including through Canada, more than once.  My husband and I camped as often as possible, until our health wouldn't allow it.  I can imagine how amazing your cross-country trip together was.  Please try to keep those memories, your love, and your joy close in your heart and mind.

I will keep you in my thoughts.  Please keep coming here to talk or even just to read.  Everyone here understands.  We're on unique paths, but we walk the same painful road together.  You are not alone.

[Adrianelly Larue]

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I spoke with a friend and he brought something to my attention. He said that Often times we make decisions on previous repeated experiences. And he said, I lacked a trust for vet hospitals because it felt to me that I got a big bill and told to monitor my dog. No real solutions and a bunch of medications. And at 16 years of age - It was hard to know what to give her. I gave her what she wanted and I kept the light on at night for her dementia, and I started teaching her to poop in the bathroom to prepare for accidents ahead for her age. And on our road trip in Montana, we went to the emergency vet hospital and a woman came in with her brother’s dog. Her brother had passed away due to mental illness. And his dog was all she had of him. As we waited forever for our doctor, the lady in the other room screamed and screamed in tears as her brother’s dog died. We felt it and I looked at my doggo and said, “No hospitals, no more hospitals. She was shaken up and so was I, we went outside and I paid the bill. I remember how i felt in that moment. As my friend brought to my attention-That I made a choice on repeated experiences, and with that I did what what I thought was best. I did take her to the vet first thing in the morning. And after a two hour examination-there wasn’t much they could do except fluids and meds. He did say I could take her to the ER for aggressive 24 hour treatment and I didn’t go- i went to the beach instead. I couldn’t believe that was happening and it happened rapidly fast. It was the final two hours of her life that I recognized , She is dying. I didn’t rush back to the vet, I just made a tent and a pillow and played music and cried and wrote her a letter. A letter, I just wrote her a letter because i couldn’t talk. And I’ll never fully comprehend my response to death. Maybe it was divine guidance or maybe I was too scared and maybe I didn’t want to give another vet the final say on my dog. I wanted to be the one she saw last, I wanted her to feel wind, smell ocean, and feel warmth of sunshine. Maybe she could have survived the hge. Maybe it would extend her life two more months to six months. Ultimately I’ll never know. I made a choice to spend money on travel and fancy hotels and good food for us instead of getting a nice house with a yard. In that moment- I chose adventure for us. And I’ll never regret that. I hope she liked it too. I did take her around the in her pink wagon.

On 5/17/2022 at 12:55 PM, dave w said:

Hi Adrienelly Larue

 

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend, Angel, on Saturday and I am devastated. I also recognise so many of the emotions, and the questions you are asking yourself. Reading your story though I think you did an amazing job, and you fulfilled your promise to her. I think we human beings are a very strange breed, and I have to say that generally I am not a fan of the species, although the kind people on here make me think maybe I am too judgmental. I should have seen Angel's trouble earlier, I should have done more, I should have let her go earlier, I should have fought against the vets and tried to keep her going. I've driven myself mad with it all as well and who knows what the answer is? You had a great dog, and it sounds like she had a great Mum, try not to be too hard on yourself (That's rich coming from me). My broken heart goes out to you, I hope we both can find some peace at some point, but OMG do I miss my friend

 

[Adrianelly Larue]

Thank you so much. There are so many lessons for me and I am very grateful for all that she gave me. I do my best to remember that. 

We have to look at the whole experience and even after. This journey has made to accept the possibility of after life energy. 

 

I am also very sorry for your loss and it was so recent. I did find comfort in reading books and youtube and there is also an instagram page of rainbow bridge lady and she is fantastic. It feels supportive. 

[dave w]

Rainbow Bridge really sets me off again. I am not religous but that idea really makes me want to be. I am going to Church for the first time in decades in a few hours as it seems the right place to be to mark the time excatly 1 week ago when Angel passed

[KayC]

@dave w I'll be thinking of you...the one thing we need is hope.  I love this description:

[Adrianelly Larue]

Love this