Guilty

[HDee]

It's been five months since my husband passed away...we had a wonderful life...met in seventh grade.  He sustained a back injury in 2011, and that was the start of the change in him.  Anxiety, fear of falling...there were times when his old self returned for a while...but often he wouldn't go anywhere, birthdays and special occasions didn't matter as much, he wasn't affectionate.  I had nurtured (babied) him all his life (he was an only child) and attributed it to his need for attention.  But soon I started to feel abandoned...while doing every single thing that needed to be done.  This is when I started saying terrible things.  He never said much...he just listened.  He was a gentle soul.

The physical symptoms started to appear two years ago...changes in speech, handwriting; he developed sepsis in late 2020...he was never able to walk or even sit up on his own after that.  I cared for him at home for a year and a half.  I think I drove myself into the ground trying to make up for the things I said.  I ordered anything I thought might help him...spent hours on Amazon.  I read, I talked with doctors, nurses, physical therapists, spent hours with him in the ER.  During that year and a half I told him so many times that I loved him, that I was sorry, that I didn't understand what had been happening to him...that I must have my own mental problems because I get so angry when stressed, or when people let me down.  He understood, said he would be dead if it wasn't for me.  The doctors who  treated him have tried to console me, said that he was a lucky man to have me, I took "marvelous care of him," etc., but I still start every day asking my husband to forgive me.  They say God forgives the first time you ask, but I include Him, too.  I look on any trial that I go through now as my penance.

I have a grief counselor who says I have to try to replace the unhappy memories with the happy ones...I have so many happy ones...that's what I try to do.  I am reading an excellent book about grief and guilt written by a counselor who says that many of her patients are "dragging around a suitcase" filled with grief, but also regret, guilt, shame, etc,  One way to empty it is by "telling your story."  So, that's what I'm doing here.  Thank you for listening.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, HDee said:

I am reading an excellent book about grief and guilt written by a counselor who says that many of her patients are "dragging around a suitcase" filled with grief, but also regret, guilt, shame, etc,  One way to empty it is by "telling your story

I am very sorry for your loss. The pain we are left to cope with is the hardest thing. I sort of look at my own grief as being excess baggage. I've told my story but seems I remember more therefore, more to tell I guess. My "suitcase" has wheels because I think it's going to have to come with me. Just like other baggage we carry inside us. I think I can accept that but hope to be able to enjoy some sort of life again. I wish you much strength, wisdom and compassion as you navigate life with "the suitcase". 

[HDee]

20 minutes ago, tnd said:

I am very sorry for your loss. The pain we are left to cope with is the hardest thing. I sort of look at my own grief as being excess baggage. I've told my story but seems I remember more therefore, more to tell I guess. My "suitcase" has wheels because I think it's going to have to come with me. Just like other baggage we carry inside us. I think I can accept that but hope to be able to enjoy some sort of life again. I wish you much strength, wisdom and compassion as you navigate life with "the suitcase". 

Thank you.  Some days, some times of day, the suitcase is heavy.

[SSC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I truly hope you are able to find some peace while coping with the burden of guilt.  I understand very much about carrying around the “suitcase”.  Would you be willing to share the title of the book you are reading?

[HDee]

Sure, here is the title:   Anxiety, The Missing Stage of Grief by Claire Bidwell Smith

[KayC]

Sometimes in early grief we go through all of the "what ifs" (guilt association) to find a different possible outcome as the one that occurred is too unpalatable...but that doesn't mean we are guilty of anything, rather that we FEEL guilt...but feelings alone are not a barometer of fact.  The fact is we love/d them (past and present) more than anything!

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

[HDee]

Yes, the last words I said to him, when I got him ready for bed the night before he died were, "I love you and I know you love me."  We had a wonderful life, I loved him immensely...but caregiver stress takes a toll.

Thank you for the titles.  I'm sure they will be helpful.

[SSC]

Thank you @HDee

[HisPumpkin]

Guilt was the predominant emotion I felt in the immediate aftermath of D’s passing. I in some ways was punishing myself for being unable to save him. I think I still am, though not as much as I was. I’ve been trying to identify my triggers. There are obvious things, some PTSD associated, but I’ve been unravelling them. I’ve not gone back to work yet and so I’ve been having a lot (probably too much) me time. Writing. So I take each negative thought, and I write it down, and then I sit and try to meditate enough that I’m in a calm, less emotional state, then I try to think about what D would say to me about said negative though, and I write that down too. Sometimes I have to do this multiple times. There are some negative thoughts that still override the process. But it’s helping me have less anxiety.

There’s another thing that a woman I went to see taught me on the vein of NLP or “the rewind technique” in processing trauma. Some info of what it entails here: https://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/anxiety-ptsd-and-trauma/fast-cure-phobia-and-trauma-evidence

It worked for me for a particularly bad, invasive memory from childhood, but I haven’t tried yet with the processing needed for the night D passed. Everyone is different though, we just find what works for us. 

I’m so sorry you find yourself here with us, and that you’re struggling with guilt on top of grief. Being a caregiver brings out a lot of additional stressors - an ex whom I lived with prior to D had a lot of physical mobility problems and I got carer burnout and wasn’t always as patient with him as I perhaps should have been. You’re human, and you have your own struggles, it doesn’t make you a bad person nor mean you loved any less. Gentle hugs to you. 

[tnd]

22 hours ago, HDee said:

Thank you.  Some days, some times of day, the suitcase is heavy.

That's when you come on here and let your emotions out or ask for help. Just try to focus on the "here and now". Sometimes I find it easier if I just cry and let the tears flow. If I can, I retreat to my room to cry or wait until I am alone. Some days I cry only a little, other days I cry so much it hurts my face and in fact, my whole body. I've got no one here to hold me while I cry and sometimes I wish I did. But at least I'm not denying myself the tears. It is getting a little easier but still quite painful. I imagine what took years to find (our beloveds) will take years to mourn. So there shouldn't be any rush. Have to grieve in your own time. Sometimes have to set the suitcase down so you can take the time to cry. 

[tnd]

8 hours ago, HDee said:

loved him immensely...but caregiver stress takes a toll.

I personally know what that is like. We did my husband's hemodialysis at home (with giant horse needles 6 days a week). I had to give it up after 3 years. Have felt guilty ever since. 

[HDee]

It sounds like you did everything you could for as long as you could, to give him the best quality of life possible under the circumstances.  Three years is a long time.  You always know when you have to consider your own health, and survival, so you can still be present for him.  I listen and truly say you should feel no guilt, but I know, it's not that easy.

Thank you for your kind words.

[KayC]

On 5/12/2022 at 7:25 AM, HDee said:

but caregiver stress takes a toll.

Caregiving after it ends

23 hours ago, HisPumpkin said:

https://www.hgi.org.uk/resources/delve-our-extensive-library/anxiety-ptsd-and-trauma/fast-cure-phobia-and-trauma-evidence

Looking at it right now...