Members Popular Post Rocky in California Posted May 5, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 5, 2022 On Monday April 25th 2022, my girlfriend had a massive hemorrhagic stroke. She never recovered consciousness. She was removed from supportive equipment, and legally passed away on Wednesday April 27th. That is a terribly sanitized version of what actually happened. I am a former law enforcement officer. I served in the United States Marine Corps. I am incredibly traumatized by what I saw when I was performing CPR on her. I saw the light go out in the eyes of the love of my life. 3 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 5, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted May 5, 2022 @Rocky in California I am so sorry for your recent loss. It was a place such as this that saved me when I went through this 17 years ago next month...it still doesn't seem possible that I "survived" or that this much time has passed. Grief has a beginning, but not an ending...at least not in this life. We do, however, get better at coping eventually. Those early days/years I had grief fog, shock, couldn't focus, it was tough. Yes, with all you have been through in the Marines, and as a law enforcement officer (thank you for your service in both areas, BTW!) nothing hits quite like the trauma of someone you dearly loved, passing, particularly when you've witnessed those things firsthand. There is nothing about that last weekend that will ever elude me, I remember it all with detail. The ensuing summer (he passed Father's Day) was a fog, I was frantic, anxiety through the roof. Three years later I went on a mild anxiety Rx (Buspar/Buspirone) to take the edge off so I could better cope. I'm glad you found this place, it helps to have somewhere where people "get it" and understand. These are a great group of people, I hope you'll conttinu coming here, reading and posting. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Canadagirl81 Posted May 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 6, 2022 I burst into tears at the last line of your post. I am so incredibly sorry for the horrible loss of your beloved girlfriend. You have come to an amazing community of feeling, empathetic and wonderful people who know your pain all too well. This is a horrible reality for all of us. I'm only 3 months into my grief and while I am not a stranger to loss, this is the most significant one I've ever experienced so far in my 40 years on this planet. I'm positive with your experience you've seen many traumatic things but none of that could have prepared you for what you witnessed with her. I can only imagine your gut wrenching pain and shock. The variety of emotions surrounding Glenn's sudden absence surprise me at every turn. I flow with them, I'm patient and loving with myself and I am forever changed as I'm sure you are as well. @KayC has given you some amazing resources to help you. Sending you energetic love and hugs. Laura 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post KMkm Posted May 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 6, 2022 I can't imagine the pain you have witnessed and also to witness the loss of a loved one. I am truly sorry for that. I lost my wife 6 months ago and witnessed her last breath as her body succumbed to cancer. Grief is very crippling but the strength you find deep within will help you through this. I pray that you find your way as many of us on here are trying as well. Come here as much as you want, post, read, share and cry. Nothing you say or do will or should be questioned. Heal as you see fit and seek support and guidance wherever you can. Take small steps and never be afraid to ask for help. Stay strong my friend. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted May 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 6, 2022 @Rocky in California Brother please accept my condolences. I am so sorry for this.... it is absolutely traumatising. As Canadagirl said, your last sentence had me choking up. There are people here with more wisdom, more experience than me and they will be along. My wife passed on 1 year ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, in a stupid hospital room. She looked me in the eyes as her light left her body. I will never forget it; I am forever changed. Life has become meaningless in many ways. I encourage you to keep coming here, reading, posting, if it brings some comfort. Be with your grief; there's no way around it, no way to avoid it... it'll find you no matter what. May you be comforted. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted May 6, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 6, 2022 Rocky in California, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband also suffered a hemorrhage stroke. 25 days later we removed his life support. That was 5 years ago but every moment of those 25 days will.always be etched in my brain. I am so very sorry. No matter how it happened, cancer, accident, heart attack, murder, suicide, or stroke we all have suffered the unbearable loss of the most important person in our lives. It is a life shattering experience that is nearly impossible to grasp until it happens to you. Your friends and family may not understand how broken you are, but sadly we get it. Right now friends and family hopefully are offering you comfort and support. Lean on them, accept help. Right now your brain is struggling to understand what has happened. Often our brains turn on ourselves saying why didn't I do more to save her, I should have done . . . . Guilt, anger, despair, roll over us in rapid succession. It is literally hard to breathe at times. Come here to share your pain when you feel like those around you don't understand. Read the posts of others here and you will see you are not alone. Share your story as you feel the need. We will offer what comfort we can. We do understand how terribly hard this is. Gail 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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