Struggling to move forward and have hope after the unexpected loss of my mother two months ago

[Adam Barham]

Hi there. I'm a 21-year-old man and an only child. I grew up homeschooled, with my mom as my teacher. With how busy my dad was with work all the time, and with not a lot of friends to hang out with, most of my time was spent home either by myself or hanging out with my mother, and we were very close as a result. She was my mother and my teacher, but also one of my closest friends. In January, my parents and I each caught Covid, despite the precautions we had been taking. My mother, in particular, had been almost exclusively staying home - she was scared of Covid going to her lungs, as her colds had a habit of doing. My dad and I each had mild cases - my dad's was like a rough cold, and mine was just extreme fatique. My mom's was also like a cold, but it lasted longer. And just as she had feared, it did go to her lungs. She developed Covid Pneumonia and received various treatments in an attempt to help for weeks, but she kept going downhill rather than improving. My dad was able to take family medical leave from his work to take care of her for a few weeks. And she needed it, too. Her doctors were saying that she was the sickest person they had seen in years. She had Covid Pneumonia, still tested positive for Covid, was diagnosed with Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease, and had what she THOUGHT was an ulcer from all the coughing. At the beginning of March, she had been on an oxygen machine for a few weeks to help her breathe easier at night, but she had started needing to use it around the clock to get enough air passed her extreme congestion. At this point, we all unanimously agreed that it was time to take her to the hospital to get more intensive care. This was a Wednesday. As I watched my father drive my mother to the hospital, I had to swallow a lump in my throat, as I fearly thought that I was watching her leave the house for the last time - how I wish I was wrong. Thank the Lord that we did take her in when we did, or we would've lost her the very next day. It turns out that what we had thought was an ulcer was actually severe hematoma - basically internal bleeding. She had been placed in a standard room at first, but after checking her blood pressure Thursday and seeing it severely drop - as in, 40 over 20, severe - they took her to the ICU. And they couldn't even do anything for the hemotoma, either - if they tried to opperate on her, it would fail because her lungs weren't strong enough. Her condition went back and for the following week as my dad stayed at the hospital with her and I visited on occasion. She went from one oxygen machine to another to another and eventually was put on a ventilator, since she wasn't eating or getting enough oxygen still. The morning of Thursday, March 10th, my dad called me from the hospital to tell me that she wasn't going to make it and to get up there. I raced up there as quickly as I could, and was there when she passed at 8:53am. My girlfriend of two years, who I am in a long-distance relationship with, flew down to visit and support me for the next few weeks. I was still heavily stuck on denial, though. I knew what had happened, but it didn't feel real - even at her funeral. Only in the past few weeks have I finally transitioned out of this denial, but I'm getting demolished by the depression. I've already struggled with depression and loneliness for years - I'm on antidepressants and have been going to therapy and everything - but it's at the highest level it's ever been. The pain is so severe. I'm trying everything I can to try and bring some sort of relief - distracting myself with work, diving into video games and Youtube, seeking pleasure in pornography, obsessively buying towards a recently-started collection - nothing works, nothing helps, the overwhelming pain is still there. I'd love to surround myself with friends, but I don't have any in the area, unless you count my coworkers, who I don't necessarily feel like I can lean on in that way. I keep missing opportunities to make ones, such as at church, and even when using a website like Meetup, I'm not finding anything related to my interests to try and find people in. The only people I feel that I have to lean on currently are my girlfriend who is 1700 miles away, my father who can have angry mood swings (but who has been getting better) and is at work the majority of the time, and my therapist, who is really cool and good but keeps being fully booked by the time I know my work schedule well enough to make an appointment. I'm struggling, I'm hurting, I don't know what to do, and I need help. 

[Ksbe]

I'm so sorry Adam. I lost my mom in January. She was my best friend. It hurts and the aching is constant. There are no words to make the pain go away... Things remind me of her frequently. I think about the day she died all the time. It replays in my head. I try to divert myself to a happier memory. Sometimes that helps. I don't have any answers... Just can offer my sincere apologies u r feeling all of this. 

[Nabi358]

On 5/4/2022 at 7:00 PM, Adam Barham said:

Hi there. I'm a 21-year-old man and an only child. I grew up homeschooled, with my mom as my teacher. With how busy my dad was with work all the time, and with not a lot of friends to hang out with, most of my time was spent home either by myself or hanging out with my mother, and we were very close as a result. She was my mother and my teacher, but also one of my closest friends. In January, my parents and I each caught Covid, despite the precautions we had been taking. My mother, in particular, had been almost exclusively staying home - she was scared of Covid going to her lungs, as her colds had a habit of doing. My dad and I each had mild cases - my dad's was like a rough cold, and mine was just extreme fatique. My mom's was also like a cold, but it lasted longer. And just as she had feared, it did go to her lungs. She developed Covid Pneumonia and received various treatments in an attempt to help for weeks, but she kept going downhill rather than improving. My dad was able to take family medical leave from his work to take care of her for a few weeks. And she needed it, too. Her doctors were saying that she was the sickest person they had seen in years. She had Covid Pneumonia, still tested positive for Covid, was diagnosed with Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease, and had what she THOUGHT was an ulcer from all the coughing. At the beginning of March, she had been on an oxygen machine for a few weeks to help her breathe easier at night, but she had started needing to use it around the clock to get enough air passed her extreme congestion. At this point, we all unanimously agreed that it was time to take her to the hospital to get more intensive care. This was a Wednesday. As I watched my father drive my mother to the hospital, I had to swallow a lump in my throat, as I fearly thought that I was watching her leave the house for the last time - how I wish I was wrong. Thank the Lord that we did take her in when we did, or we would've lost her the very next day. It turns out that what we had thought was an ulcer was actually severe hematoma - basically internal bleeding. She had been placed in a standard room at first, but after checking her blood pressure Thursday and seeing it severely drop - as in, 40 over 20, severe - they took her to the ICU. And they couldn't even do anything for the hemotoma, either - if they tried to opperate on her, it would fail because her lungs weren't strong enough. Her condition went back and for the following week as my dad stayed at the hospital with her and I visited on occasion. She went from one oxygen machine to another to another and eventually was put on a ventilator, since she wasn't eating or getting enough oxygen still. The morning of Thursday, March 10th, my dad called me from the hospital to tell me that she wasn't going to make it and to get up there. I raced up there as quickly as I could, and was there when she passed at 8:53am. My girlfriend of two years, who I am in a long-distance relationship with, flew down to visit and support me for the next few weeks. I was still heavily stuck on denial, though. I knew what had happened, but it didn't feel real - even at her funeral. Only in the past few weeks have I finally transitioned out of this denial, but I'm getting demolished by the depression. I've already struggled with depression and loneliness for years - I'm on antidepressants and have been going to therapy and everything - but it's at the highest level it's ever been. The pain is so severe. I'm trying everything I can to try and bring some sort of relief - distracting myself with work, diving into video games and Youtube, seeking pleasure in pornography, obsessively buying towards a recently-started collection - nothing works, nothing helps, the overwhelming pain is still there. I'd love to surround myself with friends, but I don't have any in the area, unless you count my coworkers, who I don't necessarily feel like I can lean on in that way. I keep missing opportunities to make ones, such as at church, and even when using a website like Meetup, I'm not finding anything related to my interests to try and find people in. The only people I feel that I have to lean on currently are my girlfriend who is 1700 miles away, my father who can have angry mood swings (but who has been getting better) and is at work the majority of the time, and my therapist, who is really cool and good but keeps being fully booked by the time I know my work schedule well enough to make an appointment. I'm struggling, I'm hurting, I don't know what to do, and I need help. 

I'm so sorry this happened. I too lost my mother, it was less than a month ago.

I know what that denial feels like. My mother died from a lymphoma which had an apparently good prognostic but at start of 2022 got worse. And on march it unexpectedly turned terminal. In only a month she went from going by her foot to the hospital to being unable to walk or use her hands to call, and then to completely being put in sleep with oxycodone because her pain and anxiety was too much.

I even had this month to "prepare" since we were already told it was terminal. And i rationally knew, and was willing to prepare things like funeral and other next steps.

But i guess deep down it felt like just prevention actions. Because I didn't allow myself to feel like those where the last moments. We weren't even given a "time", we just knew it had no cure. And I never wanted her to feel like those were the last days. 

And now after she's no longer with me I can't seem to understand how something like this happened. 2 months ago we were home, watching movies and now suddenly she won't be back. But i feel deep down it's like I'm waiting for her to come back because how would something this horrible actually happen? I feel childish sometimes. But i guess I am, i was not ready to be alone, and she was not ready to leave me alone either. 

Lately it's getting more frequent that i see reality as it is. And it hurts unbelievably. I just can't believe life is going to be like this from now on.

I hope this makes you feel less alone in this feelings. It helped me a lot to read your post for sure, and to be able to relate to someone.

Hope we can get better