The grocery store!

[DWS]

It's been brought up in conversations here before so I thought it deserved a topic of its own. What is it about the grocery store that bears so many challenges and hidden memories for us? 

I thought I was starting to make some headway but it happened to me again yesterday. I was in my usual store to quickly grab a few groceries (that's the strategy that works for me). I was doing okay but then I had to pass by the corner that holds a lot of sweet memories...literally. This corner has frozen cheesecakes, pies and all other sweet things that are so good for us. These are the more "premium" desserts that I never bothered with in the past before Tom entered my life but when he and I shopped, we would venture into that section. Tom (Mr. Moneybags) would always say "what would you like? I'm treating" and so we'd end up with something delicious that we knew we'd have to walk off. 

Anyway, I grabbed the last couple of things on my list and got the hell out of there. Let's hear your stories and how you conquered the grocery store. 

[KayC]

7 minutes ago, DWS said:

What is it about the grocery store that bears so many challenges and hidden memories for us? 

For us, we always shopped together, him bagging, me paying and watching them ring it up.  We made a day of it as our grocery store is 50 miles away (our place is out in the country), so we'd go to town and see friends, maybe buy a pizza, then stop at the store on the way home.  When home, he'd carry them in while I put them away.  We were a team, and we always did things together!

The other part of it is I loved cooking for him, and he loved eating!  He'd eat anything, which made it easy and always appreciated what I fixed, whether thrown together or more complex.  It made it fun as he was easy to please.  I miss having him to do that for.  Needless to say, when in the store, I'd get triggered seeing foods I knew he'd love, things I'd buy if only he were still here.

It took me months to get to where I could do this on my own, my daughter bought my groceries at first.  I finally braved up to go get them, crying the whole 100 mile trek, even in the store..  People looked at me weird but it didn't matter, I didn't have to see them again anyway.  I gradually got more used to doing things on my own, but oh God it took time!

[HisPumpkin]

I can’t even go in my usual store because I when D suddenly took ill, I was walking home from work, went to the store, bought a few things, headed home. It wasn’t until I got home that I realised how bad it was. 30 minutes in the grand scheme of things (I live close to work, the store is 5 minutes round the corner). But it’s too much of a trigger. Gives me panic attacks even thinking about it. I’m convinced that those 30 minutes could have made a difference and I hate myself for not realising he wasn’t just nauseous, he was having a heart attack. 

I’ve gone to the other store but everything I see reminds me of him. How I would nag him to eat something other than plain salted potato chips. We would banter back and forth about my determination to get him to eat bloody vegetables and he’d tell me when we got our own place he wanted a big grill in the garden and he’d barbecue me steak, salmon and chicken, and yes, corn counts as a vegetable. I’d make him eat cabbage because that he did like, and he loved watermelon. But mostly he was naughty, he liked whipped cream with butterscotch sauce. Salted nuts. Junk food. I kind of drift aimlessly round the store. Nothing is particularly appetising so generally I only really eat when my poor mother comes over and leaves me food to pick at. 

So I guess I’ve not conquered it yet. I can’t imagine ever going back in the other store again, even the thought gives me palpitations. 
 

[Jen H]

Yes the grocery store is one of the worst places for me.  Seeing the food I don't have to buy anymore cause he was the only one who really ate it.  Buying less of foods cause I have one less mouth to feed.  Not being able to cook for him anymore which I enjoyed doing so much.  It all sucks so badly!

 

 

[widower2]

It makes sense that this would be a point of difficulty for many of us since it's such a big part of our day/day lives that we had with our loved one. We used to go to the local store on Sun mornings because they had this 50% off area for all kinds of stuff that was about to expire and got these great deals. They had a coffee counter too, so we (more her than me) would get coffee and cruise through the store and shop. I hate shopping that early because I'm not a morning person, but she talked me into it and it is great because hardly anyone is there. Then we'd get breakfast burritos at McDs on the way out and go home, put stuff away, have our burritos with a little more coffee, and read the Sunday paper. So miss that ritual. Now the grocery store is a boring chore. 

[Canadagirl81]

It's so difficult for me as well. I haven't been to Wegman's yet which was a monthly trip for us since it's about 45 minutes away. We loved going there. I would stock up on frozen fruit and veggies and get all our vegan stuff. We were so silly shopping and I loved planning our meals while we were there. He would constantly wander off and come back to the cart with so much stuff that we hadn't planned on and I always gave in because I couldn't resist his cutie face. When I go shopping now it's just for me so I'm in and out. No flirty fun in the aisles, no dancing to classic rock jams or playing hide and seek. He would actually often go get groceries early on Saturday mornings and would let me sleep....he was such a do-er. I miss that. He always got all my favourite things without me even having to ask him. He was the most thoughtful person I've ever met. 

[KayC]

On 4/30/2022 at 7:29 PM, widower2 said:

So miss that ritual.

It sounds like a special time together you two shared, ours was too.

[DWS]

12 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

He would constantly wander off and come back to the cart with so much stuff that we hadn't planned on and I always gave in because I couldn't resist his cutie face.

I can picture that so vividly. Our partners managed to add the flair to the mundane. I'm laughing through my tears but I can still picture all those times going aisle to aisle trying to figure out where on earth he wandered off to.  

[Canadagirl81]

@DWS Same. I used to say to him "okay, let's stick together alright?" and he would always agree but then wander off and I'd end up looking all over for him. He would come up behind me and hug me from behind or make me jump. I still look for him down the aisles, I think I always will. I can't even believe this reality. 

[DWS]

53 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I can't even believe this reality. 

I still keep saying this. I don't know if they would categorize that as denial or not. I look at it as more of a way to express the pain rather than actual denying that this happened. The two photos that I have at my desk keep me comforted during the day but it's when I conjure up in my mind the familiar images of Tom sitting in his favourite chair near me or walking or running or whatever that I end up in tears saying "I can't believe he's no longer here". 

[Canadagirl81]

Exactly @DWS I understand it has happened and I know it's real but at the same time it feels like he's just off on a trip or something. I can't even imagine how this will feel 5, 10 or even 20 years from now. I'm glad the two pictures comfort you and I absolutely understand seeing him in his familiar places. I see Glenn everywhere. Nothing seems real anymore but also so real at the same time.  Sending you hugs. 

[widower2]

On 5/2/2022 at 1:58 PM, Canadagirl81 said:

@DWS Same. I used to say to him "okay, let's stick together alright?" and he would always agree but then wander off and I'd end up looking all over for him. 

lol - I didn't wander much - we were mostly pretty compatible shopping-wise. I do remember she'd get impatient when I couldn't decide which beer I wanted. How can she not know how important that is  

[Canadagirl81]

@widower2 I mean beer choices are never ending so of course it took you awhile! I think Glenn just couldn't help himself...he loved food and loved shopping for it...he would just get too excited and had to go exploring. I found it adorable and just a little frustrating lol ....man how I miss him. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

I do remember she'd get impatient when I couldn't decide which beer I wanted. How can she not know how important that is  

  

[Canadagirl81]

Just got back from the store. It’s so mindless now and I see him everywhere and fully expect him to just come walking towards me. I find myself buying the products he loves, it makes me feel closer to him. It’s way too quiet everywhere now and I feel like I’m just going through the motions on autopilot. 

[Ronni_W]

On 4/29/2022 at 10:47 AM, DWS said:

[...] Anyway, I grabbed the last couple of things on my list and got the hell out of there. Let's hear your stories and how you conquered the grocery store. 

DWS,

For me, I haven't even yet tried to go to a grocery store that we both used to go to, together. For me, it's the stupid effin' muzak, and it hits me - literally - in my gut and heart and Soul, when I least expect it.

Most recently, it was "Browned-eyed girl", and I was all happy and singing along and...BOOM! I just said to myself, effit, and took myself off into a corner, and had to remove my Covid mask, and just...effit. I cried and cried until I was done; wiped my nose; put my mask back on, and kept on going. (And is why I carry a supply of fresh masks in my handbag. <lol>.)     The time before that? Pink Floyd's "Wish you were here".    I wish he was here.

Sometimes some person goes, "Are you okay?"    Other times, people just look at me weird, and avoid me (as if I can't see them and what they're doing), and pretend like I am not there.

[Ronni_W]

On 5/2/2022 at 2:38 PM, DWS said:

[...]. I don't know if they would categorize that as denial or not. I look at it as more of a way to express the pain rather than actual denying that this happened. The two photos that I have at my desk keep me comforted during the day but it's when I conjure up in my mind the familiar images of Tom sitting in his favourite chair near me or walking or running or whatever that I end up in tears saying "I can't believe he's no longer here". 

Dear DWS.

For me, my process is, in part - or wholly(?) - to come to my own self-empowerment...even if it means having to go against what "they" say, or would categorize, because "they" do not have even the first faintest clue of what is my personal, unique, individual "denial" or "resiliency". "They" have not sat in MY personal, unique and individual shoes!

Photos. I am moving and removing and repositioning them all over the place, about every week -- on this wall, off this wall; on this 'flat surface' in this room, off this flat surface in this room; on that wall in that room, etc., etc., all the time, all over the place; on any given day or in any given second.     "They" (whoever the bloody heck "they" are) have no idea about *ME*, so what do "they" know about whether - OR NOT - I am "in denial" or simply "in coping"???

When I read here, it feels like everyone else is, according to "them and their theories" (whoever the bloody hell "they" are), further ahead in the 'grieving and healing process' than I currently am -- but I also know that everyone here will support me in where I am now, right here and right this minute, and tell me, "No, Ronni, do not listen to 'them'. Stay with where you are, right now."     See what I mean?  (I do find it difficult, sometimes, to give words to my personal experience.)

[DWS]

Damn....I thought the trips to the grocery store were starting to become lighter but the heavy darkness reappeared as I walked out with my few groceries today and the short drive home was teary-eyed. I'm not sure what triggered it. It could have been just seeing the everyday world rolling along as usual...although it could also have been looking at other men there and not seeing even a trace of the friendly, carefree guy that was my Tom. I guess it's just another part of this grief journey. 

[Dragonfly999]

A big part of our life together was cooking together. I grew up in a home of processed and packaged food, he had an ex-wife who subsisted on fast food and would never cook, and back then he worked a full time job and ran a business so he didn’t have the time. So we came together and learned to cook real food from scratch, and over the years got quite good at it. We each had dishes we made for each other but most nights we were in the kitchen together, every weeknight we made meals at home. And we always bought the best quality available.

So the grocery store was really important to us and we always went together. Because of this, everyone who works there knew us by name and we actually had several people comment on how they always looked forward to seeing us because we looked so happy together and only had eyes for each other. I’ve only been to the grocery store twice, because I haven’t been able to bring myself to cook anything and it’s still hard to eat. Our usual cashier didn’t even recognize me because he was so used to seeing us together. 

It got me when I needed something on a high shelf and couldn’t reach it. He always had older solo ladies come up and ask him if could help get things down for them. Now I had to approach a man nearby to help me and it was terrible. 

We’d spend a lot of time at the cheese counter and each pick out a cheese for the drawer in the fridge. His favorite was Gouda, and bleu cheese. He’d select the best fish they had, he’d make us a fish dinner every week like his grandpa taught him. I’ll never taste his pan fried trout again, or his red snapper in lemon caper sauce.

[widower2]

On 5/19/2022 at 10:42 AM, DWS said:

Damn....I thought the trips to the grocery store were starting to become lighter but the heavy darkness reappeared as I walked out with my few groceries today and the short drive home was teary-eyed. I'm not sure what triggered it. It could have been just seeing the everyday world rolling along as usual...although it could also have been looking at other men there and not seeing even a trace of the friendly, carefree guy that was my Tom. I guess it's just another part of this grief journey. 

Yes, I think so. This journey is an uneven one...you can be fine (relatively speaking) for awhile and then bam, for some reason, and as you said, sometimes you don't even know the reason, you hit one of those damn land mines. The upside is that over time they become less frequent and less severe. It's just that "over time" part that I hated. 

[HDee]

I didn't realize how widespread and common this feeling of pain in the grocery store was.  It was the first place where I actually felt an ache in my chest that can only be described as "heartache."  I thought heartache was just a term, but it's a very real physical feeling when grieving.

After my husband passed away I had very little appetite so I would watch lots of food programs on TV.  Same thing, I would see delicious restaurant meals, families dining out and commenting on the great food...and I would be sad because those were restaurants and foods that my husband, son and I would have loved to try.  We always tried new restaurants and food when we traveled...that was my job: researching and finding the good restaurants in advance,  Now I console myself by saying, "Well, we wouldn't be traveling and eating in restaurants anyhow because of Covid."  I look on it as a blessing that we did so much together when there was no fear.

[KayC]

If there is a silver lining in their death, it is that George never had to go through this...he was so social, he would have had a very hard time with it.  But then again it would have been easier to weather together....

[Jemiga70]

9 hours ago, HDee said:

I thought heartache was just a term, but it's a very real physical feeling when grieving.

Recently I moved countries.  There is reverse culture shock and of course there is grieving, and the grief seems even worse now, though I'm 1 year in.  But the other day I went to the supermarket.  A pop song in a minor key came on the radio and it just got me. Something about minor key music.  There was physical pain in my heart and the tears started rolling.  There were a lot of new immigrants in the store and, having lived overseas for 11+ years, that brought sadness too; sadness for the loss of our lifestyle amongst different cultures in interesting places.  We'll never again live in that way together.

 

9 hours ago, HDee said:

Now I console myself by saying, "Well, we wouldn't be traveling and eating in restaurants anyhow because of Covid."  I look on it as a blessing that we did so much together when there was no fear.

TOTALLY get this.  We were blessed to have those years of traveling together when we did, before the world went mad.

[tnd]

Right now I have my groceries delivered but this is how I have to do it. At least for now. My hope is to find cheap or free transportation and go on my own for however much will fit in a tote bag. And when I go, I will be the one crying over at the bell peppers. Gee, they should have "Weeping Widows And Widowers Day" at the market for us. And of course with special discounts on that day. And free kleenex. Lots and lots of kleenex. 

[tnd]

On 5/22/2022 at 3:07 AM, Jemiga70 said:

We were blessed to have those years of traveling together when we did, before the world went mad.

I think everyone's memories are going to play a vital role in how well we do in the future. I am finding that as I grieve, I feel weak. But then when I realize how fortunate I was to have had the time with my husband, I gain some strength in that. We have to take our memories with us. I hope you continue posting on how you are doing in your new surroundings. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

when I realize how fortunate I was to have had the time with my husband, I gain some strength in that.

This is key.

[Ronni_W]

On 5/22/2022 at 7:30 AM, tnd said:

Gee, they should have "Weeping Widows And Widowers Day" at the market for us. And of course with special discounts on that day. And free kleenex. Lots and lots of kleenex. 

😄 😄 😄     Yep!!! Lots and LOTS of free Kleenex!!!!

And we'll all decide to go to the same market on the same day at around the same time...and after that we'll all go to some restaurant that serves tea, coffee, wine, beer, hard liquor and bubble tea and espresso (and other types of beverages that I don't even know about yet)...and tnd and I will make sure that we all have enough Kleenex to go around for everyone...If you're okay with that, tnd??? 💓.

[LMR]

5 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

😄 😄 😄     Yep!!! Lots and LOTS of free Kleenex!!!!

And we'll all decide to go to the same market on the same day at around the same time...and after that we'll all go to some restaurant that serves tea, coffee, wine, beer, hard liquor and bubble tea and espresso (and other types of beverages that I don't even know about yet)...and tnd and I will make sure that we all have enough Kleenex to go around for everyone...If you're okay with that, tnd??? 💓.

This sounds like exactly what I need. I wish you were all close by.

 

On 5/22/2022 at 9:07 AM, Jemiga70 said:

Recently I moved countries.  There is reverse culture shock and of course there is grieving, and the grief seems even worse now, 

I too have moved countries. I'm still not sure that I've done the right thing. The culture shock is huge. We were in US for 28 years. Weather shock too. I miss the sunshine, I miss the smell of pine. I miss the memories, almost nothing here reminds me of a real memory, I keep thinking how he would hate this. I brought some of his ashes over with me but can't find anywhere that I think he would like to be.

The grocery store is a real killer for me. There were always things that were hard or sometimes impossible to find in US. Now I see them everywhere and I want to buy it all for him. We always enjoyed surprising each other with little foodie treats.

[Maplessharon]

My husband loved large apples, the ones that were softball-sized. They weren't always available so I had to keep an eye out. It's only been a few months but I can't stop looking. And, when I see them, get all choked up because I have no reason to buy them. I also have a pantry full of things he liked, but I don't. One day I'll clean it out and take it to the food bank, but for the now the pantry is another area I open, grab what I need and slam it shut.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Maplessharon said:

I also have a pantry full of things he liked, but I don't. One day I'll clean it out and take it to the food bank, but for the now the pantry is another area I open, grab what I need and slam it shut.

I'm with you there. My pantry has lots of items in it meant for making large dinner spreads for special times and during the holidays. None of it is needed now. 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear DWS,

I have experienced crying all of a sudden, while I was in the grocery store. I was shopping then suddenly tears started pouring down in remembrance of my mother and grandmother. It's also difficult for me to drive past the hospitals that they were in. I even changed insurance companies, so that I would not have to go to the hospital where my mother, grandmother and grandfather were treated. What eases my pain is remembering that while the void I feel in my heart may not disappear, life is still worth living. With God’s tender help, I can still enjoy warm friendships and a purposeful life. And soon God will resurrect the dead. He wants us to be able to embrace our loved ones again. Then that pain in our heart will be healed forever!

[KayC]

I spent two days washing my crystal and china cabinet/contents.  You have to do it all by hand, it's a lot of work.  It looks pretty but I wonder why I have it, what to do with it.  It's been ten years since my kids came here for the family holidays, and neither of them want it.  It makes me think of times gone by when this was a bustling happy place.  Now I value my peace and quiet...when/how did I change?  Life has it's seasons, so it seems.

[Dragonfly999]

We really enjoyed ceramics as art and so besides our everyday plates and such we have all these beautiful little pieces we collected from all over, like all the small little plates they use to serve in Japan, Turkish bowls, a hand painted set from Tunisia. Most of the special ones are boughten in sets of two, since 95% of the time it was just us. And we loved to cook so much I have this whole kitchen full of cookware, and I feel like all of it is useless now. I’ve been using the same bowl and spoon where I eat standing in the kitchen at the counter, wash it, and set it in the drying rack, then repeat.

It feels like the beauty went out of life and it’s just utilitarian now. We looked at every meal as an experience, even at home we took time for presentation by making it look nice on the plate and sitting down together to enjoy what we’d created. Now I eat just because I have to. And nothing tastes right anyway.

[Jemiga70]

On 5/30/2022 at 1:59 AM, LMR said:

I too have moved countries. I'm still not sure that I've done the right thing.

I couldnt stay where we were, but didnt really want to move to where I am.  However, moving was the best decision.  Don't know if I'll stay here long term. Day by day...

 

12 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I’ve been using the same bowl and spoon where I eat standing in the kitchen at the counter, wash it, and set it in the drying rack, then repeat.

It feels like the beauty went out of life and it’s just utilitarian now.

We too have bowls and plates from Asia and other places; thankfully they bring me comfort.  I hope they always bring me comfort.  But this, what you wrote, you took the words from my mouth.  The whole past year I've lived like that.  Utilitarian.  Eat to power the body and for no other reason.

[tnd]

12 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

Now I eat just because I have to. And nothing tastes right anyway.

I hear ya...Mealtimes for us were always a special time for my husband and I. Now I just chew, swallow and try to forget about it. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I have this whole kitchen full of cookware, and I feel like all of it is useless now.

I did stamp art and die cutting for 35 years, then came two years ago when my hands sustained major injuries, I lost most of my strength in them and live with continual pain...my room full of these tools/supplies gathers dust.  I have waited to see if this would improve as I have thousands of dollars into it, but also don't have the strength to clean it out.  A couple of years ago my son told me I got a lot of enjoyment out of them all these years so don't regret getting all this stuff.  Now he says, "So do you ever USE this stuff?"  I can't even answer, my kids have no clue how limited my abilities are now and what my life has become.  Growing old alone among memories of ghosts past.

22 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

It feels like the beauty went out of life and it’s just utilitarian now.

Yep, just like that.

It helps me to get out and really look at nature, it's so restorative!  It helps our perspective, to have a fresh look at things.  I need to do that more.

 

[GaryAllen]

No stories here.  My big refrigerator is empty most of the time.   I absolutely hate going to the grocery store to stock up, makes me feel twice as lonely but it's got to be done.  Of course I was never much of a cook so I can't say it's just b/c of my wife's passing.   Nevertheless, still one of the things in this new life I struggle with.  

[widower2]

I've gotten very lazy in my "cooking." If you can't nuke it or grill it, forget it   Honestly I just hate making meals for one. It's become my least favorite chore because I have to do it multiple times a day and it's gotten so old, so I keep it very simple. Chop, dice, mix, seriously? No thanks. It cracks me up when I see one of these cooking shows with a recipe with all these steps and ingredients and they're going "the best part is it's so easy!" 

[KayC]

I used to feel that way and didn't care what I ate, but it led to gaining weight and health issues so I had to take the bull by the horns and start taking a vested interest in my health, which meant cooking healthy.  It's become my life now.  I imagine my husband, if it was him left, would be feeling the same as you guys, for he didn't cook either.  I loved cooking for him, it was an act of love, and so hard to do "just for me."  But I've had to learn to value myself and that means doing good things for myself, even if it is just me.  

Now that I help run diabetic groups I have to come up with recipes to post for people every day, and it involves searching and trying them out!  Where I live it's a 100 mile trip to town to buy groceries and I go every two weeks.  I have to stock up for there's no "running to the store" for something I run out of.  Living in the country, George and I always made a day of it, going to see out of town friends, grab a pizza, then get groceries and head home.  He'd bring them in while I put them away, we were a team.  Now my "partner" is a wheelbarrow...not quite the same.

 

[Ronni_W]

Same. I was preparing my supper-for-one last night, and the word that came, uninvited, into my mind was "pathetic". And then it got expanded to 'sad and pathetic'. That's how me cooking for myself makes me feel. (My husband was the chef, and I was the 'cleaner-upper'.)

I only very recently decided to use Walmart Grocery to get my stuff delivered (found the delivery charge to be most reasonable), and am doing frozen veggies and fries -- already all chopped, sliced and diced for me, and canned beans, tuna and peaches in light syrup.   For me, another saving grace, as it were, is that a friend talked me into buying an air fryer. I did it out of "being nice" but, holy hannah!, do I love that thing. Quick and easy and no major pots-and-pans-and-skillet washing. Every time I speak with her now, I tell her thanks.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

a friend talked me into buying an air fryer. I did it out of "being nice" but, holy hannah!, do I love that thing.

Yep, I love mine!  I just tried out this recipe, have made them twice, and it's a keeper...now I cook everything I can in it!

Keto Pork Chops –Air Fryer

·        2 pork chops ½” (1” takes more than double)

·        2 Tbsp olive oil

·        2 tsp garlic salt (1 ½ tsp salt, 1/2 tsp garlic pwdr)

·        Heaping 1 tsp oregano

·        1 tsp onion powder

·        1 tsp paprika

·        1 tsp rosemary

·        1 tsp sweetener

·        ½ tsp black pepper

·        ¼ tsp cayenne pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1.   Add all the dry rub seasonings to a bowl (garlic salt, oregano, onion powder, paprika, rosemary, sweetener, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and a pinch of chili powder) and mix to combine. Set aside for later.

2.   Pat both sides of the pork chops dry with a paper towel.

3.   Coat both sides of the pork chops in olive oil. Evenly distribute all of the dry rub on the pork chops.

4.   I like to stick this meat thermometer into one of the pork chops and set the thermometer to cook at 145°F.

5.   Put the seasoned pork chops in the air fryer basket and cook them at 400°F (205°C) for around *6-12  minutes each side.

6.   Once the pork chops reach an internal temp of 140°F, pull them out of the air fryer and let them rest until they reach 145°F.
 

Note: Mine weren't uniform thickness, some took a lot longer, keep checking temp until they're done, some will need removed sooner than others. *Mine have to cook longer than he said, last batch was about 1/2" thick

Serving Size: 1 serving Calories: 250 Fat: 18 Carbohydrates: 1 Protein: 23

 

Can also use for Chicken Breasts, pound to ½” and air fry 8 min.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWcc_qetK0M

[Carol34]

The fist time I walked into Kroger after Paul died, I almost collapsed in tears.  Not only was it the place we always went together, it was also the place where I picked up his prescriptions and cases of Ensure during his illness.  It was more than I could handle, and I wasn't prepared for the waves of sadness.

It's gotten better, although I've still been brought to tears a few times lately.  There are aisles I don't need to shop in anymore, since I'm the only one at home.  I'm allergic to meat, so I don't need to even look at that aisle.  We used to spend Friday nights on the patio, drinking beer (him) and wine (me).  But it doesn't even sound good anymore, so I skip that area too.  But sometimes, I'll be looking for something different for dinner, and a memory will pop up and derail my shopping trip.

I love to cook, and feeding him was something that made me feel good.  Feeding myself is just going through the motions.  I could live on yogurt, canned soup, and a few frozen items.  I'm thankful that my son and his family come over for dinner on Tuesday nights so I can cook something, and share it!

[Ronni_W]

On 6/22/2022 at 7:03 AM, KayC said:

Yep, I love mine!  I just tried out this recipe, have made them twice, and it's a keeper...now I cook everything I can in it!

KayC, thanks so much for this recipe! I've been doing a lot of pork chops (and chicken), but Ray was the chef. To be honest, I've always been clueless in the cooking end of the kitchen; however, I am really good on clean-up.   Your recipe calls for one teaspoon of 'sweetener' -- is regular granulated white sugar okay for that, or more like honey or maple syrup?

[KayC]

I'm on Keto for Diabetes so use natural sweetener like Monkfruit but if you can have sugar, sure, that would work!

[DWS]

Earlier this week, I was at the grocery store grabbing just a few things and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy who closely resembled my partner Tom....same height, same build wearing similar darker brown shorts in the style that Tom often wore, t-shirt, grey beard and was even wearing a baseball cap in a similar dark tan as Tom's. It caught me so off-guard that I could barely think. All I knew is that I needed to grab a couple more items and get out of there because I could feel a rush of emotions. He was there at the self-checkout...just like Tom would do. I paid for my groceries and was shaking on the way to my van. Tears welled up in my eyes on my drive home. Over these months, all I've had is photographs and memories to count on but here was this very physical presence that so closely reminded me of Tom. 

And then something similar happened late this afternoon...in the grocery store! This time, the guy wasn't as close in appearance but there was something in the way he walked and his actions that was very reminiscent. He was also wearing a mask and I had totally forgotten that in those two last years of our life together, I was seeing Tom wearing a mask any time we were grocery shopping. The guy today had a same sort of goofy way about him wearing that mask. Since today's encounter, it's been a mixture of tears and laughter when I remember Tom with his mask. Both of these encounters brought him right back into a clear vision of him...something that I was really needing. 

[KayC]

@DWS  I had something similar happen at the grocery story early in my grief journey...the back of the guy's neck/hair, build, etc. reminded me of George...I don't recall seeing his face, but it caught my heart in my throat and it beat a little faster...

[widower2]

Bump for an ordinary experience that yet can be very extraordinary for many of us.

[RichS]

These days when my son and I go to the grocery store, TWO things tug at our heartstrings. As soon as we enter our store, there's a flower stand there. Ross and I often picked her up a small bouquet of flowers to surprise her when we got home. She had to avoid public places because of her leukemia. She especially loved purple flowers. When we brought them home, she often say, "Why did you guys do that?" but she had them in a vase in little time.

Secondly, the music. We've been in store many times when one of her favorite tunes get played. This has happened to us in other places as well. Is she trying to let us know that all is well with her in heaven????? If so, we know she's happy...............

[KayC]

For me it was the 100 mile trip to the valley and back for groceries.  We always made a day of it.  We'd buy a pizza and go to friends first and then get groceries, him bagging and me eagle eyeing the clerk ringing things up. We'd drive home, him bringing the groceries in, me putting them away.  Sigh...I miss him.  I loved our life together.

[DWS]

Things have lightened since the days when I started this thread but I still haven't set foot in one particular grocery store...despite its convenience of being on a well-worn path to one of my customer's location. One of the things I do now is self-checkout which is something that I was dead set against before I met Tom. I was one who didn't want these corporate entities taking away needed jobs...and admittedly, I also didn't know how to do it! Can't there be just one thing in this crazy world that I don't need to learn how to do!?!

But Tom showed me the convenience of it particularly when you only have a couple of items. I watched him do it so effortlessly. Amazed I was!! If this guy, who is seven years older than me can do it, I should be able to figure it out too. I vividly remember the first time nervously trying with him watching over my shoulder. I was still skeptical about using self-checkout but during this grueling time of grief, it's been a godsend. No small talk and trying to crack a smile at the cashier...just scan my items by myself, pay and go. Every time I use it, I feel his presence...and he'd be just wowed and proud at how quick and effortless I do it now.