my mom is gone and i don’t know how to live

[skye finn]

my mother died yesterday, april 13th 2022 at 12:38 pm in a rehabilitation center. she had been trying her best to get better for me (her only child who’s 19) after a long history of drug abuse and medical conditions. the one she was recovering from was a broken bone in her leg that was stunted in recovery due to her psoriatic arthritis. she hasn’t been home for 3 months at a time in 2 years. yesterday morning she woke up to nurses changing her, asked for more sleep, then went to sleep without waking up again. we believe her congestive heart failure was too severe and her heart gave out in her sleep. none of us expected this, not a single person. so now my household is just me (her 19 y/o daughter), my father (her 51 y/o husband) and my grandmother (her 86 y/o mother). the guilt is crushing me. i can’t get myself to stop crying, and every message i get sending me condolences just makes it worse. i should’ve went to see her this week. i should’ve called when i had a dream where she passed. there’s so much i could’ve done and yet.. there’s nothing left to do. her funeral is next week, and i don’t know how i can go on without her. my thoughts are dark and i’m looking for any sign of her in anything. i miss her. i need her. and i don’t know how to live the rest of my life without her. 

[MomsLovingSon]

Really sorry about your loss. That's awful. I know that it's really hard right now (trust me, my mom's funeral was this morning) but I don't think that you should blame yourself. It's not as if you didn't see her because you wanted to hurt her or anything. At the same time I know that hearing that (now at least) doesn't help much. In time though you'll probably forgive yourself, as you should. It's going to be scary and you're going to miss her, but if you can, try to keep yourself from being too isolated. Talk to people that you love and trust. Don't feel guilty about venting and expressing your feelings about it. I hope that your mom is at peace now and I hope that you and your family can find comfort in one another.

[BeThePond]

Imagine you are sitting next to yourself and you are talking to yourself and this miniature you is your best friend. Say the following to yourself:

"Hey You, yes You, I'm talking to YOU!!

You are such an amazing person and your mother was the most amazing person and she lived an amazing life and did so many great things. She will always be there for you even though she left this place. She loved you so much and wants you to know that everything is going to be ok. You are such a strong an amazing person. Now go be alone somewhere and cry as much as you need to cry. It's ok to have feelings. Your feelings are just letting you know how much you loved your mother and how much she still loves you. Cry as much and as long as you need to cry. Don't let anyone tell you to move on because you will never move on because you loved your mother so much and she loved you more than anything on this entire planet. I love YOU so much and want YOU to know what an amazing and strong person you are. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You.