Death of my wife at age of 42

[Aman]

One month has passed and the pain is increasing in my inner side. She died due to silent attack and we could not share even the last talks. My two minor sons look at me as they are searching for their mother inside me but I am feeling totally helpless, broken and feeling less inside me. How to recover from the pain and how I will be able to handle my responsibilities. 

[PLin]

Sending love Aman. It is so difficult. You have children looking to you for support which is a challenge when it is so hard to even comfort ourselves. There is no answer to the pain of grief. It is just a process we have to go through. That does not offer any of us much solace in the immediate future, I know. Just keep posting and receiving support from the group. 

[Canadagirl81]

I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss Aman. You are with people here who understand completely that there really is no understanding this. Grief is insane, the emotions ebb and flow and we cycle through many different ones sometimes even in a matter of minutes. You are having to be so strong for your children now and I must commend you for that. Talking openly about how you all feel together will be very healing and of course, crying and just flowing with whatever emotions come up in all of you will be all you can do. It's so fresh and new, just be kind to yourself and find comfort in your sons. If you feel you need to reach out for professional help, there are many resources.  @KayC will have many for you. You aren't alone here, we all have each other. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Aman said:

One month has passed and the pain is increasing in my inner side. She died due to silent attack and we could not share even the last talks. My two minor sons look at me as they are searching for their mother inside me but I am feeling totally helpless, broken and feeling less inside me. How to recover from the pain and how I will be able to handle my responsibilities. 

I am so sorry, that is so young, my daughter is turning 40 in two months, I can't imagine.  I'm glad you have your children, they will be a blessing in life, but it must seem a lot right now.  Accept any help people offer you.  Do you have support nearby?  There are books to help children with grief, depending on their age as to which ones.
Children's Books About Death and Grief - What's Your Grief
Children's Books to Help with Grief
Children Books-Waterbugs and Dragonflies
Children Books-The Invisible String
Children Books-Lifetimes

Take one day at a time, one hour or even minute in the earlier time.  Try not to tackle everything at once, prioritize, if you accomplish one small thing a day (or week) that's doing well!  Don't forget to eat something, if you can't eat, make a smoothie, drink water.  Take your kids on a walk, it relieves stress and helps you feel better.

We welcome you here and hope you'll continue coming here, it helps us process our grief to get it out, even if only venting, this is a good sounding board.  It helps to have a place where others get it and understand (and care).  Most your age would not, our friends were in their 40s when my husband died (he was barely 51) and they disappeared with lightening speed so I hope you stay in touch with your friends, it helps. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KMkm]

I reach out to my family and my late wife's friends.  I also just come here to read and write.  My kids are 9 and 7 and they take up most of my time.  They are a blessing cause without them I would have probably given up.  I focus on their well being and try to work hard at keeping them safe and happy.  It stops my brain from focusing on how I feel.  It only helps a little but I get through the day finding small jobs to do.  It has been 4 months for me and it is still hard but not as hard as the first few.  In my experience I had to tell my stupid brain to stop focusing on the bad...which is alot and start to appreciate what my wife gave me.  I'm not saying it will be easy but life isn't and losing a loved one especially a spouse can cripple you.  Please ask for help wherever you can cause we all need it.  I'm a stubborn 44 year old man and for some reason my brain thinks I can do it all.  I can't and I hope you find strength and inner peace.  We are all here for you.  

[KayC]

I'm going through this with the death of my sister 2 weeks, 5 days ago, am trying to call someone every day (I have her address book)...

[RN-Nix]

@AmanI'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words that will comfort you during this trying time. I wish we had answers for you but we dont and unfortunately there's no road map that will tell you at what point the pain will lessen. Children are so vulnerable but they are also resilient. Hug them tight to reassure them that you are still there for them. We are here for you!