Lost my dad suddenly but nothing feels as if it has changed

[Chumbawumba]

On 30th December 2021, I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack. Our relationship has historically been turbulent involving mental, spiritual, emotional and sometimes physical abuse; mainly from my dad. Topped with that, my family eventually sided with him and it was majority rules in the household. I officially left home few years ago and spent the following years sofa surfing and trying to find my feet in life. As difficult and painful the history between us was; I made the effort to put myself through counselling and therapy to benefit from help and receive healing. It also helped me gain a better understanding that the cause of my dad's behaviour was down to his experience of being abused as a child and therefore repeating the same cycle. Culturally as an Indian parent and me being the eldest child; I guess it made sense to him to make an example out of me by measuring me to standards that were constantly changing and unattainable. Spiritually, it made no sense as dad was also a Christian and his fathering did not line up with the way Bible teaches parents to love their kids. Confusing. 

However I made peace with the fact that no matter how hard I tried and wanted to - it was unfixable as it needed both parties subscribed to it, and I accepted it for that. In the meantime, my intentions toward my dad was clear: I had dropped every record of wrong doing, forgiven him and even myself, my door would always be open for him and I would always be waiting in the middle for him in order for us to move forward. Dad just needed to meet me somewhere in the middle for that to happen. 

And then the unimaginable happened. I received a call on Boxing Day that dad had collapsed suddenly. Was given wrong / misleading information by family concerning his condition which I learned was actually critical rather than recoverable which I was made to believe. I found this out the day after he passed away by my younger sister in her screaming match. 

I since organised his funeral and made sure dad received a send off that was noble and honouring to him. Everyone that attended (physically and virtually) praised it and my mum was pleased that dad was sent off well. There were no complaints and according to everyone: it could not have gone better.

It has been months since he passed away but the trauma of not being given the right information still lingers over me. I find it weird that I am living everyday as if nothing has changed (dad and I would talk at least once a week and that would typically last seconds) The only thing that is different is being able to talk to him about my financial worries and now I have no one to speak to about that. But my mind and body are exhausted. I am keeping up my regular habits of exercise, eating nutritiously, trying to get enough water and fresh air; but all I want to do is sleep. 

Anyone else out there with similar experiences?

[reader]

I am sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. We all look back and think about all the different possible outcomes It's normal part of grief. It sounds like you're doing the best you can to get through each day. Sometimes sleeping too much or too little is also part of mourning and grieving our loved ones. It's been 5 years for me and I still have a hard time coming to terms that things could have been better with my dad. I deeply regret our lack of communication.

Please take care and know we are here.