How To Cope When You Have No Family Left?

[achysor]

I lost my mom somewhat suddenly, in the beginning of 2013, in another state & she didn't want me to come to her. I respected her wishes & that is my BIGGEST regret. She died alone in an hospital. The unofficial death was suicide. My father has always been toxic & abusive. He got between me & my kids. So, I chose to be estranged from him, & my kids chose to be estranged from me. I have no siblings. His side of the family hasn't reached out to me since I walked away from him. Not surprising since they've enabled him his entire life. As for my mother side of the family, she was adopted. & while she did get contacted by some of her siblings, she didn't stay in contact. Or at least, all info I could find, was out-of-date. I'm disabled, mobility challenged, & ultimately alone.

Even after 9 years, I still find myself thinking of emailing her, or texting her with something I thought she would be interested. or just have a friendly chat. I realized how much of her I never really knew, when I was taking care of her estate. She was a very private person. She had been traumatized as a kid, & then by my father. He got custody, & so you can imagine what came next. I've been in counseling on & off since age 4. I will be 50 this year. A milestone I would love to have shared with her.

I'm angry. I'm angry with myself for not going out there anyway, so at least she wouldn't have been alone. I'm angry at my father for causing her & I to drift apart. I'm angry at her, & don't want to be, for telling me thru a friend not to come to her. I'm angry with the way she died. But, i don't want to be angry at her. I'm angry that I'm all alone. I'm angry I didn't know her better.

I see my therapist twice a week, but with all of my other traumas throughout my life, my grief for her doesn't even come up in the top 10 topics we cover. As for friends... the best I have are some online gaming acquaintances. I try to compartmentalize, bring her memory up for short period of time, & then put her back in the shoe box so-to-speak. But, every now & again she slips out unbidden. I do breathing exercises, try to meditate, distract, watching fun/funny vids online, listen to music. But, it doesn't bring her back, doesn't erase my guilt, doesn't make me less lonely & isolated. Just with a nasty emotional hangover, that hydrating can't fix.

[reader]

Dear achysor,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. (((hugs))) I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and I know it's horribly painful. It sounds like you've done everything you can to carry on. 

I think you said it best and I don't think these difficult feelings will ever go away. We have to try and live with them and keep going forward the best we can. 

Please know we here with you and this is a safe place to express yourself.