The ocean makes me sad now

[jaimeleigh]

I decided I need a break and a little self care, so I came to the ocean. I have always loved the water, and still do, but looking at it now feels overwhelmingly sad. 

I don’t know what it is. I have come to the beach many times with my Mom, but that was long ago, and we have been many other places that were more special to us. 
 

I don’t know if it’s because the ocean brings a sense of calm, and takes away the stresses of everyday life, leaving me with room to really process and grieve. 
 

It could be because the ocean is supposed to bring a sense of calm, but doesn’t anymore. 
 

Or maybe it’s because I can picture my Mom with her toes in the sand and her hair full of sea salt, lit by the sun on the water, and she looks so beautiful. Maybe the ocean is the only thing that comes close to being as beautiful as she was. 
 

 

[ADM925]

3 hours ago, jaimeleigh said:

It could be because the ocean is supposed to bring a sense of calm, but doesn’t anymore. 

We had a small boat which we took out on the harbor / LI Sound.  Mom absolutely loved it and it even made her excruciating migraines go away.  We lost Dad in 2000 and I lost my beloved Mother who was my entire world on 7/17/21.  People constantly tell me to go look at the water but I can't look at it or even at pictures anymore because it makes the already unbearable heartbreak and constant panic even worse.

3 hours ago, jaimeleigh said:

Or maybe it’s because I can picture my Mom with her toes in the sand and her hair full of sea salt, lit by the sun on the water, and she looks so beautiful. Maybe the ocean is the only thing that comes close to being as beautiful as she was. 

I got tears from this.  It is past 8 1/2 months and gets worse every day.  I come here because I'm totally alone in an empty house that's hanging by a thread, and the people I know just don't get that life is now a 24/7 living hell with the end as the only escape.  I try to explain reliving the horrors of the ventilator and tracheostomy and the 3-month separation and how she left me while I was taking care of her at home and they sound bored and remind me about my next appointment.  Mom was my only loved one and sole refuge in the world; we were inseparable.  Being alone is a nightmare and with people it's worse.  Yesterday I found my 6th birthday card from Mom and Dad and broke down again.  I've said enough and wish you whatever relief you can somehow find.  I can't find any.  Thanks for listening to a terrified child in an old man's body.   

[jaimeleigh]

I’m so, SO sorry for your loss and your pain. Reading this hit so close to home, because my Mom also was on a vent and a trach, for the last 4 years. Just when I feel so alone and like nobody understands the pain, something like this reminds me that someone will ALWAYS understand, even just some parts. My mom was my world and my best friend. I try to be thankful for the 24 years we had, but I would give anything for 24 more. 

My mom took me to the Long Island sound once. I was a little girl and I had an obsession with collecting shells. 
 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. You have managed to make me feel less alone in a matter of minutes. 

[ADM925]

On 4/3/2022 at 11:42 PM, jaimeleigh said:

my Mom also was on a vent and a trach, for the last 4 years.

Thanks for your very kind thoughts and words.  It's very difficult because I don't know anyone personally who has gone through the nightmare horror and extreme heartbreak of seeing a loved one hungry and thirsty and not allowed so much as a drop of water.  They tell me "just don't think about it", which is impossible.  It is like something from Dante's Inferno, and it will never stop haunting me.  Mom and I loved to dine out and when we no longer could we ordered in or I cooked nutritious meals for us.  That now seems like a previous existence that I'm yearning for and dreaming about while in hell.  Again thank you for your kindness.         

[teaav]

On 4/6/2022 at 9:39 AM, ADM925 said:

Thanks for your very kind thoughts and words.  It's very difficult because I don't know anyone personally who has gone through the nightmare horror and extreme heartbreak of seeing a loved one hungry and thirsty and not allowed so much as a drop of water.  They tell me "just don't think about it", which is impossible.  It is like something from Dante's Inferno, and it will never stop haunting me.  Mom and I loved to dine out and when we no longer could we ordered in or I cooked nutritious meals for us.  That now seems like a previous existence that I'm yearning for and dreaming about while in hell.  Again thank you for your kindness.         

I'm so saddedend by your words, I'm sending you hugs 💗

After my mom passed, I thought I would never forget the sounds of her struggling for her life in the next room while I put earphones in in order to sleep (still can't sleep without white noise of some kind). Even though I don't think of it as often as I used to, it's still horrendous when I think of it. It'll take us time to heal, I wish you good luck💗

[ESM]

On 4/3/2022 at 10:40 PM, ADM925 said:

I come here because I'm totally alone in an empty house that's hanging by a thread, and the people I know just don't get that life is now a 24/7 living hell with the end as the only escape. 

I'm sorry to hear it's still so bad for you. I too, am once again in an empty house. My Step dad went to the hospital yesterday because he wasn't feeling well. They're going to keep him for a night or two to do some tests, so hopefully it's nothing serious. But as a result, I'm alone in the house. And with him out of the house, and the lack of my mother's presence, The emptiness of the house is just crushing.

On 4/3/2022 at 10:40 PM, ADM925 said:

Yesterday I found my 6th birthday card from Mom and Dad and broke down again. 

I just had something very similar to me happen. I came across an old note from my mother that said she prays that I live a life free of fear and anxiety. And yet here I am living a life enveloped in nothing but fear and anxiety 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with seemingly no end in sight. I know I sound like a broken record at this point, but I just hope that we all find a little peace of mind and happiness moving forward. Try to be well everyone.

[EmmaO21]

My father had a short battle with a rare cancer (a sarcoma in his chest wall lining) and spent his last two months in a hospital, tracheostomy/feeding tube/lung drain pipe/the whole damn works. It was an absolute nightmare... I hate thinking of the agony he endured. He went from the most cheerful guy in the room to skin and bones in the end. He left behind a terrible terrible void. On the outside I seem fine but on the inside I am irreversibly broken, and I know I will be for the rest of my life. I am 32, so that's what? Another 30-40 years of this? What bullshit. Life can be so cruel... but then I stumbled on your post and I remembered that I am not alone.

And you are not alone in this either. Maybe that's just what we need to make it through another day. I have random breakdowns here and there... the most random things trigger my tears. 

I am also avoiding the ocean because my father loved the ocean too. I remember going on beach holidays as a child with my family and I was always swimming with him. I'd hold on to his neck as he would swim out far and teach me how to swim. Just him and I. And now I am scared to go near a beach because I will break all over again.