I miss my dad.

[Sam_love]

On December 31, 2021 I was very sick. I was getting cold and hot. I had body aches. My dad asked me if I wanted him to take me to a night clinic. But I told him no i did not want to risk getting him sick. I dont live with my parents and im a grown woman, so i thought this was such a nice gesture. The whole night my parents called me and text me to make sure I was OK. The next day I felt the same I woke up early and went to stand in line at a clinic. It was very cold and the line was fairly long with all kinds of sick people. I felt horrible and could barely stand. I felt so weak. My dad offered to go stand in line for me, so that I could sit down in the car and stay warm. I declined again. I didnt want to risk getting him sick. Well an hour later i was told I had Covid. 

When I got home I called my mom and told her. We hung up and not even an hour later I got a frantic call from my brother telling me something was wrong with my dad. He was cold and foaming from his mouth. He told me to go to my moms. I told him I couldn't and had just been told I have Covid. My mom has underlining conditions and I just couldn't risk getting her sick. No less then an hour later I got another call. My dad did not make it. We were told he passed due to natural cause. We checked with his doctors and he did not have any medical conditions. He just fell asleep and did not wake up.

It has been 4 months since I lost my dad and i just can't figure out why or how this happened. I keep thinking someone just had to be there at the right time to wake him up. I keep thinking maybe if he took me to the clinic the night before he'd still be here. Maybe if he took my place in line he'd still be here. Maybe if I hadn't got Covid I would have been at his house I could have woken him up. It has been so hard. My dad was not old or weak to just die of natural causes. I think had there been a reason other then this then it would make the situation just a tad bit better to deal with. we need a reason. I know i should be grateful that he passed in his sleep and felt no pain. Natural causes does not make sense. I need it to make sense. My mom needs it to make sense. 

[Traz]

Dear Sam_love,

What a tragic thing to have happened to your Dad and your family. I am so very sorry. And you being very ill with Covid and trying to cope with such a sudden loss...  I just can't imagine how difficult that would be. 

I can understand wanting and needing answers. Absolutely. I know at times doctors are at a loss to find an exact cause of death, even when an autopsy is performed. That is so hard for families, especially when there were no underlying health conditions to give clues. It doesnt help either, when well-meaning people tell you: "it must have been his time." 

I hope in time, that you all will be able to find peace and closure. Stay well. Xo