Do You Ever Get Angry You Didn't Get Your Happily Ever After?

[Rhonda R]

I try really hard not to compare myself, my marriage, or the love I have (and still have) for my husband to anyone else.  Even so, I look around at all the other people with their happily ever after and I wonder, why not us?  What did I do?  What did we do?  Why don't we get our happily ever after?  I get angry...still.  I can't help it.  I know there is no answer to this question but I still can't help but wonder about it often.  

[typesettergirl]

I don't feel "angry" necessarily but I do understand where you are coming from. 

[KayC]

It used to be hard to see other couples, I'm pretty well used to it by now.  I think anger is a common grief feeling particularly in the earlier years.  Now I try to be happy for others that they get what we were gypped out of (or so it feels).
Anger & Jealousy in Grief
Anger at God
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?
Apologizing for Expressing the Anger of Grief

[Loriii]

I used to be bitter and somehow angry seeing other people posting stuff in social media like happy couples and pictures of complete family with kids, etc. But right now, I just learn to ignore them and feel slightly neutral, I guess. Like, it's their lives and not my life and they don't directly affect my life so there's no point being angry anymore. I I've been feeling "angry" about different things though, and it's complicated than even my grief. I'm angry about what my life has become since my partner passed away.  Anyway, I understand where you're coming from, if sometimes, you cannot help it. It's normal to feel that way at times.

[SSC]

@Rhonda R yes, I feel as you do.  I try to suppress it but ultimately I am bitter about not having the life I worked so hard for.  We both have been “coping” for 3+ years and understand what our future looks like.  I’m learning to accept living alone, appreciate the little joys in life, find my own ways of entertainment with friends, and dealing with the huge sadness of missing my husband.  Because I am a believer in the afterlife I often think of my future with him there and wonder when will I see him again.  My life now is a fraction of what it used to be.  I can’t help it.  I will never be the same person I once was.

[RN-Nix]

@Rhonda R I don't get angry. I just look at them and say their lives was destined to be that way and not mine. The feeling I have is sadness not anger. I am of the same mindset as SSC ...i think a lot about seeing him in the after life and wonder "when" will I see him again and looking forward to a continuation of what we began here . Tonight I am more teary because the weekends were ours. I feel extremely lonely. I don't go out because I'm new in my area. I feel like I lost my friend and the future we could have had here. I do get where you're coming from ..I feel "disappointed" and "slighted", I feel like I deserve that happy ever after love but that's just not the hand I was dealt.  I don't even think about that.  I think more about my emptiness. 

[unmukt]

I get so angry, so pained that we won't get to live this life together. I get so angry at our fate that it took him away so so early at just 25. He didn't deserve this, we both didn't deserve this. We had just begun dreaming of a life together...i am trying to somehow redirect my anger to feeling kind that atleast we had so so much love and always will have..but some moments come and crash me down. I am still trying to cope..

[tnd]

I feel more sad than angry that my husband and I didn't get to enjoy our golden years together. We had gone through so much in recent years and were finally  coming out of that hole when he became ill and then died. He had worked so hard to provide us a good life. We really didn't want much, we enjoyed a simple life. We saw others who seemingly had a lot but they weren't enjoying it or appreciative of what they had. They would have never survived a day in our shoes. And then after my husband died my own brother abandoned me, saying that "he wasn't the one to have caused it" (me with no money) and then added that "he isn't the guy that is going to give me a happily ever after". I thought that was a very cruel and sick thing to say. So yes, I feel cheated but feel bad that my husband had suffered in the end and had his life cut short. He didn't need to provide me a "happily ever after" because it was he who made me most happy. He could have just sat near me all day and I would've been happy. Now I feel sorry for my brother because between him and his wife and despite anything he had provided, they are both miserable. They "have all their toys but no joy". Thank God my husband and I had joy in our hearts. 

[HisPumpkin]

I have moments of anger. I get angry at myself for not bring able to save him, I get angry at him for not taking better care of himself, and for leaving me behind when he promised he never would, that we’d have decades (that one is very fleeting, and always overridden by extreme guilt). I get mostly angry at the universe for ripping him from me as we were just beginning. I get angry at life in general and wonder what the point is: he was my happy ever after, after so many years of struggle. I feel like I’ve been fighting my whole life to be happy, through a lot of trauma, and then I found something beautiful, healthy and safe and we didn’t even get a full year.  I feel like I cursed him and if he hadn’t met me he would still be alive. That sounds dramatic, I guess, but it’s hard.

I have had a few moments of anger seeing couples. Anger that there are so many people who take each other for granted, fight over stupid things, go through the motions. D and I never did, but we didn’t get hardly any time. 

Im not angry at the people. I’m angry at the universe. But the anger is probably 1%. Mostly I’m incredibly sad, with waves of despair. Or numbly despondent. 

[KayC]

We didn't get the golden years either, long before "retirement" so gypped out of that.  I try not to think about it, my life is about survival now and has been the last 17 years.

[MissAlex]

I get so angry that the future we'd planned together was taken away, and that now I'm having to face the unknown all by myself. My husband passed a year and a half ago and for probably the first 9 months I couldn't bear to see happy couples, watch movies about love, none of it. I tried channeling my grief and rage into something productive, so I resumed my gardening. It devolved into what my daughter refers to as "rage digging." I'd start digging and ended up tearing at the bare earth until my fingers bled because I was so angry and miserable that I wanted to rip away at the earth until there was nothing left. It just isn't fair! Why don't I get to have love in my life when it seems like everyone around me has their soulmate. 

It's starting to get better though. I started writing letters to my husband, telling him all the things I wished I could say to him again, telling him about my life now. It helped, a lot more than I would have thought. It helped me work through a lot of the anger and resentment it seemed like I couldn't let go of. I've gotten the courage to try going on a date with an old friend and I can see the potential there. I had to remember that my husband would want me to be happy, not be miserable and alone for the rest of my life. I still feel sad and I'll probably grieve and mourn him for the rest of my life, but I've started to feel hopeful, that maybe I can be happy again. I hope that you can find happiness and hopefulness too. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, MissAlex said:

It's starting to get better though. I started writing letters to my husband

It helps.  I have a "Letters to George" file in my word documents.  Originally I journaled in a spiral notebook but eventually destroyed as I didn't want anyone else reading it if I died (It's been 17 years next month).  Now I just talk out loud to him.  We have to have a way to connect with them!

Continuing beyond physical death
Continuing Bonds - rituals
Continuing Relationships

[RN-Nix]

@KayCI'm the opposite. I have a little pink journal and I don't mind if my sons read it when I'm gone.. I think they will get to see how much i loved this man.....smh

[KayC]

My kids know, it was the only time in my life I had reciprocal love, and he was a wonderful stepfather to them, they love and appreciate his time in our lives.

[MissAlex]

I'll probably let my daughter read them when she gets older, though I may still have to edit it for some content lol. But then again, it might help her to understand the complexities of our relationship.

[KayC]

I don't know how old your daughter is but perhaps a book would help for now?
Children's Books to Help with Grief
Children's Books About Death and Grief - What's Your Grief
Children Books-Lifetimes
Children Books-Waterbugs and Dragonflies
Children Books-The Invisible String

Children, Teens & Grief

[MissAlex]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I don't know how old your daughter is 

She's 8, too young for frank discussions about our sex life or the graphic details of his drug use and abuse. She sees a therapist and I'm considering putting her in a grief therapy group for kids in her age range so she can talk to her peers who have gone through similar things. She's kind of resistant to me idea: she's an old soul who sometimes gets frustrated with kids her own age because she's a very mature for her age and has a difficult time trying to find common ground. It's my fault: she was glued to my hip at the beginning of the pandemic when my mother (to whom she was extremely devoted) passed away, and because I was grieving I didn't dissuade her. My kid and I formed a little community of two and it's been a challenge for both of us to come out of this hard shell we made around us to keep us safe. Thank you for the book recommendations: she's an avid reader, reads far above her grade level (exactly like I was at her age, she truly is my Mini Me) so anything to read is always welcome.

[Rhonda R]

When I say I’m angry, I’m not angry at the people who get their forever, I’m jealous. The main emotion behind anger is often sadness, and that’s what I am, jealous and sad. I try very hard to appreciate the good things that happen to me as well as the good times, but even that has a bit of sadness because he’s not here with me. I retire in 11 months and if he were still here with me, that would look completely different than it does now. I dread the day my girls marry as that will be a painful day without him, even though he is their stepdad and not their biological dad, who is still in their lives. When he found out he was sick, he put aside money for their wedding dresses because he wanted them to know the day was important to him. I was important to him. I’m a very strong and independent person, but I never knew lonely until him. 

[MissAlex]

43 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

When I say I’m angry, I’m not angry at the people who get their forever, I’m jealous. 

Rhonda R., I totally understand that. For me, the anger and jealousy just seem to feed one another in an endless loop that's just so hard to break. I thought that eventually I would become numb, and sometimes I do, but if anything my feelings have sharp, jagged edges that deflate me at every opportunity.

Congratulations on your impending retirement! That has to feel good, even though your loved one isn't there to share it with you. I find that those milestones are extremely bittersweet: you're supposed to be happy, and in part you are, but without that one person with whom you shared so much of yourself, it always feels like part of it is missing, like finishing a large and difficult puzzle only to have a piece missing which makes the finished product just... off.

My husband and I called each other our "puzzle piece," because we fit so well together. That makes it hard now to shape my life around that missing gap, but I'd like to think that he is there cheering me on from the sidelines, wanting me to have a good life.

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, MissAlex said:

She sees a therapist and I'm considering putting her in a grief therapy group for kids in her age range so she can talk to her peers who have gone through similar things.

I'm so glad you're doing this!  And she may be balking but that's where you, the mom, come in...you know best and she IS 8, she may be mature but not an adult yet!  Sometimes we have to do what's best for them.

I suggest going on Amazon and seeing if they tell a bit about it first, and seeing the age it's for and then looking around for it for often it can be bought cheaper elsewhere unless you have prime/free shipping.

23 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

When I say I’m angry, I’m not angry at the people who get their forever, I’m jealous. The main emotion behind anger is often sadness, and that’s what I am, jealous and sad.

I've always heard that hurt is behind anger.  When I went looking I found a lot of things can be a root cause, insecurity, hurt, pain, humiliation, loss of control, stress...the list goes on and on!

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/causes-of-anger-and-how-to-deal-with-it/

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I retire in 11 months

Yes it's totally a different ballgame without them, this was not my plan either!  But it IS nice to be away from the demands of work and in my case, commuting..  It helps to have a routine and purpose after working your whole life, perhaps something volunteer that's near and dear to your heart.  CONGRATULATIONS will be in order when it comes!  Not one person congratulated me the way it happened (I lost my job and had already looked for another for a whole year, age discrimination & recession, I knew it was time to throw in the towel).

[tnd]

On 5/6/2022 at 10:52 AM, Rhonda R said:

When he found out he was sick, he put aside money for their wedding dresses because he wanted them to know the day was important to him. I was important to him.

Wow! What a loving gesture on his part. I am so sorry for your loss and the sorrow you have. It pains me to see couples who fight and treat each other badly. Especially when they have kids and so much else in life. They really don't appreciate how quickly it can be lost. My husband and I not only respected each other but we also knew to enjoy life. Sounds like you and your husband knew too.