Heartbroken

[Lauren222]

Hi everyone.

I am new to this forum, and still finding my feet but I'll give this a go -

My beautiful, strong, inspiring and all-round incredible mum lost her battle with Covid-19 in August 2021. I am utterly heartbroken. She is my best friend, my confident, my everything - and I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that I'll never see her or speak to her again. I am 26 years old, and probably relied on her for far too much. I suffer from anxiety, and she was always at the end of the phone to offer me sound advice and always made me feel better. She really is the best mum I could ever ask for.

It breaks my heart to think about all of the milestones she won't be here for - my first home, first child, wedding day... All of the things we spoke about often and looked forward too. I was her only child, and we always felt a lot closer than just mother / daughter. We were genuine best friends. 

In the months that have passed, I have been surprised by my grief. I am usually a person who cries at literally everything, but I have been finding it difficult recently to really let it out. I feel numb, so numb as if there is a plug inside me which is stopping me from feeling the pain too much. I also feel guilty that I have been able to smile and laugh, although I know for a fact that is exactly what she would want. Who else has experienced this numbness? Does it eventually lift? I am nervous for what is to come. 

To anyone who has lost a parent, and those who have lost a parent specifically to Covid-19 - I am so sorry. The trauma, confusion, anger and isolation of the pandemic is overwhelming. It is so unfair. My mum was immunosuppressed following a kidney transplant in 2011, but she was fit and healthy and strong. I will never be able to process what this virus has done. 

I love and miss you so so much mum. Always.  

[unluckydaughter]

Dear Lauren222,

Very sorry for your loss. I lost my dear Dad to covid too, April 2021. His demise has been brutal on us. The anger, frustration, being unable to see him at the facility and shock has not changed even a bit although it is getting close to being a year.
 

You mentioned how you are unable to let out your grief completely. Please know that there is no particular way of grieving, although we may feel better if we cry it out. I think you are still in a shock and denial that is preventing you from crying out loud. I have noticed the same in me - my reaction most of the times is not proportional to the deep pain of losing Dad. I cannot cry. I feel helpless. I question why us! I’m often thinking if this is all true, if this is it.

However, these days I try to think or rather convince myself that he is with us. I don’t want to glorify he’s no more. I don’t want to put up his single picture on my wall.. instead I put a happy picture of him, my daughter and myself. I find solace by doing so. 
Try to think your mom is around you, guiding you, protecting you. That may make you feel better. I know it’s easier said than done, but we need to find a way to deal with this ourselves.

Initially I used to feel just like you - if I laughed at a joke I would immediately feel guilty. I felt how could I laugh when Dad is no more to enjoy this. But it has gotten a little better I must say. Sometimes it makes me think what is the point in life, other times I just go with the flow.

I know this wasn’t helpful. But I wanted to say you’re not alone. Covid came to take them away and turn our worlds upside down while people who are unaffected by this are so excited to be going back to normalcy. How unfair is this?! Although the pain is same throughout, we must and we learn to live with it and master it as we go.

 

[Foreveryoung]

I just lost my dad on March 24, so I can’t say if it gets better but I feel the exact same way you described. I usually am a highly emotional person who cries at Campbell’s soup commercials (not even joking, the one with the melting snowman always gets me). Yet I find myself rarely crying for as sad as I feel about my dad. I was very close to him, yet it’s like there’s a plug holding back any tears right now. Then I feel guilty that I’m not grieving “right”.