My sister Peggy passed yesterday 9:30 am

[KayC]

My sister died yesterday morning.  Didn't get to sit down until 10 pm (I'm usually sleeping at 8), didn't sleep much.  People bombarded me yesterday!  Went and cleaned out her refrigerator and took out her garbage.  Her best friend discovered them removing her body (Medic Alert triggered but they told me NOTHING!...they always have in the past!  Said hippa laws...)  You shouldn't get a robotic "Medic Alert" call with NO INFORMATION ON IT, no one you can talk to or find out anything from!  No way to learn of a death.  Her poor friend, I'm going to call her this morning.  She is like a sister to Peggy.  

Her 1995 will was on the table, she never got her revised one done.  I'm named executor, I'm not up to the task, nor am I up to cleaning out the place with these hands.  I will have the family come and take the mementos they want and we will spread their ashes, she's at the mortuary (sheriff got to pick the one, they wouldn't leave it to the family even though I was her contact!), will have to pay for cremation, no one is on her bank account, no one is POA.  I took her will for safe keeping.  The sheriff went through EVERYTHING in her house!  He didn't come up to my house to notify me until 3:00 pm, it was 9:30 am when she died!  By then, I'd been on the phone notifying people all day.  I need to call her friends, hasn't been time, my little sister had it all over FB yesterday while Polly and I were dealing with things on the phone...

[Sparky1]

Kay, my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your sister. My wife also had a medical alert bracelet and it only had what she was allergic to. It never dawned on us to put contact information on it. Do what you can because you have your own issues to deal with as well. Let the younger ones help you out. God bless.

[KayC]

They had contact information, I've been called from them many times, this time the call came in, it wasn't a person, a recording that said Medic Alert, nothing else, then went dead.  It took me over 1 1/2 hours to reach a live person who told me they couldn't tell me anything because of hippa laws, that's BS because she had ME LISTED as her contact person and they well know it!  They won't tell the family what happened to her and aren't doing an autopsy, I think it was likely a heart attack or possibly a major stroke, she had severe COPD, and had had a mini stroke.  Very overweight and smoked, ate bad.  History of heart in our family, also strokes, Diabetic.

[SSC]

Oh dear Kay! My heart goes out to you!  I’m am so very sorry for your loss and how this has turned out.  Please please please do as Sparky said and let (make) others help.  You tried so hard to get this responsibility off your plate but here it is… please delegate.  Take care of yourself and know we are here for you!

[Gail 8588]

KayC,

I am so sorry for your loss and for the way you were excluded from the official processing of her death.  You have always done so much for Peggy, it hurts to be treated so poorly by the people with the information.

I'd give you hugs if I could. I hope you will think of yourself and only do what you can and want to do regarding Peggy's house and estate.  Some of it you may want to do, because of who you are, and to feel close to Peggy.  But you can't do all the things that you would have been able to do in 1995 when the will was written.  A probate  judge is going to totally understand when you state that you are unable to serve as executor of Peggy's estate.  The judge will work it out with the beneficiaries to appoint an executor.  

My point is don't feel like you have to do everything.  You have to look out for yourself. 

It is hard when these additional losses come along.  We feel the absence of our sweethearts even more, as they are the ones who would have comforted us.  It is so hard being alone at times like this.  One day at a time, it's all we can do. 

I am so sorry.

Gail

[Canadagirl81]

Kay....I am tremendously sorry for the loss of your beautiful sister. You are a rock of a person and I am sending you so much love and support. Please reach out to people for help and take care of yourself. So sorry.  

[foreverhis]

I’m sorry, Kay. No doubt you are in shock, especially finding out the way you did. My thoughts and prayers may not be much, but they are with you today.

I sure would like to yell at some people on your behalf! What the heck was the sheriff doing going through her house? My mom had an “unattended death” and the two deputies did interview me and John. They checked her morphine and other meds and asked lots of questions about her state of mind and ours, but they didn’t search the house. Just one more thing adding to you stress and grief. They should have come to you right away!

I wish there were the right words to say. I know all too well there are not.

[Roxeanne]

So sorry Kay...she was  a beautiful little girl and woman!

Hugs

[LMR]

Dear Kay

I'm so very sorry to hear about your sister. Please look after yourself and don't accept more responsibility than you can handle.

The Sheriff's office should not have been going through her house if they already had contact information. It should not be allowed but who do you complain to? The sheriff?

My thoughts are with you tonight.

Hugs

[KMkm]

Sorry to hear of her passing.  It is awful to deal with another loss.  Stay strong.  My friends sister in law just passed away last week and I called to tell him how sorry I was.  It felt awkward cause just like you he has been though terrible loss and it felt like I was consoling the one who has consoled me.  I hope you find answers and take care of yourself.  

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

. . . .  It should not be allowed but who do you complain to? The sheriff?

You file a complaint with the State Attorney's office, if you want to complain. 

[Loriii]

I'm deeply sorry for your loss, KayC. I remember you talking about your sister, Peggy before. You've done so much for her. She is a beautiful human being. I didn't expect this to happen, and I'm sure you are in shock. Please stay strong. You are not alone in this. We're always here for you. Please take good care of yourself.

[KG21]

Thinking of you and sending you a big virtual hug.

[Jen H]

So sorry to hear that.  You're a strong wonderful person.  Much love and hugs!

[Jemiga70]

@KayC  Kay I am so sorry to hear this and how insensitive the authorities have been!  As others have said, PLEASE try to put yourself first. You can only do so much. You have to take care of YOURSELF above all.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Hugs,

[widower2]

I am so sorry Kay. Lost my sister about 10 yrs ago and thought "wow really, the love of my life wasn't enough, thanks life".....my thoughts and prayers with you

[KayC]

How Medic Alert handled this was horrible, I am furious with them but no energy to waste on them.  I tried....

John, my brother is going to be executor, he's 15 years younger than me and has done it before, I tried to get Peggy to name him but she never got her will redone, I don't know how it works since she named me, but I'll let him figure that out.  I'm exhausted.  A house with 50 years of living and never throwing anything away, the dust!!  I've thrown out tons of expired food, not by months but by YEARS!  Made a dent is all.

My plan is once the ashes come back have the family get together and go through what they want for family mementos and spread their ashes at the Park.  The church offered to cater a meal for us.  One sister is deathly afraid of Covid...if she doesn't want to eat, she can stay at Peggy's and bring a sack lunch, I know they would be willing to mask up for serving, it'd be so much easier if we could eat at the church for cleanup, etc, I have a key.  There isn't a local restaurant we could eat at with this many people.  Not like the church hasn't been cleaning/disinfecting, etc. the last two years!  I'm doing my best with things, I don't notice anyone here helping me.

I've made the phone calls, I still have to cancel her health ins. and cable tv.  Ordered a dumpster be delivered.  Right now the garbage is overflowing!  I've located some of the recent bills, have the marriage, divorce, remarriage, death cert (Bert) and will, and her address book!  Will leave elec. and phone and garbage for now.  Found homeowners ins. bill, should be good a few more months.  So tired!  Back over there today...

Kodie has been a trooper, this has been hard on him, he's such a good boy!  Aunt Peggy would be proud of him.

I keep thinking of things to tell her and then I remember...

I've had her all my life, we talked every day, usually for 45-60 minutes.  I don't know how I'll wait the rest of my life, but I have to for my husband and Arlie and Kitty too...

21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But you can't do all the things that you would have been able to do in 1995 when the will was written.

I never agreed to be Executor back then, she didn't talk to me about it!
I have a friend helping me clean out the kitchen. Someone suggested getting an estate company to go through stuff, sell it, take their % and her estate benefits from the rest.  Bert has a lot of antique tools, fishing stuff, etc.  His former landlord said he has a lot of antiques up in his attic...don't even know how to get into the attic but found some kind of a door in the garage, too much heavy junk in front of it to get to it.  I know they had a hard time getting to the water heater when they worked on it a few months ago, Peggy told me.

The neighbor said her back door doesn't lock, so that's a concern.She had the locksmith out a few days ago ($200 to come!) and didn't think to have the lock to it replaced!  I didn't know or I would have encouraged her to.  What will be will be.

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My mom had an “unattended death” and the two deputies did interview me and John.

He even counted the $ in her purse!  Had they CALLED me I could have answered their questions but they didn't!  I knew everything about Peggy.  They had her doctor wrong because of old Rxs, I told the sheriff her current doctor, he didn't write it down so I knew they wouldn't notify them, I contacted them later.

14 hours ago, KMkm said:

I called to tell him how sorry I was.  It felt awkward

I'm glad you made the effort even though awkward.  I think death always is, but so important to show compassion to those who are grieving.

My little sister put it on FB before I got to make the phone calls!  I am the one who lives here with her friends and neighbors!  I don't see her doing anything, just me, and her getting all the sympathy on FB!  Yes, I was in shock on Monday, for sure.  Peggy would have felt violated to have strangers going through her home/purse.  I hope they treated her body with respect.

11 hours ago, Loriii said:

I didn't expect this to happen, and I'm sure you are in shock.

I did NOT see this coming!  I thought it'd be years yet!  Yet I'm happy for her, she went quickly at home and didn't have to be institutionalized (she had dementia which only worsens unless you control it with diet, which she wouldn't).  She hasn't slept well since Bert died 1 1/2 years ago.  She's out of the struggle now, so I'm glad for her, but sorry for me, if that makes sense.  My pain only increases with each loss.  My world gets emptier and emptier it feels.

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

Lost my sister about 10 yrs ago and thought "wow really, the love of my life wasn't enough, thanks life"

I understand, I've had so many losses since George died.  You do feel that way.  I've lost two dogs and five cats since then, as well as my mom and two sisters, countless friends.  I hate that it's so commonplace!  They don't FEEL that way!

[DMB]

Hi Kay.  So sorry for the loss of your sister and that it was unexpected.  Glad to hear your brother is willing to help with things.  You're strong but this surely sucks!  Sending my best for the road ahead.  

[widower2]

  

9 hours ago, KayC said:

How Medic Alert handled this was horrible, I am furious with them but no energy to waste on them.  I tried....

I can appreciate that. Looking back I didn't have the energy to deal with incompetence and general stupidity that we encountered at numerous times when she was sick, dying, and I even had to deal with afterward. I was just overwhelmed.

 

Quote

I understand, I've had so many losses since George died.  You do feel that way.  I've lost two dogs and five cats since then, as well as my mom and two sisters, countless friends.  I hate that it's so commonplace!  They don't FEEL that way!

I get that. It's all so.....bizarre. Sometimes I swear this must be a dream, it can't be real. It's too ridiculous. 

[Jemiga70]

6 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Sometimes I swear this must be a dream, it can't be real. It's too ridiculous.

@widower2  Man did you just take the words right out of my mouth... Was shouting / pleading / demanding at the Universe this morning to answer me, give guidance.

[tnd]

I am so very sorry, KayC. I imagine your heart is in a lot of pain right now. I will pray that you find peace and are comforted. Let Kodie help you.   

[steveb]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister KayC.  Hugs, thoughts and prayers heading your way.  You are an exceptional person. I truly wish I could take your sorrow away. 
 

God bless, steve

[unmukt]

I am so so sorry for your loss Kay. I am sending you my hugs and prayers. Please do take care of yourself. Please keep sharing bits of your sorrow as much you want. I am here for you.

[RN-Nix]

@KayCsending you my sincere condolences.  I'm hoping that you have a lot of help and you are able to take a few minutes out of your day to get some rest . 

[KayC]

Thank you all...

I just got the news that a friend I've had for 45 years passed during the night.  I can't believe this, 2-3 days after Peggy.  I need to notify some people.  This never ends.

[Canadagirl81]

@KayC So incredibly sorry.  <3 Sending you love. 

[KayC]

I told my puppy "Aunt Peggy is gone!" and it suddenly hit him!  He looked stunned and put his paw on me firmly and looked intently into my eyes, he did it again, and again!  I knew he finally realized it.  I held him and told him we would see her again but it'd be a LONG time, when we're done here.  So hard.  He adored her, and her him.

[KayC]

It's been nearly 3 months, I just received my only sympathy card...I wanted to scan it but it's not working...

It reads
It's FAITH that lifts us up,
LOVE that brings us comfort, and
STRENGTH that allows us to move on

I don't want to nitpick, but I found it offensive instead of comforting.  I mean, who comes out with these cards?  It shows me the person buying it meant well but knows nothing about grief.

We don't "move on" from grief, we only do our best to live with it.

How do you even thank someone for this?  "I appreciate your thoughts...." maybe?  Wow.  Kathy Davis Designs sold by American Greetings.  Makes me want to write to them both. 

[foreverhis]

50 minutes ago, KayC said:

Kathy Davis Designs sold by American Greetings.  Makes me want to write to them both. 

Do it, Kay!  I will be happy to write as well.  It's up to us to let people, including greeting card companies, know how upsetting and offensive some things are.

I'd say, "I appreciate your thoughts" is about the most polite response.  The other one I'd give would be not so nice, though it would be honest.  Is it someone close to you whom you can educate a little or is it an acquaintance?  That would probably determine my response.

[DWS]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Do it, Kay!  I will be happy to write as well.  It's up to us to let people, including greeting card companies, know how upsetting and offensive some things are.

I work independently in printing. Maybe a new line of sympathy cards is in order! Just earlier today, I was thinking how I need to channel this grief somewhere. 

[Gail 8588]

Write to Americasn Greeting Cards and the designer if you feel the need, but to the person who sent the card be gracious.  They meant no offense. 

The older I get, the more I am aware that many people are very fragile.  There is no need to point out the negative impact of the words printed on the sympathy card to the person who was just trying to be kind. 

Just my opinion. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

The older I get, the more I am aware that many people are very fragile.  There is no need to point out the negative impact of the words printed on the sympathy card to the person who was just trying to be kind. 

That's a good point, Gail.  It's funny how I feel certain things stronger than I have in the past.  I am definitely more sensitive and sometimes fragile emotionally, so getting a card like that would hit me harder and upset me more.  It's good to be reminded that we should take a step back and remember that it was sent in actual sympathy.  Still, depending on my relationship with the person, I'd be inclined to mention the difference between "moving on" and "moving forward" some other time.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'd say, "I appreciate your thoughts" is about the most polite response.  The other one I'd give would be not so nice, though it would be honest.  Is it someone close to you whom you can educate a little or is it an acquaintance?  That would probably determine my response.

Thank you for this, it made me smile!  Yes, I thought of both responses, decided to sit on it a bit first...

It is someone I know from church, not close, she always says inappropriate things so I know she's clueless about health (even though she worked at a doctor's office in her career) and she's obviously clueless about grief...both areas dear to me.  I would never want to hurt her, she is taking care of her husband with dementia, it's a hard time for her, and I well know it, having been through it already with my mom and my sister.

But I'm shocked that a big company like American Greetings would think this okay.

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

There is no need to point out the negative impact of the words printed on the sympathy card to the person who was just trying to be kind. 

Just my opinion. 

And I know this in my heart of hearts, why I haven't responded yet, of course I will respond positively, but am having an emotional reaction to the card, it's unfortunate this is the only sympathy card I got...and three months after the fact.  She has her hands full, I know, so I understand the lateness...just wondering why my church and so called friends never reached out their condolences.  Ahh, grief.   I always value your judgment, Gail.

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's funny how I feel certain things stronger than I have in the past.

Yes, I guess because we've been through it with all of the raw emotions and all, it just shows how something can trigger them in an instant!

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'd be inclined to mention the difference between "moving on" and "moving forward" some other time.

With her I have no opportunity to do so unless I pointedly did so and that would probably be lost on her and offend her when she was trying to be kind.  II tthink it depends on the individual circumstance/person whether or not to use this as an opportunity to educate.

[Goforth860]

I know how you feel. I only received one myself. It was from someone in my apt complex that I have spoken to but have never really had much of a conversation with. It wasnt anywhere near like that. It was actually very kind and supportive.  But like you said the only one. There are 35 apts in this complex and i have spoken to about 12 families throughout my 2 years living here with John.  I dont know where ppls sympathy empathy or just plain compassion went in this world. If you would like I will write the company too. They as Gail said need to understand that this kind of wording is offensive and very hurtful 💔 and it can be traumatic. I don't know what happened to the card I received as I am in the process of moving but I did see the son of the lady who they had sent it. He spoke with me for almost 45 min when he finally saw me walking to my new apt. He was very sympathetic and told me that his brother had passed and him and his mother empathized with me. I thanked him and told him that they were very kind and it helped me tremendously.  Which it did. It hit my heart and warmed me to the core. It told me that there are ppl out there who still do care. Just let me know if you would like to ban together and let this company know that at least that card is very inappropriate for someone who is grieving. And if any kind of education to this person would be lost just say something to the effect of thank you for thinking of me but certainly not for their words. But it's honestly the card company who should be told this is just not right. When John died everyone was saying I'm sorry.  I knew that's all anyone really knows to say. I wanted to be like what did you kill him no so why are you sorry but I just started saying please dont say you're sorry say my sympathies.  That is if I thought it would be actual Educating.  If they wouldn't have gotten it I'd  let it be. I did tell a receptionist at one of my Dr's offices.  I told her because I really believe that she got it. 

Diane 

[KayC]

It wouldn't bother me if someone said they were sorry for my loss.  To me it sounds more real than "my sympathies."  But we all differ in what helps or upsets us, which only further complicates the issue of how to respond to grief in our society.

Helping another in Grief
Grief Healing: Helping Another in Grief: Suggested Resources
Help another in grief
Helping Another in Grief

[widower2]

I've waffled on whether to say anything or not and if it doesn't strike a good chord in any way Kay my apologies up front, but as I've said on this topic before...I would try to focus on the intent behind the card/message vs the words themselves. Most people have no clue what to say (God knows I didn't before I went through it) and why so many things are ill advised, including greeting card companies (unbelievable isn't it?). In fact if it were me, I would have better feelings towards her than your friends who sent nothing. As with you, that is mostly what I got from people, including people who are (or were) like family to me: nothing. At least she made the effort to reach out. 

[Kevin8988]

I think we also need to realize that we can be overly sensitive when we are grieving.  Can we forgive people for using the words we don't like?  I would let it go, especially after a while.

[KayC]

I feel nothing ill towards her, she doesn't know, but a greeting card company SHOULD EDUCATE THEMSELVES IN THE SUBJECT THEY'RE PROMOTING!  

Of course we're sensitive in early grief, how could we not be!  That's why insensitive comments aren't helpful.

[widower2]

16 hours ago, Kevin8988 said:

I think we also need to realize that we can be overly sensitive when we are grieving.  Can we forgive people for using the words we don't like?  I would let it go, especially after a while.

I agree, but that said, I have been outraged at what people did/didn't say as well, so I can very much relate to Kay's feelings on this. esp in those early days, I was a ticking time bomb....