I'm still such a mess.

[William M]

Though I do still find much comfort from the people here, I'm finding that I'm a mess, and full of tears  as I finish up my forum visits.  I just identify so much with the stories you all have posted. It's a rush of emotions as I read, and have had to limit my visits here while at work. I don't want to be found sobbing at my desk! I'm sure I have already been seen crying by other drivers during my daily work commutes.....

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, William.  I know there's nothing tangible we can change/do but I hope it helps knowing there's others out here that truly understand and care...you aren't the only one of us caught crying in those early times...

[RN-Nix]

William what ever makes me "sadder " I tend to stay away from until I'm able to handle it. For example I don't stare at our photos.  I see them but I don't study them to the point of tears. Sometimes I read some  posts on here and I say wow they have taken the words right out of my mind. If visiting here makes you sad then identify what is it that's making you sadder and then  limit your visit accordingly until you are stronger but remember this is a forum where we can all relate and you will find more here that will help rather than hurt . I take comfort that we are all experiencing the same ugly grief ...different circumstances...different levels and stages but its all grief non the less. I was and still am not ashamed to cry and will cry wherever it hits me. Give way to your emotions don't suppress it. Sending you a big hug

[Canadagirl81]

Perhaps not coming here while you work is for the best for now. Just as RN-Nix said …. Avoiding things that make me feel worse is what I do and as someone else suggested… testing those things out again later to see how I react. I do not so bad during the day but when the sun goes down and night comes it hits me hard. I’m a mess right now. It’s okay to cry. Feel it all. We are here for you. 

[William M]

Thanks everyone,  Coming here always makes me feel better than worse (usually). It's just that our stories, pains, and feelings are so similar that I end up crying for all of us.

[Canadagirl81]

@William M Crying is the most healing thing we can do. I just spent the last half hour sobbing my brains out and now I'm calmer and doing some deep breathing. Coming here comforts me too. Hugs William. 

[tnd]

On 3/26/2022 at 9:59 AM, William M said:

Though I do still find much comfort from the people here, I'm finding that I'm a mess, and full of tears  as I finish up my forum visits. 

William M:  I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you now endure. It's hard. Very, very hard. I think it's okay to be a mess during this time. What we have lost is immeasurable. And nobody has the answers, there is no manual to guide us or instructions. I say if you feel like crying, then cry. I've been making this time more about me than others. What I mean, is that I am not looking for permission to do what I feel I need to do. People got a problem with that well, too bad. They can take a long walk off a short pier. I am going to grieve how I see fit! So let it out, you are in the driver's seat. I don't know when we will recover but I think our pain will lessen to the extent where it becomes more manageable. We can hope.  

[PLin]

I arrived home t Ontario this week and it is like beginning from day one again. I had an emotional day yesterday.

I woke up this morning and thought I'd go outside and do a little raking. Something Ted always did in the spring and fall. It made me realize how many little things he did that I didn't think too much about. There are other things I need to do that I do know how to do. I thought getting outside would be good for me but that ended up making me emotional too! My kids will help but they have jobs and live over an hour away. 

One thing I have been reminded of by my friends is that the emotion is not a bad thing. It needs to be felt. I get that, but it feels so damn difficult all the time. I know I am being hard on myself, it has only been 10 weeks and I have just driven myself 25 hours and am trying to settle in what is our favorite place. Of course it is going to be sad and challenging. I have to remind myself of that fact. 

On the bright side my son and d-i-l have kindly loaned me their beautiful golden retriever Baxter for a week or so. We walk on the trails every day and he is good company. 

Hugs to you all. We are on this challenging journey together.

[DWS]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

I think it's okay to be a mess during this time. What we have lost is immeasurable. And nobody has the answers, there is no manual to guide us or instructions. I say if you feel like crying, then cry. I've been making this time more about me than others. What I mean, is that I am not looking for permission to do what I feel I need to do. People got a problem with that well, too bad. They can take a long walk off a short pier. I am going to grieve how I see fit!

This is where my approach has morphed as well. In my mind, the loss of my partner and loving relationship...one that gave me comfort, solace, stability, security, and sanity in this crazy-ass, money-driven, production-oriented world...is my only priority right now. I had what was important and the loss of it is everything now. All other things in this moment, other than nature itself, seem petty and trivial. 

[William M]

3 hours ago, PLin said:

I arrived home t Ontario this week and it is like beginning from day one again. I had an emotional day yesterday.

I woke up this morning and thought I'd go outside and do a little raking. Something Ted always did in the spring and fall. It made me realize how many little things he did that I didn't think too much about. There are other things I need to do that I do know how to do. I thought getting outside would be good for me but that ended up making me emotional too! My kids will help but they have jobs and live over an hour away. 

One thing I have been reminded of by my friends is that the emotion is not a bad thing. It needs to be felt. I get that, but it feels so damn difficult all the time. I know I am being hard on myself, it has only been 10 weeks and I have just driven myself 25 hours and am trying to settle in what is our favorite place. Of course it is going to be sad and challenging. I have to remind myself of that fact. 

On the bright side my son and d-i-l have kindly loaned me their beautiful golden retriever Baxter for a week or so. We walk on the trails every day and he is good company. 

Hugs to you all. We are on this challenging journey together.

I've also been learning to do much of what my wife used to take care of. One of the biggest challenges has been the dogs ( Her 2 little beloved girls shelly, and penny) That was hers to handle completely, and I was completely lost as their new care giver.  What dog food? when to feed them? what treats? The Vet? monthly heart worm treatments!  I have mostly figured it all out, but it was all so worth it. What a blessing MY 2 little girls have been. They are the new recepitants of all my love, they are my buddies, and we all watch tv together at night then all pile into the bed to sleep. I might  not even  be here right now if not for them.

All the other chores have been hard. I had gained way too much weight over the last couple years and it has been hard to get around and find a way to get it all done. It's slowly getting easier to do everything as I've lost about 90 pounds since I lost her last Thanksgiving. I really didn't have much choice as I was unexpectantly thrown into this situation, and had to go into "emergency mode"  to be able to take good care of my dogs, and the house. Unfortunately I still have a ways to go. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, PLin said:

One thing I have been reminded of by my friends is that the emotion is not a bad thing. It needs to be felt. I get that, but it feels so damn difficult all the time.

I never had to mete out my grief as it seemed to haunt me, but if one can compartmentalize (I had to try to at work)...
Dosing Crying Time in Grief

23 hours ago, PLin said:

On the bright side my son and d-i-l have kindly loaned me their beautiful golden retriever Baxter for a week or so. We walk on the trails every day and he is good company. 

Have you considered getting a dog?  It has helped me tremendously!  I don't ever want to be without one but I don't know if Kodie goes when I'm in my 80s...maybe I'd adopt an older dog?  Not sure, if I die I'd hate to have a dog that would have to be rehomed, seems so hard on them!  Golden Retrievers are absolutely wonderful, I had one when I was younger and Arlie was half Golden Retriever, half Siberian Husky.  Super great company!

[KayC]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

All other things in this moment, other than nature itself, seem petty and trivial. 

For sure!

[catcat]

I took a break from the forums, because I too get caught up in everyone's grief.. It is all so heartbreaking, and of course reminds us of our own grief..

I've been trying to avoid things that trigger my sadness.. When I cry my arrhythmia gets so bad.. it's not good.. Trying to allow myself those moments though, as one needs to process things, and crying is a release..  but lately not much has been coming out. Feeling weird.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, catcat said:

Trying to allow myself those moments though, as one needs to process things, and crying is a release..  but lately not much has been coming out. Feeling weird.

There will be days like this. It's not weird at all. Nothing feels as it should right now. It's a process. I understand you wanting to avoid triggers. It's gotten to where I can nearly schedule cry time for myself. That way I can get some things done but still "release" if I need to. 

[KayC]

Well I'm glad you dropped in, if nothing else to know others relate and understand.  Crying can indeed cause physical problems, also with the eyes, if done in excess.  

Dosing Crying Time in Grief

[widower2]

On 3/26/2022 at 10:59 AM, William M said:

Though I do still find much comfort from the people here, I'm finding that I'm a mess, and full of tears  as I finish up my forum visits.  I just identify so much with the stories you all have posted. It's a rush of emotions as I read, and have had to limit my visits here while at work. I don't want to be found sobbing at my desk! I'm sure I have already been seen crying by other drivers during my daily work commutes.....

I can relate; I'm sorry. I remember the first time I went to Lowes without her, a place we went to many times for this or that and enjoyed...one of those damned waves hit me and I had to retreat to a corner of an aisle (which fortunately no one was in) and lose it a bit and struggle to compose myself so I could get out of there without a lot of staring. And more than once in those early days I was at my desk and for whatever reason my thoughts wandered...next thing I know I'm retreating to an empty hallway or the bathroom (again thankfully no one around) to lose it and regroup. I'm so so sorry. Those waves are pure hell. The upside that is likely over time they will diminish, both in intensity and frequency. Hold on. I won't say this ever becomes a picnic, but it should get better...significantly better...over time. It's just not at the pace we want it to be (immediate). 

[BlueFrog]

On 4/8/2022 at 2:09 PM, William M said:

I've also been learning to do much of what my wife used to take care of. One of the biggest challenges has been the dogs ( Her 2 little beloved girls shelly, and penny) That was hers to handle completely, and I was completely lost as their new care giver.  What dog food? when to feed them? what treats? The Vet? monthly heart worm treatments!  I have mostly figured it all out, but it was all so worth it. What a blessing MY 2 little girls have been. They are the new recepitants of all my love, they are my buddies, and we all watch tv together at night then all pile into the bed to sleep. I might  not even  be here right now if not for them.

All the other chores have been hard. I had gained way too much weight over the last couple years and it has been hard to get around and find a way to get it all done. It's slowly getting easier to do everything as I've lost about 90 pounds since I lost her last Thanksgiving. I really didn't have much choice as I was unexpectantly thrown into this situation, and had to go into "emergency mode"  to be able to take good care of my dogs, and the house. Unfortunately I still have a ways to go. 

Same here! My Tom did so many jobs that I didn't even realize. 

Your weight loss is a lot! Be aware that when you lose that much weight, that quickly, your muscle mass can suffer - especially heart muscle. So be mindful of this as you do work; your physical limits may have changed and you may need to limit yourself more than you think. Be safe!