Grief is all the unexpressed love...

[DWS]

Hi everyone. I'm Don and have been lost in acute grief and despair after my partner Tom passed away in his sleep four weeks ago. We had been enjoying life in a committed relationship for the past four years even though we lived separately three hours apart. We were in touch daily with each other through texting and Tom was at my place most weekends. He was a healthy and fit guy and just a few days short from turning 68. I am now 60. Living a healthy, balanced life is what we both have tried to do...daily exercising at home, eating healthy meals but also treating ourselves to the occasional pizza or Chinese food takeout. Tom was an avid runner...a hobby he took up a dozen years ago after a health scare which told him he needed to lose weight. The running paid off and he became one of those devoted runners logging the miles he ran in a month on some app that has millions of followers. He was excited and gearing up to run in a half marathon in April...something he hadn't been able to do for over two years of the covid-19 era.  

And then completely out of nowhere, his breathing stopped during his night's sleep. We had chatted on Skype in the late afternoon that day before this happened. It was just our usual chat. He didn't mention anything unusual that he was experiencing. Later that evening, we texted each other our goodnights but the next morning, I didn't get a "good morning" reply and then that awful day began. Tom lived with his daughter and her family so it was Tom's son-in-law that found him later that afternoon when he returned home from work. 

Since then, just like everyone here has experienced, my world was turned upside down. I've spent most of my time searching online for articles and info on loss, grief and grieving...just anything to give me a slight bit of comfort and some clarity. I have friends and family that have reached out but soon learned that none of them were much good at this. I have an older sister who thinks that cheering me up is the antidote but those of us in this club learn that that's the last thing we want. It actually feels dismissive even though I know that's not quite their intention. They naively want to see me smile again but it's not what I want. I learned quickly that appeasing their wants and concerns during this time will just have to take a backseat. This is who I am right now.

But a bit of light did enter my world last night. I received a text from one of my nephews who lives two hours away saying that he has been thinking of me since he heard the news of my partner's passing. He and I haven't been in contact much over the years. He has his busy life with his wife and family. This is the kind of thing that happens in many families particularly when long distances enter the picture....but we ended up in a long texting chat. My nephew reached out and was very interested in my expression of thought! It was just so comforting and then, towards the end of our chat, he forwarded a tweet that was incredibly relevant. It was in regards to a Stephen Colbert interview that he had with actor Andrew Garfield who had lost his mother two years prior to the interview. Admittedly, I had no idea who this was (I don't pay much attention to celebrities) but this is so very moving. On the topic of grief, Andrew says "this is all the unexpressed love" and that he hopes the grief stays with him. I've been feeling the same way which is perhaps why I am resenting those who avoid talking about Tom.

Here is the clip if you haven't seen this interview. The topic of grief starts around the four minute mark....

 

[typesettergirl]

Thanks for sharing Don, I completely understand about not wanting to be cheered up. The grief is more comforting than anything else right now. Your nephew reaching out is the little glimmer of something to hold on to. People will disappear in the woodwork just as some will appear. Not anything against anyone just you will find the people who are willing to face the loss with you.

Tom will be with you until the day you pass. I saw this on my Facebook feed advertisement but maybe it will bring the same feelings to you as it did for me.
 

I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you, and then I realized you spent the rest of your life with me.
I smile because I know you love me till the day you went away.
And will keep loving me until the day we are together again.

[DWS]

@typesettergirlThanks for sharing that Facebook feed. It's just a beautiful sentiment for all of us to embrace and try to keep in our thoughts. All of this hurts so greatly that I realized quickly the importance of taking this a day at a time. Thinking of a future that won't happen now is too painful and defeating.

[Canadagirl81]

Hi Don....First let me offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your person. This is awful isn't it? I lost my partner Glenn 6 weeks ago suddenly like you lost your Tom, suspected heart attack, he was 54.  I can absolutely sympathize with the agony you are experiencing.  I too have found myself diving into grief videos and ted talks, anything and everything regarding the afterlife and how to cope with my new unreal reality. 
What you wrote about your friends and family not being very good with this, I also am experiencing just that. Even tonight I reached out for comfort from my closest friend who I talk to every single day and she brushed me off basically and asked how being in this group was going. So cold and zero bedside manner....this has made me re-evaluate so many of my relationships.  Keep your boundaries solid and don't smile if you don't want to okay? This is who we are now....it has forever changed us and those who cannot understand don't have to understand, as disappointing and dismissive as it may feel to us. 

I'm so glad Tom's nephew reached out, that must have felt good. You will find that while many of the people we think are going to reach out, simply don't and that unexpected support comes from places we never even thought. What is the saying? "Grief is just love with no where to go."  Talk to Tom out loud. Cry and scream when you feel it (I absolutely lost it an hour ago), journal, do things that bring you comfort, sleep, do nothing when you feel like doing nothing. You are SO not alone in this. Tom is with you, I truly believe that. This will be a long road for all of us but you are not on it by yourself by any means. 
Where in Ontario are you? I was born and raised in Brantford but have been living in the States for almost 15 years, I live in Pennsylvania currently. You've got a friend in me.

Hugs Don, and thanks for the video...I hadn't seen that interview and it is very helpful.
~Laura

[DWS]

@Canadagirl81Hi Laura...I greatly appreciate your sweet condolences and I am so very sorry for the recent and huge loss in your life. Glenn sounds like he was truly one of the good ones. Those free-spirited, friendly, devil-may-care handyman types really are the bedrock of community. I can understand how devastated you must be as well as those who knew and loved him.

The personal struggle that you have with your close friend certainly hits home. I suppose we can say family and friends mean well but their interest in our grief doesn't seem all that sincere when they start making suggestions already of seeking counselling, group therapy or adopting a pet. What it says to me is that they want me to get repaired. "Oh you're still sad, Get some counselling and come back to us when you're better and not so down." But in my text chat with my nephew two nights ago, he asked if I was sleeping okay and that's when I started to cry because I could tell he actually cared about me in this moment and that he figured out quickly that there was no cure-all for his uncle right now.

One of the things that I did start right away was journaling after reading it as a suggestion to deal with loss. It felt clumsy for me at the start but it's definitely been a source of comfort. The journal has become a continual conversation with Tom telling him about my day and just general things happening around me. He was always interested in the goings-on in my neighbourhood when he was here so I'm keeping him up-to-date on that. The journal sits at the table where Tom would usually sit and that feels significant and special to me. 

I'm in London, Ontario so just 45 minutes or so west of where you were born and raised. We were having some very spring-like temperatures for a few days. In past years, I'd already be out there cleaning up my gardens but this year, the nicer weather is so bittersweet. Tom and I loved our long walks and I know that's what we'd be enjoying now. Unfortunately, it will be a while before I am up to walking alone again.

Thanks for your hand in friendship and thanks to all others here for any company given on this long, sad journey. 

[KayC]

Don,

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband also died suddenly/unexpectedly, and it's a shock and so hard to process!  I get what you're saying about people trying to cheer you up, it feels inappropriate and yes "dismissive" is an apt term for what it feels to your valid grief.  We need people to care and understand, not "fix" us or try to make themselves feel better by requiring we pastes on smiles and appear "normal."  Normal in grief is vastly different than our old normal (that's gone).

Journaling is a great way to help us process our grief, as is coming here, seeing a grief counselor, anything that gives heed to our grief, a way of expressing it and getting it out.

I'm glad you found your way here and hope you will continue to come here, to read and post.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

@KayCThanks Kay for the warm condolences and wisdom. There is definitely some comfort in knowing that our grief has a home here and to be relieved of the pressures from an outside world that seemingly doesn't have time for this. 

[Canadagirl81]

@DWS My apologies, it was your nephew that reached out, not Tom's. I misread that. I'm glad he is there for you and truly understands. That's very important and special. 
Thank you for all you said regarding Glenn. He was that and much more....the world is such a dark place now. I am having a very hard time seeing beyond the day I am living. It helps being on here with those who truly get it. 
I love journaling, I've been doing it for 20+ years and I find it really helps me. I'm glad you have embraced it and you are finding it cathartic and a way to communicate with Tom. It is significant and special. I teared up at the vision of your journal sitting there where he is now spiritually. 

Ah yes, the cure-all. I've been suggested everything under the sun and I'm already being told that I need to start moving on. It's insulting. I get they mean well but it makes me want to run away from everyone. 
I'm very familiar with London, I have friends there. I'm only about 6 hours away from home here so not too far. I also understand the bittersweet feelings of spring and as time goes on it's just going to get more and more hard when things happen and our people aren't here to experience and share with them.  it's so hard to find any sense of normalcy when nothing is normal anymore. 
I want to wake up from this but I can't. I don't know what I would do without this space. 
Thanks again Don. Write anytime. 

[DWS]

58 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

I also understand the bittersweet feelings of spring and as time goes on it's just going to get more and more hard when things happen and our people aren't here to experience and share with them.  it's so hard to find any sense of normalcy when nothing is normal anymore. 
I want to wake up from this but I can't. 

I certainly can relate to that and join you in such deep sorrow. It was just four weeks ago today when this nightmare began for me (although it feels so much longer) and so much in my daily life that I was so used to has ended. The outside world still continues normally but I no longer have my dependable, constant companion...the one who I always bounced ideas off...the one who I daily discussed any situations that both of us might run into...the one who got to know my quirks and flaws but accepted and loved me anyway. That sweet, wonderful person has been taken out of the picture and that void has left me totally empty and bewildered. 

[Canadagirl81]

@DWS yes…. Our person. All our inside jokes, all the things only we loved and only we shared. I just…. I can’t believe this. I have to be all those things for myself now and navigating that is so hard. I’m right with you Don. 

[KMkm]

I have had lots of things said to me in the past as I navigate this horrible time in my life.  I sometimes sit and think about what I would say to someone like me and I can't think of a single thing.  I believe that I would say the same things as what people had said to you.  Looking at others perspective gives us insight into the awkwardness of trying to communicate with a grieving friend.  My close friends say the exact same things that I would probably say and it's out of love and the sincerest intentions.  They want us to feel better and that's it.  Unless you have dealt with losing someone it is hard to imagine what it feels like.  Even when you lose a friend, parent, child, spouse or partner the grief feels different and none are minor in their severity.  I empathize with people who try to help cause when my friend passed away at 32 leaving behind a wife and two young kids.  I had no words of comfort and no advice cause I didn't know what to say which maybe I should have at least said something...anything but I didn't.  Now as I endure the pain of losing my wife when she was only 36 and trying to take care of my two young kids, I know now a word from a friend is better than no words at all.  I hope you find peace and comfort knowing that people love you and care.  If it helps to speak up about what you need or want to hear may be beneficial.  In my journey of grief and a new life which has only been about three months I have heard lots of advice and I listen and tell people thanks.  Take care of yourself and try to find peace as it comes.  I live in northwestern ontario so when the sun is out I enjoy a few silent minutes of feeling it on my face.  When the snow is gone I will walk in the woods and try to enjoy nature again.  My wife loved life and the outdoors which I was always to busy to really enjoy.  I feel I owe myself and her to slow down and enjoy what's left of my life even though it will be without her.  I hope that you find words of comfort from the community here or from anyone who takes the time to talk with you.  Keep fighting and do what you need to in your own time and way.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, DWS said:

It was just four weeks ago today when this nightmare began for me (although it feels so much longer)

It can literally feel like a time warp, seeming both yesterday and forever at the same time...after nearly 17 years it no longer feels like yesterday.  But I remember, every detail off our lives together, how it felt when he held me, his smell, I remember when he died, the shock, the world spinning, how I couldn't wrap my head around it...how long it took for the processing, OMG, years!  

 

6 minutes ago, KMkm said:

When the snow is gone I will walk in the woods and try to enjoy nature again.

This is one of the best things for us, helps to bring peace away from the stressors of the world and all the turmoil we endure.

[DWS]

@KMkmThanks for the thoughtful words. I am so very sorry to hear the recent loss of your wife and your own grief journey. And yes, I have wondered how well I consoled those in my past going through such painful loss. Certainly when I was younger, any comforting words just didn't flow easily. Things changed in that regard after my father died 14 years ago.   

In regards to speaking up about what's needed, I actually have been teaching an older sister of mine that this deep despair from my loss won't be going away any time soon. I can sense some tension and impatience from her and others that already hope to see me feeling better and if I'm not, then I better do something about it. There is that common societal belief that picking up the pieces and getting back out there is the thing to do. I guess it sounds good on paper but it's no good for the one who needs the time to genuinely mourn a great loss. In my case, I'm functioning. I'm self-employed so I am working on my customers' orders. I'm eating fine, exercising and journaling...but I'll be damned to let those around me dictate that I should also be less gloomy! This is all about self-care and I have a strong feeling that this will be a teaching moment for those who have long been in my life. 

[KMkm]

You sound like you are grieving well enough.  I have also told people that I will be sad for a long time and they seem to either stop talking to me or understand and just be there for me.  I am a mess still and I can't work due to the grief.  I hope to one day find some normalcy but I have to tske care of my kids.  Even my mother asked what was wrong the other day and I said I wad crying and she was taken aback by what I said.  I cry uncontrollably anytime it hits me.  It's hard to breathe and the front of my brain feels like it's being squeezed.  I hope talking on here helps you with finding an outlet.  I like talking about how I feel cause it makes people realize that grief isn't something to take lightly and it can destroy you if you let it.  I have a quote that maybe will help you like it helped me.

[widower2]

[DWS]

2 hours ago, KMkm said:

 I am a mess still and I can't work due to the grief.  I hope to one day find some normalcy but I have to tske care of my kids.  Even my mother asked what was wrong the other day and I said I wad crying and she was taken aback by what I said.  I cry uncontrollably anytime it hits me.  It's hard to breathe and the front of my brain feels like it's being squeezed.

 

I'd say you're doing things the right way by taking this time off from work and dealing with this most important moment in your life. It's at times like this where I am so glad to be self-employed working from home because just like you, I can allow the tears to flow when needed. If I'm out somewhere and have that need to cry, I feel physical pressure around my eyes. When I let the tears flow, it feels like a cleansing...a vibrant honesty of emotional love for my partner.