“Before” & “After”

[jaimeleigh]

“Before” & “After”
 

Songs I used to love when she was here hurt now. Not even because they were “our songs”. Just because I listened to them when I was still surrounded by her love. Now listening to them feels empty. 

 

New songs hurt too, though. Songs that I know she’ll never listen to with me. Songs that won’t ever be in my headphones while I’m holding her hand or sitting across from her on the couch. Those hurt just as much… maybe even worse. 

 

Recipes I used to make that she loved? I can’t make them anymore. New recipes that I find? I want to show her and I know I can’t. I don’t want to try new things anymore.

 

I think one of the worst parts of losing someone is that your life is suddenly divided into “before” and “after”. Much like how when you’re falling in love with someone, the before seems dull and unimportant. Life was simply a meaningless cycle until after you met them. The “after”- that’s where love grew and where life started. Beautiful, really. 

Except when you lose someone it’s the reverse. You’d give anything to go back to before, even just for a minute. And sitting here in the after is just pure agony. A meaningless cycle, even. 

 

I’m waiting until the memories are welcome. For now, I walk the line between wanting to love the things she loved, and wanting to distance myself from any small reminder that my favorite person isn’t here to watch me listen to my favorite songs anymore. 

[Irina]

I can relate to your post, and it brings a weird relief since nobody around me knows what I am going through.

Just lost my mom past Sunday, three days ago.  I know exactly what you are feeling.  I am realizing that everything going forward is going to be colored by her loss, everything will remind me of her.  The music that she loved, the food, the clothes, the presents she gave to me and to her grandchildren, everything.  And everything that was happy before will now be colored with sadness and pain.  I have no idea how to function.  I don’t even care about the cute, funny or impressive things that the kids are doing anymore since it just reminds me of not being able to share it with her.  I wake up in nightmares, just wailing.  Looking at her pictures and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. Those images and those happy days will never happen again.  

There was a song that we both liked.  She loved it and she introduced it to me, and I loved it as a child.  Recently she has been telling me about listening to that band again a lot.  So I played it to her as she laid there dying, suffocating in blood.  Now the beautiful childhood memory of listening to the song on repeat will forever bring up the memory of me playing it to her on her death bed and tears streaming from her eyes.  I cannot take it.  Agony. Every moment of these cursed days is agony.

 

 

[jaimeleigh]

27 minutes ago, Irina said:

I can relate to your post, and it brings a weird relief since nobody around me knows what I am going through.

Just lost my mom past Sunday, three days ago.  I know exactly what you are feeling.  I am realizing that everything going forward is going to be colored by her loss, everything will remind me of her.  The music that she loved, the food, the clothes, the presents she gave to me and to her grandchildren, everything.  And everything that was happy before will now be colored with sadness and pain.  I have no idea how to function.  I don’t even care about the cute, funny or impressive things that the kids are doing anymore since it just reminds me of not being able to share it with her.  I wake up in nightmares, just wailing.  Looking at her pictures and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. Those images and those happy days will never happen again.  

There was a song that we both liked.  She loved it and she introduced it to me, and I loved it as a child.  Recently she has been telling me about listening to that band again a lot.  So I played it to her as she laid there dying, suffocating in blood.  Now the beautiful childhood memory of listening to the song on repeat will forever bring up the memory of me playing it to her on her death bed and tears streaming from her eyes.  I cannot take it.  Agony. Every moment of these cursed days is agony.

 

 

Irina, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Three days ago is so recent, and I remember being in those first few days after losing my Mom and feeling like I couldn’t breathe (and often, didn’t want to). 
I lost my Mom in October, and she was my best friend. Immediately after losing her, I felt like I didn’t want to live in a world she wasn’t a part of. I didn’t care about anyone or anything other than her, and I was overwhelmed with guilt that I couldn’t make her better. I felt anger at everyone who still had their Mom’s, and anger with myself for not holding on tighter to mine. 
 

I was also there in the room when my Mom passed, and that’s something nobody really prepares you for. To literally see life fade in front of your eyes, that’s something that haunts me too. I try to take a different perspective, and to think “wow. she was there for my first breaths and I was there with her until her very last.” That’s a bond and a connection that nothing can break…not even loss. 

I won’t say that time heals everything, and anyone who does say that probably doesn’t understand the pain of losing the person that made you who you are. I will say that while I’m nowhere near “okay”, I am significantly better than I was back when it first happened. I have days when I can’t function, and I have days when I feel so close to her and so at peace, that it’s like she’s in the room with me. 
 

I struggle every day, but I try to tell myself that she is still experiencing everything with me, even more so now. I don’t know what your beliefs are, Irina, but I feel that your Mom is still sharing in all of your favorite things. She just has an even better view of you, now. 
 

The pain will never go away completely, and in my opinion, you shouldn’t want it to. The pain you have now shows how much love was, and STILL is there. 
 

You are not alone. And I don’t just say that because there is a whole community of people on here that hurt with you, although that is true, too. 
I say you are not alone because your Mom is right there with you every moment. 
 

Sending all of my love and prayers your way. 
 

- Jaime