I can't cope with things getting back to "normal".

[Sydney12]

My dad died unexpectedly December 29, 2021. He was 64 and there were no sign he was going to pass. Due to various reasons not directly related to him, we were estranged for 6 years until his sudden passing. He was collateral damage as I tried to distance myself from my mother and to do so, I had to distance myself from him too. During lockdown, my life changed entirely (moved companies, apartments and distanced myself from some friends). Today was my first time in the office and all that's happened in the last 2 years hit me. I realize although things were paralyzed externally, life continued to happen and things are nothing like what they were at the start of lockdown in March 2020. Now that things are getting back to "normal", I realize my entire reality shifted and the shock of it only hit me now. What was supposed to be "life getting back on track" has now turned into a earth-shattering feeling of disorientation. Nothing matters and nothing makes any sense. 

I don't want things to get back to "normal". I was getting ready for work this morning and I was dressing up / putting make up on etc... it didn't seem right. How can I get dolled up when I've experienced such a big loss? It feels like I'm leaving the loss behind when I don't want to. I felt comfortable not getting dressed up or not really taking care of myself while I was off or working from home because it made me feel as though I was properly grieving. Now that I have to put on a show with the fancy clothes and makeup to please some corporate etiquette, it just feel absolutely wrong. 

The whole day I was trying to hold back the tears because the whole thing just felt wrong. My grief duplicated in ways I'd never experienced. I don't feel the grief as much when I'm at home alone, but being around tons of people today was very difficult. 

[Tayla]

Hi. 
 

I have found this happen also. It’s almost like we know we want to heal and talk about what’s happened but we hold it in because, I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt like a downer/ depressive if I bring it up. But then it isn’t acknowledged. I sometimes expected for people to know I’m hurting on the inside and really wanted them to ask. 
 I’ve realised that just because there is silence around jt doesn’t mean it’s over. 
do you have anyone close that you can talk to about it? 

[Steve79]

At the beginning of my grief I felt comfortable lying at home without showering or cooking or anything. But indulging in a semblance of normality is very healthy - vital even. It doesn't have to be a fully fledged attempt to get fully back to normal a.s.a.p, just a semblance. At the back of my mind my flag is still flying at half-mast as a mark of respect, and indication of mourning. It's written into my face right now. I purposely keep the flag at half-mast from the feeling that it's too soon to return fully to normal. But life does go on, the world doesn't and can't stop. There's no harm going through the motions of make up and corporate BS. You'll know when to raise your flag. It will feel authentic. 

[Lost now]

On 3/15/2022 at 1:20 PM, Sydney12 said:

My dad died unexpectedly December 29, 2021. He was 64 and there were no sign he was going to pass. Due to various reasons not directly related to him, we were estranged for 6 years until his sudden passing. He was collateral damage as I tried to distance myself from my mother and to do so, I had to distance myself from him too. During lockdown, my life changed entirely (moved companies, apartments and distanced myself from some friends). Today was my first time in the office and all that's happened in the last 2 years hit me. I realize although things were paralyzed externally, life continued to happen and things are nothing like what they were at the start of lockdown in March 2020. Now that things are getting back to "normal", I realize my entire reality shifted and the shock of it only hit me now. What was supposed to be "life getting back on track" has now turned into a earth-shattering feeling of disorientation. Nothing matters and nothing makes any sense. 

I don't want things to get back to "normal". I was getting ready for work this morning and I was dressing up / putting make up on etc... it didn't seem right. How can I get dolled up when I've experienced such a big loss? It feels like I'm leaving the loss behind when I don't want to. I felt comfortable not getting dressed up or not really taking care of myself while I was off or working from home because it made me feel as though I was properly grieving. Now that I have to put on a show with the fancy clothes and makeup to please some corporate etiquette, it just feel absolutely wrong. 

The whole day I was trying to hold back the tears because the whole thing just felt wrong. My grief duplicated in ways I'd never experienced. I don't feel the grief as much when I'm at home alone, but being around tons of people today was very difficult. 

My mom passed away unexpectedly and suddenly on Jan 30th of this year. She was only 58. No health issue and fit. She got cardiac arrest. I am sorry for your loss. It's so difficult to cope. I am struggling every second of the day. I feel guilty of living my life. I hate myself if I accidentally smile.

I hate everything is going back to "normal". Everyone is so happy. I will never get my normal back. My mom and dad had planned to visit me later this year when things get better. I sometimes wish a new variant comes and we are in lockdown again. This pandemic took my mom. I don't want things to go back to normal. I keep looking up covid news hoping that it comes back. I know this is bad but that's how I am thinking. My most important person was taken away. I totally understand what you are going through and understand how you feel.

 

[JasonA30]

Hi Sydney

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in November and I still don't know how to to get back to normal. Everyone around me seems moved on or at least accepts what happened and seems to be doing okay, but not me. My mom was my world, my best friend, going on without her is incredibly difficult and I don't know if I'll ever get back to normal. I hope one day I will. I know deep down my mom wouldn't want me to be depressed the rest of my life, but it's still very difficult and it's going to take a long time I feel for me. Some days I sit here and just cry. I fully relate to how you feel. It is so very tough.

[unluckydaughter]

Dear All,

Sorry for your losses. 
I thought it was just me! I’m frustrated by the thought of people being excited with the pandemic ending and going back to normalcy. I lost my healthy 63 yo Dad to covid in a span of 5 days and I cannot express the anger frustration and pain to see others just fit and fine and happy that pandemic is about to end. I feel like the pandemic came to just take my Dad away from us. And I’m in a state where I don’t wanna talk to happy people. I don’t wanna have normal conversations. In fact, 2 months after my Dad passed due to the deadly delta variant of covid, the wave subsided a bit and then my heart cringed to see people going back to vacationing and saying finally we can have a vacation. I mean first world problems right. One of my maternal uncles was waiting for this wave to reduce so he could host a get together, not minding what we do would feel. Our relatives in the family groups would continue to post jokes related to covid totally oblivious to what happened with us. Why did life become so unfair to just us! Also, like Tayla mentioned, I long for people to ask how I’m doing, how I’m coping with my loss. But they never do. Even people older to me never ask out of concern. This would have made me feel a bit better especially since I lost the person who was treating me like a kid although I’m in my 30s. I guess our immediate family members who were directly affected, or the members of this forum are the only ones who can share, understand and listen to our pain. 

[shirley eng]

sorry for your loss i lost my mom jan 13 2022 and i cant seem to get back to normal life either 

 

[MomsLovingSon]

I lost my mom five days ago early in the morning and tomorrow's her funeral. I haven't been at our house since they day after she passed away because I've been with family that I had been doing all of the funeral planning/arrangements with. Tomorrow is Thursday and I'll probably be heading back to what is now "my" house now on Monday (the 17th) and I still have so much more to do, including having my own will made. After that I've got to start job hunting and take on more responsibilities that I've never really had to do. It's scary and I feel so lost without mom there to guide me. It feels like a Herculean task ahead of me; everything was so stable and taken care of before I had her taken from me.

 

I've been trying to distract myself a bit by being on the internet and I've felt weird and guilty about having a small laugh at a few things. I certainly don't feel okay, but I haven't cried at all today for a change. I think it's all waiting to come out again tomorrow; I'm both dreading it but also wishing it was just over already because I know that the pain of saying goodbye to her (again) is coming. I really hope that I read this post back in a year while thinking that since this all happened I'm making her proud and I'm doing okay but right now I'm just terrified of what's to come.

[Sydney12]

I am really sorry for your losses. 

April 29th will mark 4 months since my dad passed. I have good and bad days. His birthday was March 20th and it was an incredibly difficult day. I spent the whole day crying, but I had already told myself that I would start living "normally" again after his birthday. I've since had good and bad days. I'm generally able to compartmentalize my feelings, but if I am exposed to my family's grief, it opens up my own pain and I can't handle my emotions. I think the worst isn't my own pain, it's the pain I feel thinking of my youngest siblings of 19 and 20 who just lost their dad. The thought of them being scared, disoriented, alone really hurts. We don't live in the same country and I try to keep in touch with them. They're all really struggling and with my mom not having any income, it has been really difficult for them. I've had to take on a leadership role I never thought I'd have to take. I'm a naturally strong person, but I've had to dig even deeper to get the strength to manage the legalities, my job and my family's pain.  

I'll be 32 this year and I thought the next leadership role I would ever take would be at work and here I am, having to lead my relatives through this. It's developed an even greater strength in me. I was often told I'm more of a reserved person at work never speaking up in meetings, but ever since my dad passed, my personality shifted. I'm more assertive and vocal than I've ever been. It's as though I have nothing to lose anymore.