Reverting

[BBB]

I'm coming up on 2 years and I feel like I'm reverting, taking steps back. Her loss hits me hard again, I cry, I miss her but the thing is, there was a point in time between the 9 month and now time frame where I really felt like I was improving. Does this 'slide' backwards happen to everyone? I almost feel like I'm starting over.

 

[KayC]

I felt the whole journey was like two steps forward, one step backwards only the number of steps to/fro seems to change.

[Steve79]

I'm wondering if the upcoming 2 year mark is psychologically feeding this. I read that people can feel grief return when coming up to an anniversary (birthday, death day, etc). Do you think it could be that? 

[Darlene13]

I'm the same way.  I was handling it better for a while, then find myself sliding back into deep grief again lately.  It will be two years in July, and it still seems surreal at times.   This life without him not only makes me sad, but it bores me.  Socializing with other people doesn't fill the hole he left in my life...I miss him so much.

[DMB]

I wonder how I'm still here.  It will also be 2 years for me in a few months.  Trying to keep busy and stay out of the wine bottle.  

[LMR]

@BBB I have just passed the 18 month mark. I thought I was coping quite well. Still crying each day but not the gut wrenching melt downs that I was having earlier. Then it all changed and I was a mess again. Totally distraught. For me one of the triggers was having to make decisions. I have a really hard time deciding anything. I don't know what sequence it set off in my brain but it was like that dominoes game, one falls and they all follow. Maybe you have been thinking about marking the date somehow and this has opened up that can of worms.

[BBB]

@LMR Understood. I also thought I was moving along pretty well but just hit a wall. It's not the date so much as seeing places that we've been, places that I enjoy going to and continuing to realize I will never get to share those places with her again. Then that leads into the reality of never seeing her again, etc. and the spiral spins out of control.

I've also been wondering if the emotional toll exacts a physical toll because my health lately has been for ****, pardon my french. Just a bunch of new aches and pains, feels like everything hurts.

 

 

[BBB]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I felt the whole journey was like two steps forward, one step backwards only the number of steps to/fro seems to change.

Currently I feel like I am taking one step forward and two back

[Sparky1]

This Friday is my wife's birthday and it does seem like the waves have been more intense lately. I'm almost at 17 months and although there are some better days, there are also days where the grief is very raw all over again. I'm taking Friday off and going to the cemetery to visit. Life now is truly a journey where I have to find the strength every day just to struggle on. The emptiness and loneliness eats at me every day, and I keep thinking of how bleak the future looks, growing old alone. It's not an easy journey for any of us here, losing the most important person that was our everything.

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, BBB said:

I also thought I was moving along pretty well but just hit a wall.

I had several "trigger" times that seem to be pretty common.  Mine were at about 6 months (when I found my way here); 1 year (for obvious reasons); 18 months (thanks in part to COVID); and 2 years (seems to be more common than I would have expected).

I can only speculate, even for myself, that after making many small steps forward (for me, even a few during the first months of the pandemic thanks to my friends, family, and a little furry girl named Raleigh), 2 years came along and for some reason the reality hit me harder.  Hitting a wall is an apt analogy.  Maybe it's in part because we really have no way of denying the road ahead of us.  We finally and fully know in both our minds and our hearts that the one person we love above all others is not coming back.  We are alone, even surrounded by people who care about us.  It's like we've slogged along because there's no other choice, and we've exhausted our energy to keep going.  We see clearly in a way we didn't before when we were overwhelmed and crushed under the early parts of grief and that is, frankly, terrifying (at least it sometimes is for me).

I'm sure there are a hundred reasons, all of us different and yet all interconnected, that certain times along the way shove us down or back.  It's most definitely two steps forward, one step back even 3-1/2 years on.  In fact, I've been having a really hard time the past 3-4 weeks.  There's no trigger dates and no specific "Ah ha!" that I can figure.  The only thing that I can possibly connect it to is that the son of our sister- and brother-by choice is getting married in 3 weeks and John won't be there.  The two of them were really close.  John was like a big brother, favorite uncle, and pal all rolled into one.  And I know how hard it was for the whole family when we lost John.  The first time they came to visit with their son, he held me in the longest, tightest hug and cried.  Then he sighed deeply, looked at John's big chair, looked at me (I nodded), and settled himself in to "claim" it.  It was clear that he felt comforted by that and so when his mom asked if I was okay with it, I was able to honestly tell her that I was.

Anyway, there really do seem to be common time intervals most of us experience setbacks.  Not all of those times make sense; then again, grief doesn't really make much sense and sure as heck doesn't go along a straight or easy road.

[Gail 8588]

BBB, 

For me, I think as years went by, I became more and more depressed that I wasn't getting better.  I expected that I would/should be getting better.  But I continued to be lost, numb, unable to feel any connection to life. I felt so broken and incomplete without John.  As time went on, the thought that I was never going to  get any better was more and more unbearable. After 3 years, I was really at my lowest point. 

I don't know that I can explain how or why, but I did finally turn a corner in my 4th year of grief, and became a living human being again rather than a shell of a person. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually in that 4th year. 

I have just passed the 5 year anniversary of my husband's death.  The anniversary brought more tears. There is still longing for his presence, sadness that his grandchildren will never know his love, etc. But now the pain and sadness of missing him is just one part of my life.  I experience many joys now too. I have the whole range of emotional experiences now. 

In the first 3 years, I would confide to close friends that "I still didn't know how to live without him".  Now at 5 years, I really do feel that I have found a way to live again. 

My life will never be as good as it was when we were together. But my life now is so much better than it was during those terrible first three years.

Keep looking for good in your life. Try to retrain your brain to recognize it, feel it again. Kay's list of tips were a good starting point for me. 

Gail

[KayC]

16 hours ago, BBB said:

Currently I feel like I am taking one step forward and two back

Sometimes that is how it feels, I was thinking that as I typed it.

13 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

This Friday is my wife's birthday and it does seem like the waves have been more intense lately. I'm almost at 17 months

Sparky, thinking of you (((hugs)))

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

My life will never be as good as it was when we were together. But my life now is so much better than it was during those terrible first three years.

This explains it so well...

[BBB]

Obviously the commonality here is - more time. It is so hard to go from being a team to playing life solo. Especially when you had found the perfect mate.

[SSC]

You are exactly right, BBB.  We had it so good and now living the rest of our lives without them is so painful.  But like Gail explained above, somehow we find a way to do it.  We have no other choice.  

[BBB]

Well we could sit around like a hermit

 

[DMB]

Just now, BBB said:

Well we could sit around like a hermit

 

That's why God created Netflix!    I've almost watched all of it!!  /kidding

 

It does help pass the lonely times especially on cold winter weekends. Binge watching a Viking series, The Crown, and lots of others helped me.  I get sucked in on the historical dramas.

[PLin]

Being a hermit often feels like the best option!

[BBB]

Just now, PLin said:

Being a hermit often feels like the best option!

Most days it does

[Roxeanne]

I think we will never fully recover...we can't forget that there is a very important absent in our life, we live a half life now!

So i accept every emotions, from cry  again to look for him around, from enjoy my day with friends and family laughing to an intense wish to see him again...or like yesterday that was the anniversary of his passing i talked  hours about him with a  good friend of his...

And i felt so consoled!

Yes there are a step forward and two steps back...but it's natural!

It's how it should be!!

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, BBB said:

Well we could sit around like a hermit

BBB, 

For me, that (being a hermit) became unbearable.  I pushed everyone away, then felt I was going insane being alone.  

My family and friends had no idea how hard it was to just keep breathing.  Sadly, many of you here understand, even if your journey is not just like mine. 

Losing your soulmate really is life shattering. Sticking a few shards together to try to make a new life for yourself seems impossible. I am so sorry each of you are on this path. 

For whatever help it may be, I can say I have really come a long way back to living a contented, often happy, occasionally joyous life. I will always miss my sweetheart. 

Gail 

[Sparky1]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Sparky, thinking of you (((hugs)))

Kay, coming here and seeing yours and everyone's posts brings me comfort. Thank you for the kind words. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

BBB, 

For me, that (being a hermit) became unbearable.  I pushed everyone away, then felt I was going insane being alone.  

My family and friends had no idea how hard it was to just keep breathing.  Sadly, many of you here understand, even if your journey is not just like mine. 

Losing your soulmate really is life shattering. Sticking a few shards together to try to make a new life for yourself seems impossible. I am so sorry each of you are on this path. 

For whatever help it may be, I can say I have really come a long way back to living a contented, often happy, occasionally joyous life. I will always miss my sweetheart. 

Gail 

Gail, that is so similar to my experience.  I was a virtual hermit for months; I could not tolerate being around most people and even those I did see made me exhausted just by being there.  Just as I really started to step back into the world, COVID hit us.  During isolation, I realized that such a lone existence might actually be worse than trying to find my way forward.  My loyal circle of friends and family knew they couldn't fully understand and didn't expect me to "get over it" or "move on."  Even so, I found and find myself keeping my grief mostly inward.  I haven't told anyone about how hard the past 3-4 weeks have been because I don't want to be a burden or seem "weak."  Even as I logically know that's not a good thing, my heart doesn't care. 

I remember from one of Nora McInerny's TED Talks when she talks about replying "Fine" to people in her life who asked "How are you?" and that she realized doing that was putting a barrier between her and those who love her.  She's not wrong, but I still haven't found the strength to break out of that box most of the time.

I doubt I will ever put the shattered bits of my heart back together fully.  It wouldn't be possible because when John died, he took a big part of my heart with him.  But I am figuring out how to reassemble what's left into a life I can live with some happiness and purpose.

It's a slow and painful journey, as we all know, but it is a journey and I have made progress.

[PLin]

When people ask me how I am doing I just say 'some good days, some bad days'. It seems better than 'fine'.

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, BBB said:

Well we could sit around like a hermit

 

Actually that's more like what my life has become lately!  With so many people putting demands on me, yet no one seemingly caring about me, I find myself withdrawing more and more...

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I remember from one of Nora McInerny's TED Talks when she talks about replying "Fine" to people in her life who asked "How are you?" and that she realized doing that was putting a barrier between her and those who love her.  She's not wrong, but I still haven't found the strength to break out of that box most of the time.

I think that's fine for strangers, coworkers, casual friends, so long as you have someone you can really let down to.  For me that's always been my sister but now I'm losing her to dementia and I dread to think what life will be like without her in it, as it is, she "comes and goes" brain wise. 

1 hour ago, PLin said:

When people ask me how I am doing I just say 'some good days, some bad days'. It seems better than 'fine'.

 

I remember saying, "As well as can be expected."  Seemed appropriate.

[SSC]

23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

BBB, 

For me, that (being a hermit) became unbearable.  I pushed everyone away, then felt I was going insane being alone.  

My family and friends had no idea how hard it was to just keep breathing.  Sadly, many of you here understand, even if your journey is not just like mine. 

Losing your soulmate really is life shattering. Sticking a few shards together to try to make a new life for yourself seems impossible. I am so sorry each of you are on this path. 

For whatever help it may be, I can say I have really come a long way back to living a contented, often happy, occasionally joyous life. I will always miss my sweetheart. 

Gail 

This was me exactly, Gail. I came to a crossroads where I knew I had to do something and I have made small baby steps pulling myself out of the dark pit.  I had to be proactive because My mental health was at jeopardy and I was hiding it the best I could from everyone. It was unbearable.  My life isn’t anything I wanted it to be and I still feel like I’m living on the outside looking in.  Because this is the time of my life where we were supposed to travel, enjoy spending time together and being retired I find myself being somewhat biter.  I worked my whole life to get to this point and I will never get to experience the fruits of our labor.  I want to do these things with him.  He is my best friend.  I can’t imagine doing it alone or with anyone else.  So, what is left? I know I’m fortunate for what I have and my life could be much worse, it’s just I have nothing to look forward to that is intriguing.  Life is just one day at a time now and somehow I have to make it to the end.

[PLin]

1 hour ago, SSC said:

I can’t imagine doing it alone or with anyone else.  

SSC,

I travelled alone while my husband was still alive. I loved to road-trip and camp and he did not. Together we travelled extensively all around the world, which was great. I wanted to get another dog so we got a dog and put our travels on hold. Our 15yo Wheaten died in 2020 and we planned to start travelling again. Then Ted died before we could begin to travel again. 

I think about travelling by myself now. Or perhaps finding a travel companion. Maybe both. I know Ted wouldn't want my love of travel to end with his death. I will find a way. It will be bittersweet, for sure, but I will come to enjoy it in time.

Hugs,

Lin

[SSC]

@PLin I am impressed you road tripped and camped on your own. I would love to get some tips from you as I enjoy both of these things too. I don’t know how I’d feel camping alone tho.

[PLin]

SSS,

My first solo trip was from Ontario to Newfoundland. My friends thought I was so brave but it was easy. I loved the solitude and following my heart wherever I wanted to go. I think that is why I was so floored by the loneliness of grief. I thought I was okay with being on my own but learned the hard way that grief is a loneliness like no other.

Lin

[foreverhis]

22 minutes ago, PLin said:

I think that is why I was so floored by the loneliness of grief. I thought I was okay with being on my own but learned the hard way that grief is a loneliness like no other.

For me, travel has lost its appeal.  We traveled often, from little camping weekends to trips to Hawaii and Scandinavia (I lived there as an exchange student in high school).  After we both developed medical conditions that limited what we could do, we didn't travel for a few years, but then we figured out how to do it within our limitations.

I can only speculate that the reason it feels so different for you now is that in the past, you knew you'd be coming home to your love.  You're right and it's aptly put that grief is a loneliness like no other.  There's being alone and comfortable in ourselves, but that's nothing like being without our soulmate.

[Canadagirl81]

@Sparky1 My partner's birthday is also on Friday the 18th.....It's only been just over a month since he left so I know it will be a very raw and tremendously hard day. I will be thinking of you and your wife as well. <3 

@PLin <3 You are so strong

[Sparky1]

15 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@Sparky1 My partner's birthday is also on Friday the 18th.....It's only been just over a month since he left so I know it will be a very raw and tremendously hard day. I will be thinking of you and your wife as well. <3 

@PLin <3 You are so strong

Thank you Canadagirl81. I'm also very sorry for your loss. Yes, those event days are very difficult without our partner. In 2020, covid had just started and I couldn't take my wife out to dinner for her birthday. What a sh***y way to remember her last birthday. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, SSC said:

I have nothing to look forward to that is intriguing.  Life is just one day at a time now and somehow I have to make it to the end.

Sounds like my life.  Covid made it worse.  I used to have times with others I looked forward to.  Now it's so solitary and too busy with things I don't want to do, like my sister's dementia/disability, other people's "demands" on me.  I used to have a ladies group I met with on Fridays, I led a grief group and really enjoyed them, I did the church treasurer job, II met with friends and played scrabble, went on retreat once a year, now my social life is zilch...

15 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

My partner's birthday is also on Friday the 18th

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. 
Birthday of loved one