Members Popular Post typesettergirl Posted March 11, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 So slow it has taken me eight months to sign up. Must of been the right time because I did look in July but I was searching for support group meetings and with the times they are not meeting in my area. My mind cannot focus enough to even write what is bouncing around in my head. I read much more then I post. In reading the bad times you have all gone thru make me what to share what an ER nurse told me. My husband passed away suddenly on Friday, July 9th, my dogs had a fight Monday, July 12th (due to all the stress in the house) and bit my thumb sending me to the small little hospital where my husband had been days before. The next day was mine and his oldest son’s birthday so the nurse said “you must really be pissing off the devil”. It didn’t really make much at the time (I’m not super religious) but the more and more I think about that, I think yup I have that kind of power, hopefully that power has found you as well. I read about seeing a therapist, that is on my list and I know this is part of self care. It is difficult. Joe history of heart disease was long. We talked often about what to do when he passed but when it actually suddenly happened it still doesn’t seem like it happened. Joe feels very much here because we talked so much about the after. Talking to Joe, feeling him so right here can be painful at times. Pain almost feels good because that is him and he is not gone at that time. I read the part about how long to go through the loved ones things. I am glad it says maybe never getting the things gone thru. That sounds like my schedule. I say Joe was the pack rat but it was both of us, mine was just contained to a couple of rooms, his stuff is so everywhere. It is so overwhelming to see the things (Joe was into so many tools, hobbies, some sports, thrifting, several family members items when they passed, etc.) but then can be sad when something is sold or given away. Self care comes up a lot in the reading. Joe was that for me. The guilt of wanting him back, knowing how selfish that is. Joe was helping neighbors when he passed. He enjoyed very much helping out. If he could of picked a way to go this would of been it. hugs 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 11, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 Have you tried GriefShare to see if it's in your area? Can call around churches to see if any have a grief support group, usually it sticks to grief, not religion as that's the point of it. Can call hospice to see if they know of one too. Grief specialist I am so sorry for your loss. I want to welcome you here, I'm glad you found this site, it helps, it really does. We don't have a time table/schedule for grief, our journeys are unique and you're right, you can take forever or never to go through his things, it's up to you! You are so right about self-care. I learned when George died, that the one who cared for me is gone so now it's up to me to be my own advocate, up to me to value myself, take care of myself, learn to be patient, understanding, and kind to myself. Nothing happens quickly it seems, all this can take time. Why would you feel guilt for wanting him back? We all do! We don't want them to suffer, naturally, but wanting them here with us is the most natural thing in the world. Feelings are just that, feelings, neither inherently good nor inherently bad, they just are. We accept them and try to incorporate our brains into our decisions. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Canadagirl81 Posted March 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 12, 2022 I just wanted to offer my condolences for the loss of your husband. @KayC has given you such wonderful information and tools. We are all in this together and you are not alone. Hugs to you <3 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members typesettergirl Posted March 13, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 13, 2022 On 3/11/2022 at 8:38 AM, KayC said: Have you tried GriefShare to see if it's in your area? Thank you so much for this suggestion. Now I see there are groups in my area, I must of not searched the right key words before. Or I am finding out more my mind was not ready to grieve. Joe would talk a lot about what to do when he passed, I was focused on that and now it is time for me. I keep re-reading the post, the OCD is probably a grief soothing process. Looking up GriefShare on YouTube gave lots of videos of other peoples experiences so I took an all-day crying-a-thon. Today moving forward as that is the only thing we can do. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 14, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 14, 2022 I'm glad you found griefshare! Another good resource is https://whatsyourgrief.com/ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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