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[Canadagirl81]

Hi...I'm Laura. I'm so thankful for this community because I know in the coming months and years I will need this support and it also feels good to support others. 

I lost my true soulmate and partner Glenn on the 7th of February suddenly. Glenn and I had a pretty unconventional relationship. We lived together for the last 4 years but have been in each other's lives as close friends for over 10. I went through a very painful divorce and Glenn really helped me through those dark days. I don't think I would be here without him in all honesty. We travelled a lot over the last 4 years, we moved down south to Nashville and lived there for 2 and then when Covid was really getting crazy, we returned up to Pennsylvania to live with his family at their Lake House in September of 2020 and have been here ever since. We weren't sure where we were going next but with Glenn, it was always an adventure. Both of us have been on a kind of life purpose, self discovery journey over the last few years and we were truly each other's person. He knew I was still healing from my divorce and gave me the space I needed but we were constantly evolving and growing closer and closer. He got me, truly got me. We spent all our time together...hiking in nature, creating (both of us are musicians and creatives) and just enjoying life. I think a huge part of me didn't think I deserved him, or maybe the pain of my divorce had broken more of my heart that I realized but again, Glenn understood. He held me, was truly my best friend, my constant and my rock. 

Glenn didn't always take the best care of himself. I'm a pretty motherly person and he hadn't been to the doctor in many years. When we started sharing our lives together, I encouraged him to go to the dentist and the eye doctor, which he did. He got sober and adapted a plant based diet. He lost a considerable amount of weight and was super healthy. Recently he finally got a GP and had his blood work done, and all was great.  He would tell me all the time that I saved him. Glenn had a stent in his heart from when he had Hodgkins lymphoma several years ago. He talked about it but honestly I didn't know what a stent really was until this happened and looking back I don't understand why seeing a cardiologist wasn't the very first thing recommended by his GP.  Glenn was a do-er. He did EVERYTHING for everyone. In the lake community where we live, he was always helping his neighbors (super handy guy) and his loss his affected so so many people. 

Glenn had worked from home for his family business in shipping and logistics for the last 30 years but with Covid, the industry greatly changed and things had dwindled. For the last several months he had been going down the Jersey shore to work with his sister and brother-in-law at their financial firm Monday through Thursday. He was a jack of all trades and knew a lot about a lot of different things. Very technical, great with a camera, lighting and sound. He could set up any music or media studio that you could ever possibly need and he was excited about being on a new team.  The morning of the day he died he woke me up to say bye which he didn't usually do because it was super early but I'm so thankful he did that day. I held his face in my hands and we kissed and told each other we loved each other. He said bye to our cat Gracie and made the 2 hour drive to work.  That day I was helping a friend of mine paint this old house she's restoring and I wasn't on my phone much. He texted me around 1pm asking how my day was and I said good and asked him the same.  He said that he had a scare, that he had terrible heartburn and it felt like he was having a heart attack.  I immediately asked if he was okay and if he needed to go to the ER but he said he took a tums and a baby aspirin and was pushing through, he thought it was just indigestion...he ate hot sauce a lot. A little later I checked in and he said he was still in pain.  This is the part of the day that will haunt me forever. I walk the neighbors dog because she is disabled. I left, picked up sadie and began my walk. I reached in my pocket to call Glenn and realized I didn't have my phone. By the time I got back to the house almost an hour had passed from his last text and when I called, he didn't answer which was very unusual. I texted, nothing. Immediately I felt something had happened and I called his sister. Her and her husband had left the office earlier that afternoon to pick something up and Glenn had been left there alone. A co-worker found him in the hallway, his bag and everything all packed. He was headed out the door to go back to his sisters house. They tried to revive him but it was too late. I've never even been to this office but I wake up in the mornings and see him laying there and it jolts me to my core.

I hate that I didn't have my phone on me. I hate that I didn't make him go to the ER earlier in the morning when his body was begging him to get help. He was having a heart attack and he had time.  Nothing can be undone and I think that is the biggest pain in all of this.  It's so quiet, so permanent and so unfathomable.  
I'm now here with his 80 year old parents and brother, helping them pick up all the pieces and close his accounts, etc. I don't know where I'm going next. My family is from Canada and I may return there but again, I have no idea. Just going to take this one day at a time. I am not one to hide my emotions, I flow with them, I feel them all. I face grief head on, Glenn taught me that. I just never in a million years thought he would be gone so soon, I always saw him growing old like his dad. I'm kind of isolated here in the Poconos, a lot of my friends are in Jersey where I used to live and in Nashville but I really don't know where it is I belong. Glenn was home. You never truly know what you have until it's gone and the void is unimaginable. 
I know we are all here experiencing this...I understand I am not alone. I talk to him out loud. He visits me in lucid dreams...(the one I had on the night he died is insane) and he sends me messages through songs. I hope there is an afterlife and I hope that when it's my time, he is there waiting to take me home. 

Thanks for this space and allowing me to speak my truth here. Love to you all. 
Laura

[KG21]

What a beautiful life you built and shared together @Canadagirl81. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart aches for you, and I hope you find some comfort in your memories and songs. I’ve just begun my journey, so I don’t have advice to give yet as everything still feels so raw and quite honestly surreal. I’m slowly starting to realize I’m not waking up from this nightmare, but it still just feels so unfathomable. How can they be here one moment and then gone the next? Just know we are all here supporting and listening to you. You are not alone. Hugs 

[unmukt]

Dear Laura, i am so so sorry and i am sending you a huge tight hug right now. I am crying with you too . I understand how much courage you have gathered to find your way here and pen down everything about this pain. I can feel your words so much..i have recently lost my soulmate to blood cancer and it just resonates when you said he was your home. My person was my home too. I had comfort, fun, love , friendship everything in that one little ray of sunshine in human form. No one can be what he was to me. He saved me from depression, made me laugh , became my best friend and we stayed closest and holding each other for these lovely four years. The loss becomes so so hard to accept when it is so sudden. I lost my sweet boy in a week and a week earlier he was this healthy young boy. He suddenly had dark spots around his eye and we visited an eye doctor. We were advised to take a blood test. The day the results of the blood test shook us both since he barely had platelets. He also had started internal bleeding. And then it was a week long battle in the hospital to somehow save him. He didn't lose faith and even in the hospital he would say how much he loved me and even joked while he could. He was an angel . And reading all your words, i feel Glenn was an angel too. 

He is surely aware of whatever you are doing at the moment for his family and yourself too. I am sure he is holding you quite close to himself and he loves you to bits and pieces. I believe in an afterlife too, since I also have felt my person in multiple ways . I don't know what else to say to you except that through tough days i shall be here for you. Whenever the waves feel unbearable please come here and write it down. Cry, scream, believe that he is within you even right now and atleast try to survive, even in situations which feel extremely hopeless. I am trying one day at a time. I keep talking to him. I keep believing in us and that I shall meet my sweet boy one day again. Lots of love to you. 

[Canadagirl81]

@KG21Your words bring much comfort and I am right with you. It is a nightmare. It doesn't seem real. I shake my head and sometimes even laugh to myself that this is now my reality. Our reality. So fortunate to have found this platform and people like you. Hugs to you....xo xo Thank you. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Gagarina Nath I cried reading your reply and I feel your energetic embrace. Please know I am sending one right back to you. I am so tremendously sorry for the loss of your person, your home. You are right, they are both angels, both of them saving us in their own way.  
I must say to you....that the love you have with him, the way he saved you from your depression and provided you with a safe haven within a best friend and love.....that taught you how to be those things for yourself.  He would want you to be those things for yourself now. You still have you.  I still have me. It will never be the same, it will never feel "enough" because...it's not everything it could be and we both know that.  But what we also know is that both your angel and mine would want us to continue on.  The hurt is going to be very painful at times and that's okay. Today for example I woke up and felt pretty balanced. I meditated, I fed myself a healthy meal and watched some videos on grief. Then...my mood shifted and I became angry about how things played out and what I could have done differently so I journaled about those feelings, I cried, I screamed into my pillow and then made myself a cup of tea. 

I love what you said about Glenn holding me even now. I know he is so thankful that I'm here for his parents, their pain is immense and I can't imagine facing all the paperwork and computer stuff at their age not knowing about technology and how it all works. It's the least I can do and I'd do it a million times for them and him.

One minute and breath at a time if need be.  You have me too. We got this. 

[unmukt]

Thank you dear @Canadagirl81. I feel grateful for your presence here. One day at a time and we shall be with our angels again. I can feel you are an amazing person and I hope you be immensely blessed.

[tnd]

I'd like to offer condolences. I am so very sorry for your loss. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

he thought it was just indigestion.

My husband thought the same the night before his heart attack.  I am so sorry for your loss!  I'm glad you found your way here, this is a very caring group of people and it helps to know others going through similar things that get it and understand.  I'm glad you've found your way into the heart and soul of the group...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[RN-Nix]

@Canadagirl81oh wow . I just Read your post. I don't know where to begin. I'm so so sorry for your loss. It's so painful to experience the loss but wishing we could have done something different eats away at us too. The "if only I had " and "maybe ifs". You/We have lost our person, our soulmates and it leaves us wondering where do we go from here? How do we go on without their presence ? I haven't quite figured it out as yet. It's just too painful . You said "I hope there is an afterlife" it makes me smile because I've shared my near death experience where I witnessed my soul leaving my body and I've heard other accounts of this. I believe there is an after life.  We are only here temporarily and I am convinced we WILL see our loves again . He is with you!! Look for the signs no matter how subtle. I used to spend my summers in Canada as a young girl and wanted to drive my boys there. Please continue to share here. Im sending you a big hug like I've done others. The support here will help you to make it through many rough days. I don't have the answers but I do empathize with your pain!!!!! 

[Canadagirl81]

@tnd Thank you so much <3

[Canadagirl81]

@KayC I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It absolutely destroys me about the pain they were both experiencing and neither realized what was happening. I don't think many know that heartburn is a HUGE warning sign of heart attack, I certainly didn't. I wish things could have been so different for both of us. I'm very thankful to be here and have felt welcomed and heard from the moment I logged on. Thank you so much for your love and support. xo

[Canadagirl81]

@RN-Nix Thank you friend. I understand and I really don't know how to wrap my mind around the fact that he won't be here with me physically for the rest of my days. It still feels like he's just down in Jersey and he will be coming home any minute and all will be the same as it was. I watched a 6 part docu-series on Netflix called "Surviving Death" and boy did it open my eyes and really make me feel and believe that there is a consciousness after our human bodies die. I really don't think we have any idea what is truly going on. I'm very spiritual. That's amazing you had a near death experience! I'm sure it completely confirmed for you an afterlife which is truly beautiful. The near-death stories in Surviving Death were incredible. 

I look and ask for signs and talk to him all the time out loud. I have a medium friend and she told me that he would be sending me messages through music and he absolutely does. Crows are really significant to us and I have seen them every day on my walk. They land on the road in front of me and we make eye contact. Last night he was in my dream and we had a pretty lengthy conversation and I was lucid while it was happening which I love. It just all doesn't seem real and I don't know if it ever will. 

I will continue to post here, I feel like I'm with people who truly truly get it, because I am
Yeah Canada is amazing, I grew up there but have lived in the States since 2008. Not sure what my path looks like going forward but I am trusting. 
Hugs to you and thanks again xo

[RN-Nix]

@@Canadagirl81so sweet thank you !! I too am trying to wrap my mind around his passing since Christmas. I haven't been able to do so....yet. for a while my mind was frozen.  It just seemed like I was unable to process anything about his death. I couldn't have complete thoughts of him or us or else I would go nuts. It just took me to a very dark place. The crying was horrible..I could not control it and wasn't ashamed to cry. When I least expect it the thought hits me that he is gone and not physically coming back and I get really sad. I'm happy to hear that you are spiritual because that is what has been "keeping me sane" and "calming me". If you're seeing crows then that's a definite sign. I see his car pop up when I'm driving and feeling like I want to cry or when i am crying and I'm completely reassured in that moment that he knows what I'm feeling. The bright sunlight are also reminders that he is near ...those small things are really huge to me and I know it's his presence . He came to me in my dreams after his wake and burial and 2 were dreams of reassurance the others of comfort. I could physically feel him hugging me although I was asleep. I want him here. I want to continue to experience the happiness we had and what we could have built together. .I'm certain we all want that. I just know that we will see our loves again . I am convinced and my experiences tell me so. We just have to live out our calling in this life. Hang in there.  I am hanging right along with you. Pain and all ...smh

[Canadagirl81]

@RN-Nix Totally feel you. I think with me, my divorce (along with a lost pregnancy) resulted in so much grief that I had to work through that it kind of prepared me for this grief and how to deal with it, although....this is a million times more painful. I never thought I would survive my past and even though I don't know how I will survive this, I know I will, with him guiding me. 
I hear you on the reassuring feelings when I'm at my lowest. Just today I walked to the top of the road and there's this HUGE tree that we both loved. It's so old and gorgeous. I went over to it, I talked to it and told it about Glenn leaving and I began sobbing and suddenly....this calm came over me. I felt embraced and comforted from some external source. It was him...I know it.

I love that you could feel your love physically hugging you in your sleep, that's so powerful and beautiful.   The other night I had a dream that this man (a stranger) gave me Glenn's ashes (which I already have) and he said "Oh these are for you too" and he handed me two wedding bands. One fit my ring finger perfectly, the other was bigger. I put them both on my finger and when I woke up I was holding my ring finger with my other hand, as if I was holding onto the dream rings that were on my finger. It was wild. 

I know we will see them again too. I hope he's up there designing and building our dream home for when I join him. How amazing would that be?
Hanging in, one breath at a time.... xo 

[KayC]

It's the hardest thing in the world to wrap our minds around this...I remember wondering how someone so alive and vivacious could be here...and then just NOT!

I didn't see how the sun could go on shining without him in it!

I didn't see how everyone could go on bustling about their day...didn't they realize the greatest man who ever lived, died?!!

[Canadagirl81]

@KayC Boy do I completely resonate with everything you just typed Kay. Such a bright bright light who held it all together for everyone and it's suddenly just gone? HOW?  It's unimaginable and yet here I am, here we all are, living and breathing without them. It's so unfair.

It's Friday...every Friday Glenn would put on his favourite Black Crows song "Hotel Illness" and strut around doing this hilarious impersonated Chris Robinson strut dance. I have several videos of it (SO THANKFUL FOR THOSE) and so now every Friday morning I put it on and I ask him to dance for me. Although I can't see him with my human eyes, I know he's here in the room, hamming it up and strutting his cutie little butt around.  Nothing will ever be the same but I will honor him in every way I can for all the rest of my years here.

Hugs...I hope you have a good weekend xo

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

every Friday Glenn would put on his favourite Black Crows song "Hotel Illness" and strut around doing this hilarious impersonated Chris Robinson strut dance.

I love it!  It says so much about who he is, this brought me a smile.

[Canadagirl81]

@KayC It is the cutest, silliest, sexiest thing ever. I used to tell him all the time that I didn't see a 54 year old man when I looked at him, I saw him at 18, full of life and young energy. He knew how to connect to his inner child...but also an intuitive pisces, very wise beyond his years. I love that I have these videos of him and the memories...they will sustain me for all the rest of my days. 

Happy Saturday friend. We are getting a TON of snow here in the northeast so me and my little miss kitty Gracie are having a snow day inside watching Netflix and I'm going to make some veggie and lentil soup. I hope you are having a good day. <3

[Steve79]

Laura, I've been very consumed with my own situation this past week, so I haven't read through many other people's yet. 

But I just read yours. I really felt the tragedy in it, and your grief. It's all so understandable how you feel guilty for not taking your phone, and then not suggesting Glenn get help.

The reality is you simply forgot your phone. We all do that. I did that once and then broke down in my car! It just was. Who knows, the higher angels might even have orchestrated that, because it was Glenn's time to go to the other side from his physical realm. You can only submit to that kind of cosmic will. It's too awesome. 

Please go easy on yourself about not making him go to ER. He seemed convinced it was indigestion, and you said he eats lots of hot sauces. I know this sounds slightly curt, and I don't know exactly how to say it, but though you could have pressured him, he was an adult, with his own responsibility, and insisted on pushing on. You did advise him, but he took the ultimate responsibility for the decision not to go. This is not on you. Would he have gone if you'd made him? It's tempting for me to say something silly to you like "don't feel guilty". I'd be a fool to expect you to reply "oh..ok then, I hadn't thought of that, thanks". But it might be worth looking at these difficult emotional struggles from a colder, somewhat more objective perspective. To step outside of the situation. It might help with things like guilt. 

 

There's another part of your post which really jumps out at me. I quote you:

Quote

You never truly know what you have until it's gone

This, I assure you, will be the main principle upon which your life will change once you heal from this shattering experience. That will be the positive that comes from this. This is a central piece of Glenn's legacy. This is Glenn's gift to you. This is how Glenn will live on in your heart. And because of this, other people will benefit from the value you place on them. That's beauty in an otherwise ugly world. Glenn's love will continue to spread among those you relate with because of the way his death changes how you value people going forward. In that sense, he is not dead. He will never truly die. He is in your heart. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 I absolutely sobbed reading your reply...it just all flowed out of me and I must have really needed it because I feel lighter in this moment so thank you. I have the same thoughts as you stated. He was a grown adult, he made his own decision but could I have made him go? I'm thinking yes...and had I known what was really going on you can bet my stubborn Taurus heart would have made sure he got help. Nothing can be done about that now. The thing about my phone is....I ALWAYS have my phone with me. I can count on one hand the number of times I've left it behind anywhere so it was really unusual that day that I left it sitting on the couch thinking I had it in my pocket. You could be right, for some reason it was his time and the universe stepped in but it still feels so awful. I know it's not my fault, but we all look back and say "What if I had done x,y and z." and of course I can't control when my mind throws those thoughts at me, I can only control how I react to them. It's just going to take time for me to not blame myself or anyone for that matter for what and how it went down. Again, I just can't believe this is my reality. I shake my head in disbelief and defeat. 

As for Glenn's gift, I am thankful for it. I already knew it but never to this degree and I know that I will never take anyone or anything for granted. I love your perspective, thank you. His love is now inside of me, energetically intertwined with my own love and I feel like I have a kind of superpower, so so much love inside. You are right, he is in my heart and I know he lives on there. 

Thank you Steve. I hope you are feeling okay today and that negative covid test comes very soon. Thinking of you and S. 

[Steve79]

43 minutes ago, Canadagirl81 said:

 I just can't believe this is my reality.

I know. I feel the pain in this statement. It's probably the biggest pain any of us can face. But changing that fact, to one of belief (i.e. acceptance) should be your ultimate goal, at the risk of stating the obvious. It's what Glenn would want for you. I think you might do well to create, shape, and accept the smaller, constituent realities of your wider reality first, as steps to that ultimate goal. 

To give you an example from my life of how I would achieve a smaller goal first, I met S in our favourite bar in town 4 years ago. I've been wondering how I can ever go in there again without her. To see the actual spot we met. I have many happy memories of cheery Saturday nights in there with her. I can't believe I won't ever go in there with her again. Hang on a minute, I will go in there with her again, in spirit, just not her body. I'll even go to that spot where we met. Because she's in my heart, and so many people in there know her. So though I won't be able to go in there for some time (damn emotions!), when I do, she will be with me. In my heart and in my memory. I'll keep her memory alive (and therefore her) in the bar by talking with her friends, in there, about her. Everybody knew her. And this thought is very comforting to me, and not particularly frightening anymore. We shared the same birthday. When I go out to celebrate mine, she's also with me, in spirit, celebrating hers. I'll celebrate hers for her. See where I'm getting at? If I can frame what I thought was woe and dread into something beautiful, I've achieved a small goal, and shaped a reality as something beautiful and not dreadful. These goals will eventually cluster together to shape my reality, a reality I will believe. 

So I'm wondering if shifting perspectives, re-framing your statements, and questioning their underlying assumptions, one by one, might serve as mini goals to be realised on the way to your ultimate goal.. to believe this is your reality.

You're a very strong and emotionally well equipped person. That's abundantly clear from your writing. Glenn died suddenly. That's one of the worst types of grief. Yet one month later you have a good objective handle on your situation. You understand your own predicament. The foundations for your battle are strong and already laid, so go ahead and fight it now. I think you'll be believing this is your reality a little quicker than you imagine. You'll make it through well and grounded. I can tell. 

[Canadagirl81]

@Steve79 Thank you. I have accepted it but I still can't believe it if that makes sense. I will have to continue to shift to that acceptance perspective many many times a day. You are right....you will go into that beloved space again and you will bring her with you. You share a birthday, that's so beautiful. You are so strong. 
Glenn is in my heart too and I'm bringing him along as well. Tonight I made dinner and I sat at the table and talked to his spot across from me and I knew he was there. I know he's always here even if I can't physically see him. 
Small goals....that will be my focus too. I will be mindful of the statements I make as well, thank you for the reminder. 
Thank you for calling me strong. I know I am. I know emotionally I've done a ton of work over the last several years and it prepared me for this and it prepared me for future grief as well. My foundation is strong because it's within myself and in my control. I know you will make it through too. Thankful for your words and support. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

He knew how to connect to his inner child

I love that!  My George also, so full of life!  The only person I ever made snow angels with...

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Canadagirl81 said:

We are getting a TON of snow here in the northeast

We had a huge windstorm (up to 80 mph) all day/eve yesterday.  I picked up branches in the road/driveway/yard for hours off/on  yesterday.  There's more to do today.  I'm so exhausted from it.  How different it is tackling things alone!  Snow predictions for today.  What a day to have "Spring forward!"

15 hours ago, Steve79 said:

though you could have pressured him, he was an adult, with his own responsibility

That was the view I always took, but now I wish I'd been more insistent.  In George's case I had tried to get him to change doctors...he didn't.  His doctor should have referred him to a cardiologist, done a stress test, he didn't...and then it was too late.

15 hours ago, Steve79 said:

He seemed convinced it was indigestion

George had thought that too, at the time I didn't know it was a sign of heart trouble...sure enough.  By that time it was too late, sometimes by the time we see these siigns it is too far gone.

 

[Canadagirl81]

27 minutes ago, KayC said:

I love that!  My George also, so full of life!  The only person I ever made snow angels with...

We did this all the time too!!!!!! We walked for several hours onto the frozen lake last year to a little island called Eppley Island. We had SO much fun that day. 

In regards to George's heart and Glenn's....it's just SO defeating and incomprehensible. The signs were there. Glenn should have been having yearly exams of his stent...it had been years. I'm tired of this. It's like I get to the end of the day and I feel somehow empowered after dealing with all my emotions of the day, I talk to his picture and say goodnight but then I wake up and the second my eyes are open it's like a reset. The anger feelings, the sudden shock of him being gone, another day to face without him, seeing him laying there in the hallway.....I want to wake up in a different reality but I have no choice! We have no choice but to continue to face this one.  Just so so unfair.

Spring forward indeed. We are looking at some warmer weather over the next week so hopefully the 7+ inches of snow that just dumped on us will be gone. 

Wishing you a peaceful Sunday @KayC

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

He knew how to connect to his inner child

My Giorgio was a child too! As we say in Italy..."un bambinone"...

That's why he was so special!

I have never had so much fun in my whole life!

That's why i have a costant regret of him...he left me in a world suddenly boring and ordinary!

I remember him in these days with silence and prayers...

terrified by the horrible war in Ukraine...innocent people are dying up there, children women and whole families!

My sorrow is overwhelmed by the pain of the humanity...

 

[Canadagirl81]

Roxeanne, I echo your words. Glenn made life so much fun. 
Everything happening with humanity is just so horrific and it makes me so scared for our future. Some days I just stay in bed and hermit myself away from it all. Today feels like one of those days. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

he left me in a world suddenly boring and ordinary!

Exactly, it's like my world went from living color to black/white/greys.

Didn't make it to church yesterday, got up early and got around even with losing an hour to standard time, I always walk Kodie before church...went outside with him and was stunned!  All the branches I picked up all day Saturday, like I never did it!  High winds all night leaving the road, driveway, property covered in branches, some of them huge!  And very tired...

I picked up branches all day again, even helping my cancer friend by clearing her driveway.

 

[Canadagirl81]

Going to the DMV today to get the title for Glenn's car and everything transferred over to me. Please send positive thoughts that all goes smoothly. 

[Steve79]

Sending positive vibes that all goes smoothly 

[KayC]

How did it go?  You okay?  These things can be so hard...

[RN-Nix]

@Canadagirl81 hey there I'm just seeing this. I hope all went well. I didn't know you can get the title at the DMV. 

[Canadagirl81]

@KayC @RN-Nix Thanks sweet friends. It went really really well actually, super smooth. Glenn didn't have a will but I paid off the lien on his car a couple weeks ago so we got the title. His dad and I weren't sure what the steps were but we went to the title place and they transferred it directly to me, no problem. I got a new plate, registration and insurance all sorted. I feel a tremendous amount of relief that it worked out as easily as it did. I have never had my own car and knowing that only Glenn and I have owned it makes me feel like he's watching over me, protecting me and will always be with me. We did a lot of adventuring in it over the last few years. Now to find a job and figure out where it is I want to live.....I don't know if I'll stay in this area or not to be honest. Please send positive thoughts my way. The warmer weather will soon be here so I'll start going through all our stuff we have stored in the garage here and donate/purge to prepare to move. I'm hoping I can get a remote job to be honest so I can move anywhere but we shall see.  <3 Hope you are both feeling as balanced and peaceful as you can today.  I was super angry very early this morning, wide awake with PTSD images in my head and I had to get in the shower to wash it all off of me. I feel semi-calm now. Hugs to you both. 

[KayC]

I am so glad it went so well!  Sending you positive thoughts your way!

[Canadagirl81]

@KayC Thank you so much. <3 Sending them right back to you. 

[Canadagirl81]

It was Glenn's 55th birthday on Friday. His sister and brother in law came up for the weekend. We had a cake for him, we sang but the entire time you could just feel the emptiness coming from all of us. Some moments I think I'm doing semi-okay, but then it just get sucked all away. His mom, brother, sister and brother in law all decided to go into town on Saturday and just walk around. Watching people walking holding hands, being in the familiar places where Glenn and I had been a million times, I just saw him everywhere and I had to fight back tears the entire time. I couldn't wait to come home. Facetimed with my parents today and they really pushed the subject of me coming home to Canada but I truly don't know if that's what I want. "You'll eventually have to move on" UGH! Stop saying that. I get it but...damn. I felt really really awful today. I went for a walk and cried pretty much the whole time, sobbed in some spots. Tonight after being on here I'm feeling a little bit lighter. Tomorrow is a new day....sending hugs and love to whoever needs it.

[KayC]

It is so hard to go through those days, I haven't found an easy or perfect way to do it...it seems I'm the only one that remembers anymore.  I haven't heard from his family since he died, pretty much.  His wasn't the greatest.  I keep up with his daughter on FB a bit but his birth family was troubled, very much so.

[RN-Nix]

@KayC wow same story minus fb. I tried keeping in touch with them but haven't heard anything.  He kept me away from them and I can honestly see why. The communication seemed one sided so I've let it be. They have suffered a lot of loss too and would probably not understand the depth of our connection. Its just a loss all the way around. 

[KayC]

His daughter lives in TN, I'm in OR...

[BlueFrog]

On 3/9/2022 at 10:01 PM, Canadagirl81 said:

You never truly know what you have until it's gone and the void is unimaginable. 

So true! I sounds like you were a reason for Glenn to take care of himself. That is so telling about much he loves you! He really sounds like special, wonderful man, and I'm so sorry for your loss! It is unimaginable. Losing your love is unreal, surreal and all too real all at the same time. I like that Glenn sends you songs! Tom sends me songs sometimes too. :-) That's fantastic that he visits in your dreams and you get the time to talk, and that you remember the dreams. Wonderful! I'm sure Glenn is thankful and so glad you are there with his folks during this time. And I'm glad he woke you in the morning before he left.

I don't know if you could have persuaded him to go to the ER even if you'd had your phone. It took me two weeks for my husband to let me take him there (and I thought he was having a stroke, where minutes count - but he just would not budge; he was NOT going). He let me take him finally, and by then he was loopy, silly, and somewhat out of his mind. And his right hand wouldn't work anymore. (Turns out it was brain pressure/swelling from a brain tumor). But men can be tough about that stuff. I guess women can be too, but there's something in our culture that makes men push through pain and keep going.

I don't know how the grief journey ends, or if it ever ends. I've heard from others that it never goes away, but it becomes more managable with time. That's been true for me. It's been 2 1/2 years since Tom passed. I still talk to him aloud every day. I say goodnight to him before I sleep. And I ask for his help when I need it (and he DOES help!).

Hang in there!

 

[Canadagirl81]

@BlueFrog You have no idea how much I needed your reply tonight. Thank you for all that you said about Glenn and his love for me. I am so thankful for the songs and dreams too. He was absolutely amazing and the world just seems so much "less" without him in it. 
I think you are right about the ER. Who knows though...but I agree, men are like that. They really don't like to get help and want to always push on. I am so so sorry about the loss of your beloved Tom. I'm really trying not to let my mind go down the "What if" rabbit holes but sometimes my mind just does it on it's own and I have to re-direct the dialogue. It just overall sucks doesn't it?

I don't think the grief journey ever ends, especially for connections like ours. I love that you talk to Tom (I talk to Glenn every day out loud too) and I love that he helps you. I think that's so beautiful. I'm only 6 weeks in and I can't imagine where I will be in 2 and 1/2 years but I hope I will be as strong as you are.

Thank you again, you truly made my day.
xo
Laura

[BlueFrog]

1 hour ago, Canadagirl81 said:

@BlueFrog You have no idea how much I needed your reply tonight. Thank you for all that you said about Glenn and his love for me. I am so thankful for the songs and dreams too. He was absolutely amazing and the world just seems so much "less" without him in it. 
I think you are right about the ER. Who knows though...but I agree, men are like that. They really don't like to get help and want to always push on. I am so so sorry about the loss of your beloved Tom. I'm really trying not to let my mind go down the "What if" rabbit holes but sometimes my mind just does it on it's own and I have to re-direct the dialogue. It just overall sucks doesn't it?

I don't think the grief journey ever ends, especially for connections like ours. I love that you talk to Tom (I talk to Glenn every day out loud too) and I love that he helps you. I think that's so beautiful. I'm only 6 weeks in and I can't imagine where I will be in 2 and 1/2 years but I hope I will be as strong as you are.

Thank you again, you truly made my day.
xo
Laura

It IS hard not to go down the 'what if' road. I have some regrets, but not too many. One of my friends says "Tom loved you so strong!" I never heard it phrased like that, but I love it.

Glenn loved you so strong! Just do one day at a time. Try not to look to far ahead - today is plenty.

[KayC]

We all go through the "what ifs" in an effort to find some different ending other than the one that happened as it's just to unpalatable to wrap our heads around.  That doesn't make us guilty of anything, but just means this is too hard to take in...of course it is.  (((hugs)))