Suffering

[Lost now]

It's almost a month and half I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly.

Every day every second is unbearable.

I don't think I can keep going on without her. 

Is it just me or any of you can relate to this- I hate that everyone is saying the pandemic is over and getting back to normal. My world has turned upside down and everyone else just seems so happy to me.

Why do we have to keep going when the most important person of our life is gone? 

[reader]

Dear Lost now,

I know it's really hard and so painful not to have your mom with you. Keep hanging on my friend. We are with you. x 

Always here to listen.

[ADM925]

5 hours ago, Lost now said:

Every day every second is unbearable.

8 months and the torment is worse than ever.  Can't sleep but a few minutes and wake up feeling about to die, over and over and over.  The constant heartbreak is too overwhelming, just too great to bear.

6 hours ago, Lost now said:

My world has turned upside down and everyone else just seems so happy to me.

I could only be with people when Mom was there also and I knew she was alright.  Now I want to run from them and their laughter even though it means going back alone to the empty house.

6 hours ago, Lost now said:

Why do we have to keep going when the most important person of our life is gone? 

They say I am dishonoring her legacy by being unhappy, but it is impossible to be happy when in a living hell.  Two worriers who hated to be apart.  It still seems that this is not real, can't be happening . . .         

[unluckydaughter]

Dear Lost Now,

I can completely relate to what you’re feeling. I lost my dear Dad to covid unexpectedly 10 months ago. While we were hoping he would recover, we lost him in a week. It was all so rapid that it’s still unbelievable. 
Since then all I see is happy faces, families enjoying and I feel God did injustice to us. I feel jealous seeing people posting about their Dads, their both parents, happy ceremonies and feel like everyone is happy except me. I feel jealous when people older to me have both their parents alive. I have also lost empathy towards smaller problems that others have - I just feel my pain is bigger. I know this isn’t right, but I have become stonehearted towards others.

And now, I have another level of frustration when I hear covid is ending, people are returning to normalcy. It seems like the pandemic came just to take my Dad away from us. How lucky are those people whose world never changed during or after pandemic.  It’s just another happy time for them. I get annoyed at people celebrating this.

Sorry I have nothing to say to console you. But just wanted to say you’re not alone.

[Lost now]

18 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Lost now,

I know it's really hard and so painful not to have your mom with you. Keep hanging on my friend. We are with you. x 

Always here to listen.

Thanks so much. You have always been there. It helps. x

[Lost now]

17 hours ago, ADM925 said:

8 months and the torment is worse than ever.  Can't sleep but a few minutes and wake up feeling about to die, over and over and over.  The constant heartbreak is too overwhelming, just too great to bear.

I could only be with people when Mom was there also and I knew she was alright.  Now I want to run from them and their laughter even though it means going back alone to the empty house.

They say I am dishonoring her legacy by being unhappy, but it is impossible to be happy when in a living hell.  Two worriers who hated to be apart.  It still seems that this is not real, can't be happening . . .         

We can totally relate to each other. Our moms are our everything. I am going into depression and I feel like I will go crazy one day and have to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. I am serious. I am suffering so much. I don't understand why this happened. I am not ready to accept it. I know people say we have to be happy for them but as you said we don't know how to be happy without them. They are the reason we were happy. 

Please stay in touch. It's hard to find people who can understand you.

[Lost now]

1 hour ago, unluckydaughter said:

Dear Lost Now,

I can completely relate to what you’re feeling. I lost my dear Dad to covid unexpectedly 10 months ago. While we were hoping he would recover, we lost him in a week. It was all so rapid that it’s still unbelievable. 
Since then all I see is happy faces, families enjoying and I feel God did injustice to us. I feel jealous seeing people posting about their Dads, their both parents, happy ceremonies and feel like everyone is happy except me. I feel jealous when people older to me have both their parents alive. I have also lost empathy towards smaller problems that others have - I just feel my pain is bigger. I know this isn’t right, but I have become stonehearted towards others.

And now, I have another level of frustration when I hear covid is ending, people are returning to normalcy. It seems like the pandemic came just to take my Dad away from us. How lucky are those people whose world never changed during or after pandemic.  It’s just another happy time for them. I get annoyed at people celebrating this.

Sorry I have nothing to say to console you. But just wanted to say you’re not alone.

I am sorry this happened with you. It's so difficult to lose your parent so unexpectedly. I can relate to each and every word you have said about being stone-hearted. I hate it when people laugh. I went for a walk finally because everyone forced me to and I heard a lot of kids playing and screaming and I had a panic attack. I decided that day to never go out. Secretly I am hoping for some variant to come and put everything back in the pandemic state. 

I hate God (If he exists) to take my mom away from me. I am only 31. She was only 58. She was so lively and wanted to travel with me. I am so angry and depressed. I am sorry I don't have anything to say to console you either but knowing that we are not alone somehow helps.

I just read your another post. Your dad had covid and then he was ok and then suffered cardiac arrest. My mom and dad had covid too. She had extremely mild symptoms (no fever no respiratory issues) they both recovered and then she got cardiac arrest immediately after recovering. Since then I have read so many articles and they say covid causes cardiac arrest in several people. Of course the government doesn't mention that. A lot of people have died after recovering from covid. Those people are not counted in the so called 'covid death count'.

But I am so so sorry that it seemed like he was fine and ready to come home and this happened. I can understand your anger. I have it in me too.

 

Stay in touch!

 

[ADM925]

20 minutes ago, Lost now said:

Our moms are our everything.              They are the reason we were happy. 

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding response as this is a very bad day, woke up 21 times in shock last night and have to be with people and their loved ones later, which I know will make everything even worse if that is possible..

Mom was the only one I could talk to as my real self and who understood and accepted me unconditionally.  She brought me the love, peace, and comfort which no one else can.  I am very nervous and prone to extreme sadness and heartbreak all the time, and only Mom could heal my broken heart, such as when our cat was mauled when all the vets were closed and we got him to the emergency place too late.  Even if nothing bad happened sad thoughts would make me panicky and I would cling to her to regain calm and composure.  It happens more than ever now as I'm trapped alone in a world which is a frightening nightmare horror without my only love and refuge, and there is nowhere to run to without her.  

I wish to be gone, dread even the thought of the future, but fear sickness and dying without her.  But being here without Mom gets worse by the minute so it feels there is no way out.  The phone makes me jump out of my skin with terror of 'who or what is at me now?'.  Sorry for rambling but no one wants to hear me anymore; they say get over it, don't think about it, it's over, move on, but I can't, she was my whole world and they can't or won't accept that.             

 

[Lost now]

3 hours ago, ADM925 said:

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding response as this is a very bad day, woke up 21 times in shock last night and have to be with people and their loved ones later, which I know will make everything even worse if that is possible..

Mom was the only one I could talk to as my real self and who understood and accepted me unconditionally.  She brought me the love, peace, and comfort which no one else can.  I am very nervous and prone to extreme sadness and heartbreak all the time, and only Mom could heal my broken heart, such as when our cat was mauled when all the vets were closed and we got him to the emergency place too late.  Even if nothing bad happened sad thoughts would make me panicky and I would cling to her to regain calm and composure.  It happens more than ever now as I'm trapped alone in a world which is a frightening nightmare horror without my only love and refuge, and there is nowhere to run to without her.  

I wish to be gone, dread even the thought of the future, but fear sickness and dying without her.  But being here without Mom gets worse by the minute so it feels there is no way out.  The phone makes me jump out of my skin with terror of 'who or what is at me now?'.  Sorry for rambling but no one wants to hear me anymore; they say get over it, don't think about it, it's over, move on, but I can't, she was my whole world and they can't or won't accept that.             

 

I get what you are saying. I have had anxiety since my childhood. I worry a lot. I always assume the worst case scenario. My mom and dad were the only one who understood me. My mom helped me so much get better. She used to protect me. She helped me with my issues. Then last two years everything was fine so it seemed like I've recovered but losing my mom unexpectedly suddenly that day resurfaced all those issues. I am very anxious, depressed, sensitive and keep overthinking. I don't know how I will survive now. Tbh I don't even want to live anymore but I can't do anything to hurt myself. My dad is already broken. But I am going to be depressed for the rest of my life.

Please don't apologize for opening up here. This is why we all are here. No one will ever judge you here. 

Do you believe in afterlife? I am planning to go to a medium at some point. My friend had and she had a great positive experience.

I would recommend you look into it if you are not against it.

 

[ADM925]

5 hours ago, Lost now said:

I am very anxious, depressed, sensitive and keep overthinking. I don't know how I will survive now.

I'm the same way but who will care now?  Seeing how bad I am, some in my family have been deliberately hurtful (long-term resentments were already in place).  Another reason to dread being around them - they now have the upper hand because I no longer have my shelter and refuge.

6 hours ago, Lost now said:

Do you believe in afterlife? I am planning to go to a medium at some point.

Belief in the afterlife is part of our faith and gives me hope I will someday be with them.  But I still have to be without my mom in the here and now of panic-stricken miserable days that never end and keep giving more heartbreak.  I've been thinking about going to a medium even though the church Mom and I worked for forbids it (someone from our church went to one and spoke well of it).  I might have to go because the extended separation is wrecking my mind.  I had to go out earlier and became nearly hysterical going back to the car to return to the empty house again.              

[Jen H]

Lost now,

My heart breaks for you but at the same time I'm thankful you keep coming here for support.  We are all here for you whenever you need us.  You are doing the best you can just making it through each day.